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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 7:12:59 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

He lied to you; to your face; and then tried to excuse his behavior with half assed reasons.

If you can accept the fact that he WILL lie to you again because hell, let's face it, he got away with it once, why stop...then take responsiblity for the fact that you are the one who is allowing this behavior to continue.

If you can not accept it...then, you know what to do.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 21

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 7:16:51 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Excuses enable weakness.

Do you trust someone who enables themselves to be weak?

Would it not be better to say "I screwed up-I will be man enough not to let it happen again." ?

Rather than "You need to keep forgiving me, so I can keep being a fuck up." ?

_____________________________

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(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 22

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 7:26:21 AM

SimplySubmissive

Posts: 216
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

His profile should include the fact that he lives with someone.
If it doesn't, then why not?
It's my opinion that if it has to be hidden, or lied about or kept from someone, then it shouldn't be done.
Also, I beleive that if orgasm is involved, or the attempt to acheive orgasm, it's sex.
If sex with others isn't part of your agreement, it's cheating.

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 23

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 8:20:06 AM

weneedyourhelp

Posts: 118
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

Edited to add this is to the OP.......Ok I have just finished reading and caught up. I personally, speaking from the experience of having it happen to me, am in partial agreement with most of the posts already. It is cheating for the reasons already stated. However, the part I would have to disagree with is most peoples advice to simply dump him and move on. After 11 years of being together this happened to our relationship, barring details,(if you must know, I have posted details about this subject before, feel free to search) if I had done that, I would have blown everything I had invested into the relationship. The difference here is, since that time, kitten (yes I know...lol) has been working very, very hard to regain my trust. Believe me it is still very hard, even on a daily basis. Where as he is continueing to do the very thing that brought you to this point to begin with. My advice would be to ask him point blank if your relationship is worth it to him, because it is a long hard road back to P.C.I. (pre cheating incedent) If it is worth it to him, then at least give him the chance to prove it , before kicking him to the curb.

Cougar

< Message edited by weneedyourhelp -- 1/20/2008 8:21:07 AM >

_____________________________

" You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Man is still man, and even frozen in a block of ice, our singular purpose is still to get a nut.

(in reply to SimplySubmissive)

Post #: 24

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 8:23:58 AM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

if you have to ask if it is cheating .. then you know the answer in your heart.... trust has been broken is the biggest issue ... and can you live with that or not ...

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To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to weneedyourhelp)

Post #: 25

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 8:25:46 AM

DianeB269

Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

If I catch one of my subs chatting with another Domme, I'll drop him like a turd...

Diane

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 26

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 8:38:15 AM

weneedyourhelp

Posts: 118
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: weneedyourhelp

Edited to add this is to the OP.......Ok I have just finished reading and caught up. I personally, speaking from the experience of having it happen to me, am in partial agreement with most of the posts already. It is cheating for the reasons already stated. However, the part I would have to disagree with is most peoples advice to simply dump him and move on. After 11 years of being together this happened to our relationship, barring details,(if you must know, I have posted details about this subject before, feel free to search) if I had done that, I would have blown everything I had invested into the relationship. The difference here is, since that time, kitten (yes I know...lol) has been working very, very hard to regain my trust. Believe me it is still very hard, even on a daily basis. Where as he is continueing to do the very thing that brought you to this point to begin with. My advice would be to ask him point blank if your relationship is worth it to him, because it is a long hard road back to P.C.I. (pre cheating incedent) If it is worth it to him, then at least give him the chance to prove it , before kicking him to the curb.

Cougar

Just wanted to add my best wishes for you and whatever decision you make, either way its tough and support from others can sometimes be in short supply (not here on this site for the most part, just in life in general).

_____________________________

" You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Man is still man, and even frozen in a block of ice, our singular purpose is still to get a nut.

(in reply to weneedyourhelp)

Post #: 27

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 8:49:08 AM

DvsPrincess

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/6/2008
Status: offline

My darling 'confused kitten', your confusion is understandable, however I know that deep down you realize the true answer. Yes it's cheating. I also think that sometimes it is worse than just random anger sex with total strangers. He is becoming intimate with these women, and if I had to choose, (I would never choose either) I would prefer my man step out on me and have a quick and dirty physcial exchange and not get emotionally intimate. In otherwords if he sat up and chatted with her all night, that would be more damaging and hurtful and a greater infidelity than if he just gave her a quick bam thank ya maam. You deserve a Master that cherishes the beautiful gift of your submission and treats you like the precious jewel that you are.
Keep Safe,
The Princes Dvs

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 28

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 8:56:48 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: confusedkitten

Hi all,

I just wondered what others' take on this was. I've been with my partner for a year now and have recently found out that for most of that time he's been using this and other bdsm websites to pose as a single male dom and chat/flirt/msn and occasionally even call eligible young subs.

It was the to my face lying that really hurts the most as up until he couldn't deny it any longer he was still telling me I was just being insecure and paranoid and that the girls that were contacting me to ask whether we were still together were just making everything up.. and stupid , trusting me just swallowed every word. But leaving trust issues aside, do you think its ok to pose as single and chat up members of the opposite sex?

I'm genuinely curious what others think, as although he's apologised, he continues to maintain that what he's doing is perfectly acceptable and not that big a thing as he never meets the girls he's talking to. While I accept that it's not as bad as actually physically cheating, I can't help thinking that you can't be happy in a relationship if you're needing to get your thrills online.. from strangers.. and although he says he'd never meet them, surely it's only a matter of time before you come across someone who you do genuinely spark with.. and really how committed to a relationship can you really be if you're happy to pretend you're single half the time?

On the other hand.. I guess as long as the girls he's talking to also accept it as just online fun, then maybe it is harmless, as he says.. it's just.. why did he do everything he could to keep it from me if he genuinely believed that?

Sorry for the rambling.. if anyones got this far I'd really appreciate you're input as I'm so confused right now!

CF x

YES!...its cheating.... If he would do this to you...and purposely tell you that YOU are the one with the problems ie...paranoid insecure he is also maen and cruel. PLEASE tell me you aren't still with this lying man.

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 1/20/2008 8:58:49 AM >

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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candy posts in pink font

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 29

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 9:02:16 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: confusedkitten

maybe it is harmless, as he says.. it's just.. why did he do everything he could to keep it from me if he genuinely believed that?

This part is the crux of the issue for me. Actively trying to hide a relationship/interaction that my partner has with someone else from me would be a situation that would damage the trust I have in the relationship. If either he or Alandra felt that they had to hide something from me that they believed was harmless, then I think there is more work that needs to be done in our relationship.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 30

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 9:11:15 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: confusedkitten

Hi all,

I just wondered what others' take on this was. I've been with my partner for a year now and have recently found out that for most of that time he's been using this and other bdsm websites to pose as a single male dom and chat/flirt/msn and occasionally even call eligible young subs.

It was the to my face lying that really hurts the most as up until he couldn't deny it any longer he was still telling me I was just being insecure and paranoid and that the girls that were contacting me to ask whether we were still together were just making everything up.. and stupid , trusting me just swallowed every word. But leaving trust issues aside, do you think its ok to pose as single and chat up members of the opposite sex?

I'm genuinely curious what others think, as although he's apologised, he continues to maintain that what he's doing is perfectly acceptable and not that big a thing as he never meets the girls he's talking to. While I accept that it's not as bad as actually physically cheating, I can't help thinking that you can't be happy in a relationship if you're needing to get your thrills online.. from strangers.. and although he says he'd never meet them, surely it's only a matter of time before you come across someone who you do genuinely spark with.. and really how committed to a relationship can you really be if you're happy to pretend you're single half the time?

On the other hand.. I guess as long as the girls he's talking to also accept it as just online fun, then maybe it is harmless, as he says.. it's just.. why did he do everything he could to keep it from me if he genuinely believed that?

Sorry for the rambling.. if anyones got this far I'd really appreciate you're input as I'm so confused right now!

CF x

He shook your trust in him and that's the bottom line. The fact he was so cavalier about it should tell you that he is not very sensitive to your feelings and his wants will overide your feelings.

You can choose to leave him if you think there is too much damage to repair. You could also take the information he has given you and use it to your advantage. Why not broaden your own horizons and put single on your own profile. Chat with who ever you like and maybe even a few will randomly call him to see if you two are still together. The ball is in his court and if he is ok with this then you have to decide if an open kind of relationship is viable for you - if he is not ok with this then he has to own up to what he did - what's good for the goose is good for the gander

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 31

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 9:16:43 AM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

If your significant other is taking time away from you and making you unhappy with his online chatting then he is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's strictly online or on the phone, the fact he knows it upsets you and doesn't stop the behaviour means he doesn't value the relationship he has with you.

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In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 32

RE: Is chatting on line cheating? - 1/20/2008 9:30:53 AM

tasha_tart

Posts: 385
Joined: 2/20/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Yes he is cheating.

Though I'm far from proud of it, I have been on his end of it. It was one of the contributors to the breakdown of my marriage.

It far too easy to kid yourself that it's not real, it's just on line, I'm not hurting anyone, what he or she doesn't know won't hurt him or her. Those are all lame rationalizations at best and lies at worst.

One spends time and emotional energy seeking something on line that would be better spent nurturing one's offline relationship and dealing with with whatever deficiencies, real or perceived, that have led to seeking emotional fulfilment on the internet.

If your relationship with your partner is not fulfilling you, that needs to be faced head on. Taking refuge in the cyber world, and going behind your partner's back to do so, is avoidance.

It's also a major betrayal of trust, especially when the lies about it begin.

It can also hurt those to whom you relate on line. It's too easy to trample on their emotions while satisfying whatever needs you have.

As for it being your little secret...don't bet on it. It's too easy to get found out, and once the secret is out you are going to give yourself away again and again, no matter how careful you think you're being. If nothing else, the "deer in the headlights" look will give you away when confronted by your partner.

I know all this from experience. I thought it was harmless, and didn't realize the damage I was doing until it was too late. I thought it was a way of dealing with issues in my marriage, that I couldn't/wouldn't honestly sort out with my ex-wife.

I can't get a "do over" on it, but I certainly won't repeat it. I do try to learn from history.

Getting beyond my experience now, if you are getting calls from his "on line" girls this has passed waaaaaaaay beyond armless flirtation. It is definitely cheating, IMO.

Ultimately only you can decide whether you can live with this betrayal of trust, and whether the two of you can reach an accommodation on it. As Ann Landers was fond of saying, "Ask yourself if you are better off with or without him" then act accordingly.

Good luck.

Tasha

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 33

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 9:33:46 AM

solia

Posts: 115
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline

I used to get all bent out of shape about the cheating thing. Who's he talking to? Why? What's being said. An ex of mine used to follow me around town sure that I was cheating on him. Used to ask me what I was talking to a guy about.
I got sick of the drama. My stance now is ... if new skills are being brought to the relationship..what does it matter where they were learned. Online or offline. The deal breaker for me is the disrespect of introducing a disease. Online, you can't get diseases.

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 34

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 9:36:56 AM

MichiganMiss

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline

I agree with everyone else.

Further more I'd like to point out that what is even sicker than the lying and cheating is that he's convincing Kitten that it's 'just her' that he's not doing anything wrong. This is a precursor to abuse/domestic violence. It almost always starts out like this. He comes on like Dom Charming and wins your trust. Then something like this happens and he is questioned he plants seeds of doubt as to your sanity - I mean after all how could Dom Charming be cheating... I must be confused. It devolves from there.

Kitten, get out as soon as you can. Or throw his ass out. Even if you assumed there was an exclusive relationship and there was not the lying and the 'convincing' is enough for met to tell you to GET OUT ASAP.

Sakura

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 35

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 10:00:14 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Hello Kitten;

Obviously, you must make the choice for yourself. There has been very good advice given here, and some brave testimonies by people telling of their own past experiences.
I believe, as others have expressed that if someone is lying to you about what they are doing or saying, or who they are talking to, what is being said, and why, then, yes, it is cheating.
If he had come to you for 'permission' to have an online playtoy, and it was ok with you, then, no harm, no foul.
But you never had the opportunity to grant that permission. That is cheating.
People can change.
But not when they're still defending their actions.
He's not going to change. And the transgressions will probably intensify with time. You have to decide whether or not you are going to be there to witness it.
*hugs*

~Christina

(in reply to MichiganMiss)

Post #: 36

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 10:08:08 AM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

he lied to you about doing it, he lied about the girls who contacted you, he lied to them about being "single". hello!! how many red flags does a person need before they say something is wrong?

PM

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Post #: 37

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 10:11:18 AM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

Chatting online when you have no prior knowledge or agreement is a form of cheating...and it would make me question whether or not there was actually physical contact, since he isn't exactly quite good at being honest. Whatever happens...please know that ALL men aren't liars, cheaters, and scumbags...that's my story, and i'm sticking to it.(smile)

(in reply to confusedkitten)

Post #: 38

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 10:13:30 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Everyone gave you great advice, OP. Please listen and take it all in.

I will tell you one more thing from experience: once someone lies, especially about this kind of thing, they will always, always, always do it again and they will always, always, always, continue to lie about it. It is not for you to change anyone, it is for you to change how you react to this and to decide if you are willing to be a woman who accepts being lied to.

The earlier in life you learn not to accept being mistreated, the more empowered you will be as a woman, a submissive and a person.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 39

RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 10:31:27 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I agree that you can't change another person. And most people do not change greatly over time. My experience regarding liars - if he's going to lie about one thing there are probably mountains of lies, half-truths and non-disclosures in his bag of tricks, just speaking from experience. And like sexyred1 says, all you can do is change your reaction, you can't change him.

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Post #: 40

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