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presents - 1/29/2008 8:28:00 PM

fluffyswitch

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so i imagine that there is a similar thread floating around somewhere but meh. if there is you don't have to read this one lol.

i'm wondering what people's thoughts on presents are. not tribute--presents. Sir's been talking about this book since before we became whatever it is we are, couple for better word (we're essentially together in a vanilla sense as well as a D/s dynamic), so when i ordered my textbooks this semester i ordered the book as well, even though He told me He doesn't like presents. i know that He's happy with it, He's said as much but at the same time He's not happy that i'm buying Him presents. i got a decent spanking (nothing too heavy but i think it was still intended to be a very mild punishment (i think) ) but like i said i know that He's happy with the book regardless.

does anyone have any similar experiences?

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:29:49 PM

juliaoceania

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No, my Daddy likes presents, and I have given him a few along the way... from cards to dvds to Dutch china.....

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:39:54 PM

MasterFireMaam

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You can try talking to him about how different people say, "I care," or "I love you," in different ways. According to Chapman in Five Love Languages, the five primary ways are:

quality time
quality talk
gifts
affection/intimacy
acts of service

The book focuses on how you want your partner to show you love and how your parnter wants you to show them love. However, I've noticed with myself how I tell someone I love them is different from how I want them to tell me they love me. So, it sounds like to me you want to give gifts in order to say, "I love you." If you explain this to him, it might make a little more sense and perhaps he'd be open to it. If he's not, you have the choice to obey or not, consequences taken into account.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:41:05 PM

Daddysredhead

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This book is one of the best I have ever read. Highly worth anyone's time spent reading it.

~ DRH

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:44:31 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I'd say talk about why he doesn't like presents, what it means to you and the act of giving.

For us, I'd say it's extremely rare we go more than a few days without giving eachother some present.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:47:31 PM

fluffyswitch

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'd say talk about why he doesn't like presents, what it means to you and the act of giving.

For us, I'd say it's extremely rare we go more than a few days without giving eachother some present.

He says it's because He's broke and can't reciprocate, and i tell Him that i'm not looking for monetary reciprocation. i just like giving Him things that i know will make Him happy. it's still a new relationship (though we've been in contact for awhile) so maybe things will change as we go along.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:51:03 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I would guess so if that's the honest reason. Being reminded of being broke can be tough, and if he's broke then obviously spending money on "extras" isn't prudent. I'd perhaps ask permission to get small gifts OCCASIONALLY.

Being broke is generally temporary, as long as it's not a lifelong problem of receiving from others, nothing I'd much worry about.

I know I have a habit of spoiling my nephews. When I lost my job, I sat them down (they were 6 and 4) and told them that we couldn't go to the movies or toy stores for awhile since I had to save money but as soon as I got a job again, I'd spoil them rotten. They were fine and happy and we played and hung out in their living room. Sure enough, a few weeks later I had a solid job, went over to their place, told them I had a job again and asked if they knew what it meant- they laughed and said "You can spoil us rotten again!"

That's pretty much how I handle all my relationships- I let them know what I can and can't handle. If that means staying home, eating soup and just hanging out most of the time to save money, then that's what we do. But I love to spoil the ones I love, so I do it as much as I possibly can.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 1/29/2008 8:54:21 PM >

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:52:31 PM

daddyncherry

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i feel for your situation here, especially in light of the MFM expounded on it.

my suggestion first would be to see if there is a way that you could give it to him where it didn't "feel like a present"....there are things that my Daddy gives me that seem like gifts/presents/rewards whatever and there are times when he gives me something more off-handedly...with a different feel behind it. Does this make sense? Maybe if it isn't perceived as a gift with the expectation on the giver's part, maybe he will accept it better. Just a thought.

In light of what MFM said, she has a point there.....i have very definitive ways that i show someone that i love them....besides the whole, being there and being loyal and all of that big part. There are ways that i like to do things for others...poetry, cards, baking cakes, things of that nature. MOST of those things mean almost NOTHING to my Daddy..which is SUCH a hard pill for me to swallow...but when i want to do those things, i really have to stop and think, how much of it is about me? and how much is about Him?.....

Now, i don't do most of those things, save for the occasional cake (and i try not to attach any kind of expectaion to it)....what i do, is try to make sure that i do the little things that he might appreciate....Getting his chocolate, making sure i pick up his Coke, milk and cookies when i go to the store...getting out of bed when i am almost asleep to make him chocolate milk...making sure his laundry is handled well....Thinking through things to make sure his life goes smoothly.

See the things that matter sooo much to me, in my way of expressing love are much much different than his and how he wants to be loved by me.

So maybe your Master doesn't like presents perse, but what does he like that you can do to make him happy, without making him uncomfortable and having to punish you (mild or not)? Things that would be "gifts" that he would enjoy.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:53:44 PM

fluffyswitch

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I would guess so if that's the honest reason. Being reminded of being broke can be tough, and if he's broke then obviously spending money on "extras" isn't prudent. I'd perhaps ask permission to get small gifts OCCASIONALLY.

Being broke is generally temporary, as long as it's not a lifelong problem of receiving from others, nothing I'd much worry about.

i've pretty much stuck to things so far that He's actually voiced wanting or that i could only get for Him. the book i got because i have a debit that i can shop online and could get it cheaper off the site i bought my books. there's this type of chocolate that He likes that i had someone get more of for me because it's not something that He can get easily Himself. that's been pretty much it. right now the current argument is His birthday but that's not until march so we'll see what happens before then lol.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:55:49 PM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyswitch
He says it's because He's broke and can't reciprocate...

This can be extremely hard on the male ego, given our society. Much more hard than on the female.

How about suggesting he use it as a reward? Everytime you do something good, you get a gold star or somethin'. When the card is full or goal is met, you can buy him something under $25. That might make it ok for him.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 8:59:32 PM

fluffyswitch

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyswitch
He says it's because He's broke and can't reciprocate...

This can be extremely hard on the male ego, given our society. Much more hard than on the female.

How about suggesting he use it as a reward? Everytime you do something good, you get a gold star or somethin'. When the card is full or goal is met, you can buy him something under $25. That might make it ok for him.

Master Fire

that one may actually work...He's really insistent that i keep my grades up (though it's not like i only work at them to make Him happy lol). He'd probably go along with that if i link it to my homework or something.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 9:21:55 PM

Honsoku

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyswitch
"i ordered the book as well, even though He told me He doesn't like presents."

If he doesn't want them because he can't reciprocate, don't get them for him. If he doesn't want them, they will do a poor job of making him happy. They may make him somewhat happy, but at the cost of turning him against you. He will feel that he can't talk about similar items, lest you ignore his wishes and buy them anyway. Trust him to be able to know his own wants, otherwise he won't trust you with them.

< Message edited by Honsoku -- 1/29/2008 9:25:05 PM >

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 9:33:00 PM

fluffyswitch

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quote:

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Honsoku

quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyswitch
"i ordered the book as well, even though He told me He doesn't like presents."

If he doesn't want them because he can't reciprocate, don't get them for him. If he doesn't want them, they will do a poor job of making him happy. They may make him somewhat happy, but at the cost of turning him against you. He will feel that he can't talk about similar items, lest you ignore his wishes and buy them anyway. Trust him to be able to know his own wants, otherwise he won't trust you with them.

the thing is though is that i am getting what He wants---He says that He's happy with them. either way it's not going to become routine because i'm a grad student and if nothing else grad student==broke.

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RE: presents - 1/29/2008 10:22:43 PM

Honsoku

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He may be happy with the item, but he isn't happy about the circumstances around how he got it. He doesn't want someone else buying items for him because he can't reciprocate, so don't until this changes. He has already expressed his desires on this matter, why are you subverting it? Do you not trust him to be able express what he wants? Which is more important, that you show your affection in a manner he enjoys or that you enjoy? It may be possible to achieve some manner of a compromise on the issue, though be prepared for a "no". A better use of time would be to find a manner of expressing your affection that you both enjoy.

< Message edited by Honsoku -- 1/29/2008 10:29:43 PM >

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