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S&M...without the S - 1/30/2008 7:38:11 AM

viewfromthetop

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Even before my pet and I got into any kind of kink - we started out as simple vanilla-type boyfriends - he'd made it clear he was something of a masochist. I always just saw it as sort of a quirk, and when we started having sex, it was perfectly easy to dig in my nails or bite a little harder than I normally would. Still is, for that matter. :D

That being said.
As we've explored our dynamics and pushed the boundaries, we've gotten heavier about it. He wants to be beaten and bruised, and I'm more or less content to do it just to see him react and know he's getting off on it. I'm not a sadist, though. By nature, I'm very protective, and sometimes it gets hard for me to balance the urge to keep him safe and happy with the knowledge that what makes him happy is, at least sometimes, pain.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has been in this situation. Any tips for getting over the overprotective instincts? He may be the sub, but I'm not ashamed to say I respect his needs and want to give him what makes him happy. Besides, it's not like it makes me unhappy to indulge him with a good smack, per se - it just doesn't come naturally yet.

Tips? Words of wisdom?

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RE: S&M...without the S - 1/30/2008 7:46:00 AM

Rover

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I'm in that position all the time, in that I'm not a Sadist in the traditional sense. And when I Top, it's for the pleasure of controlling the scene, what she feels, her head space, her responses, etc. It's not for the pleasure of causing her pain, which is simply a means to an end.

John

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RE: S&M...without the S - 1/30/2008 8:05:30 AM

RoughFN

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There's an old joke that I'm reminded of...."The masochist says, 'hurt me.' The sadist replies, 'No.'"

Realistically? You may never get over the overprotective instincts. You just may not be wired for sadism, and that's okay. You said you don't mind doing it, so the issue basically just seems to be that you're concerned about pushing him harder? Experience will help with that.

I don't think anybody should ever start off going as far as they can whipping a sub, it's just not safe. You need to interact and play a bit and get a feel for your partner before you can step it up. Otherwise, you just don't know what they can actually take and at what point you'd really be hurting them badly or pushing them too far. Everyone needs some amount of buildup, so that's normal - don't worry about it.

From there, just practice practice practice. Do what you're comfortable with, and then occasionally step it up a little bit. Hit a little harder than you normal would have and see how he reacts. Then try it again. And again. You'll get a feel for what his body can take and that should alleviate your concerns. With most people, it's really quite amazing how much punishment their bodies can take before they start showing marks that last any amount of time (well, once you know what you're doing, at least).

That'll help your confidence - you've probably got a skewed idea right now of what it'll take to hurt and bruise him so you're shrinking away from it. As you see how much more he can take, you'll probably be willing to go farther. Hell, you may reach a point where he doesn't need you to go farther, either. I can whip my girl and send her into absolute bliss and never leave a mark.

As you get more comfortable with whatever you're using, you can try more severe implements. Start off softer with them and build up. Multi tail floggers are good. Crops are good. Canes are nasty - fairly easy to control but can hurt more quickly than you'd expect. Single tail whips you should probably avoid for a while - they're hard to control and can leave nasty marks.

But you may never really get off on it. Maybe you will. Maybe inflicting all the pain will turn you into a sadist and you'll really get off on it. Maybe you'll stay as you are and basically just do a favor for your masochist buddy. No harm in either way. And if you decide you really don't like doing it, then stop. No reason to keep pushing yourself hard to do something you hate just to make him happy. But hopefully it won't come to that and you'll instead reach a compromise.

So just practice practice practice and you should at least get the hang of it.

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RE: S&M...without the S - 1/30/2008 8:24:52 AM

LokisBrat

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From: Mayberry, Illinois
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I have quite the opposite problem in my Household. I love to deal down a good ass spanking bare handed over my knee. Of course this makes my brat shed a few tears and make all those lovely little sounds. If it was up to her, she would get petted all the time with a dash of footrubs. She understands the things that I like, and submits to them. In turn, I understand the things she likes, and give them to her. It is simply a power exchange.

In the beginning when we were just married vanilla folks, I was always a bit kinky and some of it escaped. I feared hurting my life long partner, and always wanted to protect her and keep her safe. I would feel incredibly bad for grabbing her throat, or pulling her hair. As we discovered BDSM, the dynamics were already there, they just flooded out. After years of this play, I know exactly what limits she has, how much she can take, and how far to push her.

Take it slow, and practice achieving what your partner wants or needs. Listen and communicate, learn to feel when boundries on either side are being pushed and develope a routine that works for both.

LOKI

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"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

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RE: S&M...without the S - 1/30/2008 8:50:10 AM

Dnomyar

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Short answer. Seek someone to join in to help you.

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RE: S&M...without the S - 1/30/2008 9:03:45 AM

Stephann

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From: Portland, OR
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Hi there,

You're running smack into the same dilemma I had about six years ago. I was raised never to hit girls, never to make them cry, that I shouldn't ever do something that hurts them.

In the end, after a lot of self-examination, I learned that I didn't fit the title of classic Sadist; I don't enjoy hurting normal people. Yet, I truly enjoyed the opportunity to share a well of intensity and violence inside of me. Someone who is receptive to that intensity, who takes something very different from that violence than a person who doesn't desire or consent to such an exchange.

There's a fine line to walk between meglomania, and responsible sadism. Your concern for the well being of your pet suggests responsibility and empathy. There's no shame in sharing that part of yourself with someone who embraces and thrives on it.

Stephan

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: S&M...without the S - 1/30/2008 8:07:40 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Give it time and get to know other people so you can observe them and help release your unnecessary guilt.

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RE: S&M...without the S - 2/9/2008 10:48:06 AM

DaddyDeerest

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I too face this senario all the time, to the point where I've had to face what I am, and what it is that I get out of this scene and lifestyle.
I lost my sub last year ,partly because, I believe I wasn't advancing as quickly as she was, or as quickly as she needed me to. We were no longer in-sync.with eachother, and that realization came with some hurt and pain of failure on my part. I thought I could rise to the occation, but I admit that I just don't have the sadistic streak in me that a true pain-slut needs to thrive on.
Being a Dom, 24/7 was too much for me to uphold, and as we progressed in the lifestyle, she wanted and needed more, not less, and I was happy with the way we were.
I am a pisces male, and my true nature in life, in love, in sex, is to give my partner what they want and need, and if I'm able to be happy while doing it, bonus. Well, I too was brought up not to hit girls, and infact I was slapped in grade school for hitting a girl, and I've never hit one since, and have been an advidcate against the violence towards women ever since. Meeting my last two lovers has allowed me to delve into my own pyche',and free myself to thoughts and feelings I've repressed all my life. Not that I'm closet woman basher, by any means, it's more viseral than that, It's just about the act of striking someone when your not mad, with their conscent, and with the knowledge it's also causing them immense pleasure, which of course led me to have erections during certain acts..
It was very hard to bring myself to slap my GF across the face repeatedly. I did it until we both cried like babies. It wasn't long before I began recieving great pleasure from many aspects of Domination, and Bondage, and Corporal Punishment. But, within the scene I felt unwelcombed at times, by many groups and by peers. I felt it is a very judgemental scene here in Toronto. With many clic's each with their own criteria for acceptence.
But I digress...My ex is now finding happiness in her quest, and I am here seeking my own form of playpartner, because It was not only enjoyment to me, but as we get older, the focus of sex is taken away from the genitles, and put on the brain, where the act of giving and recieving pleasure takes time, and offers more rewards as well.
Was this painful enough for you to read to classify me as sadistic?
I read once some where, this sub saying that the worse thing she could ever hear from her Master would be that he's there for her first. Damn. I thought I could remember that quote...I believe it's from a rather famous, or mainstream source. But the quote was something like that..."If she were to learn that he was doing this because she liked it more, or he liked it less...it would distroy what they had, because she needs to know that he's in it for himself formost, and equaly as she is , but to do it for her is too much for her to grasp. I loved that my partner's sex drive was dirtier, or wilder than mine was. I never refused her. And I loved her imagination. Which is what I lacked I guess. I didn't have as mush imagination when it came to S&M, because I'm not much into the S, and she's the M. But when it came to theD. I was there with crop'n'flogger in hand. but it wasn't enough.
OKAY, I need to stop now. Thanks for giving me a topic that I could rant and rave on about. Cheers, Mate.& good Luck

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RE: S&M...without the S - 2/9/2008 12:40:21 PM

greyangelus

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My advice?

Concentrate on those areas that you DO enjoy, and let those emotions be what are foremost in your mind. With a lot of practice, association will blend the 2 areas together.

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RE: S&M...without the S - 2/9/2008 2:15:47 PM

Taintedblood

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just wanted to say thanks.

this thread has helped me a little and given me some insight

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RE: S&M...without the S - 2/10/2008 9:03:21 AM

nwcutie102

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great one... as we get older the sex is taken off the genitals and moves more to the brain... that was very well put Daddydeareest.... i so agree

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RE: S&M...without the S - 2/11/2008 5:44:34 AM

antipode

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Respect your partner's needs and wants, and learn to treat them the way they expect. I recognize your dilemma, but it is important to ensure the two way traffic. The first time a sub asked me to pussywhip her, hard, I had a hard time doing that, but to me that is all part of learning how others tick, you gotta go there before you can say "no".

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RE: S&M...without the S - 2/12/2008 8:05:28 AM

chamberqueen

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I am not sadistic by nature (though my humor sometimes is) but I found that wanting to make my sub's dreams come true was enough to allow me to inflict severe pain. I worked up to it throughout the session, checking carefully throughout to make sure no skin was broken and how their spirit seemed.

Having them count aloud is a good double check. You can tell by their voice if they are ready to cry or are losing control. I can take a hit without making a sound but it will tell in my voice if I have to count out loud.

You are still being a caretaker, just in a deeper sense. This way you touch them spiritually as you touch their body and their mind.

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RE: S&M...without the S - 2/12/2008 10:15:24 AM

Skully7000

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i've overcome the overprotective part except when it comes to makeing girls cry. that is still when I falter(lighten up) ...though i have yet to negotiate before hand that crying would be acceptable/desirable/the goal/ect.

so yeah I have play partners who get wet when I shove needles into there chest. growl when I claw there back.... so that is no problem. i'm still a sucker for tears... but i'm working on it.

Cheers
Skully

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