CalliopePurple
Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline
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perverseangelic has already seen this, since it was posted in my LJ (I'm just editing it a bit), but I figure that everyone else here should know why I won't be on as much as I once was.
Everything started Tuesday, woke up around 6 AM. Stayed up until just before noon and ended up falling back to sleep until 5 PM. Woke up to being complained to about my sleeping habits. It's really not my fault that I have issues falling asleep and that - once I do manage to sleep - I typically can't stay asleep for more than a few hours at a stretch. Shortly after that, she leaves to go to a bar with a friend.
Given my lack of any possible support from my online friends since the computer was passworded because my roomie felt I wasn't spending enough time in the real world and the fact that a ton of things were going through my head - the feeling that I had let down a friend's expectations of me yet again, fear that I would end up being kicked out if I wasn't able to find a job, worry that one of the few people I trust the most in life may have wanted to shut me out and not give a rat's ass about everything going through my mind, and various other things I can't place words to - I don't think it was much of a stretch for my mind to make the decision it did. I took a dozen over the counter sleeping pills that were basically one of the ingredients in Benadryl.
That led to me getting dizzy, slightly nauseous, and experiencing auditory hallucinations for the better part of the night. I also couldn't fall asleep for quite a long while. The roller coaster of emotions known as my life had hit a new low.
Next morning, I still wanted to puke, the world occasionally spun around me, and I was having fairly severe asthma trouble, but I managed to physically pull myself together enough for another attempt at jobhunting. Needless to say, that didn't go too well because I felt like shit and I didn't exactly have the motivation to do much of anything.
Finally stopped in a grocery store to try and see if the air conditioning would help me feel any better. Ended up asking one of the managers to call an ambulance because I jusr couldn't breathe. At the ER, I was treated for the asthma issues and admitted to the overdose. Figured that was a safer choice than going back and most likely trying again, which I told to the social worker that talked to me.
Ended up in the Stress Center, the name for the inpatient psych unit, and was there until Friday afternoon. My serious depressive episodes never last long, so I just needed somewhere safe and supervised to stay to ride it out. Nothing really worth noting about, other than the fact that nurses hate drawing blood from me.
I took a shower and cried a lot, then sat on the couch until I decided to join her over here for some Capcom vs. SNK on the PS2. Ended up getting fairly intoxicated as a result.
Please don't comment just to tell me how fucking stupid I was - I know I was stupid and it's not going to happen again. I just need an indefinite amount of time to try and sort out things in my head and try to get to the point where I'm both more capable of dealing with reality and comfortable being in it as opposed to the world of the Internet, video games, and fanfiction.
Wish me luck and send me all the good thoughts/prayers/whatever the fuck you believe in that you can spare. I'm going to need it even though I was just reassured that I'm not liked or cared about any less and that I will get friendly help to deal with my fears.
_____________________________
Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.
Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute
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