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givingin -> Had it. (1/24/2008 8:23:07 AM)
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I couldn't tell you why I am posting this, other than I just need to get it out and not sure how the neighbors would feel about me standing in the middle of the street screaming at the top of my lungs.
Jan 3, my mom went in the hospital for a very low blood sugar incident (only happened to be here visiting, would have died if at home alone). That turned into them finding a spot on her lung, a collection of hematomas, blood transfusions, respiratory problems, horrible swelling, three different biopsies, and two trips to the ICU (one of which was the scariest time of my life). That was all over a two week period. Now she is still in the hospital, though in continuing care and getting rehab. She will be moving and coming to live with me, so there is packing and things to do with her apt. out of town. They still don't know about the lung, the surgeon is calling it cancer till proven otherwise. We are going for a PET scan when she is out of the hospital, then will meet about surgery or other steps we need to take after we get the results. This scares the crap out of me after all of the biopies she had, the last of which sent her to the ICU for the first time with respiratory issues.
I got notice yesterday that my grandma had to have surgery, she was still in the ICU, her kidneys were shutting down and there was fluid in the lungs. They said the next 38-48 hrs were critical. I got the call this morning that she passed away this at 3:30am.
I am now in the process to see if my mom will be well enough to get out and go with me, or if I travel alone.
We also found out last week that my husbands illness (though not fatal), is progressing faster than anticipated. He also had a blood test for a suspicious growth, thankfully it was fine (though further tests will check next week on that).
I have some strange lumps around my chest area. I cancelled that appt. for this week because I need to get everything settled with my mom's health first. I will then go and take care of them, though I don't think they are anything to be worried about.
I have to say I am just plain tired, exhausted, numb, and worn out. I have been on a mental coaster for a few weeks now. I don't know if I have tears left, I shed some this morning and am sure I will at the funeral.
I am so very grateful that my mom is better, that was the answer to a lot of prayers. I am grateful that my husbands test was negative, answered prayers again. In the midst of being so very grateful I am also very sad. I think the problem is I don't know how to feel. I have so very much to be happy about, yet so much to be torn up about at the same time. So many tests are back, but still so many unanswered. I also have lost my only surviving grandparent, and I loved her very much.
I think I want to scream, or cry, or laugh, maybe even fall apart. I know I can't do any of that, I have to get myself back together in order to drive, to pack, and take care of my mothers business that needs tended today and everyday until she is better.
Sorry for babbling, but thank you for letting me vent. Hopefully it will help.
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