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hisannabelle -> RE: The Golden Rule (1/22/2008 10:01:54 PM)
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greetings jakk,
in our case, he is the one who is more well-off - i am putting myself through school and also have tons of medical bills, so usually he ends up paying for things (although i am very tetchy about him giving me money and such). it's not really an issue for us, though - he has control over my finances, although for the most part he lets me handle it because i've been doing it for longer than we've been together. in the future he will probably be exercising his control more, but for right now this works for us.
in your case, it depends on the relationship, i think. if you are supposed to have control over the finances, it wouldn't matter (at least for us) who made the money. if i was still doing freelance webdesign full time i'd probably be much more well off. it doesn't matter - he'd still control whatever he wants to control of that, and being that he is very minimalist, and i am trying to be, that means that just because i make it doesn't mean i get to spend frivolously. in our case, if i became defiant, it would be a matter of his way or the highway - he has the final say, and that is it. if i don't want to abide by that, then i am no longer his slave. that's how it works.
then again, if she did not expect that to be under your control and it wasn't discussed, of course finances should stay separate. plenty of couples work it that way and it works for them. if it becomes a source of pride (in a negative sense) or defiance for her, though, and affects her submission, then that creates other issues.
i think the biggest thing is getting over the idea that the person who has the money is the one in charge. my master and i both are not attached to money or to living a rich lifestyle - as long as we have what we need, we are happy, and it's not a big issue to us who is providing the money. since he has more money now and i need the help, he helps me out when he can by paying for stuff related to things he's required of me (he wanted me to get a perm and he is also partially responsible for my tattoo choices, so he's helped pay for those, he pays for expenses when we go out, for toys, that sort of thing). in 15 years, he will be living off of retirement and i may be making more money, so then maybe i will get to return some of the generosity he has shown me. for the most part, though, there is no concept of anyone owing anyone anything. i'm property, therefore my property is also his property. getting over social convention and ideas of "mine" and "yours" and "owing" has been a journey for me (in terms of being able to accept his help and also his control) and i think it is an interesting journey for anyone who faces these issues in their relationship.
but from reading your post, it seems that the issue here is more "how do you control something that doesn't want to be controlled." and that goes back to what i was saying earlier. it's fine to have difficulties with submission, but willful disobedience can only be chalked up to that to a point. in our case, he is not interested in forcing anyone to submit or taming anyone or doing any of that. i choose to submit to him. it seems that a discussion may be in order for you two on whether she wishes to make that choice fully, and if there are any issues you can help with that may be causing some of these problems.
respectfully,
annabelle.
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