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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 1:17:06 AM

lovingdomwanted

Posts: 95
Joined: 6/14/2007
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Im sorry for your loss......If it were me in your shoes, I'd be feeling rather used.

Take heart, everything happens for a reason, it might mean there is someone more suited/special out there for you

xx

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 1:48:50 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BikerDom4

HI, yes this may be a bit random and a bit unusual, but I d love to hear some opinions from subs and masters alike on this problem I have..

I recently met (online) a sub and after many chats and conversations both online and on the phone , she declared that she had fallen for me , feelings were mutual and I declared my feelings for her, I had totally fallen in love with her..... and we were heading for a real life situation...something we both wanted., however her previous master has got in touch with her after a 6 month abscence and want her back..... When he dissapeared he went without discussion after a big row with her and she felt she was free and wasnt really looking for a new master when suddenly she met me....however since his return she is totally confused as to her feelings and tells me that she can sense both of us with her and just simply cant cope with the intensity of feeling from both of us .... His control of her was total, he dominated every single thing she ever did, from going to the bathroom to going shopping.... she was in effect his total slave......and she wanted this from me also and I was prepared to do this ... I offered her Love , companionship and understanding in a warm loving relationship.....

She has now gone away to try and make a decision as to whom she should choose, me or him, she didnt want any contact with either of us... however she has since been texting me on the phone .....and suddenly she has now decided she doesnt want to choose either of us ......my problem is I really dont know how to handle the situation..... I am totally head over heels in love with her ..... and feel I cant just let her go....... any suggestions , Help advice, experiences of confused subs, is greatfully accepted....

Her former master is *real life* - and you haven't even met her???? Good luck with that "contest"!

I think you're perfectly set up for major disappointment because email compatability activates far more readily than the living flesh and bone variety. A lot (often too much) can change face to face....

And you need to be honest with yourself. It's all very well to say you'll micro-manage like your competitor did but is that who *you* are? That's a lot of "heavy lifting" if it doesn't come naturally to you....

I'd cut this one loose since you have no r/l "points" in your favour. And by getting in first, you demonstrate decisiveness, make her "decision" easier and actually create your own points by doing so and leaving the door open. Me, I don't "compete" - if she's not sure (especially if we haven't even met), then I'm not too interested in torturing myself.... I make the bulk of decisions in my relationships but the girl needs to be damned sure she's here for the right reasons!

Finally, a flagrant generalisation. NEVER underestimate the capacity of fem/subs to forgive - no matter what a former arsehole was like.

Focus.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 2:19:56 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
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It is evident that she still has strings attached to her past. The truth is that the D of a submissive will never be forgotten and the past will always come back. Relationships of this sort with emotional effect are more then just answers that W/we may provide. It depends on how much claw and how deep involved each other is. W/we could easily criticize the person but we really don't have a clear insight of her own feelings and how confused she could be feeling at this moment. Its really up to the individuals to set how far they are willing to go to meet each other's needs. But i would agree with GT's say and the old song from Sting. "If you love something set it free."

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 3:04:04 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petpete
But i would agree with GT's say and the old song from Sting. "If you love something set it free."

*pets his head*

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 24

RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 3:08:38 AM

LordMarkus

Posts: 21
Joined: 1/13/2006
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Hello to everyone.

Well I'm new in this phorums and I don't want to appear as the busybody guy, but I would like to give my point of view.

Lets think for a while. A master than abandon his slave and disappear without an explanation is not showing a domination capability. A Master/slave relationship require seriousness and commitment. If I’m master of a slave I take the obligation of protect her, of take under my charge some of her needs, and of understand her. To be master gives the obligation of be clear in that position. To be Master gives me the obligation to act as a Master. This is the opposite of an abandon. Who abandon his slave is not taking with seriousness his responsibility and his rol in the relationship, so, is an ambiguity. And if the master back after some months and claim his slave again, that's the last straw. To be or not to be, there is not a middle point in a Master/slave relationship.

In the other hand there is the slave. I think a slave than know what is she giving to the relationship and to her Master, know too than be slave do not make of her an insensitive toy. Any slave must to know than the Master have a commitment and a responsibility with her as she with him. Is a reciprocal relationship. That’s why an abandon is not a correct decision for a Master. And tolerate an abandon is not a correct decision for a slave, and the slave than tolerate it and moreover is determined to give another chance to the master than abandon her really need to know the consensual basis of the BDSM lifestyle. Is that the slave that you need? I know you can teach everything she must to know but if she feels confused because the master than abandon her is coming back, may be she have a low self-esteem, and that kind of slaves are not always a good choice.

Now I will go into the “may be” terrain. May be she is feeling ambiguity in the both sides, one Master abandon to her and suddenly comes back, the other offer domination first and after offer friendship. You offer her the possibility of be her friend if you can’t be her Master. No offense but may be she can feel this as an ambiguity because in first place you want her as slave not as friend and you say that it was the interest than make you known each other. May be that’s why she takes the decision of not be slave of any of the both. If she remain feeling that ambiguity she will remain confuse too. May be that girl needs a Master than show her decision and no more ambiguity. You must to evaluate if that can come from your side. Think if this can be a chance to show her than you aren’t an ambiguous Master and than your position of take her as slave or even as soulmate is so clear than she will feel safe always with you.

This is not an advice, just an opinion. I’m not telling you than you must do what I say and I will never say that, you have the decision of course. I offer an apology to you if I’m acting with an excess of confidence because we aren’t friends or something like that, but I had have some experiences and I like to share my point of view. Anyway I hope you can resolve this problem in the better of the ways for you and for the girl you like. And remember too than sometimes is better to let her go, sometimes Chronos fix the things in a better way.

Best Regards and apologize again.

Lord Markus

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Post #: 25

RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 5:33:26 AM

Bound2One

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The tough thing here is that the sub is comparing apples and oranges. Someone she hasn't met yet though has had an intense online/phone relationship. The orange is the known quantity. The jerk who left for 6 months, but who gave her her first experience in D/s and with whom she bonded deeply, from what you are telling us.

I think if she had gone through with meeting you before saying that she had to make a decision, you'd be playing a far greater role in her thought processes and would stand a greater chance of being the 'chosen Dom.' As it stands, even if she chooses you, I'd tread very carefully and take things slowly, meeting right away and starting your relationship.

But, I'm thinking you might be better off to let her go because she really doesn't know what she wants and it isn't fair to dangle you. I'm sorry you're going through this!

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 6:33:03 AM

OldBastardly1

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From: Atlanta, GA
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My advice......man up! To make certain I am being clear....MAN THE FUCK UP, Biker Dude!

You chatted online a few times and talked on the phone a few times and you have both decided that you are madly in love with each other? Haven't there been many books written about this? They were fiction, right?

I am not debasing you for being new, but it is quite obvious that you are from what you have said. Live and learn and do NOT let her use you as a fall-back guy. Being somebody's back-up plan is not fun. And won't be very fulfilling....ever....unless you enjoy being cuckolded and humiliated.

Think of her as a smelly turd and flush her out of your life.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 6:34:35 AM

KatyLied

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I take those words so seriously that I would never utter them to someone I only know from an on-line existence. It doesn't make sense to me. I can see saying "I find you attractive" or "I hope something develops", but to declare love to an on-line persona, not something I can see myself doing.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 6:51:41 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

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I'm not saying this is the case with her, but there are plenty of people out there who, when faced with a difficult decision, won't make any decision at all. They aren't willing to accept the responsibility and consequences of making a choice.

And in essence, she doesn't have to choose because she has two dominant men who are allowing her to control their actions and emotions. Being understanding and supportive is one thing........ being manipulated by an indecisive individual is another.

Whatever the case may be, I suggest that you move on with your life and find someone who does know that they want you.

Good luck to you.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 7:01:56 AM

OmegaG

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After reading all the replies, I think she's being wise to not choose either man.

If I'm abandoned for 6 months, there's no going back, period. However if I've felt that I've moved on and healed and the contact initiates feelings that I'd thought I'd healed from then I'd know that I wasn't in a good place to start another relationship. If I'd had such overwhelming feelings for another that I'd not met, I think that this would be a wake up call to me to put my own feelings in order before I became involved with someone else.

But then again, I don't believe in internet love so it's doubtful that I'd be in her place

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 12:24:41 PM

CalifChick

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I would suggest that next time, you might want to think twice about declaring your love for someone that you've never met. It really does take it to a whole new level, one that is most often (but not always) not sustainable in real life.

Cali

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 12:31:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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If you really care for her, then you would want her to be as healthy as possible. She can't give herself to you until she knows who she is.

So give her a couple of weeks or a month and then get back in touch as friends only. Meaning no sex or domination. Go to dinner, go to the movies, ask her help buying curtains for your place. Take a one evening class in Thai food or whatever together. See if you can relate as friends.

But I have to wonder if you have something of a white knight attitude in relationships, since you did fall so fast and so hard for an obviously wounded person. Something to think about, and work on, in yourself.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 1:00:54 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
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It is very difficult to put forth anything more than speculation without all of the facts, but I am going to speculate in an entirely different direction than most of the advice you have already gotten.

BDSM has many elements in common with Domestic Violence. I know it is not popular to think so, but it is true, and very often people who are very new to the feelings welling in themselves can find an abuser long before they find a responsible Dominant. Especially if they do not find Munches, Groups or even sites like this one to give them some knowledge and guidance. If it was abuse and not BDSM there is a powerful hold on her that is not going to be easily negated by phone calls and emails.
It is very easy to fall for someone by phone and email. All you have is the projection of the person that person wants you to see and what you yourself want to see. Reality, face to face is a far different thing. It is harder to fool ourselves when we are faced with the clay feet, bad moods and day to day things that being together live bring out.
Six months vanished and no contact could mean he was sitting in jail. we don't know and probably never will, and she herself may never know unless she does a background check on him. It could mean he was with another woman and got dumped, or that he returned to a wife. Again pure speculation. For whatever reason he was out of contact and she moved far too quickly towards forming a new relationship albeit only online, before she had any time to heal and recover from the vanishment. This is generally called a rebound relationship. They rarely work out well.
Sitting and pining is not going to bring her back to you, and there is no way of knowing without the reality of face to face if the feelings you have for her are reciprocated in real life or that the relationship would go forward. We are all very good at building fantasies about people we have never met in person. Doms and subs alike. Vanilla and otherwise. What seems wonderful on the phone and in email could very well be a bust chemistry wise face to face. You may never know. Without the reality of face to face you have no hold on her.

If she is truly interested in you then let her contact you. Send her one last email letting her know that you are there if she needs to talk or wants to pursue more, but otherwise you will not contact her. Sometimes the devil we know is better than the devil we don't, but at the same time we can be curious little minx's and she needs to know her own mind.

Take sometime yourself to distance yourself from this and then look around you for someone who can and wants to be in your life, real time. There are many out there who are seeking as well, real time, not fantasy. One of the things that always amused the hell put of me on IRC was the "Gorean Taverns" and Sub/Dom channels where someone who was sitting in front of a computer screen for hours would hop up from where they had been kneeling for 4 hours in perfect posture and grab an imaginary drink for someone. Reality, knees don't like kneeling for hours and hopping up like that would most likely land many on their butts as legs have fallen asleep. Reality is far harder than fantasy, but it is so easy to build a fantasy. Until a person is real in your life, face to face, they are little more than a commonly woven fantasy. We fall in love with them, the fantasy, but the proof as my grandma used to say is in the pudding.

Take some time. Do not doubt yourself. But go for the real, you deserve it.

poenkitten

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 5:39:48 PM

BikerDomRealTime

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BikerDom4

Again wow, thanks for you insights... they have really made me think....I do not feel like I am second choice, my reason for offering to be a friend to her was out of love....not because of my dominant feelings....she hasnt made me second choice , she just hasnt made a choice ( should she really have a chice ? ) What do I need to do to stop her if she will not submit to me in the first place ....I persume I cannot do anything if she will not submit....I have told her to do what makes her happy....because if she is happy then so am I .. I must note hear that I am fairly new to all of this and it was her that awoke my feelings of dominance.

BikerDom4,

Like it or not she did make a choice, and it was not to persue a relationship with you or submit to you. If she was interested in being with you, she would be with you now and playing this game. Maybe she is playing 'Dom Wars' between the two of you and is waiting to see who will come out on top. It is okay to be a friend to her, but I would suggest getting over her and moving on.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 9:10:41 PM

Owner4SexSlave

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Give letting her go serious consideration, if she can not nor will not commit to you.

If this drags out, there's a good chance that emotional pain will take hold, and your trust in her will become damaged in the end.

She's might be getting a rush from two DOM's competiting for her attention and submission. In short, she's the one with the power of choice here. As long as you play along with what she's doing, it's enabling her to have a form of control. She'll use this control to not make a decision. Basically, you and this other DOM will be at risk of trying to kiss her ass.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 9:25:22 PM

BoundDown

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how long is recently?

I am a cynic..... IMO she is playing you... old dom pops back up-- after being mysteriously gone 6 months w/o a word and now lives closer to her--right before ya'll are to meet. Come on!
I believe in love at first sight, unfortunately I believe it happens at first sight.

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RE: Confused Sub - 1/28/2008 11:07:47 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BikerDom4

Thanks for the sage advice,,,,,, made me laugh. Her option of not choosing either of us i felt was a cwoardly one , because its not really a choice, its simply a get out for her....I know shes not bullshiiting..... I know i can trust her, but I like your option of no contact until she stops talking to the other, however she has already decided this , and my attempts to be dominant with her recieve no response at all....unless I treat her badly....

I actually think it's a wise one. She obviously doesn't want either of you enough to choose one over the other and so you both would be better served by looking for a different girl and she a different owner.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: Confused Sub - 7/8/2008 11:10:52 AM

BikerDom4

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wanted to update this post ... considering the latest developements.... you were all in a way right and oh so helpfull. I ve grown n changed so much in the last 6 months. She hasnt... she moved in with her Master, and guess what last week she contacts me and tell s me she still craves and loves me , whilst still living with Him !!!
My response was... I dont want to know... STAY AWAY.... damn im much tougher now lol ...

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RE: Confused Sub - 7/8/2008 11:50:55 AM

GreedyTop

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*hugs*

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RE: Confused Sub - 7/8/2008 12:11:34 PM

Seph

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Im so sorry for what has happened to you. I hope you heal and find happiness. You Gave her the time she asked for and sadly she misused it and you. Thats painful. I understand.

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