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LadyJeelys -> RE: Rant by a prodomme... (2/3/2008 6:57:16 PM)
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ORIGINAL: MsSimone
For those who don't understand why a professional dominatrix might be an option for some let me try to clarify.
I don't think anyone believes that proDommes aren't an option for some...the problem is, that too often proDommes like to pretend they are the option for all. Yeah, its all well and good while it works.....but let's be honest, ya'll aren't around after it doesn't work to help deal with the consequences-after all the buck has at that point stopped. In reality, there are pros and cons for a sub going to a proDomme. Yet, for some odd reason, when anyone points out the cons, somehow they are biased against proDommes. Which, I suspect, at least partially lead to this rant.
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I have been in my chosen profession now for 15 years. I enjoy what I do greatly and am blessed to have many wonderful clients. Was this my path when younger? No. Did I finish college and decide I wanted to become a dominatrix? No. But my path lead me to a career I would not trade for the world and let me tell you all why:
1. I get to use my skills to enhance the lives of those who see me. Repression of desire is a healthy thing, but only to a point. Beyond that point, it can cause many illnesses, both mental and physical.
The fact that SOME forms of repression can in SOME cases lead to either physical or mental illnesses does not mean that you are somehow enhancing the mental and physical health of your subs. Which, if we're going to enter the realm of psychobabble, I have to ask....why do you need to make such a leap to justify your actions?
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To deny yourself the expression of these desires is to deny your soul.
I disagree. Many times we deny the expression of our desires because we acknowledge and honour our souls. We simply cannot and SHOULD NOT act on every desire we have. That ability to deny our desires for either the greater good or our own good is part of what, at the best of times, makes us human. Of course, the opposite is true: when we cater to our own desires instead of our own good or the greater good we are more like soulless beasts.......as the gallon of moose tracks ice cream I just devoured and extra inch on my waist demonstrate.
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Unfortunately many can not come out into the light and seek open play partners. One of the main differences between a lifestyle and a professional is the discretion policy. Like lawyers, doctors and psychiatrists, my code of ethics prevents me from divulging my client information.
Well, now see there's the kicker....lawyers, doctors and psychiatrists are legally bound by codes of ethics. Those ethics cover everything from levels of education (which based on your link of your services to positive mental health and physical health, I'm guess you have attained), professional licensure (I'm not familiar with the proDomme version of the bar or the AMA or APA's examination) and it includes levels of personal ethics---things like paying taxes for services rendered. Now, given that on at least one of those levels of ethics you proudly admit you choose not abide, I'm left wondering which other of those nitpicky ethics standards you'd ignore. I mean, I have your word that you'd be discreet.....but then it is also your word on the Income Tax form on how much you make. Why would I believe that you'd tell me truth and not the IRS, when frankly, the IRS can send you to jail, and I can't?
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Lifestyle players, no matter how much they claim to be discrete always run the risk of exposure, especially if an emotional attachment develops. With a professional, the client can be assured the scene will remain in a contained context.
Given the number of credit cards numbers that end up exposed to the public, we have to admit that anything and everything we do is ultimately open to exposure. And while this is probably just a silly non professional point of view, it seems to me, that if I'm doing something I would be ashamed for others to know about, I probably shouldn't do it. By that I mean, that if the consequences of discovery are so drastic, then I would seriously need to consider whether doing the actively is truly "sane"--whether the reward is worth the risk.
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2. Seeing someone open up to me in a safe environment and shedding old issues, guilts and problems. Having them develop with my guidance into a healthier human being.
Yeah, ah, hmmmmm. Well, how benevolent. Helping all those poor unhealthy subbies must be such a burden. But, shussssh, don't tell anyone and I'll let you in on a secret. There is NOTHING unhealthy about being sub. Just because someone is sub does not mean they need you to make them a healthier human being. Yeah, it’s a great fantasy that somehow we Ladies are the benevolent guiding force, but that's a fantasy. If you and I can't look in the mirror and see the flaws in ourselves and see where we are unhealthy before we assume our sub(s) are unhealthy, then we have a major problem and should put up the whips before we hurt someone. And, again, here is a non professional view: my pets are often just as healthy if not healthier than I. In fact, I learn from them everyday. But then, my pets are treasures that I would never seek to replace or lose.
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3. Assisting those who have no where else to turn for this type of expression.
Again, this is where I have such a problem with proDommes who oversell their services. There is NO ONE out there that can ONLY turn to a pro. There are LOTS of Ladies out there seeking subs, who don't charge, who are open to just about any kind of relationship you can think of--full time, part time, one time, flex time. There are Ladies who will Domme from love, from friendship, from compassion (and, yes, I know a lot of proDommes have those same motives) or to just get all hot and bothered or fly in Domme space.....and not charge a cent.
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Within a lifestyle setting certain laws apply, mainly those of attraction and life goals.
Wow, now where is it you live again? Cause I gotta say, I haven't see a place in the world with such laws---which statute is that again? I personally choose to have long term relationships, given my faith as a Christian. However, that is choice not law. I could have subs that I am not attracted to---in fact that would be the ideal fantasy situation for subs who want to be "ignored". As far as life goals--my collared slave's life is in a completely different direction than mine....yet we've been friends for almost 8 years now.
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None of these come into play when seeing a professional. I don't care how old (as long as 18+), how attractive, how skinny, how employed, single or married my clients are. My goal is to assist them with becoming comfortable with their own kinks, not to marry them. There is no fear of living up to what is expected of you by society; just of living up to your own kinks and those of the person helping you facilitate them.
Again, I have to wonder what you see when you look in the mirror. You can only "help" certain subs---the kind of sub that quite frankly isn't a full slave. Why do I say that? Because of your own words---you don't care about aspects of that person. Just as an example, you include whether the sub is married or not in your list of "I don't cares". How can you care about the sub, and not care about the relationships that sub has with another? If the spouse would be hurt but the sub's actions and yours, and you don't care--or more you "guide" the sub not to care.......then is that real healthy? Is it truly healthy not to care about the people we make lifetime commitments to? Well, pfft, Ok, this is my Christian thing showing again, but darn it all, if someone can't be honest and true and faithful with the one person they stand up before a whole bunch of folks and quite often God Himself and make a promise too.....well, pffft, again, if they'll lie to God and their family, they'll lie to me in a heartbeat. Though perhaps they covered that in proDomme training somehow. Is the "don't care" thing your technique for dealing with that?
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4. The variety of personalities. I love those who come see me.
Again, your own words make that statement untrue. If you don't care about the person's place in life, you can't love them. While love covers a multitude of sins and faults, it still cares. Love, as someone far wiser than I wrote, looks to the interests of others and if you aren't looking to the interests of those the sub loves, then you can't love the sub. Oh, well, perhaps we just have very different understandings of love.
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Each day is different for me with new people, new modes of expression and new ideas. Nothing is the same. Each time I spank or flog someone, the scenario and energy involved is completely unique.
Each time we spank or flog someone it is different and new--either we've just met the sub or been married to them for decades. And, new isn't always better.
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For some, the time with their domina is the only intimate time and connection they get with another human bring. Why would you want to deny this to someone just because you do not understand the profession?
Again, this may be because I didn't go through the proDomme training that you did, but in my non professional school of ethics this is a red flag. My slave was shy, and he's still reserved, but he is not allowed to have me as his only intimate time and connection. Human beings are social creatures, we are created for community. If a sub only has a Domme for that social interaction then the Domme has overlooked an area where she should have acted. Especially if she things she's guiding folks to healthiness. Try encouraging your subs to develop friendships and nurture family relationships if you really want them to be healthy.
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5. My ability to help those who, otherwise, would have no outlet. Think outside your boxed opinion of us as hookers, skanks, and money hungry bitches and try to see the need for us. Many of my clients are in some way physically challenged. Lifestyle play for them is not an option as they are not able to maneuver the environment.
Again, I have to wonder what you see when you look in the mirror. Are you legs extra long to cross really high thresholds? Do you leap lifts and ramps in a single bound? Cause from where I set, there is no environment that you can move in, that I can't. Just like you, I can get in a car and drive to a sub's house, or nursing home or hospital. The only difference is I don't get a paycheck for making the trip. And there is nothing inherent in you being pro that makes them more able to maneuver an environment for you, than for me. Both of us accommodate the needs of our subs; just don't tell the slaves, it kind of disappoints the fantasy when they learn that Dommes give too ;)
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I see many who can not leave their homes due to a handicap.
Should we compare client lists? Ooops, wait I don't have one, because my friends aren't clients. You don't have to get paid in order to visit people who can't leave their homes....you don't even have to be paid to visit people who can't leave their homes with whip-as long as they asked for you to come with that whip. I think you could be arrested without the invitation whether you get paid or not.
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They have self confidence issues and are afraid to take the steps or unable to take the steps to gain a lifestyle partner. With a domme, they know they will not be rejected. They know professionalism will be present and their condition will not be laughed at or scorned.
Again, I think you misunderstand what it means to not be paid for BDSM activities. From my point of view, in order to get to the point of being my slave, the sub has to know I will not "reject" them. As I tell my slave all the time, he's stuck with me, so he might as well get over it. But either way, in the steps that lead up to becoming a Lady's slave, either it is paid or unpaid, the sub faces rejection (as does the Lady). Just having cash in hand, presumably, does not make the sub your client. You could reject the sub, whether because the sub doesn't have enough money, you do not have enough time or you do not provide the service the sub seeks. Now, as far as "their condition will not be laughed at or scorned", I am rather naive, but I'm not that naive. Even here on collarme.com, proDommes (and amateur Dommes) have mocked certain desires. Infantilism seems to be a source of scorn for some---and getting a paycheck or not does not seem to be the factor in mockery. More, though again cause of that whole Christian thing I'm rather "innocent" in certain areas, I did watch a house cat show about professionals once---where they mocked a guy who was their client. Though, I'm not really sure what their job was exactly, they may have been sex trade workers and not BDSM workers.....so maybe the proDomme ethics board didn't have oversight in that situation. hmmmmmm.
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Beyond the obvious handicaps, many prefer a professional due to their self confidence and self esteem issues or the fear of discovery within their immediate world.
Again, with the weak sub thing.....why not just come out and say that some subs prefer professionals.....or that some what to try BDSM without a relationship commitment.....or some subs like to pay. Why is there a need to try and oversell proDomme---while undercutting lifestyle? And well, if the subbies you're meeting are so low in self confidence and self esteem then you're pulling from a very limited pool. Since I'm straight my "pool" is male....and the male subs I know are smart, articulate, educated, self confident, wonderful guys whose self esteem is healthy. There are fantastic guys out there who are sub. And I know some of these guys have used proDommes.
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A young man or woman just feeling these desires can come to a professional, verbalize them and not face the huge fear of rejection. Nor the fear of having the other person "tell on them".
Again, if this is selling point, they are being misled. ProDommes can and do reject folks, in fact, some make a point of saying the only accept clients who otherwise would be friends anyway. As far as "tell on them", well, actually it seems to me that's not quite a valid point. Now, partially because I'm relatively chaste (yeah, the whole Christian thing again), I am pretty up front about Ds. I've talked about my interests in church and my family knows I want to spank men (though my mom thinks that if anyone deserves to be tied up and spanked it should be me---Moms!). Now anyone who is with me is going to get a few stares, if for no other reason than my "Obey me, you'll be happier" t-shirt, but let's say that wasn't true. Let's say, I was with guys in fear of discovery, it would mean that I'd be the kind of person who was in fear of being discovered too. Unlike with you, if I ratted on someone, it would mean ratting on me too. You, as a professional, are already known in your profession. Hanging the placard on the door means that you don't have a reason to conceal, other than your code of ethics.....with gets back to the not paying taxes for services rendered thing. Ssoooooooooooo, I'm not convinced that a sub would be that protected by going pro versus unpaid.
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6. Maintaining a healthy family unit. Now before you all go off on me, think about it. Many I see are involved with their primary family units (married, committed, kids, divorce, parents). Their fetishes are consuming and mind numbing, distracting them from the focus of need.
Ah, yeah. Umm, where exactly are you posting your advertisements, cause maybe the local mental health facility isn't the place to put them.
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They come see me for a short period of time, every so often. This allows self expression and is a relief of the pressure valve in their head. It helps keep them centered and saner. It provides them with a safe, non sexual expression of their kink, which may be shameful or impossible to express to their loved ones.
Ok, this is again, where we fundamentally disagree. There is nothing shameful about "kink", and I don't see why we should help perpetuate that perception. Yes, sometimes we have to control our desires, just as we control lots of our desires. I desire a few million dollars, having to pay bills means I think about that desire a lot, but I don't rob a bank. Instead I control my desire, and channel it into a positive area and go to work. So as far as I'm concerned Ladies should be helping their subs see BDSM as normal, and frankly not really very kinky, and help to channel those desires in positive directions. Pffft, I don't see why a slave who is married to another woman should pay me to come clean my house----he should go clean hers....or pay me to spank his bottom when he could just hand her the brush the next time he ticks her off.
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We all have hidden desires and needs that we prefer not to tell our loved ones about.
That's a blanket statement that doesn't quite fit those of us without filters.
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Seeing a professional allows them not to break their marriage vows, not cheat on their loved ones and not be shamed to their family.
Again, we disagree. I am guessing you would see it as staying within marriage vows as long as part a isn't inserted in part b. For me, that is a very loose understanding of most marriage vows. And reflects our differing answers to married subs' needs. It’s not my place to judge--frankly, I can't live up to my own standards half the time, so I can't spare time measuring someone else when I need to be working towards mine. But with the guys (and ladies) I've dealt with who are struggling not to break vows or hurt a loved one, I recommend a different approach. I can't say my way I recommend works more than yours, or vice versa---each sub has to make that decision for themselves. But they shouldn't be mislead about the hurt and deception that going to a Domme (paid or unpaid) without their partner's knowledge could cause.
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Let’s return to "non-sexual". Regardless of what you may hear from those who bash us, a true, non professional dominatrix does not engage in sexual interaction with her clients. By this I mean such activities as oral service, anal rimming, forced bi, cuckolding and masturbation. These are things I do not do. I do not need to. The two biggest sexual organs we have as humans are our brain and skin.
Again, your own words undermine your argument. Don't you use your brain and skin when you're with a sub? I know I can't shut my brain off, but maybe you can. And since you just defined the brain and skin as sexual organs if those organs are being used when you're with your subs, its not "non sexual". Just the thought of NOT being able to touch his Lady can be very sexually stimulating to a sub---even if its not reflect it erection in males and lubrication in females. BDSM activities may be non sexual for some, but for some the same actions are completely sexual---are you saying this is an issue where you would "reject" a potential sub? If so, it seems like a sub for which it is sexual may well face that dreaded rejection that you previously assured us would never occur. So which is the true reflection of reality?
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My biggest challenge as a domina is access to the mind and allow its deepest desires to become modes of self growth, not self chastisement.
Yeah, well, for me, it’s about a relationship with a guy or guys I absolutely adore and want to share with. Oh, and it really turns me on and I enjoy it, my guys enjoy it and we enjoy each other.
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Many prodommes see couples to help them understand these desires and fetishes in each other. As a form of couple’s therapy, I would like to know how anyone can misconstrue that as skanky.
Couples therapy is rendered by licensed professionals, who've undergone extensive education and testing, using methods that have undergone clinical testing. And even then, some methods have been shown to be more harmful than helpful. Where are the longitudinal studies that show the results of your techniques? Have you submitted your results for peer review and academic scrutiny? Have you ensured any type of self evaluation in order to test your own biases and preconceptions about the effectiveness of your methods? If so, I'd love to see the journal in which your work was published.
If not, then perhaps you could consider that your work is not the equivalent of a therapist, but rather of mentor. You know, like the other folks how there who mentor friends in BDSM......and who are quite capable of making mistakes and being wrong with the best intentions in the world. (Pffft, I'm no ones mentor, but wow can I screw up! Anyone needed lessons in doing the wrong thing at just the wrong time please apply----and I won't even charge!)
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Now let me stipulate this is just my own opinion. Yes there are degrees within this profession as is everything in life.
Wow, then I stand corrected. I seriously didn't know you could get a degree in proDomme. Is it from like the Open University or something?
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There are some who just put up an online profile demanding cash because they are the "princess, goddess, mistress, cute, young, severe, etc.” These women do our profession a great disservice by latching onto the prodomina title. They have not earned it, or truly understand what it is we do. Therefore, I can understand how the cyber world can frown on money dommes. But look beyond all the fluff and you will find many talented, intelligent, honorable prodommes who give back to the community in many ways.
I certainly agree.
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My final point will not be well received but I am going to state it anyway. Lifestyle dommes, you claim to not be professional. Yet many of you focus on the service a male sub can provide you, the things he can do for you because you are the Mistress after all.
Again, I don't know where you're meeting folks. Sure, in fantasy language, we all talk about what the slaves do------but in forums like this, most folks are slaves or subs. But in the real world, relationships are at least two-sided. Sure a slave husband may be doing his chores naked in a humbler, but we don't really talk about the Lady out taking hubby's shut in mother to the grocery store while he's at work, or running off to the part time job to help pay for that new flogger or out nailing shingles to the roof (or what ever those things are called). Why? Because that's not part of the fantasy and, frankly, its kind of boring because we ALL do those things. Instead we talk about the things we think are different and exciting. Now get just Ladies together and the conversation will be different. You'll hear more about the work that goes into being Domme and the work it takes as a Domme to make a Mistress/slave, Owner/pet etc relationship work.
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This can range from simple housework to full-blown gift purchasing. So, please do tell me who is more honest? Those of us who clearly state our motives and take the green stuff or those of you who bash us yet expect gifts, dinners and service?
Be careful with assumptions. You're assuming that we all expect gifts and dinners and "service"---none of which is always true. I, for instance, always pay, no matter how broke I am. Why? Because lots of men associate money with control. If they control the money, they think they have control, as far as I'm concerned it’s a cultural thing. Plus, I just really love how it throws a guy of his stride when I pay. I think it makes some feel a bit like prostitutes and that often brings a lovely blush :). As far as gifts, the only gifts I accept are the kinds of gifts that would be exchanged between any friends and more than friends. As far as service, well, it depends. No two subs are alike and no two relationships are the same. In a discipline only relationship service may not be an issue in any respect, with a pampered pet the animal would not service except animal ways, etc. Yet even with house slaves and service slaves there is give and take since it’s a relationship. In fact, in some cases just receiving the service is a form of giving.
So anyhow, I guess I'm one of the ones who doesn't always like proDomme....and it has nothing to do with prostitution or skankiness....well, other than it being skanky to mislead someone. Newbies often feel like they don't have choices---which the only way their needs and wants can be met is to go pro. But that's just not true. If they want pro, fine, eyes wide open and all that. But if they are being mislead into thinking that only a proDomme will accept them and not reject them, then yeah, that's skanky. ...and mean.....and cruel. And I believe that responsible proDommes are honest, above board and care about the folks that use their services. Responsible proDommes are aware that their services aren't for everyone--anymore than a marriage, or partnership or whatever you want to call it is for everyone.
Of course, then there are those of us, both professional and amateur who have confused our own hype for reality. And I just may well be part of that group :)
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Why not add up all you gain from the males who serve you and see the dollar amount attached?
Ah, yeah, see there’s the difference in our worldviews. I could never create such a total because while I could add up a DVD given for my birthday or card sent to make me smile, those are itty bitty compared to what I receive. And unlike payment for services rendered, they were not given to elicit an action in return.
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Please, allow us all our freedom of expression and life choices even if you don't agree with it. After all, is that not the best thing about our world? The diversity?
Um, well, no, not necessarily. Certainly it is one viewpoint, but it is only one viewpoint among many. And like your rant, it is a viewpoint that often sees itself as right in face of the wrong in other viewpoints.
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