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Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 1:46:11 PM

seekingtraining

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/2/2007
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Do Dominants wane in their desire for the lifestyle?

After a nasty experience with an emotionally abusive submissive, can a Master's dominance be so damaged that S/He loses the desire to continue in the Lifestyle?

The relationship I am in is just 6 months old....for me it is my first lifestyle relationship. My Sir has been in the lifestyle for close to 30 years....but His toy bag was in retirement for about 2 years following a bad experience with His last "submissive."   This woman hurt Him and His family with her manipulations and her sudden departure from their lives.

Sir takes some of the responsibliity for the bad experience, He is not playing victim, but He was so deeply hurt, that as our relationship has progressed (and I suspect as He has begun to feel more vulnerable) He is not sure He can do this anymore. He has told me that He may never be able to collar me, because of the negative connotations attached to the collar from that previous experience.   And...He told me He does not think our relationship is fair to me because I seem to be giving up a great deal more than He to even be in it. And...today....He has told me He just is not sure what His feelings are about being my Master, about continuing on as a Dominant in the lifestyle.

He is a natural. He has nurtured my submissive nature and taught me much about myself...and about the lifestyle.   We have been building a relationship as He has been building me up as His submissive. To hear and to see His pain and His doubt is very difficult for me. We are very honest with each other, and my fear is that this honesty will result in His decision to let me go. [Yes, even though I am not collared, I did relinquish my right to end the relationship, so, in effect, He would be releasing me. He is my Master; in my head and heart I am collared to Him even without the spoken promises and peice of leather around my neck.]

His pain is my pain. What can I do to help Him?

Post #: 1

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 1:52:50 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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seeking,

I promise an answer when I see a profile!

CP

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 2

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 1:59:52 PM

DominaRapport

Posts: 34
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline

A) He needs space.
B) He may not want to be in the role of Dominant as a lifestyle.

Have you discussed what it would mean to your relationship if he was simply himself, and you two put aside all obligations of power exchange and kink? He might feel you would sooner be let go than stay with him if he was no longer interested in living the lifestyle you are both currently engaged in. Ultimately it's his choice, he has to sort himself out. You can be there for him through it, either as a friend, or as a partner, which ever he choses to let you be in his life.

_____________________________

Actions speak louder than words. Don't tell me about your sincerity, show me.

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 3

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:04:09 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

My Owner went through something similar after a few bad experiences much like your Master's. He told me that hewas giving it up and no longer had a desire to dominate anymore unti i came along Then those good feelings came back.

You mentioned that you loved him and thgat you were worried that he would release you. Does he share the same feelings of love that you do? i'm asking you this, because if my Owner decided to give up D/s completely we would still be together in a loving relationship.

You might want to examine the relationhip as it is, and find out what type you have and if you are getting what you deserve out of it. Then when you do, i would talk to him and find out where you stand with him. Inside and outside the D/s thing.

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 4

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:04:35 PM

seekingtraining

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/2/2007
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My profile does not really have anything to do with this question. The profile was placed on "vacation" 6 months ago when this relationship started...there was no need for it (mostly because the messages I continued to receive were from those who did not respect my post that I was in a relationship.)

If there is additional information You believe You need to address my question, please simply ask for what You need. It's doubtful that it's in my profile anyway.

respectfully
~k

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 5

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:05:07 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

Focus on the reality the relationships transcend lifestyle. Before he is Master, he is first a man. In a relationship, it is not the Master for whom you care, but the man.

Be with the man. Grow with the man. The kink will sort itself out in its own time.

_____________________________

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 6

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:07:08 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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You can stop being needy and let him come around in his own way,and in his own time.

Which do you love more-him, or the dynamic?

Pick one.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 7

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:12:46 PM

seekingtraining

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline

Domina and taken,

Thank you for your posts. And....I will add answer these questions as this thread progresses to hopefully help You all help me.

Sir wants to continue a friendship. He loves me, He was the first to state His love for me...it took me a while to reciprocate. He is married, so the physical intimacy in our relationship would end with the power exchange and the kink. Yes, He does need His space....He is so uncertain....has even suggested a "hiatus" of sorts. He has stated that if He ends the D/s aspect of our relationship, He would like to know that He would still be my "go-to" guy....continue to be my emergency contact person, take care of my dog when I am out of town...everything...but maybe not be able to be the shoulder to cry on if things aren't working out with another man....He said He'd probably have to kill someone. ;)

For me...this relationship is very important...more than important...and that is part of what makes Him question whether or not He still wants that type of responsiblity. He loves me, He does not know if He can continue to be responsible for me. We have not discussed if we could continue the SM aspect of the relationship....and actually, I was only guessing when I said that all of the physical (sexual) intimacy would end....but...I suspect it would...He would want me to be in another relationship and He simply cannot share.

To be honest, He really is not sure what He wants...He is confused and frustrated...and trying to do what is right.

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 8

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:18:09 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Give him...time.

Just *be* for him...

I have went thru periods as well, even at one point of tossing every toy out I had....

He is not the first nor will he be the last...

He will come around <smiles a li`l>

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 9

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:21:34 PM

seekingtraining

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/2/2007
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Leatherist -

I love HIM much more than the dynamic. However, being His submissive has become part of my identity, and it will be difficult to let go of that part of me....that part of me simply cannot exist outside of this context. I will always support Him and love Him... it pains me to see Him losing an aspect of Himself, an aspect of His identity because of one woman's manipluations. I believe He is cautious, even fearful...that as He and I become more attached as Dominant and submissive He feels more vulnerable.... and that this is the root of His doubts.

So....yes....You are correct... I am trying very, very hard to set aside my need for Him. As His submissive there is a need for His dominance over me. I am trying to let this be about Him..... and that is why I am here, asking other Dominants to help me see from His point of view. Thank you.

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 10

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:23:26 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
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i hate to have to say this, but he's trying to let you down easy. He's married and if he has any decency in him at all he must care for her. It sounds like guilt and it sounds like his wife is getting suspicious and close to finding him out if she hasn't already.

Listen to his words. Hear what he is really saying and not what you want to hear. There is a pot for every lid and there are many single men out there who can give you what you deserve.

It's going to hurt, but he has already let you go. i know you don't believe that but he has. Walk away now while you are still whole and leave it on a good note. He's married and my guess for a very long time. He's not leaving her, so where does that leave you? a part time play thing. That doesn't sound like what you want. i don't think

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 11

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:28:01 PM

seekingtraining

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Joined: 1/2/2007
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oh my, I am so sorry taken...

His wife knows all about me... we are friends...our friendship is also important to all three of us...and...well...Her response to Him about all of this was to ask Him "are you STUpid?" She loves Him and has come to understand this side of Him, and has appreciated my role in His life.

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 12

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:33:00 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
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i am happy about that, but sweetie, there is not one of us who hasn't heard or given the i want to be friends, it's me not you, i need to get my head together first speech and i'll always be there for you speech.
i hope i'm wrong.

Would it be so bad if you left and were free to find someone who is able to give you his whole heart, time and attention?

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 13

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 2:42:35 PM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

i think you should wait for some answers fromt the Doms here, (this is Ask a Master after all)
and more talking with yours and his wife

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 14

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 3:08:33 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

He's just not that into you.

True dominance/submissiveness does not go away. It is integral to the person, in my opinion.

(in reply to domahpet)

Post #: 15

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 3:11:35 PM

seekingtraining

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/2/2007
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this will be my last post on this subject...and then I will just sit back and read the comments....because....thunderscry and Leatherist....you are right.

I just got off the phone with Sir. His biggest concern is that things moved too fast with us....that my attachment to Him is not the healthy sort... and He needs space, He needs time, He needs to see how I comport myself with distance between us in order to decide if He continues the relationship as is, or in an abbreviated/slowed manner, or releases me entirely. He seems more concerned about what is right, and if we've progressed too quickly.... not concerned about whether or not He wishes to continue to be a Dom. I read too much into what He was saying because I heard it as Him not being sure He wants to be active in the lifestyle anymore. I misunderstood what the real issue is here. It's my attachment to Him....and His need to determine if it's a problem, or if it is not.

~k

(in reply to domahpet)

Post #: 16

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 3:38:46 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingtraining

His biggest concern is that things moved too fast with us....that my attachment to Him is not the healthy sort...

It makes sense, because when you said this it sent up a red flag:

quote:

However, being His submissive has become part of my identity,

He may see it as "being his submissive IS my identity."

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 17

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 3:52:35 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Lots of married guys don't like their side .... (flings) to become too attached.

Time to move on, hun...

Really.

~Christina

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 18

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 3:52:39 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

He is saying you have become too much "in love" with him, in a way that is not healthy for you, as he cares and respects you, but he cannot reciprocate that love, he only wanted to be your mentor not your lover, now because the line has been crossed, he feels that to continue would only serve as an injustice to you and would cause him to feel guilty allowing it to continue when he does not love you..... It is time to go seperate ways

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

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Post #: 19

RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate - 1/25/2008 6:27:29 PM

devotedsylph

Posts: 56
Joined: 8/8/2007
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Deleted my original post because I should have read the entire thread before responding.

You can't make someone want to be with you. If he wants to release you, then that's his right, and it's your duty to obey. It sucks, and it's hard, but he knows better than anyone what he can and cannot handle.

< Message edited by devotedsylph -- 1/25/2008 6:30:16 PM >

(in reply to seekingtraining)

Post #: 20

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