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Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 2:14:57 PM   
EmergingMe


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/29/2008
Status: offline 		I am a switch in relationship with my soul mate, and a third who is a woman.  We are all new to the lifestyle and very curious.  Our third has a partner, who is also new in the lifestyle, and is expressing interest in being a Dom.

Up to this point he has been very submissive in their relationship, and is now trying to "change" because it has come to his attention that she needs control and dominance to lead her.

My question is this.  should her partner immediately start to make demands and be controlling with her, or should the Dominant role be earned by  and through trust?

Also, it is our thinking that his interest in being a Dom is founded under the principle that it is what he must do to keep her in his life, and not the principle that it is what HE wants. (I believe this is the truest form of his drive to learn about BDSM)
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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 2:24:37 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		You can do whatever works for you, as there is no BDSM relationship blueprint and no two are alike.
 
Experiment, talk and share openly and honestly, modify, experiment some more, talk and share openly... and so on.
 
John

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"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 2:27:44 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmergingMe

My question is this.  should her partner immediately start to make demands and be controlling with her, or should the Dominant role be earned by  and through trust?



My vote is for trust.  I laugh at people who try to play UberDom and make demands on me.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 2:29:32 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmergingMe

I am a switch in relationship with my soul mate, and a third who is a woman.  We are all new to the lifestyle and very curious.  Our third has a partner, who is also new in the lifestyle, and is expressing interest in being a Dom.

Up to this point he has been very submissive in their relationship, and is now trying to "change" because it has come to his attention that she needs control and dominance to lead her.  Okay, colour me confused.  HE wants to change because HE finds she needs control.  Who says she needs control?  Who says she needs to be lead?  Who says he's the one to do it.  If he was dominant to start out with, she may not have gotten out of control.  If he was very submissive to begin with, why doesn't she take the control.  Can the leopard change his spots?  Um....

My question is this.  should her partner immediately start to make demands and be controlling with her, or should the Dominant role be earned by  and through trust?  
Based on the above....still um.....????
Otherwise, my answer would be "yes".   The "role" needs to be earned through trust but he's gotta do something to earn that trust and dominating would be a good start.

Also, it is our thinking that his interest in being a Dom is founded under the principle that it is what he must do to keep her in his life, and not the principle that it is what HE wants. (I believe this is the truest form of his drive to learn about BDSM)   Almost, sorta, kinda like, pretty much....skewed way of thinking but it may work.  Good luck with it.



All of the above said of course from my own personal point of view and absolutely no offense intended.  I do hope someone else has answers for you instead of more questions.

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It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 2:57:39 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

My question is this. should her partner immediately start to make demands and be controlling with her, or should the Dominant role be earned by and through trust?


If her partner wishes to lead, he should lead.  It's this little thing called initiative, that momentary bout of insanity where you stop dithering, stop asking questions, and start making choices and decisions.

It is as simple as that.


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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 3:00:39 PM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		Interesting family.
I agree with the first replyer.
Experiment and if it feels right then its good.

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See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 3:01:51 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I think if he wants to lead, because he's afraid he'll lose his partner, he's already lost the battle.

It's far more crucial to be with someone compatible than it is to become someone your partner 'needs' you to be. 

There's no earning the title Master.  Master is what I expect my slave to call me (and the rare person who feels more comfortable referring to me in that fashion.)  It's not something I demand of others, it's only something I require of my own property; even then, it is more for her own well being and mental state than any ego inflating need on my part.

Stephan


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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 3:15:28 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

I think if he wants to lead, because he's afraid he'll lose his partner, he's already lost the battle.

It's far more crucial to be with someone compatible than it is to become someone your partner 'needs' you to be.


Leading as a last resort (i.e., because he's afraid he'll lose his partner) is a contradiction in terms.  It's neither leadership nor desiring leadership.  It is succumbing to manipulation and emotional pressures.

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 3:23:13 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		One can have a dominant personality and lead other but still be fulfilled in a submissive role. Perhaps what she needs is a senior slave or submissive to give her orders.

Otherwise, how it works is whatever works for your family.

Master Fire


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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 5:48:16 PM   
EmergingMe


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/29/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your wise feedback!  I knew that if I posted this question, I would get a very rounded view and a miriad of opinions.  I realize that what works for our family is best! I respect that completely, and will ALWAYS honor and respect my Masters requests.  My slave has had this issue with her partner, and has been asking me questions that I was unable to advise her on.

Kudos to you all!  Keep the feedback coming!

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 6:09:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		A solid relationship only is gained through time, trust and shared experience together.  How that happens to occur however is up to those involved.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 8:05:32 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It usually equates to being at least marginally competent at something.

Most often-boasting.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/29/2008 11:55:19 PM   
EmergingMe


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/29/2008
Status: offline 		OMG I am in love with this forum already..

One thing up front, the posts in this thread up till now have been my SoulMate, a Female Switch. She has given herself to me freely and I accept this honor and responsibility.

(Advice needed from the group, should we share an ID, or use separate ones? Since we are completely open/honest, it doesn't matter, but it might get confusing for people responding.)

Back to the matter at hand that my S posted about.. Thanks for all of the input, but I would like to paint this portrait in a little deeper detail..

Our dear friend (old friend I had lost touch with) and now willing part time sub was locked into a long term traditional marriage. She was trapped in the duty of life and making it.. but she knew there was something missing.. Long story short, I looked her back up about a year ago and turned her world upside down. She quickly found out what she had repressed as weird or perverted was actually quite normal and accepted in certain circles. Since then she has been on the journey of self discovery, making new friends (she's on CM too), asking questions, playing, etc. But she's still sort of trapped.. Her long time husband, who 6 months ago would have labeled us all freaks and pervs, is now trying to be more understanding and accepting so he doesn't lose her. My switch and I have tried to help her understand that trying to change people, or putting someone in position where they have to change, can be very unhealthy. I just don't think he can "get there" and not resent the journey.

As to the very first post as to "earning the title of Master", my very newbie view is that a true Master carries himself with self-confidence, and self-control. The people in his life will naturally look up to him and some people will choose to submit to his control and give themselves freely, either as a sub or a true slave. That power can be abused / misused and the relationship lost.

I do not see any evidence that he has walked the walk of a Master in his life, at least not according to what I have been told. That position can not be "taken" by fiat such as a marriage license.

I strive to carry myself in a manner becoming of a Master so that I may earn and maintain my proper place with my Switch. I truly have a tiger by the tail.. :-D

And a sincere thank you to the group for being so open and sharing.. It's quite refreshing!


(in reply to Leatherist)
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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/30/2008 3:57:54 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Ah, a third party question. I don't do those. Get him over here, and then we can ask him questions.You explaining what she is saying what he is saying rarely leads to good communication.

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/30/2008 5:05:34 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I guess that I am going to have to quit my uberDomness to get anywhere with cali. To the op. Why have a Dom if your going to tell him what to do?  Trust and all of that is a must. If you start off by giving me a long list of how Im supposed to Dom you then that isnt going to happen.

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/30/2008 7:17:14 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Some couples use the same ID when posting; some use separate profiles.  The ones who use the same ID usually have an ID like JohnAndJane and then sign their post "John" or "Jane."  I only post on threads when I think I can say something helpful, and it's much easier for me to judge that if I know who I'm talking to.  So if you don't differentiate, I probably won't post on your threads.  (Perhaps a reason for you to stay more anonymous....)

The more people I meet who are into BDSM, the more I think it is like vanilla.  I used to think there was some big difference between the two.  Nope.  The exact same common sense, rules of respect and decency, and all that other crap still apply.  If you can't trust this dude to be a Master to you -- well, he probably isn't a good fit.  Maybe he'd be great for someone else, who knows.  There's no reason for you to be in a hurry.  If you do a profile search, you might notice there's two or three maledoms advertising on this site.

There's plenty of recent threads where "Masters" tried to baffle with their pseudo-intellectual BDSM bullshit and people with actual life experience smacked them down.  Straight talk and straight dealing trump titles and protocol every time.

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/30/2008 7:58:54 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Presumably if they have been in a relationship for a while, they have already learned that it is safe to trust each other. You don't have to start over again from zero just because you're tweaking the relationship.

In terms of technical skill however, obviously he needs to learn some. Don't hit the kidneys or the tailbone, learn not to wrap, learn how to not cut with canes if no cuts are acceptable. But that's relatively easy to learn, and she can do the research for him, print it out and leave it with the new toy.

Being a cynic, I can't help from thinking that you are trying to put roadblocks in their way so as not to lose her. After all, you've got an ulterior motive to preventing him from domming her, she won't need you if she gets it at home.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/30/2008 8:01:19 AM >

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/30/2008 8:06:40 AM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		The phrase "wants to become a Dom", so as not to loose her, does not set well with me.  The battle is already lost, and although they might self proclaim the title "DOM", in my minds eye, they are nothing more than Submissive for changing in order to please and attract.

It has always been an ole saying of mine "If you want to be a Dom, you have to experience what it's like to be submissive".  This gives them a general understanding of how to treat Submission.

A good Dom will earn trust, respect, and a understanding of what they are doing.  Communication and exploration are also key factors in finding your "Niche".  Doing these things for fear of someone walking out on you, is not a valid reason in my opinion.  They are sending mixed signals.

Just my two cents.  Not ment to influence or discourage anyother opinions or experiences. (My disclaimer)

LOKI



_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/30/2008 8:19:43 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		He needs to spend time learning the lifestyle, or the processes of it anyways, stay away from the porn and make it His / their own thing.....get help and advice from the people they feel compatible with in what they want, and the rest should all float into place.

~meticulous~

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RE: Earning the Title of Master - 1/30/2008 11:59:43 AM   
belledonna


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/14/2008
Status: offline 		I am the sub person spoken about in this post. I have been married 9 years to a man I dominate in all aspects of life. I am tired of all of the responsibility of the house etc. I need a strong an to take this position and he says he will do it if I will let him. I think he would be doing it if he was capable of being my Dom.  I thought I was happy until I had a taste of the other side of things. Now it is all I crave. belledonna

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