Question for other Domme's

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Question for other Domme's

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Question for other Domme's

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 8:17:01 AM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

I am looking for ideas on how to handle a situation with a submissive boy that is very strong willed and intelligent. Despite recent challenges that have arisen in the relationship, I am dedicated to seeing the relationship through because he is very special to me and embodies the qualities I've always sought in a slaveboy. He is testing me in some ways right now, and I know he views my being understanding of his circumstances as some kind of sign of weakness. Honestly, I'm almost at the stage of turning down right bitch domme on his ass, but I know that would not really help matters.

Any suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 8:55:30 AM

MsKatalina

Posts: 10
Joined: 8/23/2005
Status: offline

I won't make suggestions, but it's obvious to me that he is trying to top from the bottom. Also, he may feel that he wants more s&m and by acting up is trying to tell you without telling you. (especially his interpretation of your caring attitude as a weakness)

that happened to me with one of my domestic slaves. Even though subs claim they want to be in it for us, they always have their own agenda. everyone wants to get something out of it.

he may also want to be just a slave - and the type that is just objectified. it's confusing! good luck!

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 2

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 9:32:22 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

This is a really tough situation. Does this person test you in scenes, or in general? Is there a trigger area, where you can look back and see what you did (or didn't do!) that is making him act up?

It's natural that submissives have their own agenda. Much as we speak of submission and pleasing the dominant, what person of free will would stay in a relationship that wasn't meeting their own needs? Sometimes, those needs are unreasonable, or inappropriate, and that is what needs to be pointed out.

I would avoid going all bitch domme, because I suspect (based on my own experience) that he WANTS you to! Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into behaving in ways that you don't want to, just to shut him up.

I've never done it this way, but how about an interrogation scene? Pin his sorry ass down and MAKE him speak about what his problem is. Bring a friend! Fear is an amazingly useful tool sometimes. :)

Just a thought, since those "mature adult conversations" don't often lead anywhere.......... Good luck with your problem child!

(in reply to MsKatalina)

Post #: 3

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 9:51:35 AM

MsPurrmeow

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline

The "strong willed and intelligent" is a good thing. The idea that he is testing you or perceiving your choices as a weakness is not. If he thinks that you being understanding is weak, then this is a boy out for a relationship His Way, not yours. Have a talk about where the D/s is and what it means.

If it's a relationship of commitment... what did he commit to? Did he commit to obedience, respect, or just sticking around? Is it really about what he thinks? Is it affecting his service or your interaction with him?

"Turning downright bitch domme on his ass" seems like playing right into HIS way of D/s, not yours. We're all human and we all have foibles, It's his job to remain respectful regardless of his opinions. Keeping the control and running things your way will either show him that you are right, or will invite him to move on to try and find someone else to train to do it the way he likes it.

Purr

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 4

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 12:21:56 PM

QueenRah

Posts: 380
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyKim

He is testing me in some ways right now, and I know he views my being understanding of his circumstances as some kind of sign of weakness...
Any suggestions?

I had a boy who did the very same things, trying to see if he could outthink me or manipulate me. Very nearly at my wits' end, I sat him down one day and advised him that I really did care about him but his constant testing was wearing thin on me. I simply didn't have that kind of energy and I wasn't going to do the work of making his a slave's heart - that was his responsibility. And, as much as I cared for him, I simply couldn't put up with his offensive behaviour. He seemed to realize that *his* attitude and behaviour were putting our relationship in jeopardy. Many tears and apologies later, he straightened out very quickly from that and became a (nearly) exemplary boy.

We have since parted ways, but I like to think that I helped improve him for the next Lady.

:)

RAH

_____________________________

Life's too short to drink cheap booze!

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 5

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 12:26:44 PM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyKim

I am looking for ideas on how to handle a situation with a submissive boy that is very strong willed and intelligent. Despite recent challenges that have arisen in the relationship, I am dedicated to seeing the relationship through because he is very special to me and embodies the qualities I've always sought in a slaveboy. He is testing me in some ways right now, and I know he views my being understanding of his circumstances as some kind of sign of weakness. Honestly, I'm almost at the stage of turning down right bitch domme on his ass, but I know that would not really help matters.

Any suggestions?

If he is not being bratty too, I would love to have him

I like them to be just like that.

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 6

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 12:49:01 PM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

*Laughing* No he is not being any more of a 'brat' than I normally enjoy, and he is not in danger of being placed on the auction block any time soon. As I said in my post, he is very special to me and embodies everything I have looked for in a sub over the years.

His testing is not done when we are face to face, and he is an EXEMPLARY boy when we are together. His testing comes in other ways. He is a smart ass, but I love that about him. His testing is more throwing things out there to see how I will respond. It is like he is just dying for me to tighten the reigns on him, but wants to throw obstacles up to see if I'll move heaven or hell to get him to surrender. I know part of it is he has doubts and has a lot going on in his life. He is not sure if he SHOULD travel the road we are on, but will admit that our compatibility is something he has not found before. It's like he wants me to TAKE him, but he's afraid to be taken.

Does that make sense?

MzKim

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 7

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 1:00:10 PM

Zensee

Posts: 1564
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

I think this goes across gender barriers so if You don't mind I will add my 2c.

Don't be so sure that turning "bitch Domme" on him would be bad, just that You can't let it be a reaction he provokes. You need to go beyond the act and touch the cruel core. You have to give him that cold, reptillian look and mean it. You have to be willing to let him go, without regret - and he has to know that.

Right now he knows you are willing to bend to accomodate him. If you want to keep him it had better be on your terms. If he is sincerely a submissive or a slave and you roll over for him, he will lose respect and know you can't dominate him in the way he (says) he needs. So you will lose him anyway.

Next time he bangs his tin cup on the bars, open the cell door and tell him he is free to go. He will show his true colours.

_____________________________

"Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." (proverb)

(in reply to Kasia)

Post #: 8

Tough Love - 9/2/2005 1:30:20 PM

MsIce

Posts: 59
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline

We are such complex beings. I agree with what others have said, in particular Zensee. Perhaps it is that you need to make him spend time away from you. Two days, a week, no contact at all. Tough on everyone. But it would allow both of you time for contemplation. It would also show him who is in charge of the situation. You!. Sometimes when you have a really nice relationship with a submissive it is easy to fall into a vanilla type mindset with a D/s aspect.
With any relationship there is no right and wrong way to do things, just whatever works best for you both.

(in reply to Zensee)

Post #: 9

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 2:02:46 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

His testing is not done when we are face to face, and he is an EXEMPLARY boy when we are together. His testing comes in other ways. He is a smart ass, but I love that about him. His testing is more throwing things out there to see how I will respond. It is like he is just dying for me to tighten the reigns on him, but wants to throw obstacles up to see if I'll move heaven or hell to get him to surrender. I know part of it is he has doubts and has a lot going on in his life. He is not sure if he SHOULD travel the road we are on, but will admit that our compatibility is something he has not found before. It's like he wants me to TAKE him, but he's afraid to be taken.

This is rare that you will hear me relate D/s to parenting because I don't really view it like that. But I'm going to make one exception. I was listening to some friends of mine, who are by my standards excellent parents, talk about how they dealt with temper tantrums. They said the most important thing was to diffuse the situation, take the focus off what is creating the tantrum. They did so in a very calm way as to not add to the hype. When all else failed, they would often just hug their child. Now often times the child would scream and kick, but they just remained there hugging them gently. It was a great way to diffuse.

In general, this technique works well with people when they start acting up or acting out. I know when I worked in customer service when I was much younger, I used to have this technique by where the louder a customer would talk to me, the lower I would talk to them. I always ended up bringing them down to reasonable level.

All this is embodied in my tag line "An iron hand in a velvet glove". There is strength in calmness and gentleness. Much more then people realise.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 10

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/2/2005 2:11:20 PM

UtahGoddess

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline

Lady Kim,

I would limit my availability to him. The next time he wants to get together, be busy with another submissive. He is trying to bait you into a show of authority. Instead of giving him what he wants, give him nothing at all. When you do get together, end the date as soon as this behavior starts. Otherwise you are creating a precedent with him that if he acts up, you will scene with him.

This can be hard to do, especially with a boy you have become attached to. Be strong. Either he will come around or he won't. If he won't it's best you know him for what he is now.

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 11

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/3/2005 11:58:32 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

LadyKim, Your post spoke directly to Me since I recently went through a similar rebellion with My boy. After three years of a very satisfying relationship, he began to resist ALL the time. As with your situation, it never occurred when we were together, only in communication over the phone, etc. I tried several approaches; at first, discipline, which only made it worse. Then I tried to discover the root of his behavior, and learned his finances were causing him stress and that My demands were even more stressful. At that point in time I was given some very good advice: Try to help him rediscover his submissive self. It was so vague that I had to think about it for a long time to determine what course of action would accomplish that feat. I changed tactics entirely. When he asked to see Me for a session, I told him that I wasn't inclined since his needs had become the focus of our time together. He rebelled at that a bit at first, sort of ranting about everything he'd ever done to accommodate My wishes. I acknowledged his efforts, and said I would think about it, but that I still didn't think I would come away from a session or evening together with MY needs having been met. I explained that when the meeting was at a time of My choosing, and My convenience, I'd let him know. I stopped calling him or contacting him at all. I always accepted his calls with grace, and was very positive and solicitous and upbeat every time we spoke. Not long after, he begged to know what I needed that he was not providing for Me. I told him that I did not like having a rebellious, or 'short' sub to talk to or serve Me, and that I missed the 'sweet boy' he used to be. I continued to refuse to see him until he emailed Me and asked Me to please call him. When I did, I simply said that I would like to see him such and such date and time, that he was to be wearing this garb or that, be blindfolded at the door, and follow My every instruction. Our session that day simply consisted of keeping him at My feet, bound, hooded, without sexual contact whatsoever. I asked him questions about his job, his finances, and followed the threads of conversation wherever they led, drawing him out in peaceful quiet. Our next several sessions were similar: undemanding, no pain, no discomfort, focused on submission only. When he plaintively begged for sexual attention, I reiterated that I missed the sweet boy he had once been to Me, and that sex with such a resistant fellow did not interest Me. The boy's demeanor changed dramatically over the next several weeks. He became more and more the attentive and solicitous sub that I knew him to be in his heart. By placing NO demands upon him, other than meeting My need for quiet submission, I rekindled his submissive side. We are now gradually working back up to more difficult assignments, just as if I were training him from scratch. He is happy again, and willing, and eager, and is no longer resistant or sarcastic. It's been an interesting challenge! Good luck with yours! TexasMaam

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 12

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/4/2005 10:53:47 AM

MsPurrmeow

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyKim
It is like he is just dying for me to tighten the reigns on him, but wants to throw obstacles up to see if I'll move heaven or hell to get him to surrender.

Compliance can be coerced by you.

Surrender has to come from him.

Purr

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 13

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/7/2005 10:52:51 AM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

Thank you for all the advise on this topic. Since posting this question, I realized the problem with the situation is mostly me. I allowed myself to become too emotionally connected with him, and in a sense became 'submissive' to those emotions. He touched and climbed into my heart, and I revelled and relished in the feelings that washed over me when I think of him. Realizing this has been a large help for me. I've chosen to not rise to the bait, and I've ignored the flashing neon sign he left to bring it to my attention.
I've also decided to focus my attentions on other projects to allow me to put some barriers back into place where he is concerned. Something easier said than done, but needed.

Thanks again to everyone who weighed in on the topic.

(in reply to MsPurrmeow)

Post #: 14

RE: Question for other Domme's - 9/7/2005 11:41:12 PM

MistressGrace07

Posts: 100
Joined: 7/29/2005
From: Chicago
Status: offline

http://www.steel-door.com/Passive_Discipline.html

_____________________________

My Journal

"Let me make this as monosyllabic as possible" - Captain Amelia in "Treasure Planet"

(in reply to LadyKim)

Post #: 15

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Question for other Domme's

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094