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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/27/2008 10:58:11 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well, I have to say on the surface it seems puzzling- since it sounds like he didn't address any of the trust issues involved and is just shaming you and scaring you into obeying without having and real security. This entire punishment is pretty extreme in itself and would cause immense stress to any solid relationship- how secure you are guys really together? Will you feel more connected after this?

Ditto

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 9:21:41 AM

collaredncontent

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I cannot even fathom Jack doing this to me. We've had issues with trust in the past when our relationship was Vanilla and I'm a bit on the paranoid side anyway. I grew up in a family where you didn't ever talk about your problems, you hid them and acted fine and then stabbed each other in the back passive agressively. Forgot to do as mom told you? Oh well she wont bring it up, she'll just shun you without reason for a week. She once told my father and sister to not talk to me for a day because I had made a sarcastic comment to her the WEEK before. So I have issues with trust and fears of abandonment that are MY responsibility to work through. That doesn't mean I don't seek help but I take into account that, yes, this happened in my childhood but it does not excuse me from acting like a brat when I feel threatened. I'm working on it. Sometimes little things that Jack does make me think there's a trust issue between us when really there isn't and I have to work on bringing it to his attention in a way that's not offensive. I.e. not go "YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME" when I see him talking to someone else. Thankfully I don't feel THAT threatened, but if I did see him getting friendly with someone I might bring it up just to get confirmation that I have nothing to worry about. But he would never just abandon me for having an issue of trust and if he did I think it would mar our relationship.

I'd suggest letting him know how damaging this was to you. If his goal was to just hurt you for having an issue with trust then you might want to consider either settling this between yourselves that it's not okay to damage you or find a way out of the relationship. That's just me. Personally I am a fan of conflict resolution instead of just splitting up. It is my personal feeling that a Master should foster a close bond with his pet/slave/submissive and that he/she should be encouraging personal growth, not doing something that would further your distrust. I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

Best wishes.
Brian.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 9:31:11 AM

AMaster

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Let the punishment fit the crime.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 12:42:19 PM

DesFIP

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I'm not sure how telling you he won't accept you as his sub anymore will teach you to trust him. After pushing you away emotionally, you are less likely going to trust him and not more.

Personally I would state that outright to him, and that I would have to consider whether or not I could ever come to trust him in the future. For me of course, since I don't have any patience with people who think that putting a capital letter on their screen name entitles them to skip earning trust and respect, I'd just tell him it would be a cold day in hell before he saw me crawling to him. But then, The Man knew from the beginning that relationships are relationships and that he had to earn my trust as much as I had to earn his. It isn't, despite what your 'dom' thinks, a one way street.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 4:45:31 PM

Evility

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wisenlilminx
You'll just have to wait it out.

Yep. You did the crime now do the time and don't let it happen again.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 5:28:08 PM

Onmyknees4YouSir

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i need to clarify something about my punishment! The main reason i was punished was because of my trust issue, i threw a tantrum and told my Master we were through!! i did it because i was so upset and then of course didnt want to really lose Him. That is why He is so upset with me and that is the main reason for my punishment.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 5:35:59 PM

BBWnNC72

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i think that a punishment like that would create distrust, i know it would for me. all relationships need good communication. i have been punished for what i have done but never for what i have said or expressed.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 6:17:38 PM

Bound2One

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Onmyknees4YouSir

i need to clarify something about my punishment! The main reason i was punished was because of my trust issue, i threw a tantrum and told my Master we were through!! i did it because i was so upset and then of course didnt want to really lose Him. That is why He is so upset with me and that is the main reason for my punishment.

That makes the situation a bit more clear, however, I do wonder whether you have or will discuss the main trusts issue - what made you distrust your Master in the first place? Was it pure jealousy? Was it your insecurity? Was it something he did that made you uncomfortable? I can see him wanting you to earn your way back by showing you what you did by throwing a tantrum, but you still need to get to the root of the issue, you know?

Hugs to you ... I know this is upsetting for you.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 6:28:54 PM

Divina

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What are we actually doing here? We do not know the specifics of the situation, and yet we pass judgement on some very broad lines...in that vein, I will venture a reply...

The themes of course are two: trust and punishment. But where do the issues lie?
In said situation, a breach of trust was caused not only by the dominant, in that he did something to arouse distrust and further enhanced it, but also by the submissive, in that she almost annulled the relationship by telling him they "were through". If by his punishment and general handling of the situation she is justified to feel distrustful, then is he not justified to feel the same by her lack of faith?

And then comes punishment. I actually see his "punishment" as a demand for renewal of trust and surrender on her part, as an affort to make her realise what she wants.

Picture this: If you were doing something and someone else told you that you are not doing it right, then what would you do? I for one would step back and told them to have a go themselves. And if they can do it, then it's fine, they don't need me, but if they can't, they may shut up and let me do it. Of course, I *must* be able to pull it off myself, and there lies the foundation of trust. I must prove them I can do it, so as to create a precedent of trust. Until then, it takes a little faith before it can actually become trust.

So, to my mind, he is telling her exactly that. Will she let him lead? Will she believe in him? Does she accept to let go of control? If he f***s up, then it's another story, and she may well go. But she will have to have a little faith in him, anyway, before he has a chance to prove what he is made of.

Cool off, dear. He is telling you something. Don't freak out, just listen.

An aside on the theme of punishment: Who is actually punishing who, if for something someone does, which I don't like, I deny him my company? It sounds like the dominant punishing the submissive for an infraction, yes, but doesn't the submissive who walks punish the dominant on exactly the same terms? I mean, punishment is a two way street, accessible to each and every one of us, regardless of which end of a whip we find ourselves. And instead of working things out and learning and growing as a result, a surprising number of submissives, by way of certain behaviour, actually punish the dominants for punishing them. Think about it.

< Message edited by Divina -- 1/28/2008 6:31:49 PM >

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/28/2008 9:27:23 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Exactly Bound- is there any work being done on why there was a tantrum in the first place? Simply scaring and shaming you will not work in the long term. I understand you recognize your behavior was wrong, I understand you recognize a weakness.

How does this punishment actually help either of those? How do his actions help show how he will bring you both CLOSER together in the long term? What are you both doing to ensure that not only does this not repeat itself, but that you are both happier and more secure because of it?

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/29/2008 4:04:54 AM

beltainefaerie

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I have the same questions as LA and Bound2One. Certainly punishment for a tantrum makes sense, but what about the actual issue. Are you two doing anything to work through that?

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/29/2008 9:53:39 AM

gorgeous1

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A couple of weeks ago, I got scared during a session. Master wrapped my head in bondage tape (vet wrap) and it is not breathable. My nose was exposed, so there were no problems with not being able to breathe. My wrists were bound to the headboard, so I couldn't get to my face. He plugged my nose and I IMMEDIATELY freaked out and yelled and started thrashing. He stopped right away, but asked me, "Don't you trust me?" I nodded my head yes, but he didn't cover my nose again. I just had a moment where I got scared, and it's the first time in 11 years that's ever happened to me. I was perfectly fine to continue playing, so after we were done, we discussed why I had been afraid. I explained to him that for some reason, having my arms bound plus the non-breathable material, plus not being able to communicate with my eyes frightened me. It brought back a memory of something that happened to me in PE class back in high school. I had a guy friend who was maybe 6 feet tall. We were swimming and goofing around, and he dunked me under the water and straddled my head. We were in about 4 feet of water. I flipped out and my adrenaline kicked in, and I somehow managed to get my feet under me and lunged up, launching him up out of the water several feet and flying right into the cement edge of the pool, breaking his arm.

When I compared the two situations, I realized I do not like to have control of my breathing suddenly taken away from me with no warning. Sometimes Master will put his hand over my nose and mouth, but I have warning, and can take a deep breath, and he always removes his hand in plenty of time, so it's not scary to me. This particular time, I had no warning.

So, anyhow, to relate this to your situation, you say that the reason that you freaked out was for what you now see as silly. Your master seems to have hurt feelings- he feels that he would never put you in a situation that is truly dangerous. Our Masters/doms want to know we trust them- it's a key cornerstone of a good D/s relationship.

I would suggest that your punishment be to write an essay on trust. Share a few times that you have truly experienced fear because you were really in danger. Describe how you felt and try to analyze why you were afraid. Next, pick apart the situation you were in when you became afraid by what your Master was doing, and describe what you were feeling and why, and then why you had nothing to be afraid of. In your essay, you offer to submit again to whatever it was that made you afraid, and tell him you want to do it to prove that you trust him. THEN, fold you essay up and put it in your teeth and crawl on your hands and knees to him and offer up your essay. A good Master will melt at your heartfelt confessions!

Good luck!

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/29/2008 11:07:58 AM

DesFIP

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He still hasn't addressed the trust issue in the first place. He already knew, one presumes, that you're afraid of abandonment and therefore will end things first to prevent it. So now he's abandoning you emotionally, showing you you were right not to trust him.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/29/2008 12:53:48 PM

meticulousgirl

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it wont last forever but, to be honest it's better than being forced to spend a week alone with no communication, another week getting screemed at and then hearing that you are no longer collared and have to earn that and the servitude back, then to be with Him the next time and be made to sleep on the floor that night with everything that had happened it took me to a place mentally i never want to re-live. It was absolutely unbearable, and that next morning after telling Him that i just couldn't take anymore, and for the first time in 5 years I was ready to walk, He realized i couldn't handle it, and ended that punnishment. it's the worst punnishment i've ever received from Him or my previous Dominants but i know one thing for sure, i never want to be in that situation again facing that same punnishment or anything similar. i gave up my limits a long time ago but, i never expected anything to be as bad as those two and a half weeks were.

you'll get through it somehow and know that you do have support here if you need it.

~meticulous~

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/29/2008 2:00:31 PM

BratAli19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Onmyknees4YouSir

i need to clarify something about my punishment! The main reason i was punished was because of my trust issue, i threw a tantrum and told my Master we were through!! i did it because i was so upset and then of course didnt want to really lose Him. That is why He is so upset with me and that is the main reason for my punishment.

quote:

okay, well see if you told him you were through, hes only giving you a chance to see what its like being through and not being his slave. i dont think you have any reason to be complaining. he could have broken it off completely.

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RE: an overwhelming punishment!! Help! - 1/29/2008 2:33:03 PM

Vampyrefledgling

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Trust issues and disobediance are two different things! I must agree with those who are unsettled. It seems this punishment is a bit harsh, trust is something that is earned, built, not something that a Dom automatically receives as a result of his (or her) dominance; it's not that simple. My Master is more displeased with my attitude than with an issue of trust. If I become disrespectful in my distrust, that it what I am punished for. You should be able to tell your master openly that you have trust issues without worrying about him withdrawing his affection. D/s relationships are based on trust, and that takes time. I don't know, something about this situation doesn't sit right with me. Think on whether or not you want the constant threat of him leaving to be your motivation for serving. Seems a bit like emotional blackmail, he knows you wish to please and will not deal with anything but perfection. You'll drive yourself mad trying to be perfect; all you can be is you.

~Fledgling

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