RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (Full Version)

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smilingjaguar -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/19/2008 8:56:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CapnSpankins
You have great insight, smilingjaguar. gorgeous1 hasn't responded yet but you are dead on about the ritualistic aspects and the need to replace destructive rituals of the past with healing ones in the present.

As for topping from the bottom, this problem can exist, to be sure. But I can't help thinking it is often being used as a poor excuse for being a bad listener or communicator on the part of many Doms. I wrote about this before in Part 3 of my Lessons on Domination series (link in my sig).


I know that topping from the bottom does exist; I've seen it a few too many times.  I'm in agreement with you about it being a listening/communicating problem, but I think sometimes Doms just don't think that their subs should have wants or needs or the ability to ask for things they would like.  It's as if the act of asking the question is TFTB, and I just don't get it.  It doesn't seem to me that would feed into an open and honest relationship.  In my relationship, if I were to ask in a disrespectful manner or act as though I expect him to drop everything and do what I want there would be trouble, but I could not imagine being punished for making a request and leaving the results in his hands.  We had to do a lot of work before I could own up to what I want and get up the guts to ask for it, so maybe that has something to do with it in our relationship.

I read your blog, BTW, and found it really interesting.  I also enjoyed the rest of the site and will be sending a link over to my Sir.  I know he'll be interested your site.



CapnSpankins -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/19/2008 10:37:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: smilingjaguar
I read your blog, BTW, and found it really interesting.  I also enjoyed the rest of the site and will be sending a link over to my Sir.  I know he'll be interested your site.


Thanks! gorgeous1 and myself are putting a lot of time into it - hopefully it will really show in the coming months. We've got a lot more guides coming and we've got some great themes planned for some upcoming special features. I hope you'll come back and see what we're up to.

I've really enjoyed writing the "Lessons on Domination" series because it helps me to reflect on my own psyche and training approach with gorgeous1.



LadyPact -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/19/2008 11:30:22 PM)

I see by the replies that the request was granted, and I have to say that I'm glad to see that it was.  Perhaps My answers to the original might explain that response a bit.

Would I do this for stress relief if My sub asked for it?  Yes, I would.  I wouldn't see it as Topping from the bottom.  I want to be aware of My sub's needs, and if the situation was duplicated, at that time, it would be a need.  My sub has a specific directive to protect My property.  That would include from himself as well.  To Me, a caning from his Dominant would prevent that harm.  I'm not saying it wouldn't also come with a long discussion afterwards.  I'd want to get to the bottom (excuse the pun) of things.  I'd want there to be other positives to come from it.  It would be a chance for U/us to work on it.

Would it have to be about sex?  No.  If he was in that bad of a mental state, I'm not sure if sex would or wouldn't be involved.  That would have to be determined after the caning, and his emotional state.  Not that a good caning doesn't turn Me on, mind you, but the well being of My sub is first.  If another type of release was needed as well, there's a good possiblity of him getting it.



FrankAr -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/20/2008 1:10:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1

I had one of the WORST days of my life last Wednesday. I was so upset by the time that I got home that I couldn't even cry- I just felt like I was going to explode and I needed release.

I asked my husband and Master to cane me. I asked for a specific implement, and for a specific position in which to be caned.

To spare myself writing about this twice, go to my blog (http://www.kinkycrafts.info/gorgeous-blog/gblog.php?id=8557598433745255384) and you can also visit Capnspankins blog (http://www.kinkycrafts.info/master-blog/mblog.php?id=4269861553570645413) to get his take on it. Mine is titled "A Cathartic Caning".

So my questions to you are:

1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

Your responses are appreciated!


Greetings gorgeous,

Everyone has their own preference and taste as to what can be wanted and desired in the relationship at any point of time. 

I wouldn't grant shit to a female that had asked me to do this, that is just me.  I know what I want out of the relationship and what direction we would both head, so if she came out and asked me to do this, I would laugh at her and walk away.

Be well.

Frank Ar.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/20/2008 1:54:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1
1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

Neither necessarily.

Depends on how they asked, depends on how I feel, depends on whether I think that's really what they need or whether something else would be more effective and/or I want to train them to process it differently.

It's doubtful I'd consider it TFTB unless they were really manipulative and bossy about it.
quote:


2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

I'd probably feel weirder if sex was attached to it as they claimed they wanted stress relief in the form of beating- if they wanted stress relief in the form of sex, I'd assume they'd ask for it.



vampchick88 -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/20/2008 12:03:28 PM)

 I would in a heartbeat. If there was anything to that effect that I could do to help my pet feel a bit better after a bad day I would. I would not see it as topping from the bottom. It is a favor being asked.
Would I be uncomfortable because it doesn't involve sex? Hell no. Not everything that I do has to be linked with sex, being kinky, or frisky. In times like this its a form of therapy to help another feel at ease, to lessen tension and stress.



DesFIP -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/20/2008 6:45:49 PM)

He'd never be upset that I asked. He doesn't like seeing me upset and would always want to help. But that doesn't mean he would do it. If he thought it would be better for me to sit down with a glass of wine and have a hot bath, then he'd tell me that. The truth is that when things are really bad, I'm probably the worst person to decide what I should do. I know that by now and I know that if he refused me it would be because he decided that wasn't the right way to handle it.

Me telling him what I'm feeling or asking for stuff doesn't qualify as tftb. Hell even if it was in the middle of a scene he wouldn't accuse me of it. He'd just laugh and tell me to take what he's giving. And sometimes he'll decide that I had a good idea and he'll go with it. But he doesn't think he knows everything so he isn't insecure if I say something he hadn't thought of.



erebus -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/20/2008 8:35:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Nah, I don't see this as topping from the bottom at all.  I think anytime the submissive/slave desires a whipping, it should be asked for, begged for even; I'd say that's a lot better than acting up or mouthing off to get it.  He can then grant or deny. 



Asking isn't topping.  One can choose to do what the sub asks, or not. 



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 12:49:10 AM)

It would depend on the intent behind the asking. Usually, when one of mine ask for something like that, it's something they really need.

Master Fire



laurell3 -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 1:04:19 AM)

Well it wouldn't be "her" in my case but yes I would give it to him although I certainly wouldn't allow him to define the specifics.  In my relationships it's acceptable to say I'm horney or I'm stressed can you help me on both sides of the slash.



littlebitxxx -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 6:47:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1

I had one of the WORST days of my life
I asked my husband and Master to cane me.

So my questions to you are:

1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

    <snipped>

To put a new spin on the whole thing:  if said sub came home from one of the WORST days in history and ASKED her husband and Master to rub her neck to ease the tension and headache....would that be unreasonable or topping from the bottom?  Different kind of care but same result.  Personally, I think too much is made of the situation because an implement was asked for instead of something considered "normal".



Knightenslaves -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 9:27:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1
So my questions to you are:

1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

Your responses are appreciated!


1. It depends on the context it was asked. If My little one came to Me and asked in a respectful manner, sharing her thoughts and desires I would be overjoyed and grant her request, but on My own terms. Also if she wrote the desire in her journal(the purpose of which is for this sort of thing) then it would be discussed and negotiated.
2. Nope...not all scenes need be related to sex in My not so humble opinion



meticulousgirl -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 10:48:11 AM)

i am permitted to ask but, it is ultimately up to Him to grant or deny the request. 

~meticulous~



TenchiRyokoMuyo -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 11:24:05 AM)

Asking a Master to do something is a completely understandable part of any BDSM relationship. There's a thread in the 'ask a sub' forum, about begging.

If I asked a slave/sub to beg, I'm probably already alright with what they're asking. Whether they're truly willing to beg for it or not matters not. It's just my own amusement/enjoyment to see them beg. It's a form of submission.

Now...telling your master to do something...that's a different story.

I believe in slavery/sub relationships, to be similar to how marriage used to be. Only more kinky. The woman can voice her opinion...but no matter what, men have the final say in things. She should be a stay-at-home wife, always able to support herself however, if something went wrong.

In that sense of my opinion on slave/sub relationships...It's fine to ask him for a caning once in a while. You're probably just a bit masochistic, which as well, is fine.



BabyKittyKat -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 11:38:58 AM)

Sometimes I also need specific things and I don`t mind asking. Most of the time He makes me earn my "punishment", so it`s fairplay :) I can`t understand why do you fear you`re being pushy? It`s normal for everybody to have needs and desires. 



LordShadow -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/21/2008 3:18:51 PM)

Begging to be beat topping from the bottom? No, don't believe that would be considered such in my Home, sounds like you had a need and you begged for release, but it is for him to decide whether or not to give you that release.

Would I? perhaps, would depend on how well she has pleased me, whether or not it has been earned.

Shadow
Ride Safe Live Free



LPslittleclip -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/22/2008 2:13:58 PM)

my M'Lady would never strike in anything but a caring manner, if i were having a bad day a flogging wouldn't be and help i wouldn't get to subspace anyway. i would do much better decompressing by serving my M'Lady answering her questions when asked, after i recovered myself a beating would feel wonderful.
proudly collared by LadyPact



Kitte9 -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/22/2008 6:03:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: smilingjaguar

I read a bit of your blog, and being a former cutter myself I think that plays into the dynamic a bit.  When I get to the point I can't cry or scream or vent it in any way I'm not in good territory in the "harm to self" department.  I've slashed myself up pretty bad in the past and not remembered anything but the first inch or so of a superficial cut.  Now if I get in that territory I'll ask him for that pain because I know his judgment is intact and it's a safer situation all around to get that cathartic release I can't get safely on my own.  It's a bit more than noncutters want to know, probably, but there it is.

I'll never understand how asking for something is topping from the bottom.  I can't imagine him saying no in a situation like the one you're describing, but if he did his decision is final.

I understand the whole needing a certain position with a certain instrument.  Cutting is almost always ritualistic, and something that replaces it (even in a much safer manner) is probably going to be highly ritualized as well.  Between us, we understand that when I get like this it is far past M/s and this release is more a service he provides me for my own wellbeing so what I need is what I get.  Take care.


I was wondering if there was a relationship between the two. Now I understand myself a little more. Thanks for posting.



DesFIP -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/23/2008 6:39:09 AM)

Let's say that instead of this being an emotional problem it was a physical one. For those of you who would refuse to help, would you also refuse if the sub were diabetic, came in the door shaking and going into shock, would you refuse to get her a piece of candy and put it in her mouth? Because cutting is an emotional disorder the way diabetis is a physical one. Refusing to help with illness is just wrong.

I wonder if Frank would walk out the door in that case, knowing she might die as a result of her daring to top from the bottom by needing him to feed her the candy.



gorgeous1 -> RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? (1/23/2008 10:07:58 AM)

Hi everyone...I'm back from the dead. I have been in bed with the flu since Saturday evening, and just now have had a chance to read all these wonderful responses.

Yes, as you can see, Capnspankins did grant my request for a caning. Since he had attended a seminar or cathartic flogging about 5 years ago, he understood the concept and the possibility of a submissive needing such a thing. He also knew that I used to be a cutter. Am I a masochist? Uh...yeah. If any of you read my blog, you read about my game of "Burn Chicken", and that ought to tell you all you need to know.

Anyhow, I am still dealing with all the crap that caused the crappiest day ever, but the wonderful thing is I don't feel like crying anymore. That caning got all the hurt out and left a steely resolve to stick to my guns, because I am right, and I did the right thing, and the only reason I'm being persecuted is because these people have something to hide and I struck a nerve. I am actually welcoming the upcoming consequences of actions- it will give me yet another chance to show to our organization how truly corrupt these people are.



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