How Do You Know

How Do You Know (Full Version)

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kdbell -> How Do You Know (1/20/2008 8:21:04 AM)
Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times. How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending. I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits. We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine. However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries. This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet. I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible.

liketophoto -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 8:26:22 AM)
References

IrishMist -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 8:32:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdbell Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times. How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending. I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits. We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine. However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries. This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet. I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible. You don't know; until you have taken the necessary time to get to know him/her. If you rush into it with someone simply because they insist it is the thing to do; well, you have only yourself to blame. I rely on my instincts; if it feels right, I go with it. You however, have to rely on what you feel is right for you; not on what others say. As for what liketophoto said; I don't do references; I don't ask for them, I don't recommend them. I do recommend getting to know others in your area and attending some clubs, meetings, play parties with them if you can; so that you can get a first hand feel for others.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 8:38:59 AM)
what Irish said - really get to the know the person before playing. it's all about trust when it comes to playing with someone you hardly know.

jackriddle -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 8:42:52 AM)
I think this is like any kind of relations. If you don't exercise good judgement, you may get hurt. Except that, as a sub, you put yourself in a particularly vulnerable position, which requires you to be even more careful. If you add the 'web factor', a great medium but where creeps flow like flies on honey, you'd better get to know someone before you get tied up at his/her feet. I hope you'll get over this and find the right dom. There are lots of great people out there. And as I've seen (I think) in someone's signature around here: "good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement"... Take care, Jack

Level -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 8:48:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdbell Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times. How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending. I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits. We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine. However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries. This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet. I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible. Well, he may still be dominant, but also a dick. The two aren't necessarily exclusive.

sexyred1 -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 9:55:46 AM)
What a question..how to answer...you don't know. You cannot know if someone is truly a Dom, or normal, or not going to hurt you physically or emotionally or if you will be compatible with them or really anything until you meet them and get to know them and even then, you may not know. People are mysterious creatures; they can hide things from each other for years, even from themselves. It is hard to trust and let go in the pursuit of getting your needs taken care, but you do need to take some precautions, such as not letting yourself get into a predicament that you cannot get out of the first time you play with someone. Just try and go slow and use the little voice in your head that senses red flags, sometimes that voice senses what the other parts of you denies.

LadyPact -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 11:31:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: liketophoto References A little time spent in the real time community helps, too.

MamaDomme1 -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 11:38:11 AM)
I suggest getting to know them a lot better before actually playing. The Kansas City area has a very decent BDSM community and I hope that you become active and meet others. You will learn who you can trust and who you should take extra precautions around. And like others have already said, just because someone is a Dominant, doesn't mean that they can't be an asshole too. There are jerks of all flavors.

Kleemar -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 11:53:41 AM)
You can't take out all the risk, but most people can FEEL or sense if it is right. To meet in a vanilla safe setting, sets the stage. Converstion is a good way to judge. For me, it is my place to ask limits and safe word. To find out physical/mental limitations is a responsibility of the dom. If he/she isn't probing for that information, the sub becomes just a piece of meat and more times than not, the sub will not enjoy the experience.

kinkypuppy2 -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 12:59:55 PM)
If they went outside agreed limits or ignored an agreed upon safeword.. Leave.. now...

Rushemery -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 1:26:06 PM)
take a friend with you if you insist on playing the first time, anyone reasonable should be ok with that

sweetwenchie -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 1:38:05 PM)
i do not think there is any one true to way to know. And as others here have stated, even Dominants can be assholes. Ignoring your limits and safewords doesn't neccessarily make him "not a Dom"... it makes him someone unsafe to play with. Personally i do not play with someone before a number of real time meetings as friends first. There needs to be a level of trust established before i will let myself be vulnerable to possible harm. Not everyone is comfortable in a public setting, however playing in public does help with safety issues, especially if you have friends there that are aware of your limits and can inform a DM if he is abusing those limits. just my thoughts on this

Focus50 -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 2:20:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdbell Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times. How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending. I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits. We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine. However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries. This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet. I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible. This isn't about whether this individual was dominant so much as trustworthy - and clearly he wasn't! Trust has a relatively simple concept to it - you take whatever time you both need to develop it. And considering this was your first r/l experience, I suspect you did what many newbies do - you were guided by your hunger to feel the sensation of D/s play without enough consideration for who you were actually trusting yourself to. A vanilla equivalent might be of a horny male just going where his dick leads him and to hell with anything else, rather than making sound choices to begin with.... What you do is consider the whole package of anyone you choose to get involved with and ALWAYS trust your instincts about them. And especially take the time to develop trust - it doesn't require a College Degree to figger out if someone is seeing all of you as opposed to just a piece of meat he might have his way with.... Focus.

MissHarlet -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 2:33:05 PM)
Dont give into the newbie frenzies .. take time ... lots of time .. to know the person well before you play. In my opinion .. playing on a first meet is never wise .. sometimes not even on second or third meet. As others have said .. take a friend with you the first few times you play with someone if it is possible. If you have any doubts at all DON'T.... Your instincts usually are sound if you listen to them.

liketophoto -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 5:12:53 PM)
References are cooberated with people you know from your network of people you have met in the lifestyle and trust. These are not just the kind of references as if you were looking to have your kitchen redone. I also have a crystal ball, but the facts speak for themselves. I had a job interveiw once where I was told the address for the interveiw was next door. They would have people knock on the door and watch to see what peoples reactions were when no one answered. Everyone has there ways IrishMist has some very good suggestions also. It is what works for Her. Respectfully, LTP

DesFIP -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 6:40:08 PM)
You run the same risk if you get to chatting with a guy at a bar and give him your phone number. He says he'll pick you up for dinner at 7 on Thursday but you take a risk once you let him into your apartment. Take more time talking. Talk about important things. See him publicly and assess how he treats a waitress. Does he show up on time to take you out? Does he go off the deep end if he gets cut off in traffic? Does he boast about getting back at people? Has he had ten jobs in four years and blames all of his exbosses? Same red flags in regular conversations apply here.

IrishMist -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 7:19:27 PM)
quote: References are cooberated with people you know from your network of people you have met in the lifestyle and trust. Whatever ...I am not going to go into the whole reference debate again...you want my real opinion on it, look up a few threads from the last couple months. [8\|]

kdbell -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 10:13:19 PM)
You all have great advice, Momma Domme 1 mentioned to check out the local BDSM Community. Are there special bars &/or clubs for this lifestyle. Being as some have called me a newbie where do you turn to meet others in this lifestyle and see how they interactive? I wish my friends were on board with this, because bringing one might be a good idea, but they are totally against this.

Bound2One -> RE: How Do You Know (1/20/2008 11:38:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdbell You all have great advice, Momma Domme 1 mentioned to check out the local BDSM Community. Are there special bars &/or clubs for this lifestyle. Being as some have called me a newbie where do you turn to meet others in this lifestyle and see how they interactive? I wish my friends were on board with this, because bringing one might be a good idea, but they are totally against this. Have you heard the term 'munch'? A munch is a gathering of people in the BDSM community typically held in a restaurant/diner usually monthly to discuss issues within the community and to chat and talk and meet one another. Do a google search for your city and the word 'munch'. You're in a dangerous time right now, I think - not knowing much about something that you really want to explore, and you need someone you trust to guide you. It's finding that someone to trust, obviously, which is the hard part. I'd do a lot of reading if I were you. There's a ton of information online both on these forums and elsewhere which will give you a better sense of maybe what want. Run a search for 'bdsm checklist' - this will give you a huge listing of activities and you can see where your desires run and what you'd like to try. If you get a better sense of what you are actually looking for, it may help you spot a Dominant who will be compatible with you.

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