RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (Full Version)

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littlebitxxx -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/25/2008 6:53:08 PM)

There was this whole other thread about bringing baggage forward from relationship to relationship.  If I remember correctly, the majority thought it was an unhealthy and very unfair thing to do.  To be blunt about it...Dear Sir:  suck it up, get over it, get on with life.  Or move on.
My opinion and shekels only.



sunkstar -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/25/2008 7:58:42 PM)

well, I think many ppl quit the lifestyle bcos of the bad experiences. Its fairly common.

After I broke up with my first Dom, I lose interests to find another dom, Im still on this site, I still check my emails, I may even attend the munch or parties, but I know my heart is not there...

its pretty much your dom's own business, you can show him your care and love, but really there isnt much you can do. I wish you all the best...



Leatherist -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/25/2008 8:36:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingtraining

Leatherist -

I love HIM much more than the dynamic.  However, being His submissive has become part of my identity, and it will be difficult to let go of that part of me....that part of me simply cannot exist outside of this context.  I will always support Him and love Him... it pains me to see Him losing an aspect of Himself, an aspect of His identity because of one woman's manipluations.  I believe He is cautious, even fearful...that as He and I become more attached as Dominant and submissive He feels more vulnerable.... and that this is the root of His doubts.

So....yes....You are correct... I am trying very, very hard to set aside my need for Him.  As His submissive there is a need for His dominance over me.  I am trying to let this be about Him..... and that is why I am here, asking other Dominants to help me see from His point of view.  Thank you.


Healing takes time, just show him you will be there for him, no matter what.  I'm sure he will recover.



SailingBum -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/26/2008 3:04:54 AM)

My situation was similar to the OP in this respect.  I was married and had a girl we were in love.  She wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.  At the time I had no plans on leaving my wife <we are know divorced>  Rather than lead her on  I explained to her that it was in her best interest that I part so she could find someone she could spend the rest of her life with.  I still love her and talk to her from time to time.  She did find that somebody.

It appears to me that he is gently saying the same to you.

BadOne



BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/26/2008 6:07:20 PM)

it sounds like you really are seeking a Dominant who you can committ to for 24/7.. obviously you can't do that with a married Dom unless the wife is his submissive/Switch and they are both looking for a 3rd.

it sounds like he genuinely cares for you and wants to be a friend. friends are good, friends help you in life. really, though this will be painful, at least you have learned that you are capable of forming this kind of attachment to a Dom, and you have learned a lot about what kind of man/Dom you can respect and care for. this is highly helpful informaiton in your journey as a submissive.

take this an an overall positive experience, and next time look for a Dom who is open to a long term relationship with you, if things develop positively between you.



antipode -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/27/2008 7:40:19 AM)

Same here, no profile, no conversation.



Justme696 -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/27/2008 8:24:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

My situation was similar to the OP in this respect.  I was married and had a girl we were in love.  She wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.  At the time I had no plans on leaving my wife <we are know divorced>  Rather than lead her on  I explained to her that it was in her best interest that I part so she could find someone she could spend the rest of her life with.  I still love her and talk to her from time to time.  She did find that somebody.

It appears to me that he is gently saying the same to you.

BadOne


Yes it looked to me like that also. Not easy, but in the end the best for both of them. And it might soemtimes resque the friendship..instead of loosing all in the end.
Only with honesty you can reach such.



Leatherist -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/27/2008 5:43:25 PM)

I quit doing D/s because of bad experiences with it.

The needy controlling crap stopped being fun. When I came to realize that two people ended up attached to an end of a leash- it felt smothering. So I understand how it feels- I do kink for fun-but control beyond a scene?

No.



BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/27/2008 5:57:35 PM)

I just love it when I hear that a dom needs time  or needs space, after all the dom is the one  thats driving this train.Its his fault for letting this proceed so fast or why did he get involved again at all if this was his feeling about the ls,as always just this ol' master's opinion on this matter...bounty



Leatherist -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/27/2008 6:20:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BOUNTYHUNTER

I just love it when I hear that a dom needs time  or needs space, after all the dom is the one  thats driving this train.Its his fault for letting this proceed so fast or why did he get involved again at all if this was his feeling about the ls,as always just this ol' master's opinion on this matter...bounty


Or they can just decide they don't like being an engineer. There's always that choice after a train wreck.



ExtremeOwnerIL -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/28/2008 6:11:21 AM)

- Fast Reply -

Although the original issue from the OP has been addressed, I think that the effect that a bad relationship can have on an Owner is a valid one - and one that sometimes is brushed under the rug.

I have been through ups and downs myself where a bad relationship has left me challenging and questioning myself. It's part of growth and life. I've been honest enough with myself to give myself space and time, but sometimes landmines do appear. My goal for the 'down time' was to give myself the space to heal and hopefully that healing will help me get past the landmines. What helps is to communicate what's going on and be clear about it.Not always an easy thing to do, but then, Owners make a lot of mistakes and have to learn from them.

Regards.



denver01 -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/28/2008 6:25:34 AM)

okay I have never posted on this message board before but this one has got me. Now lets all stop and think even in a vanillia lifestyle we go thru the term oil and bringbaggage in to new relationships. It is up to use to determin if we want that to hinder the new one or not.Yes I took my time off to grieve for a dead relationship and refleck back to what went wrong. but then i realised for any bd/sm or even vinallia to work both has to be on same page. there is a time to grow up stand up and admit o well learn and live. Know from my ways i will be first to admit when the words come out i need time it equals am tired of one or this is not going to work as thought it would. When one says that best thing to do is exit stage left for if i reember the Master/dom has the right to end it even with out a reason



collaredncontent -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/28/2008 10:03:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

Focus on the reality the relationships transcend lifestyle.  Before he is Master, he is first a man.  In a relationship, it is not the Master for whom you care, but the man.

Be with the man.  Grow with the man.  The kink will sort itself out in its own time.



I completely agree, and can I take the moment to do something I have been putting off for being a little shy? celticlord2112, I've seen you around and I must say that every post I've read has been something insightful and well put.

More on topic: Jack and I started out as a Vanilla couple with very limited or no experience with BDSM. We both expressed an interest in the lifestyle and proceeded to get more information and set up our roles. If he told me he wasn't really into it and no longer felt like he could be a Master we would go back to being a Vanilla couple. In fact we both slipped out of our roles for a few months but both came back to it recently and wanted to renew our bond.

Perhaps you could let him know that you'll be there for him. Are you dependent on being a slave/submissive? If he asked to drop that aspect for a while would you still want to be with him? If so, make that clear to him, maybe it will relieve his feeligns of inadequacy with you. I know if I didn't feel cut out to be a pet I would feel stressed and pressured to stay in my role to please another or feel like I am letting them down.

Best of luck to you.
Brian.



Jeffff -> RE: Master's loss of desire to dominate (1/28/2008 11:10:31 AM)

He is married, apparently not poly, and you are falling in  love with him?. In his shoes, I would be concerned too. Without knowing him I can't be sure but I suspect he is kindly trying to, let you down easy.

Jeff



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