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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 7:39:37 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Wow.  To the op, have you spent any time thinking about how you can offer up an environment in which he wants to take control and resume the play activities?  Have you thought about what you can do on your weekends together to relieve his stress and make your time together more enjoyable for both of you?

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 7:41:28 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		Actually Kalista07, I never got the reply I was hoping for. I was looking more for a "I would be hurt" or "I would be angry" sort of reply instead of a "You need to communicate better" sort of reply.

xxblushesxx, I DO have good communication. Yes, I can only talk to him on Saturday...FACE TO FACE. I can't talk to him on the phone because he works until 1 in the morning. We send emails to each other every day. We communicate. I'm done talking about my communication now. I know that I have good communication and that's all that matters.

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 7:41:36 PM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		I personally think this is one of the most well-behaved threads on collarme.

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You need a parachute to skydive twice.

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 7:43:20 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Wow.  To the op, have you spent any time thinking about how you can offer up an environment in which he wants to take control and resume the play activities?  Have you thought about what you can do on your weekends together to relieve his stress and make your time together more enjoyable for both of you?


Yes. I've done everything I can think of. Nothing has worked.

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 8:06:13 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Yes. I've done everything I can think of. Nothing has worked.


have you tried asking him what you can do that will encourage BDSM or SM activity??

because you have talked about everything that you can think of, and you have talked about what may be the problem with him....but i haven't seen you say anything about what he has said is specifically stopping him from engaging in BDSM or SM activities....(if you have difinitively said it, i appologize...) but rather than trying to read his mind and fix everything yourself, how about asking him what he wants and needs from you to fix the problems ya'll are having together?

just a suggestion
chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 8:24:10 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

Actually Kalista07, I never got the reply I was hoping for. I was looking more for a "I would be hurt" or "I would be angry" sort of reply instead of a "You need to communicate better" sort of reply.



snow you were told quite a few times how others would feel your just not hearing the answer you want!!!  You want someone to say sure ask him.  I would bounce your ass to the curb faster than you can say WhatTheHellJustHappened.

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 8:31:55 PM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
snow you were told quite a few times how others would feel your just not hearing the answer you want!!!  You want someone to say sure ask him.  I would bounce your ass to the curb faster than you can say WhatTheHellJustHappened.


THANK YOU, SIR.



_____________________________

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You need a parachute to skydive twice.

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 8:34:27 PM   
BoundDown


Posts: 76
Joined: 11/25/2007
Status: offline 		I am going to put this in the forum for the hope that someone else in a simaliar situation might benefit from this too.
It is not in some men to be a Sadistic  Dom and a Daddy. There are large differences between them, some can blend and balance those conflicting urges, while most I know can not; they are either one or the other. I will save you my sob story of 5 years wasted making my last partner jump through hoops, trying to be something he was not, in order to make me whole. We attempted poly,but that was another thing he could not bring himself to do... more pain and misery.
Some might say that is a small need to end a relationship over, that wasn''t his only fault but it was the one that made me walk away because I can not live w/ out that duality.
The only thing you can do right now is talk to him. Tell him how importent it is to you.Find out if he is doing this for him, or if this is just because he loves you. See if a compromise can be reached.
I will give you a more personal answer on the other side.


(in reply to subsnow)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 4:55:36 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Cut the crap. Your looking for us to tell you that it is ok to whore around. You are going to find out the hard way that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. The people on here are trying to be to nice to you and of course your not listening. You sound like my ex wife. Your bf should do what I did and boot your ass out the door.  

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 6:22:53 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline 		- Fast Reply -

I've read all of the OP's messages in this thread and here is a summation.

"I need... I need.... I need..." "I've tried this and NOTHING works because I'm not getting exactly what I want!" "I need... I need... ohyeawedotalk about what I NEED.."

To be brutally honest, if all my girl did was talk about what she needed, she'd be out the door - because it would *feel* like a one way street.

You mention you have a D/lg flow to your relationship and he "pampers" you. You mention that you want "more". It's all about *your* needs?

We're not hearing both sides of the story. So, with all this in mind, if you came to me and did the "I  NEED *stomp's little foot*" routine... and then added that you wanted another Man to satisfy "your needs" - well... I'd be pissed. My self esteem, which probalby has been seriously stress from all the constant "I needs" would take another hit... and I'd end the relationship. Such an emotional energy drain wouldn't be worth it.

I'd love to hear from His side though.

(BTW, before I end, there is NOTHING wrong with communicating needs. It's essential, vital and key to continuing consent. However, a constant litany of "I needs" without any seeming flow in reverse - that's just emotional vampirism and I have no time for one like that.)

Regards,
EO


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Some of my thoughts on Ownership:

http://extremeowner.blogspot.com/

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 6:53:25 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Snow;

He may be disturbed by the dynamic your relationship has gone to. While there are people who can handle the Age play there are others that it can bring up some nasty stuff they didn't know existed within them. There is also another possibily that I haven't seen discussed. Stress has been, but not depression. Depression can bring about the cessation of things you have enjoyed doing in the past. It can kill libido, slaughter sponteneity (sp) and spark weight gain. Weight gain can also spark diabetes type 2, which can also have the effect of dampening libido and can cause depression.

You said that he is on all sorts of medicines, look them up on the net and find out what the side effects are. Then speak to a pharmacist about interactions. Doctors don't always know about interactions between medicines outside of the major don't mix this with that, type of thing. If he is seeing multiple doctors, well, trust me, they don't always pay attention to the medication lists. They are supposed to but, they can miss, something.

Talking face to face, respectfully and honestly about what you have felt and observed is neccesary, but don't back him into a corner. Ultimately you will lose. Discuss the underlying cause, and "POSSIBLE" solutions, ask for HIS suggestions and accept his decision without pouting. He is your Dominant, not just your boyfriend, unless you two decide to dissolve the relationship.

I will say one thing however before closing. while all of us need the Dominance and Submission in our daily lives, and life can sometimes conspire to keep it from us, we learn to cope. Before I found my Master there were a couple of Maintenance Doms in my life that helped me out for a couple of years, but otherwise, I did without. Many of us do when we are without collars. We dream, we pine, we subliminate, but we don't die if someone doesn't pick up a whip and beat us weekly. We may not be the happiest campers in the world, but we all know we don't always get what we want, when we want, or even when we need it. There are times even now that I will respectfully remind Master he has an early and long day tomorrow and that 1 am is not the best time to start 2 hours on the cross. No matter how much I want to jump up and down for joy that he is raring to go, and that it will ultimately be his decision if we go ahead or not, it is my duty as his slave to ensure he has not forgotten his schedule for the next day. Many times he will say your right and I need to be awake on the road at 5 AM..bed and tabled until Friday night. His wellbeing comes before my needs and urges every fricking time for me. As it should be. Doesn't mean I like it, doesn't mean I don't need what he does so well, it just means life happens and doesn't always play nice with your biorythms. 

poenkitten (wishing she could have wheedled him into staying home today)

(in reply to BoskoDotDom)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 9:46:05 AM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		I was wrong. I'm being very selfish. He does so much for me. He pays the bills, pampers me, listens to me, cares for me, and communicates with me. He even saved my life. He's more than I ever dreamed of having.

It's so hard to watch him leave every single Monday. I've been doing it for a year now.  Unless you've done it, you won't understand. It hurts. Maybe my desire to look for play outside of the house is a way of trying to numb the pain. I've been making up excuses to rationalize my desires.

I'm a good girlfriend though. He'll tell you that. I'm a lot less dramatic and needy than most women...especially at my age. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and this was one of mine. I'm taking responsibility for that.

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 10:48:24 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Are you allowed to initiate play? Come out naked, drape yourself over his lap and hand him a hairbrush, saying you need him to go at it. Helps if it doesn't come out of the blue. Send him emails telling him play fantasies of yours during the week. Text messages etc. But ask him if he's capable of doing you this favor even when he isn't turned on. Women's hormonal cycles can make our sex drive vary enormously from week to week. There is no way he's going to know you're hotter than hell if you don't tell him. Ask him to satisfy you using his hands or a toy. Then spend a lot of your time doing stuff for him he couldn't get to, his laundry while he does bills etc.

Talk about it when you're walking or having coffee. These discussions should be low key. Just something simple like you know he is suffering from libido issues but can you ask him for a hand even when he isn't interested.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 11:05:16 AM   
venusinblu


Posts: 165
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		And if she doesn't ask him open and honestly if she can play with others in the week and goes ahead and sees others behind his back, she's a cheater and will get ear-ache for that too ... She's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't - it seems to be that the over riding advice is, if your Dom/Domme sub/slave or whatever isn't giving you want because they are too tired to play with you,  you have to put up and shut up or leave them. 

Not being provocative, I just feel that these are the only options she has. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

Let me see if I got this right your Dom is working/traveling out of town during the week, so he is tried when he comes home for the weekend and he has to deal with all of the things he could not get to during the week because he was not there AND you want to ask him if you can play during the week? 

I know you would NOT like the answer to "can I play during the week" if you asked me.

Mike


Sorry, but I am kind of in agreement with Mike here; and since he said it so much nicer than I would have; I will leave it there.


_____________________________

Louis: Do you think I would let them harm you?
Claudia: No you would not Louis. Danger holds you to me.
Louis: Love holds you to me.

~~~~~~

When the going gets tough, the tough get under the table . ... Edmund Blackadder

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 11:23:13 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		The little blue pill does not increase libido. Only the mind can do that, unless there are medical reasons why he has lost interest. The little blue pill helps maintain an erection, which has to be there to an extent for that pill to work. The problem you're having is in y'alls mindz...



(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 11:24:26 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		It is hard to watch someone leave every week. This week on Sunday I get to take Master to the airport once again and watch him leave me for a business trip to L.A. While he is thee unless there is something he needs me to look up I will likely only get to speak to him 10 minutes at night and 5 in the morning before he hits the road for the day. When I pick him up again late Friday night, I will be dressed in a way that pleases him and is still legal and we will get home to late and him to tired to do more than collapse in bed and cuddle. He is on the road an average of 3 weeks a month. Saturday morning he will wake late to breakfast, snuggles and if he desires, more. He will be bathed, pampered, and feted, he will probably play a game online, watch a dvd or some porn, and maybe if I am lucky we will play late Saturday or on Sunday.

While he is gone I will continue with the remodel (painting) of the master bathroom, laundry, cleaning, normal errands, take care of the pets, work on repairing the fence, work on the web sites I have to take care of and make sure that when he gets home there is little for him to do save relax. My life is to make his life easier and to be there when he reaches for me. I treasure the times he is home and try to make sure that when he leaves he wants to come home again. We talk, when it is time to talk, when he can turn his mind to things that are bothering me, or him. We talk about things going on in the world and I try to stay current on things that intrigue him, even if they are not normally of interest to me. This is my job and my life. I usually do pretty good at it, though like everyone else I have days when all I want to do is snap and bite. He is always glad to come home, knowing I am waiting for him.

BDSM is an everyday part of our lives, it permeates everything, though it does not always involve whips and chains. It is about making him happy, and in doing so, I am happy and rewarded. No things are not always smooth. We do fight (though I remain respectful), and there are even times he concedes I am right or at least not wrong in my feelings and opinions. He can also stop a fight simply through saying "Enough" or "Bed Now" and that is the end of it. I am a slave and his.

This does not mean that our way is the right way for anyone save ourselves. But I do remember to try and at least hear both sides of how something I say can be taken. What I say is not always what is heard, that goes for most of us, for what is said is filtered through an awful lot of baggage before it hits the brain of the other person. I also try to remember that what he says goes through my filters too and try to clean it of past garbage and hear the core of it. Doesn't always work, we're human.

So yeah. A lot of us get it. The difficulty of him being gone every week. From those of us who deal with the same problems to those who only get to see their SO a couple of times a month or who have not yet found that special person. We all deal at some point with the absent Master/Slave, etc. We just learn to cope.

poenkitten 

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 12:43:37 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I was wrong. I'm being very selfish. He does so much for me. He pays the bills, pampers me, listens to me, cares for me, and communicates with me. He even saved my life. He's more than I ever dreamed of having.

It's so hard to watch him leave every single Monday. I've been doing it for a year now.  Unless you've done it, you won't understand. It hurts. Maybe my desire to look for play outside of the house is a way of trying to numb the pain. I've been making up excuses to rationalize my desires.

I'm a good girlfriend though. He'll tell you that. I'm a lot less dramatic and needy than most women...especially at my age. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and this was one of mine. I'm taking responsibility for that.


i must tell You that as difficult as it is for me to admit, He and i are going through something somewhat similar...Actually, there was  a post which i was thinking was going to be very helpful to Him and i even emailed it to Him, however it turned out not being about that....He has decided that He is having some difficulty due to his past relationship being a "Master"..... So, we've back off on the M/s stuff for the time being. i've expressed my needs to Him and my desires.. i've also asked Him if there is anything i can do to assist Him or help Him in this area...He assures me there isn't... Here's where the tricky part comes in:  So, i have to trust Him....i have to trust that He knows what's best for both of us... i also made a decision that even if for some odd and crazy reason we could never do the M/s thing again and became a strictly 'vanilla' couple i would still be right where i'm at supporting Him, encouraging Him, believing in Him, and valuing Him....Why? Because in my entire life i've never found anyone who's treated me as wonderfully, as respectfully, as encouragingly (i know it's not a word, but come on!!!), or as supportively as He has...He's made me believe in myself and He's taught me soo much!! Why or how could i walk away from that simply because some needs that i determined i have aren't being met? Doesn't seem realistic to me...So, for now, i just continue to be who i am and be what i am and trust that in the end it will all work itself out....Occasionally, i'll bring up the topic but not very often...i don't want to guilt Him or nag Him or put any undue strain on Him.
Kali


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 1:34:06 PM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I was wrong. I'm being very selfish. He does so much for me. He pays the bills, pampers me, listens to me, cares for me, and communicates with me. He even saved my life. He's more than I ever dreamed of having.

It's so hard to watch him leave every single Monday. I've been doing it for a year now.  Unless you've done it, you won't understand. It hurts. Maybe my desire to look for play outside of the house is a way of trying to numb the pain. I've been making up excuses to rationalize my desires.

I'm a good girlfriend though. He'll tell you that. I'm a lot less dramatic and needy than most women...especially at my age. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and this was one of mine. I'm taking responsibility for that.


Kudoes to you for admitting as much and for learning from it. I'm really glad to see you say that - and I think, then, this little quote that I've found helpful for myself and my girl might be of use to you.

"You know, when you are serving the one you love and admire, doing things you really enjoy mean very little. Ofcourse they are probably fun for both of you, and certainly necessary in many cases, but when it comes down to demonstrating the true meaning of your service and your commitment, they really mean very little.

What really demonstrates the true depth of your commitment and your love is when you have the rare opportunity to be required to do something horrible, painful, extremely difficult, terribly distasteful, and you are not only able to do it in a manner that exceeds his/her expectations, but it's done without any unnecessary complaining, problems, or squabbling. "

Sometimes service, and the call for service, and the acceptance of service, is difficult, and yet the most rewarding.

Good luck to you.
Regards,
EO

PS. The quote came from here


< Message edited by ExtremeOwnerIL -- 1/29/2008 1:35:20 PM >

_____________________________

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http://extremeowner.blogspot.com/

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 2:11:41 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		I would be so damn pissed, when I worked hard away from home and my girl/lover asked if she could play in that time.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/29/2008 4:48:15 PM   
TotalState


Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I was wrong. I'm being very selfish.


Ya think?

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

He does so much for me. He pays the bills, pampers me, listens to me, cares for me, and communicates with me. He even saved my life. He's more than I ever dreamed of having.

It's so hard to watch him leave every single Monday. I've been doing it for a year now.  Unless you've done it, you won't understand. It hurts. Maybe my desire to look for play outside of the house is a way of trying to numb the pain. I've been making up excuses to rationalize my desires.

I'm a good girlfriend though. He'll tell you that. I'm a lot less dramatic and needy than most women...especially at my age. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and this was one of mine. I'm taking responsibility for that.

I'm away from my fiancée almost a month at a time, and may be until this summer.  And you're boohooing because you can't see him until the weekend?  Don't blame your age.  Oh, he clearly loves you, but I have a feeling it will all end in tears (delicious, dramatic tears).

He's clearly catering to your needs.  Question is...does he enjoy being a sadist?  If not...could you stand being dominated by someone who is faking it for your sake?


_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 60
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