Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Unable to use your safeword?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Unable to use your safeword? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 7:21:50 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:


One time, Master was playing with me- not really extreme, but there was some mindfuck stuff going along with the physical (as there often is). Somehow, my mind left- not in a good way. I went totally fight-or-flight. Feral. I was in total survival mode- remaining outwardly calm while plotting my escape. I finally broke and went crazy- screaming and fighting (in His small townhouse. Yikes, He had to calm me fast.)


I found this scary to read...and that this could happen. Safewords will never work in these situations...using your mind will.
(not meant so harsh as it sounds, it is all up to you two how far you like to go))

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Dari)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 7:52:24 AM   
burningdesires47


Posts: 120
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		in my experiences, I managed to safeword out of the worst of them without any conscious thought of doing so, even in situations where I thought I couldn't. I wish I could tell you how, because I think that if I knew it could be very helpful to some. Part of it, I think, is that a small part of my calculating mind stays attached, watching, evaluating, and safeguarding my well-being. It happens when I'm decidedly un-sober, no matter what the chemical taking me out of my usual headspace (alcohol, various painkillers, etc.), that I will become immediately sober if something is wrong (scared the doctor in the ER shitless one day because of the amount of painkillers I was on, and suddenly instead of a ranting giggling little girl, I was sober, cognitive, and able to tell them exactly what was wrong).

Perhaps my fibromyalgia is good for something... a part of my mind is constantly evaluating my physical and mental state to determine if I need to eat, if I'm overdoing it, if I need this painkiller versus that painkiller, if a pain that I'm feeling is dangerous or caused by something needing treatment such as a burn or cut that I was unaware of receiving... and if that's truly the cause of my ability to safeword out of a dangerous scene, then I'm not sure someone without a chronic illness can ever be taught that.

Course there was one time when I simply could not say my safe word. A headspace where I was babbling about needing to stop, crying, saying random things that could ever be used as safewords (like chair, and table, and spaghetti... those are the only ones I remember saying), but the one that WAS my safe word just would not come out. I could think it, and I was trying to say it, but every time I tried, something else would come out..... she stopped anyway. She could tell something was wrong, that it wasn't just cathartic babbling (because given the scene, that could have happened, but apparently talking about random food items clued her in lol), and we dealt with it.

(in reply to Dari)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 8:11:02 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Julia,
Don't know how you perceive this, but I would say the situation you describe below was "dangerous". This would be especially true for the situation where 'safe-words' are most often used; people with little or no experience with their own mental and emotional and emotional processing of the sensations. The helpless feeling can occur regardless of which side of the flogger you prefer.



My comments are not pointed at you personally, and your observations have nothing to do with my life, so I fail to see why you addressed this to me.

quote:

It was fortunate that you had such an experienced person with your best interests in mind. Many, don't have that same luxury. Yours is a good example of the danger.


You may perceive it that way, which is rather amusing since you were not there, did not see what happened. What other people do or do not do is not my responsibility, as far as how they use safewords. My only responsibility when it comes to Ds play is to do as I am told by my Daddy, if he says "if you feel the need to tell me that you are not okay, say 'red'", I do it. I do not second guess his judgment, if I were he would hardly be my Daddy. Second guess my Daddy all you like, your opinion means nothing to me. It just lowers any sort of desire I have to read your thoughts on any topic.

quote:

Thanks, I'll refer to it next time the subject arises at our munch.




You know merc, the more I read your comments on this board to me, the more I see how strongly you dislike me, I suppose I may have to sit there while you insult my Daddy and I at the South Bay munch and how we do things....call him "dangerous"... he deals with all that. It isn't me that decides... but I can tell you, anyone that insults a dominant to his submissive is pretty low in my estimation


< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/22/2008 8:17:37 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 8:22:10 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:


One time, Master was playing with me- not really extreme, but there was some mindfuck stuff going along with the physical (as there often is). Somehow, my mind left- not in a good way. I went totally fight-or-flight. Feral. I was in total survival mode- remaining outwardly calm while plotting my escape. I finally broke and went crazy- screaming and fighting (in His small townhouse. Yikes, He had to calm me fast.)


I found this scary to read...and that this could happen. Safewords will never work in these situations...using your mind will.
(not meant so harsh as it sounds, it is all up to you two how far you like to go))


Please ignore the above comment as it is completely wrong. 

What happened to you has a name "emotional landmine."  It is where you have an issue you didn't know about and somebody steps in it.  It is usually something deep from childhood that evokes a very strong reaction, often causing someone to go non verbal, they literally lose the ability to speak.  Until you know about it, it is a "hidden emotional landmine" and triggering it is nobodies fault.  I once had a submissive for whom the sound of a leather belt snapping was such a trigger, she had been beaten with one as a child and the reaction to the sound was instantaneous and very negative.

The only book I know of that talks about this issue is Consensual Sadomasochism.

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 8:50:31 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Julia,
Don't know how you perceive this, but I would say the situation you describe below was "dangerous". This would be especially true for the situation where 'safe-words' are most often used; people with little or no experience with their own mental and emotional and emotional processing of the sensations. The helpless feeling can occur regardless of which side of the flogger you prefer.



My comments are not pointed at you personally, and your observations have nothing to do with my life, so I fail to see why you addressed this to me.

quote:

It was fortunate that you had such an experienced person with your best interests in mind. Many, don't have that same luxury. Yours is a good example of the danger.


You may perceive it that way, which is rather amusing since you were not there, did not see what happened. What other people do or do not do is not my responsibility, as far as how they use safewords. My only responsibility when it comes to Ds play is to do as I am told by my Daddy, if he says "if you feel the need to tell me that you are not okay, say 'red'", I do it. I do not second guess his judgment, if I were he would hardly be my Daddy. Second guess my Daddy all you like, your opinion means nothing to me. It just lowers any sort of desire I have to read your thoughts on any topic.

quote:

Thanks, I'll refer to it next time the subject arises at our munch.




You know merc, the more I read your comments on this board to me, the more I see how strongly you dislike me, I suppose I may have to sit there while you insult my Daddy and I at the South Bay munch and how we do things....call him "dangerous"... he deals with all that. It isn't me that decides... but I can tell you, anyone that insults a dominant to his submissive is pretty low in my estimation
Quoted in entirety to make sure nothing was taken out of context.
Julia,
Never expected you to be so defensive. Yours was a good reference, pointed to a belief I've held for a long time - nothing more; regardless of your paranoia. I don't know why a positive example would be "insulting". Sorry that you feel and took it that way.

Don't know or think enough about you to hate you and it would be a waste of energy. Feel that you're post speaks for itself and was commenting appropriately. What happened to you defines danger from my perspective. That was the only comment. I'm sorry if you felt it insulting. The gratitude for you sharing the experience was legitimate. Your perception of "hatred" is very much misguided, as is your perception as what occurs at a munch - at least the South Bay version. The people we meet there are confident enough not to perceive disagreement, or in this instance prima facia agreement, as an attack and/or "insult". Most find debate, whether about safe-words (although I can't remember when the subject was last breached) or the "best" club in LA, amusing and enjoyable.

I comment on a post based upon what is said in that post, any similar experience expressed would have generated the same comment. If you have a different agenda and keep some kind of 'score' - I have no interest or desire to play.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 8:55:03 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:


One time, Master was playing with me- not really extreme, but there was some mindfuck stuff going along with the physical (as there often is). Somehow, my mind left- not in a good way. I went totally fight-or-flight. Feral. I was in total survival mode- remaining outwardly calm while plotting my escape. I finally broke and went crazy- screaming and fighting (in His small townhouse. Yikes, He had to calm me fast.)


I found this scary to read...and that this could happen. Safewords will never work in these situations...using your mind will.
(not meant so harsh as it sounds, it is all up to you two how far you like to go))


Please ignore the above comment as it is completely wrong. 

What happened to you has a name "emotional landmine."  It is where you have an issue you didn't know about and somebody steps in it.  It is usually something deep from childhood that evokes a very strong reaction, often causing someone to go non verbal, they literally lose the ability to speak.  Until you know about it, it is a "hidden emotional landmine" and triggering it is nobodies fault.  I once had a submissive for whom the sound of a leather belt snapping was such a trigger, she had been beaten with one as a child and the reaction to the sound was instantaneous and very negative.

The only book I know of that talks about this issue is Consensual Sadomasochism.


If it was wrong, my comment, then why didn't a safe word work?
Could this have gone very bad? Would you then have told your theory the same way?

I am just thinking up loud...not judging..but worrying about a person. Think worrying is never wrong.
Books can be read..but do they solve things always?



< Message edited by Justme696 -- 1/22/2008 8:56:12 AM >

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 8:56:17 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		You know... whatever floats your boat merc...

If you have an issue with my Daddy's use of safewords, address your comments to him, not me, as I am not the one that decides on their use or disuse. You can email him on the other side about it if you like.

I did not say "hate", I said "dislike"... and your post to me on several occasions lead me to believe you do in fact dislike me. Perhaps using a situation that occurred during our play as being "dangerous" wasn't meant to be insulting..... who the fuck knows, who the fuck cares (not me).

Edited to add, my comments were for the OP,not for you to theorize on, they were personal in nature about something I felt during a personal moment... and if you want to take that personal moment and dissect it as "dangerous", that is your thang...


< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/22/2008 8:58:12 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:07:14 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:


One time, Master was playing with me- not really extreme, but there was some mindfuck stuff going along with the physical (as there often is). Somehow, my mind left- not in a good way. I went totally fight-or-flight. Feral. I was in total survival mode- remaining outwardly calm while plotting my escape. I finally broke and went crazy- screaming and fighting (in His small townhouse. Yikes, He had to calm me fast.)


I found this scary to read...and that this could happen. Safewords will never work in these situations...using your mind will.
(not meant so harsh as it sounds, it is all up to you two how far you like to go))


Please ignore the above comment as it is completely wrong. 

What happened to you has a name "emotional landmine."  It is where you have an issue you didn't know about and somebody steps in it.  It is usually something deep from childhood that evokes a very strong reaction, often causing someone to go non verbal, they literally lose the ability to speak.  Until you know about it, it is a "hidden emotional landmine" and triggering it is nobodies fault.  I once had a submissive for whom the sound of a leather belt snapping was such a trigger, she had been beaten with one as a child and the reaction to the sound was instantaneous and very negative.

The only book I know of that talks about this issue is Consensual Sadomasochism.


If it was wrong, my comment, then why didn't a safe word work?
Could this have gone very bad? Would you then have told your theory the same way?

I am just thinking up loud...not judging..but worrying about a person. Think worrying is never wrong.
Books can be read..but do they solve things always?




Safe words don't work Jm, because this is a flashback. When it happens you are again in that situation you were in while still a minor, unprotected. You aren't an adult remembering it, you literally are back in that situation. Google Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flashbacks for it.

But it's like being trapped in a nightmare. You don't know it's a nightmare, you do believe it's real. Since I don't know very many small people who get a safeword, and who when being abused had any ability to stop it, the safeword doesn't come to mind because you didn't have one back then.  Paying attention to your partner is the only thing I know that works. Learn their normal response and you'll be able to identify an abnormal response.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:08:55 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:


One time, Master was playing with me- not really extreme, but there was some mindfuck stuff going along with the physical (as there often is). Somehow, my mind left- not in a good way. I went totally fight-or-flight. Feral. I was in total survival mode- remaining outwardly calm while plotting my escape. I finally broke and went crazy- screaming and fighting (in His small townhouse. Yikes, He had to calm me fast.)


I found this scary to read...and that this could happen. Safewords will never work in these situations...using your mind will.
(not meant so harsh as it sounds, it is all up to you two how far you like to go))


Please ignore the above comment as it is completely wrong. 

What happened to you has a name "emotional landmine."  It is where you have an issue you didn't know about and somebody steps in it.  It is usually something deep from childhood that evokes a very strong reaction, often causing someone to go non verbal, they literally lose the ability to speak.  Until you know about it, it is a "hidden emotional landmine" and triggering it is nobodies fault.  I once had a submissive for whom the sound of a leather belt snapping was such a trigger, she had been beaten with one as a child and the reaction to the sound was instantaneous and very negative.

The only book I know of that talks about this issue is Consensual Sadomasochism.


If it was wrong, my comment, then why didn't a safe word work?
Could this have gone very bad? Would you then have told your theory the same way?

I am just thinking up loud...not judging..but worrying about a person. Think worrying is never wrong.
Books can be read..but do they solve things always?




Safe words don't work Jm, because this is a flashback. When it happens you are again in that situation you were in while still a minor, unprotected. You aren't an adult remembering it, you literally are back in that situation. Google Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flashbacks for it.

But it's like being trapped in a nightmare. You don't know it's a nightmare, you do believe it's real. Since I don't know very many small people who get a safeword, and who when being abused had any ability to stop it, the safeword doesn't come to mind because you didn't have one back then.  Paying attention to your partner is the only thing I know that works. Learn their normal response and you'll be able to identify an abnormal response.


thank you for explaining...already learned something again.


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:18:49 AM   
DisenchantedLife


Posts: 193
Status: offline 		Julia, I like you - always have.  You and Merc always seem to get into this........ for  a very long time.  The two of you always butt heads.  Merc posts something, you take it wrong and get defensive.  Even if he isn't speaking directly to you, you still take offense.  If you can't handle what he says, maybe its wiser to ignore it, instead of getting confrontational and defensive = )

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:18:58 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

You know... whatever floats your boat merc...

If you have an issue with my Daddy's use of safewords, address your comments to him, not me, as I am not the one that decides on their use or disuse. You can email him on the other side about it if you like.

I did not say "hate", I said "dislike"... and your post to me on several occasions lead me to believe you do in fact dislike me. Perhaps using a situation that occurred during our play as being "dangerous" wasn't meant to be insulting..... who the fuck knows, who the fuck cares (not me).

Edited to add, my comments were for the OP,not for you to theorize on, they were personal in nature about something I felt during a personal moment... and if you want to take that personal moment and dissect it as "dangerous", that is your thang...


Ahhhh Julia - so much emotion betrays your "who the fuck cares".... but that's just me.

My comments back in response to your comments to the OP is my understanding of what a message board is all about; your mileage may vary.

Your "daddy's" use of safe words is no different than any other reference to them. Affecting me - not in the slightest, the "dangerous" nature is up to any reader to determine. You shouldn't be so defensive regarding the relationship with your daddy and the use of safe-words. Congratulations that it words for you and you've gotten beyond the experience you related. It serves as a reference for others to note regarding the experiences they are considering and nothing more. It doesn't make 'one true' or 'right' way yours or mine to own. It speaks for itself very well. No need for further amplification or clarification from your daddy, but thanks for the offer.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:28:03 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		You know, I rarely think that I can determine what happens in other people's interactions as being "dangerous" based upon nothing but a paragraph... I am just not psychic I guess. I mean you know exactly what happened and the nature of what went on by my statements of how I felt.  You do not know the activity we were engaged in, you do not know how long we were going it, you do not know if it was sadomasochism, or bondage, or anything else. You do not know what made him "stop". You only know what I felt, yet you made this determination...I would like to be a fly on the wall when you have this discussion at a munch....

Merc: "well there is this sub on CM that wrote about not being able to say her safeword, proves their dangerous"

Person at the munch: "what was her dom doing to her?"

Merc: "well I don't know"

person at the munch: "how long were they playing?"

merc: "I don't know"

Person at the munch: "did he stop?"

merc: "yes"

person at the munch: "what caused him to stop?"

merc: "I don't know"

Yeah, a lot of fodder for your debates.


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:36:49 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		You simply cannot always recognize that someone may be in danger if their mind is unbalanced.
I am going to repost.
 
"If I had a safeword, would it be respected and if I failed to use it, would I still be safe with that dominant."
 
That means safe during and in the after. And that means everyone involved.  You have to be aware of the risk, which is why safe and sane is pretty redundant.
 
the.dark.



_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:40:50 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		We do not use safewords, so I will answer the post from the perspective of "has there been a time that I have been unable to clearly communicate to him that there was something wrong within the play".

Yes and I am sure that it will happen again in the future.  It is one of the risks that have been assessed in playing. 

There was once when all he was doing was talking to me.  He was painting a picture of a scenario and it hit an emotional trigger from when I was raped as a young teen.  The only word I could manage was "please".  He knew immediately from the tone of my voice that something was wrong and completely changed the scenario to help me take my power back.  It was that 10 - 15 minutes that helped him decide that he would tread very carefully regarding any play that would have me communicating "no" in any way.

There was another time when we were in the dungeon and he grabbed me just like my mom used to do when she would spank me and then he hit me with a cane.  A couple minutes later he bent me over his horse and used a paddle on me.  I was sobbing so hard that there was no way I could speak.  It put me in the head space that I had done something wrong and he was angry at me.  Since then, whenever he uses a paddle I cry a lot, but we have worked on the association of being paddled means I have done something wrong.  The association is still there but I can recognize that he isn't mad at me.  However, he will not allow anyone else to use a paddle on me. 

In both of these times because of his knowledge of me and my reactions, he recognized rather quickly that something was wrong even though I was not able to communicate it to him.  However, there is no way he could have known before hand that doing what he did would cause that reaction in me.  He knows now and treads carefully in those areas.  As I mentioned before, it is part of the risk of playing for us and we accept that risk and deal with it as it comes.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:43:16 AM   
burningdesires47


Posts: 120
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

So, anyways, as to the premise of not being able to use my safeword? Yes, this happened to me once. He stopped anyways. I simply could not say my safeword, I felt as though i could not stop him no matter what he wanted to do with me, to me. It was an emotional thing and I just started to sob because while I wanted him to stop what he was doing on some level, I lost the will to stop him. It was that night I realized just how much I belong to him when I sink into subspace.


Julia, do you disagree that in the hands of an inexperienced Dom (whether inexperienced with YOU or just in general) a sub in a headspace where they are unable to communicate a safeword COULD be dangerous? Where a Dom who is not as compassionate or understanding of the ways of subspace could in theory get a power trip over the realization that this sub in front of them couldn't say their safeword right now, even if they wanted to? Being in such a headspace is, indeed, dangerous, and that is exactly what the thrill is for many people. It is the people involved and how they behave that counteracts the inherant danger to that situation. YOU with YOUR dom in THAT situation was not dangerous. a SUB in THAT s8i8tuation with ANY other dom could very well be in danger.




quote:



Julia,
Don't know how you perceive this, but I would say the situation you describe below was "dangerous". This would be especially true for the situation where 'safe-words' are most often used; people with little or no experience with their own mental and emotional and emotional processing of the sensations. The helpless feeling can occur regardless of which side of the flogger you prefer.

It was fortunate that you had such an experienced person with your best interests in mind. Many, don't have that same luxury. Yours is a good example of the danger.

Thanks, I'll refer to it next time the subject arises at our munch.


I took that response to be a sincere thank you to you for sharing your experience, so that it can be used as an example of how a situation can be dangerous, but when handled appropriately diffuses the danger. To point out that, just as I said, the situation was not dangerous TO YOU, but to a newer sub, less experienced in listening to themselves; with a newer dom less experienced with that sub or subs in subspace in general; to point out that many couples eschew the need for safewords after they have grown comfortable with each other, but that couples who are just starting out together are where safewords are most often used, but your own point that sometimes one cannot say them CAN INDEED be dangerous. To those people, the people which were used as an example for whom those situations would be most likely to occur.


It seems you simply misread the intent as sarcasm rather than genuine agreement. But it seemed to me, in that first place, that he was agreeing with you, and then he points out later that you seem to have misunderstood him, perhaps you could find it in your heart to concede that misinterpretation on the internets is common, and that it seems to be the case here.

Because for what it's worth, I enjoy reading your take on things, and seeing you get angry/hurt/upset is a bit disconcerting.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:47:05 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

There are a lot of people that post here that do not use safewords, and there are some that even find them to be "dangerous". I just wanted to put that out there, because you can plan on those people replying to this thread, as they do to all safeword threads.


We have never read a person say that a safeword is 'dangerous',  we have seen them say that safewords can be too heavily relied upon, but never outright dangerous.  Everyone interprets things differently hey.  We are not wanting to fall into the whole 'its right or wrong' discussion, but we felt this was a slight exagaration on the whole 'to safeword or to not safeword' debate and as julia had placed her view, we are placing ours.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 9:59:44 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:


One time, Master was playing with me- not really extreme, but there was some mindfuck stuff going along with the physical (as there often is). Somehow, my mind left- not in a good way. I went totally fight-or-flight. Feral. I was in total survival mode- remaining outwardly calm while plotting my escape. I finally broke and went crazy- screaming and fighting (in His small townhouse. Yikes, He had to calm me fast.)


I found this scary to read...and that this could happen. Safewords will never work in these situations...using your mind will.
(not meant so harsh as it sounds, it is all up to you two how far you like to go))


Please ignore the above comment as it is completely wrong. 

What happened to you has a name "emotional landmine."  It is where you have an issue you didn't know about and somebody steps in it.  It is usually something deep from childhood that evokes a very strong reaction, often causing someone to go non verbal, they literally lose the ability to speak.  Until you know about it, it is a "hidden emotional landmine" and triggering it is nobodies fault.  I once had a submissive for whom the sound of a leather belt snapping was such a trigger, she had been beaten with one as a child and the reaction to the sound was instantaneous and very negative.

The only book I know of that talks about this issue is Consensual Sadomasochism.


If it was wrong, my comment, then why didn't a safe word work?
Could this have gone very bad? Would you then have told your theory the same way?

I am just thinking up loud...not judging..but worrying about a person. Think worrying is never wrong.
Books can be read..but do they solve things always?




Safe words don't work Jm, because this is a flashback. When it happens you are again in that situation you were in while still a minor, unprotected. You aren't an adult remembering it, you literally are back in that situation. Google Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flashbacks for it.

But it's like being trapped in a nightmare. You don't know it's a nightmare, you do believe it's real. Since I don't know very many small people who get a safeword, and who when being abused had any ability to stop it, the safeword doesn't come to mind because you didn't have one back then.  Paying attention to your partner is the only thing I know that works. Learn their normal response and you'll be able to identify an abnormal response.


thank you for explaining...already learned something again.



Hi Just;

There can be times a submissive can be so deep in their own head, that they are not experiencing (in their mind anyway) what is actually taking place. They are experiencing something totally different. Many times it does arise from something traumatic in their past. Sometimes play just 'goes bad' and you don't really know why.
But when you are stuck in that place, a safeword isn't something that even flashes through your mind. It's a bit like a soldier who believes he's under attack, even when he is safely ensconced with his family.
It's a scary place to be, and 'fight or flight' is hardly strong enough to describe a person's feelings when this happens.
It's difficult to 'use your head' in that situation. Which is why it's so important to have a dom(me) you can trust.
I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to consider the whole situation. It takes a strong person to do that.

~Christina

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 10:09:03 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		Hi Christina

thank you for the explanation. I always get a little worried  when the "mind" gets involved.
Flesh wounds heal..but the mind takes so long to recover...if it ever does.

Damian


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 10:12:11 AM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		i can think of two instances where i should have safe worded out, but was unable to.  Once was during my first public play scene with an ex... i slipped so far into space that i was entirely unaware of what was happening to my body.  He was unable to read my reactions, and later told me that he thought i was so quiet and still that he was not giving me enough.  He came very close to causing serious bodily injury because i was not able to make him aware that it was going too far.  The other instance was an emotional freak out.  i have abandonment issues, and was playing with a friend at FF.  He and i had played together on another occasion, but that was at a public venue.  This was our first one on one time. He found a quiet stairwell, had me strip, placed a ball gag in, and cuffed me to the railing.  He then said he would be back.. and walked away.  Talk about instant panic attack.  He had only walked down one flight of stairs, and was basically standing right under me.  When he came back up and saw my distress he did all the right things, and made sure that i was recovering.  Later when we discussed it, i realized that i had not told him all my issues so he was unaware of how badly i would react to that situation. At any time i could have removed the gag myself and called an end to the situation. In my panic i could not think clearly enough to consider using a safe word, i could not even think clearly enough to remove the gag.  All i could think of at that point in time, was holding on to what inner strength i had so my panic would not overwhelm me.  i was literally holding on by the skin of my teeth.

While it is the Dominants responsibility to monitor the submissive's state of well being they are not mind readers, mental stress is not as easy to guage as physical stress until it is too late.  Communication beforehand is a must.  Without knowing any emotional triggers they can inadvertantly trigger them.  The submissive has to take responsibility for this as well.  It is a cop out to put all the responsibility on them.

While i have a safe word, i have never actually used it, despite their being times i should have.  The blame for that lies solely on my shoulders and no one elses.

just my thoughts on this... the mind can be a deep dark place after all.


< Message edited by sweetwenchie -- 1/22/2008 10:16:19 AM >

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Unable to use your safeword? - 1/22/2008 10:34:56 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

I have never needed to safeword and been unable to. Which isn't to say that it won't ever happen, it just hasn't yet. That's why we don't rely on the safeword alone - he makes his own decisions about preceding or not that do not hinge on me saying or having not said any particular word.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to sweetwenchie)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Unable to use your safeword? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125