RE: Uncomfortable beginnings

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lusciouslips19 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 11:18:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 The other side of this -- for any guys who might be reading -- is that when I tell a woman that there's no chance I'm going to do anything physical unless we like each other and are friends, either she movs on right then or responds by saying, "Oh, THANK GOD!!!!" There really are men, myself included, for whom "Friends First" is an absolute must. Nice guys definitely don't finish last in the romantic cyberworld. Care about something besides her ability to get you off, and she might actually respect you. wow. Someone whos got a clue. SEE. you can find them! Guys, you need to buy a clue from this guy.

IrishMist -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 11:22:06 AM)
quote: Do you honestly think that adding a qualifier such as kink, does not up the difficulty ratio even a tad? What if I had said, must also have wavy blond hair, or, must be over 6 ft? Anytime you add in some addtional component into a seach, things automatically become more limited. Maybe they dont in your world, but in mine, adding in intelligence, humor, or kink, all adds to the properties of keeping some people out. I am sorry, but I disagree. And If you pay attention to what you originally said, you would understand WHY I disagree quote: My ex and I met as friends. We hung out, we got to know each other and even had a number of dates before we got into penetrative sex.. It's obvious from what you have said that you want MORE than just sex; you want a RELATIONSHIP. Just because BDSM is a part of that relationship does not mean that you have to change the way you look for a partner; or change WHAT you want from that partner.

softness -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 11:32:55 AM)
think about it like this ... if you walked into a club and gave every man in there one minute to persuade you to have a drink with them ... most of them would get "thrown back" ... add to the mix that the internet is mostly anonymous and that sites like this attract numpties who think kinky = quick fuck easy lay then is it any surprise we get so much "junk mail" from people looking just for a poke. These people believe that by advertising yourself on here you are looking for sex, that you will be dirty and let them live out all their sweaty little fantasies ... if you walked through a club in a t shirt that says "I like it hot, dirty and RIGHT NOW BABY!" thin what would happen ... to those guys that email looking for a quick poke you are doing just that ... ignore them .. hang on in there for the nice ones who would let you take their cab in the rain

christine1 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 12:38:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bipolarber It's the same old problem: Women use love to find sex... men use sex to find love. We, (men) want to know you're going to be able to be a good sex partner, before we commit to anything. Mostly because those of us who have been in relationships have gone into commitment, and then have the sex part of the relationship suddenly fade away... You're basically paying for the deception that so many other women have pulled on us guys over the centuries. (only half-kidding) this is a good point and there is a lot of truth to it. but on the flip side, (which was mentioned briefly), men have been doing the same to women. some, (yes, i said some not all), men woo women with flowers, candy and gifts, promising love and devotion and as soon as they have her, the "honeymoon" so to speak is over and the romance and passion seem to dissapear. eventually she's wondering who the burping gilla monster in the recliner is....i'm just saying this situation goes both ways.

Bound2One -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 12:45:16 PM)
Kyst, I took a look at your profile to see what you had put up there. It's good, you include a lot about yourself, but the next to the last paragraph is you saying that you're not promising play 'right now'. Then you talk about a munch you run. I'd strongly suggest moving that paragraph up. Make it an introductory one, explaining where you're coming from right now, that you're not ready to jump into bed, that you'd like to meet for a few dates and get to the know the person before a sexual dynamic takes place. Then respond to the ones who are gentlemen, who ask about yourself (not just talking about what they wish to do to you), and search profiles for men in your area whose words speak to you. Then write them. You never know! Best of luck to you!

Daddysredhead -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 12:46:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bipolarber Mostly because those of us who have been in relationships have gone into commitment, and then have the sex part of the relationship suddenly fade away... (only half-kidding) There are a lot of women, myself included, who have had great relationships before marriage or long term commitment, whose sexual component has completely vaporized after settling down for what we thought was going to be a life or long term gig. It's not just the women who sometimes get frigid. Sometimes the men decide to pull back and withdraw physically. (not kidding at all) ~ DRH

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 12:51:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead quote: ORIGINAL: bipolarber Mostly because those of us who have been in relationships have gone into commitment, and then have the sex part of the relationship suddenly fade away... (only half-kidding) There are a lot of women, myself included, who have had great relationships before marriage or long term commitment, whose sexual component has completely vaporized after settling down for what we thought was going to be a life or long term gig. It's not just the women who sometimes get frigid. Sometimes the men decide to pull back and withdraw physically. (not kidding at all) ~ DRH been there. done that. I was married to a man whos true love is Beer. Me, I cant stomach the smell.

Daddysredhead -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 1:06:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 quote: ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead quote: ORIGINAL: bipolarber Mostly because those of us who have been in relationships have gone into commitment, and then have the sex part of the relationship suddenly fade away... (only half-kidding) There are a lot of women, myself included, who have had great relationships before marriage or long term commitment, whose sexual component has completely vaporized after settling down for what we thought was going to be a life or long term gig. It's not just the women who sometimes get frigid. Sometimes the men decide to pull back and withdraw physically. (not kidding at all) ~ DRH been there. done that. I was married to a man whos true love is Beer. Me, I cant stomach the smell. Hmmm, me, too. Only his true love was red wine... in very large quantities. I didn't handle being second place to a bottle well.

Missokyst -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 1:12:43 PM)
You are correct that I am seeking a relationship and not just easy sex. My problem was in finding such a thing. I must have missed the part about it being easy. It is the same as finding any other relationship, but my question was still how to find them. BDSM or not, is there some sort of magic pill out there that doesn't make it so f'ing hard? If so, can I get a marketing plan for it? Kyst

IrishMist -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 1:21:59 PM)
quote: BDSM or not, is there some sort of magic pill out there that doesn't make it so f'ing hard? If so, can I get a marketing plan for it? No lol, I am sorry, but there is not. It may sound cliche, but the old saying is very, very true....no thing/person worth having is ever easy to attain. Some of the best and longest lasting relationships I have seen in real life are between people who STOPPED trying SO FUCKING HARD . They realized that the harder they tried the more they distanced themselves from those around them to the point that they were defeating themselves. Take a step back, take a deep breath and let yourself be YOU; without all the tangle that labels like BDSM, D/S, AND M/S bring with them.

domiguy -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 1:27:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Do you honestly think that adding a qualifier such as kink, does not up the difficulty ratio even a tad? What if I had said, must also have wavy blond hair, or, must be over 6 ft? Anytime you add in some addtional component into a seach, things automatically become more limited. Maybe they dont in your world, but in mine, adding in intelligence, humor, or kink, all adds to the properties of keeping some people out. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: My question is how does one find someone who is into BDSM /sigh The same way you find people who are NOT into BDSM. Why do people have to make this so fucking hard? I agree with IrishMist. Why do you make this so difficult? It isn't. You respond to those that meet your qualifications. Whoopity fucking dooo daaaah!

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 1:28:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: BDSM or not, is there some sort of magic pill out there that doesn't make it so f'ing hard? If so, can I get a marketing plan for it? No lol, I am sorry, but there is not. It may sound cliche, but the old saying is very, very true....no thing/person worth having is ever easy to attain. Some of the best and longest lasting relationships I have seen in real life are between people who STOPPED trying SO FUCKING HARD . They realized that the harder they tried the more they distanced themselves from those around them to the point that they were defeating themselves. Take a step back, take a deep breath and let yourself be YOU; without all the tangle that labels like BDSM, D/S, AND M/S bring with them. I have been seeking for 3 years. it took me this long to find someone I connect with in vanilla, intelectually and has similar idea of where BDSM fits in. not only do you have to find someone to connect mentally and physically but your kinks and levels of contol have to match too. No its not easy. Find a good friend with benefits to play with. Join a club or munch to make friends. take your time with the rest.

faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 3:09:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: Some of the best and longest lasting relationships I have seen in real life are between people who STOPPED trying SO FUCKING HARD . They realized that the harder they tried the more they distanced themselves from those around them to the point that they were defeating themselves. Take a step back, take a deep breath and let yourself be YOU; without all the tangle that labels like BDSM, D/S, AND M/S bring with them. I dont even go to munches, clubs or events anymore...and the only bdsm site im on is this one here. for me it is almost pointless to try.... so i pretty well have stopped looking. nobody wants to cherish, adore, and love their subs or slaves anymore...they just want sex sex sex

Missokyst -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 5:13:55 PM)
I do have to say that for me getting out there at all is trying. If that qualifies as trying too hard it beats me what would be easier. I have ads up on B.com, Alt.com, one here, and even taken a crack at craigslist (ha! try that one sometime!), I don't drop emails to men I would consider potentials mostly because for me that would be trying to f'ing hard. I deliberately did not seek out another relationship immediately after my breakup (maybe not so good of an idea); I do attend parties; I do run a munch; I do meet people without the huge drama of worrying if their domliness will overwhelm me. Basically I am just a friendly woman who wouldn't mind finding a counterpoint. The difficult part for me is that this stuff we do is sexually charged. My ads up on Craigslist have been mostly nilla and they do not get the rush to sex responses that the other ads get. The sad part about that though is the men who respond to me on nilla ads wind up joining my group as male subs. And if you try to put any mention of submission (as a female), on craigslist, 9/10 times they will pull the ad for inappropriate content. It makes me wonder where the line is. To avoid the rush for instant sex, how much is too much information on what I want? Kyst

sexyred1 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 6:14:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: My question is how does one find someone who is into BDSM /sigh The same way you find people who are NOT into BDSM. Why do people have to make this so fucking hard? Agreed. I think this is asked about once per week.

sexyred1 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 6:16:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 The other side of this -- for any guys who might be reading -- is that when I tell a woman that there's no chance I'm going to do anything physical unless we like each other and are friends, either she movs on right then or responds by saying, "Oh, THANK GOD!!!!" There really are men, myself included, for whom "Friends First" is an absolute must. Nice guys definitely don't finish last in the romantic cyberworld. Care about something besides her ability to get you off, and she might actually respect you. wow. Someone whos got a clue. SEE. you can find them! Guys, you need to buy a clue from this guy. We can't. It's a cyber clue. It does not exist in the real world.

sexyred1 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 6:24:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I do have to say that for me getting out there at all is trying. If that qualifies as trying too hard it beats me what would be easier. I have ads up on B.com, Alt.com, one here, and even taken a crack at craigslist (ha! try that one sometime!), I don't drop emails to men I would consider potentials mostly because for me that would be trying to f'ing hard. I deliberately did not seek out another relationship immediately after my breakup (maybe not so good of an idea); I do attend parties; I do run a munch; I do meet people without the huge drama of worrying if their domliness will overwhelm me. Basically I am just a friendly woman who wouldn't mind finding a counterpoint. The difficult part for me is that this stuff we do is sexually charged. My ads up on Craigslist have been mostly nilla and they do not get the rush to sex responses that the other ads get. The sad part about that though is the men who respond to me on nilla ads wind up joining my group as male subs. And if you try to put any mention of submission (as a female), on craigslist, 9/10 times they will pull the ad for inappropriate content. It makes me wonder where the line is. To avoid the rush for instant sex, how much is too much information on what I want? Kyst are you kidding me? Craigslist is the equivalent of graffiti for online dating. A friend and I did an experiment. We both put ads on Craigslist. I put a very provocative ad, (no photo) she put a very bland, conservative ad (no photo). Neither ad mentioned sex, but my ad was a bit more descriptive, let's say. We both got 99% sexually explicit replies and from many of the same guys. My ad did not even mention BDSM at all. Once I put one on that said I was seeking a Dom for a serious relationship, just like you are talking about and all hell broke loose. I got nothing but disgusting replies. And the 1% nice replies all ended up asking about sex anyway after a few emails! I get far more intelligent replies here on Collarme. The point is that when you try to seek someone for a relationship online, there is nothing you can do to change behavior. You can only hold fast to what you want for yourself.

flowerinyourhand -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 6:38:36 PM)
Alot of my friends had this issue...I almost got caught up with a married guy who was claiming to be a dominant but was just looking for a mistress it turned out. It's annoying. However game play has been known to happen on both sides, it's not gender specific. I decided, after the issue with the married guy, that I would set a few ground rules, I was going to talk to a dom for a few weeks before meeting. That usually ruled out the people who were looking for a quick sexual fix. If they feel you may be worth it then they'll be patient. Besides that helped to get to know if it we were compatible enough (on both sides) to warrant a meeting... Just my 2 cents..

adoracat -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 6:49:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead There are a lot of women, myself included, who have had great relationships before marriage or long term commitment, whose sexual component has completely vaporized after settling down for what we thought was going to be a life or long term gig. It's not just the women who sometimes get frigid. Sometimes the men decide to pull back and withdraw physically. (not kidding at all) ~ DRH i hear ya. he's still active with his g/f, but hasnt been with me for well over a year now. kitten, who still loves the idiot.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Uncomfortable beginnings (1/19/2008 6:51:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I do have to say that for me getting out there at all is trying. If that qualifies as trying too hard it beats me what would be easier. I have ads up on B.com, Alt.com, one here, and even taken a crack at craigslist (ha! try that one sometime!), I don't drop emails to men I would consider potentials mostly because for me that would be trying to f'ing hard. I deliberately did not seek out another relationship immediately after my breakup (maybe not so good of an idea); I do attend parties; I do run a munch; I do meet people without the huge drama of worrying if their domliness will overwhelm me. Basically I am just a friendly woman who wouldn't mind finding a counterpoint. The difficult part for me is that this stuff we do is sexually charged. My ads up on Craigslist have been mostly nilla and they do not get the rush to sex responses that the other ads get. The sad part about that though is the men who respond to me on nilla ads wind up joining my group as male subs. And if you try to put any mention of submission (as a female), on craigslist, 9/10 times they will pull the ad for inappropriate content. It makes me wonder where the line is. To avoid the rush for instant sex, how much is too much information on what I want? Kyst are you kidding me? Craigslist is the equivalent of graffiti for online dating. A friend and I did an experiment. We both put ads on Craigslist. I put a very provocative ad, (no photo) she put a very bland, conservative ad (no photo). Neither ad mentioned sex, but my ad was a bit more descriptive, let's say. We both got 99% sexually explicit replies and from many of the same guys. My ad did not even mention BDSM at all. Once I put one on that said I was seeking a Dom for a serious relationship, just like you are talking about and all hell broke loose. I got nothing but disgusting replies. And the 1% nice replies all ended up asking about sex anyway after a few emails! I get far more intelligent replies here on Collarme. The point is that when you try to seek someone for a relationship online, there is nothing you can do to change behavior. You can only hold fast to what you want for yourself. I agree. I have had profiles everywhere...simultaneously. Although, I have not had profiles lately that did not show my submissiveness. Mostly sites where it can be discussed. But what I have found is its possible to find Doms even on nilla sites with proper wrding they will find you.I allso have found that regardless of the site, there are nice people and jerks out there. I met my current boyfriend/Dom through AFF. with a free membership. he was one of the few honest ones with a complete profile and honesty who was looking for a girlfriend. I guess my attitude hads been to get yourself out there on a number of mediums to improve your odds. you will still have to be patient to find what you are looking for and you will be throwing most of the fish back in the water. Luckily, I have made some friends, had some experiences etc. and had a lot of dates. Beware of the liars. look for clues. Like supposed single men who are never available on the weekends and dont sleep well with others and want daytime dates. Ones who say they are Dom to get in your pants but havent a clue. be honest with them about your needs, be honest with yourslef. Most importantly, keep on keepin on!

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