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RE: Abandonment play - 1/28/2010 6:05:50 AM

DesFIP

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messed up

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/28/2010 6:07:03 AM >

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RE: Abandonment play - 1/28/2010 4:47:13 PM

littlewonder

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Depends on what you mean by abandonment play...being thrown in a cage or a closet, being bound and left alone..I kinda like those things because they give me time to think or "not think" and som time to reflect or just to relax.

If you mean being told you can no longer have contact with that person or that person disappearing on you for days or weeks at a time...yeah, that would spell the end of a relationship for me.

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RE: Abandonment play - 1/29/2010 12:17:56 PM

LatteAddict

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Abandonment Play?

Sorry for being dumb, but is this where you drive to strange town at least a few hundred miles away, handcuff whoever naked to lamp-post, leave them with no mobile phone, money, etc. and then clear off on holiday for at least two weeks?

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RE: Abandonment play - 1/29/2010 12:41:35 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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When I was Topping regularly, abandonment play was among the seldom sought out scenes, but for some it was a big thrill.

I think I'm getting old or something. These days I don't have interest or energy in all the mind games and psychological 'stuff'. Probably why I'm not looking any more. Good sex, peaceful companionship and someone to make the final decisions on things seems to be about all I'm interested in these days. Too vanilla for M/s, to kinky for vanilla.

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RE: Abandonment play - 2/1/2010 5:02:56 PM

littlegirlangel

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Oh no, if we did something like that it would cause a train wreck of emotions and probably end up with a lot of turmoil and confusion and just bad ick stuff.

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RE: Abandonment play - 2/1/2010 7:03:42 PM

Nslavu

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It would depend for me what sort of issues were at stake. Most think emotional pain is the worst; but if going through it, actually frees you of those issues and what they represent in terms of your everyday subconscious responses, then you have surely created something beautiful in the release. Emotions are how we apply meaning to things and if you're someone who has abandonment difficulty then resolving that emotional barrier can be just as if not more rewarding than how much physical pain one can take. Freeing up emotional blockage is awesome.

That said, I agree with what people are saying about totally abandoning anyone. Not good. Trust is built in the D monitoring and returning as promised and perhaps working through the issue as needed. Properly used and sort of 'play' can be have positive outcome.

There are other more spiritual reasons in consideration as well, that do have to do with energetic blockage, which are just as, if not more beneficial in their resolution.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesui

I'm interested to learn more about this time of play - examples of how it works, scenarios and whether it can be a destructive or a positive experience. How it fits with the building of trust?

katie x

quote:

As time went on and 1) he continued this process and 2) he always came back, I stopped being the "victim" of my emotional insecurities regarding this process. Each and every time, he did what he said he'd do. I mean EACH and every time. And what seemed like the worst thing in the world slowly became something that just made me angry. This gave way, over time to being frustrated, and eventually, it all just became time. I had learned to KNOW (not just hope, but KNOW) that he'd always be back and that nothing would change from the moment he left till the moment he returned.

< Message edited by Nslavu -- 2/1/2010 7:04:54 PM >

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RE: Abandonment play - 2/2/2010 6:00:33 AM

petmonkey

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.

< Message edited by petmonkey -- 2/2/2010 6:23:37 AM >

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RE: Abandonment play - 2/2/2010 10:51:14 AM

BratAli19

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quote:

As time went on and 1) he continued this process and 2) he always came back, I stopped being the "victim" of my emotional insecurities regarding this process. Each and every time, he did what he said he'd do. I mean EACH and every time. And what seemed like the worst thing in the world slowly became something that just made me angry. This gave way, over time to being frustrated, and eventually, it all just became time. I had learned to KNOW (not just hope, but KNOW) that he'd always be back and that nothing would change from the moment he left till the moment he returned

now see, my x husband DID abandon me, and i do mean abandoned, we came for vacation and he left me there and our infant child, ith the clothes on our back and that was it. it only caused me to have a fear of abandonment in the emotional sese, because, a year and some odd weeks later, i know i can get out of a physical abandonment situation and deal with that.
not that this was what hte thread as about, just sayin, unless youve faced your abandonment fear and know it ownt cause issues, i would advise against it

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RE: Abandonment play - 2/3/2010 1:56:10 AM

aldompdx

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Temporary abandonment is perfect for the true masochist.

Contrary to what others have posted, there are some healthy and healing forms of temporary abandonment, when done properly. There are many traditions which symbolize a new level of maturity, inner strength, or self awareness with a short journey alone. Consider the Native American right of passage called a vision quest.

It all boils down to whether one wants a partner who is weak, insecure, small, invalid, codependent -- or strong, whole in spirit, at peace, sharing their heart from free choice and self will.

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RE: Abandonment play - 2/3/2010 10:53:55 PM

jujubeeMB

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In my opinion, abandonment "play" is just straight up abuse.

I know it feels good, because I felt it my entire childhood. As someone who was actually abandoned by a an emotionally distant, abusive father, I think I have a pretty good grasp of the concept, and am slightly annoyed with people equating "being afraid of abandonment as a child" with actually being abandoned (sorry, miniature angry rant). Trust me, I understand why it can be a very attractive thing: when an "emotional masochist" is around and paying attention to you, it's like the sun is turned on directly over your heart. When s/he leaves you, or withdraws his/her affection, it's the lack of the sun that makes you squirm with a completely unfulfilled need. The repetition makes it so that you desperately long for the sunny moments, and start to learn how to endure the cold moments. You never feel entirely safe, and you cling so hard to his/her warmth (when it comes) that you singe yourself with the heat.

What's so great about having this done to you is that for the rest of your life (or until you learn how to heal), you have a warped sense of pleasure and love - you begin to view commitment from others as weakness and requited love as positively dull. You seek out relationships with those who won't hold you, or who enjoy watching you squirm without caring if you're fulfilled, emotionally or otherwise.

Is there a way for an emotionally abusive - sorry, I mean masochistic - Dom to engage in this kind of activity as a way to heal someone who was abandoned as a child? In my opinion, no. The problem is that if you keep up the abandonment, it just becomes a cruel endurance test. Sure, you can get "better at handling" abandonment. You can get better at handling any kind of psychological torture, once you've resigned yourself to it.

There is a way for an emotionally masochistic Dom who wants to slowly become less masochistic over time to heal someone with abandonment issues. The Dom would have to be very, very careful, and essentially reel someone in and slowly start giving them longer and longer doses of affection and attention. Over time, that could develop into genuine love, without any withholding, and the person with abandonment issues would finally have a little psychological closure. Call me a cynic, but I don't believe that emotionally withholding people who really enjoy their power are generally prone to engaging in such thoughtful, healing activities.

Does all this make it wrong to engage in abandonment play? No. Frankly, I understand it - it feels so unbelievably amazing when the torture portion is over. It's just that it reminds me of smoking: go ahead and do it and enjoy it, but don't pretend it's good for you.

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