How to handle this? (Full Version)

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StrictlyGoddess -> How to handle this? (1/25/2008 2:58:24 PM)

Hello,

I am a mistress that has been active in this lifestyle for only a few years. (Still learning as I grow) For the first time I developed a relationship between a sub of mine. Everything was fine until feelings became involved and we took it to an intimate level. As a female, when you see a problem in a vanilla  relationship, you have an idea of how to handle it, as a spouse and mistress it seems I am completely lost and confused, so I help someone can give me some insight as I'm so torn over this  and don't know where to turn.

My sub was very new, I was actually his first mistress. He went from no experience to over the top serving me in anyway possible, wanting to explore everything and wanting to get into total slavery for me. Everything was going wonderful, we started to plan a future together and I have an attachment to him that I've never had to anyone before. I always wondered since he was new with discovering his submissive side if he would face any denial stages but for almost a years period of time, to my surprise, he didn't.

Now that things were on the verge of getting more serious he has pulled away from me, telling me he's not sure of his feelings. He is still in touch with me and claims he still wants to see me but i am noticing he shy's away from any domme/sub talk  Being that this is a new type of relationship for me as well, I can not understand if this is a personal problem he is facing between us or if this has something to do with his feelings of submission. (recently he has experienced some major stress issues in his personal life)  I wish there was a place online to read more on submissive men and what sort of issues can come up in a relationship like this, but I haven't found any and I'm so lost on what to do from here. If there are any experienced mistresses or couples on here that can give me some insight I'd be so greatful. Feel free to email if you'd like. Any advice would be great.






StrictlyGoddess -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 3:13:36 PM)

Also, there is more to this story but for privacy reasons I really can't get into it on here wich sucks cause it would probably be helpful.



MistressVnus -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 3:14:07 PM)

Without knowing  more specifically about the two of you, this will be difficult.
The only clue I have to go on here is that you state he is undergoing a lot of stress in other areas of his life.
This can really take away from one's BDSM mindset and it may be a time when he needs you to be more of a shoulder to lean on versus "serving you" right now.

Maybe make him (or take him out) a nice dinner and let him know thata you are sensing his detachment, are aware he is going through a lot of stress, and that you'd like him to share with his Mistress what he might need from "her" right now.  Above and beyond the BDSM.
Also let him know that you are willing to talk about anything he might need to talk to you about and that you are there for him.
If he gives any indication of just not being able to "get his head there" right now, perhaps offer a break from your usual roles and just "be" vanilla for a time.  Sometimes just a regular human touch is needed.  A hug, a kiss, a word of understanding.

Again, without knowing the two of you or the exact situation, suggestions are tough.  But, as in all relationships, communication, validation, and understanding are the key to resolving any issue in any relationship.

I have gone through similar things and it's usually something they are going through and not really communicating about.
I wish you the best with this, sounds workable and like you two have a lot going for you.



AAkasha -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 3:14:46 PM)


If you can get him to talk about his feelings, that's going to be the only way to get to the core of it.  You said he's a new submissive and this is his first relationship.  This is probably just the first of many "emotional hiccups" that will happen - suddenly, things kind of derail for some time (days, weeks? Months?) and it's because quite often our "kinky" sides, no matter how much they are woven into our very soul it seems, are impacted by what is going on in our lives.  When emotions and factors start affecting our "urges" and drives, it makes us question - am I really kinky?  Is this what I want?  Am I over this now?  Is this something I can live 24/7?  Sometimes it can go deeper for some, like, "Am I healthy?  Is this really the right kind of relationship? Is she going to lose respect for me? How can I keep my identity?"

These are difficult things to process and digest, and he may not have answers or information for what we women think are simple questions like, "Just tell me how you feel about things. What are you thinking? What are you feeling?"  And then as a femdom, we feel frustrated at the lack of clarity so we can set tone and direction - it's a very unstable place to feel emotionally and we fight with the question sometimes "So, am I supposed to assert my dominance to set this relationship back on track, or just let him flutter around -- is he hoping, wanting, needing direction right now - or is he needing space, love and affection?"

The lines between love, affection and dominance get all fuzzy.  The only advice I can give you is to realize that as emotional beings, sometimes feelings can confuse us -- and submissives are no different.   Communication (non pressured, and knowing he might not have answers or might not be able to verbalize his feelings) is the only way to get to the other side sanely. 

Not sure if any of this made sense..but the long and short of it is -- been there, know you how you feel -- just try to get to the core of the issue as two people who care for one another, and let the roles sort themselves out when the emotions have been handled.

Akasha



darchChylde -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 3:17:10 PM)

Establish a "no consequences" conversation and ask him what he thinks the problem is, he may not be sure himself.  Ask him what he thinks may help, again he might not be sure.  Then, if you think he's worth the pain; be ready to give him some time and space to figure it out for himself, and be there for him in whatever way he needs until he comes back to you or moves on.  But you have to establish that he can be honest about what he thinks and what he feels (in the proper environment) without any consequences.

You may lose him over this, or you may find your relationship stronger than ever.  I hope it all works out well for the both of you.

edited to add:  I feel you also need to be prepared to honestly express what you think and how you feel about the situation.



StrictlyGoddess -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 3:22:34 PM)

Thank you everyone for your help, I hate to be a pain but may I email one of you? There is something else that is going on that I think is vital to our situation but I can't discuss it here.



MistressVnus -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 3:25:36 PM)

You can email me anytime!!  No need to ask.



unforegvn -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 3:34:07 PM)

He may be experiencing some denial.  Tell him you want to see a meeting of the minds so to speak.  Make sure you are ready to handle whatever arises and hold nothing against him.  Honesty is the best policy. 

I wish you luck but if he is already shying away there is a reason and whatever it is your relationship may not recover.  You will have to accept this fact and move on (after a brief crying session, a pint of your favorite ice cream, a bottle of really good wine and a HOT bubble bath)!!!!!

We have all been with somene new things are going 'well' then boom one or the other backs away without known cause. I call it Karma...



planomaid -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 5:13:30 PM)

The previous posters are correct in that it would help to have more information, and that communcation is going to be key to solving your conundrum.  When you say 'things are on the verge of getting more serious', are you referring to an engagement of some sorts (with marriage being the goal), or are you referring to a more more serious life-style relationship where you are wanting to collar him?

As a submissive male, he may simply be confused because of the mixed signals he gets from society and himself.  Men are generally taught (and expected) to be strong and dominant, and definitely not submissive.  We get it through our daily interactions, through books, images in magazines and movies, virtually everywhere you look you see it.  He also may simply be scared of going forward, as he may be scared of committing himself to something more permanent. 

Talking to him may help, or perhaps you should ask him to write down his thoughts and feelings.  He may not be comfortable enough to tell them to you in person.  Or is there someone else that you both know and trust that he could talk to about what is bothering him?  In any event communication and sharing between the two of you is a must in order to know what the issue is and to find a way to get past it.



AtlantaMistress -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 5:45:39 PM)

All of the advice given has been very good, and you are welcome to email me, if you think that will help...but I have something a bit different to add. One thing I have learned the hard way over the years with relationships was that I WAS THE ONLY PERSON I COULD MAKE HAPPY OR CONTROL. Even in D/s - you have no control over a sub until he gives it to you. What you need to do, is to figure out what it is you want. THEN talk to him, and explain how you have been feeling, and tell him what YOU want. I am not saying that you can't have an open discussion about what may be going on with him, but don't be afraid that if you don't compromise the things you want, you will lose him. If you find in your self exploration you want a relationship with a submissive man, that is going to find pleasure in making you happy, then settling for anything less is just a waste of time in the long run to not get what you really want. I have been down that path (and again, perhaps not knowing all the details I can offer more detailed advice) but I have walked away, and although it may have been hard to do at the time, I look back now with NO REGRETS. How would I ever find what I really wanted if I was too busy occupied with someone that wasn't giving me just that? I am fortunate now that I have really realized my worth, have gained a tremendous amount of confidence, and have found happiness in my own life, so although I like someone to compliment me, I don't need anyone to complete me. When I let someone into that part of my life (and I recently have) he realizes how lucky he is to have the opportunity to serve me [;)]



StrictlyGoddess -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 5:57:39 PM)

Again, thank you all so much, you all offered such wonderful advice and helped me calm down a bit. You all seem like such wonderful people, I'm glad I came here for help.  I'm giving him space now and myself some much needed space as well to reflect and regroup myself. :)



petpete -> RE: How to handle this? (1/25/2008 6:14:58 PM)

Truth is that the relationship between a Mistress and a sub is very confusing indeed. A year ago when i first signed up on this site my feelings where very different to how i think now... My original feelings where that as a submissive man i could have a would look for a Mistress to serve (get my rocks off) manly speaking, and life would go on as business as usual. Generally thinking in fantasy land.. As i went on and met my first (exMistress) i suddenly realized that feelings come into this relationship which i generally discounted... Never expected to have the same feelings as in vanilla relationships.. The most worrying part of it all is that in vanilla relationships i was never effected as much as i am in the BDSM world and at this late stage of my life is even more distressing.. i guess relationships all very from different people with different personalities and people who find it easier to give away there feelings and hearts. The fact is he did expect something else from You and now his having the fact to deal with the element of {Love} that he receives from You. i honestly believe this is possable for any relationship to happen as it bonds especially in a monogamous relationship where there is only the two of You together. It shouldn't be something to worry about as love should be the ultimate goal. i would suggest You try and find a way to exsert Your authority again. Mean while some sort of a break would help with him dealing withwhat'ss going on.. This is only purely my humble belieff as a submissive male. i truly wish this gets worked out between Y/you guys as it would be ashamed to lose such a wonderful bonding happening. Cheers
Just for the record : (my relationship didn't work out cause of distance and health issues purely, but W/we are still best of friends)
.



MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: How to handle this? (1/26/2008 5:30:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictlyGoddess

.....Everything was fine until feelings became involved and we took it to an intimate level. ........

......Everything was going wonderful, we started to plan a future together and I have an attachment to him that I've never had to anyone before. .......

Now that things were on the verge of getting more serious he has pulled away from me, telling me he's not sure of his feelings.

He is still in touch with me and claims he still wants to see me but i am noticing he shy's away from any domme/sub talk 


Only you two can work out what's going on by talking about the situation in a calm way. 

D/s relationships can be incredibly intense and burn bright, but burn out fast.  They can be too much, too fast, especially between two people who are both first-timers

However some issues that occur to me (not knowing either of you in real life):

1    You are 29 years old and been in a good relationship for a year now. This is the perfect age to fall madly in love with a great guy, marry/commit and have beautiful babies. 

2    It is very reasonable to expect this man to decide whether to commit ("get more serious" as you say).  Why should a Mistress accept less in life than her vanilla sisters?

3    Any man - submissive or not - might pull away at this point. 

4    He might be afraid of commitment.  See http://au.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/131_dating_advice.html (esp page 2) for some rather ugly examples why

5    He might believe a Mistress is sexy fun, but not the kind of girl you would marry, much less want as the mother of your children

6    You two might have a great D/s relationship, but he is unsure you have enough to last long term.  Are you a great couple in and out of the dungeon?  Do his family and friends love you?  Have you met them?  Do you have lots in common besides BDSM?  Are you best friends too?

7    He might be sick of D/s protocols.  It was hot at first, but all that Mistress/slave role playing feels stupid now.  He might want a loving partner who is a strong, confident woman without all the artificial play acting. 

8    Can you let D/s drop for a while to, say,  playing in the dungeon for a set time once a week and be a "normal" girlfriend the rest of the week?  Or is your BDSM persona ("Mistress") your whole life? Can the submissive just be himself or does he always have to talk and act like a butler/slave/pet/other fantasy figure?

9    He might be considering getting serious about you, but he wants some distance first to to see if he really misses you

10    He could be testing you.  If he withdraws, do you run after him?  Is that a very confident, dominant thing to do?  Do you fall into emotional despair? Go beserk?  Or do you go out with friends in the BDSM scene and have fun without him?  Are you a  happy person with - or without - this man?

11    He might want to leave the relationship, but isn't letting you go until he gets a new Mistress.  Which can take quite a long time.  Many submissive men keep using a Mistress long after they stop loving her, because any Mistress is better than no Mistress.  But they get moody, secretive and display passive aggressive resentment

12    Like you said, he might just be stressed at the moment and its nothing to do with you. 

Please don't compromise your own values. 

If he does not want to get more serious - but wants to keep you at his beck and call - please bite the bullet and find a new partner who loves you enough to "get serious" about you. 

You are a real woman with real needs for the closeness, security and love of a good submissive, not a cartoon Mistress from a porn movie.



thetammyjo -> RE: How to handle this? (1/26/2008 7:09:00 AM)

Stress can cause a lot of problems in any relationship. It happens to us all the time -- part of the reasons we have family therapy once a month so we can get some help being objective about things in our lives.

However with Ds and BDSM often mundane stresses cast a light onto the fun stuff and contrast it with the non-fun necessary stuff. If you plan a future together that non-fun stuff will have to be dealt with, probably on a regular basis. He wouldn't be the first person to find that disconcerting.

I think you need to look at your feelings here first and foremost. If you want a primarily Ds dynamic, clearly this is not the time for that with him. If you want a relationship where Ds is part of it but not the only part then you may want to stick around and be his friend or lover or whatever is right for you and he.

But be honest in this reflection.

It can be just as easy for a person in the top/dom role to get caught up in the fantasy of Ds and to get caught up in the desire to be in a relationship as it is for a person in the bottom/sub role. Do you want to be in a Ds relationship with him because you have been or for a different reason.

None of this will be easy. It will be an emotional roller coaster for you too.



subrob1967 -> RE: How to handle this? (1/26/2008 7:24:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictlyGoddess

Hello,

I am a mistress that has been active in this lifestyle for only a few years. (Still learning as I grow) For the first time I developed a relationship between a sub of mine. Everything was fine until feelings became involved and we took it to an intimate level. As a female, when you see a problem in a vanilla  relationship, you have an idea of how to handle it, as a spouse and mistress it seems I am completely lost and confused, so I help someone can give me some insight as I'm so torn over this  and don't know where to turn.

My sub was very new, I was actually his first mistress. He went from no experience to over the top serving me in anyway possible, wanting to explore everything and wanting to get into total slavery for me. Everything was going wonderful, we started to plan a future together and I have an attachment to him that I've never had to anyone before. I always wondered since he was new with discovering his submissive side if he would face any denial stages but for almost a years period of time, to my surprise, he didn't.

Now that things were on the verge of getting more serious he has pulled away from me, telling me he's not sure of his feelings. He is still in touch with me and claims he still wants to see me but i am noticing he shy's away from any domme/sub talk  Being that this is a new type of relationship for me as well, I can not understand if this is a personal problem he is facing between us or if this has something to do with his feelings of submission. (recently he has experienced some major stress issues in his personal life)  I wish there was a place online to read more on submissive men and what sort of issues can come up in a relationship like this, but I haven't found any and I'm so lost on what to do from here. If there are any experienced mistresses or couples on here that can give me some insight I'd be so greatful. Feel free to email if you'd like. Any advice would be great.


I highlighted a couple of points in your post that may have a bearing on your issue.

I take it the sub is not your spouse? Are you willing to leave your spouse for your sub?  He went from zero experience, to over the top submission, with what appears to be no in between relationship growth, how often do you see each other?

It appears to me that the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over, and not knowing the complete story, I could only offer an opinion that his conflicted feelings stem from personal stress, and the fact you already have an alpha male (your spouse) to compete with for your attention, & affection.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: How to handle this? (1/26/2008 10:33:03 AM)

I'm not a Domme but I might offer a possible insight? Burnout, or confusion about lifestyle. Planning on the rest of your life with someone in a certain lifestyle is akin to marriage, especially when you're the one giving up the control and authority. Bit of cold feet should not be surprising. Time, space, talk if he's willing, is the only way to really remedy and get to the bottom of the issue.



needDomme -> RE: How to handle this? (1/26/2008 11:22:46 PM)

I agree with you 100%. As much as we subs can never let go of our nature, years of conditioning and circumstances make us wonder from time to to time. Im 62, and have been a hard wired sub from birth. I have occassionally wondered if the urge was gone or would ever leave me. I now know it will never happen.

need



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