Self imposed denial

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Self imposed denial - 1/27/2008 6:14:49 PM

petpete

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Joined: 7/6/2007
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For some people this may sound as weird as anything and to say the truth i never thought i would ever come across a situation like this in my whole life : A little while ago i come across a situation where i did have the chance to serve a beautiful and very understanding Lady. Due to the time that it was (Xmas) and being i guess more open handed then the norm (dummy me) She misread me as a (pay pig) a term which i strongly detest. i do like to treat the Mistress but according to my budget as i am not her alpha and i feel that is a task that should be undertaken by Her "Alpha" live in slave. i sensed some hardship due to misfortune and injury and i offered to help with Her Xmas tasks financially, so W/we did our Xmas shopping together as mutually agreed. However i felt that i was more actively involved and felt that i was "bying" into this relationship which made me extremely uncomfortable. The Lady offered to pay me back as soon as She was able to do so, but i would not accept it as i considered it as an act of help and goodwill more then anything. As much as i loved to serve Her (with all my limits) i feel that i cant anymore due to moral grounds of having to think that i bought my way into this so i asked for Her release from Her training program. What would you do if you where in my place??

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RE: Self imposed denial - 1/27/2008 7:43:30 PM

batshalom

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It's hard to get past what's in our own minds, but was she training you before you took her shopping? And if not, what does it matter? Do you continue to offer support? Has she indicated a fondness for you as her slave (emotionally or simply as someone she enjoys training)?

It may not be a good fit - you may be reducing her effectiveness as a Domme by removing her authority in this instance, or your gut instinct could well be correct. It is impossible for anyone here to tell you.

It doesn't seem the Christmas buying was an act of atruism, as your original post indicates - you express a degree of anger about it and thus it seems more of an emotional manipulation on your part. If it were entirely altruistic, you probably wouldn't be having this turmoil or asking for release.

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RE: Self imposed denial - 1/27/2008 8:15:55 PM

petpete

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Thank you bat for your response. The fact is that i am limited to as if i could fulfill Her obligations. W/we only just met. i understand that of what your saying and the truth is that She was more then nice to me, when i turned out to be a real prick. The fact is that W/we don't share the same interests which very much triggered my alarm bells. She is a Girl that plays "hard" so to speak and i'm just a softy so i just couldn't see the validity of this relationship.... But i was extremely attracted to Her, i just couldn't see a full filing role that i could play in Her life. (i don't like playing the second role either) We are friends and hope to remain so but i try to avoid Her at the time being cause of the temptation i feel towards Her. i am certain it isn't the right relationship for me and i am still trying to find "myself" in this part of the lifestyle. She did recognise this also that i cannot be Her "s" Thank you kindly for your effort to point me to some direction.

< Message edited by petpete -- 1/27/2008 8:21:57 PM >

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Max: And loving it!

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RE: Self imposed denial - 1/27/2008 8:34:25 PM

mbes

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If your intent was to help her out and spend time with someone who hoped to get to know better, you have no reason to feel better about it after the fact. You gave a gift to someone you like. Any relationship beyond that should be considered separately. If you like her and want to serve her, I don't see any reason why the initial action should be a deterrent to that.
Have you talked to her about any of this?

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RE: Self imposed denial - 1/27/2008 8:50:21 PM

petpete

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yes i have.. i have managed to make it worse. i did fill Her home with flowers for my behavior but it's all over now. W/we both finally had to accept that i am not that type of a "s". i guess its my fault for failling to communicate with Her about my limits. my anger got the most of me and i really couldn't believe myself i was so much aggressive towards Her. i did explain to Her that i was not a type of "s" that She thought i was. i guess She payed in both ways and i payed with my $$$ smiles... It was a very stressfull time for me trying to decide of what to do?? W/we both realized our mistakes. i got the feeling She never dealt with a sub of my type before.

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Max: And loving it!

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RE: Self imposed denial - 1/28/2008 7:48:21 AM

lockmeupplease

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pete--- I totally sympathize with your situation. I have been involved in more than one situation where intentions werent' made clear upfront or (perhaps I just wasn't listening??), ended up being generous with someone I really didn't know, and then when it didn't work out ended up resenting the effort and/or cash spent. I'm assuming that's part of what your anger is about.

I think moving on was absolutely the right decision, and you'll know for next time to make sure to ask prospective Dommes what their expectations are before you dive in head first.

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RE: Self imposed denial - 1/28/2008 10:16:52 PM

petpete

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Thank you for your reply lock. Its not entirely like that. i just let Her know that i was helping Her but not under the BDSM spirit so to speak. She is a genuine Lady and i understand why if She miss lead me a little or i may miss understood of why She did it and it was well worth the effort. i did get to feel some of the Xmas spirit in a different way that i never had all other Xmass's before. What gets me upset is that i am attracted to her and wanted to pass Her training program but i felt that i just cannot play the role that She is asking me to. i am not even sure what i want to be honest, but paying my way sort of in very much dampen my attitude. If W/we knew each other better perhaps this wouldn't 've come to this premature ending.Nevertheless i respect this Lady very much as much as i care for Her sibling which She is trying to bring almost on Her own. i just hope Her alpha can contribute more to Her. She is a very spirited and very controlling Lady despite the youth of Her age. Good luck to you my friend there are genuine people out there more then You think and you deserve and will come across what you so much desire and wish to provide your services to.

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Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

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