Giving up and giving in

Giving up and giving in (Full Version)

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shysoul -> Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 6:08:31 PM)
When is it time to pack up the paddles whips and ropes for good and call it quits? If one can go venilla and be happy where they ever really cut out for all of this to begin with, can you swing both ways be happy in a venilla or a BDSM relationship or is that sort of versitility simply imposable in a sane person??? just food for thought. -SS-

DesFIP -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 6:14:12 PM)
I don't need the fun stuff to have a satisfying relationship. I can go to dinner and drink water or iced tea and have the same enjoyment of my meal as if I were drinking a fine wine with it. The wine adds to the experience but its absence doesn't ruin it. I feel the same about rope and spankings. The toys are extraneous. They're a lot of fun but they aren't necessary. What is necessary is that the food be carefully prepared, that everything be fresh and good quality. For me that's the bottom line. And when in comes to wiitwd, the equivalent is that he be a naturally dominant male. That he wants the responsibilities as much as he wants the rights. With that said, I like having a glass of good wine with a good meal, and I think ropes and toys make sex more fun. But they aren't the meat and potatoes of the relationship, just the extra bits.

denika -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 6:17:42 PM)
I think anything is possible if you want it bad enough. I've never really been mainstream, my entire adult life (married 18 years) we have had an open if not really kinky relationship but after exploring BDSM, I know for certian it is definatly a Genie I could never put back in the bottle. I have thought about it, but I know that I would be miserable and always feeling like something was missing. With work I believe it can be blended, Rob is far from what you would call 'vanilla or mainstream' but he's also not into BDSM, he's not a sadist to my masochist but he accepts that I am and has encouraged me from the sidelines of that path I walk while still maintaining his own beleifs. It tkes alot of talking, alot of time but it can be done if you care enough to make it work. Wolf's denika

celticlord2112 -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 6:23:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shysoul When is it time to pack up the paddles whips and ropes for good and call it quits? If one can go venilla and be happy where they ever really cut out for all of this to begin with, can you swing both ways be happy in a venilla or a BDSM relationship or is that sort of versitility simply imposable in a sane person??? just food for thought. -SS- Yes and no. I have had many rewarding vanilla friendships and relationships. However, I have also reached a juncture in my life where I will not even attempt to engage in a serious relationship with a woman where I am not the dominant partner--I will own my lovers, that is how I wish things to be. As for the kink.....that depends on the relationship. For the right relationship...absolutely. People are always the main priority.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 6:53:53 PM)
As someone in a vanilla based relationship I certainly know it's possible to have both- in fact a majority of people in kink say they need a relationship based on love first with the authority dynamics and kink added on. The real question is- are you doing what you do because it feels right for you, or because you keep something something else to fulfill you?

MidMichCowboy -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 7:16:57 PM)
For me, that is like asking when I'm going to give up on having a relationship. I go through spells where I get tired of all the bull out there. Its not just "lifestyle" relationships. I've taken women to dinner and couldn't make it through waiting for the meal to come without them asking if I thought we could make it married. I've had subs who just wanted someone to get them out of trouble. So, I spend some quality time riding horse and motorcycle until I get lonely enough and I try again. I don't see a successful relationship without it and I don't see a successful relationship based on just that. Are you as confused as I am now?

DominaSmartass -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 7:51:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shysoul When is it time to pack up the paddles whips and ropes for good and call it quits? If one can go venilla and be happy where they ever really cut out for all of this to begin with, can you swing both ways be happy in a venilla or a BDSM relationship or is that sort of versitility simply imposable in a sane person??? just food for thought. -SS- I know some people who have left the scene and "gone vanilla" for a while - generally they come back because that didn't work. It seems sometimes that people get into wiitwd because they've had no luck in the vanilla world and then these same people will have no luck in the scene and drop out to become vanilla again. Newsflash: the only common link between all your dysfunctional relationships is you. (Not meaning you, the OP, just rhetorically.) BDSM and all that the acronym stands for can be as small as playing out a fantasy during sex or as large as living as a 24/7 slave, but I don't think anyone who is truly happy in what they do, to whatever extent, could just give it up and not feel like something is missing. However, that's not to say that people do. I think people give things up all the time and live their whole lives feeling like something is missing in order to get to live in a state that is ultimately more fulfilling than not. The best advice I ever got on this type of thing is that if you wake up every day wondering it what you're doing is right, it's probably not.

sharainks -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 7:54:28 PM)
I think many people just go through phases in thier life where something "is" them. At another point it can become something that no longer fits what they want. Thats up to you to decide. I wouldn't waste a lot of time wondering about whether you were ever suited for it or not. If you have decided for whatever reason that the whole thing just isn't your cuppa tea anymore leave it behind. People can be and are happy in vanilla relationships. Some things are easier like not worrying about whether the other person meets what you need in terms of the power structure. You don't have to worry about being pushed into things that you aren't comfortable with so that you can feel submissive, you can just say no thanks. In my case I have pretty much always been a switch with some bottom tendencies and that tends not to be what most people in this want. Male doms, which is what I was interested in, tend to want submissives not someone who can suddenly want to turn the tables on them. I've never been interested in sub males. Topping someone only appealed when it was a dominant. At some point I just had to realize that the way most people want to do this just isn't me and it won't be.

Leatherist -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 7:54:41 PM)
Sometimes you don't really have to give up on your likes, only who you do them with. It's possible to be much happier with a relationship with no connection to any public "scene". Often MUCH more so, and with a great deal less stress.

angelslave77 -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/20/2008 8:06:05 PM)
Sir and I discussed this because for both of us it is the first relationship that has a grounding in nilla and kink. We are absolutely wildly in love cant keep our hands off each other in the nilla sense, but the D/s is so very important and I just dont think things would work in the long term without him being a D type, I have been there done that, and I have been with a D type that I didnt have the nilla connection with and that didnt work either. So while we dont necessarily need the whips and floggers Sir and I agreed with both need the dynamic, it is who we are and neither of us (either together or if we parted) could forsee ourselves ever being able to settle for just nilla.

batshalom -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/21/2008 4:07:08 AM)
Speaking from a rather vanilla viewpoint at the moment ... I am not currently in a relationship and don't know when I will have time for one. I am immersed in school (which seems to be my Dom right now), will be for a number of years, as well as domestic and career duties. My life is pretty darned vanilla these days - I don't do casual at all ever so it will probably remain vanilla for a long time. When in a relationship, however, I could not / would not be in a vanilla one. It is completely unsatisfying to me. I need to submit as much as I need to eat, breathe, and sleep because it is a part of who I am. Kink is great but not the attraction for me - it's the authority transfer and service.

Justme696 -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/21/2008 4:21:52 AM)
I can "switch" between them...for the right person. But I peek at collarme often then..longing for it. 20 years soon it will besince I became like this....It is me..it is in my blood...I always come back... Sometimes the feeling controls me, sometimes I control the feelings, but it is always there. I can't switch it off as I could in the beginning. But I admit...my Dom behaviour is part of my daily life too. I am just like that...my personality.

eyesopened -> RE: Giving up and giving in (1/21/2008 4:53:14 AM)
Everyone experiences periods of dissatisfaction with their relationships or jobs or just about anything. There are times when self reflection is healthy and necessary. Is the the BDSM that is the true cause of feelings of unrest? Or can a person drill deeper and find a more basic explaination?

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