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Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 9:50:18 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		After the "summer of vanilla" that we experienced due to our move and the subsequent visitors this weekend was the first time we've been able to attend a lifestyle function in a long time. We attended an "Insight" at the Lair in LA. Unlike some group meetings where the closest you get to discussing lifestyle issues is whether blue cheese is a "hard limit" on your buffalo wings; this gathering drew about 50 people active or desiring to be active in the lifestyle.

The guest presenters were the 2005 Southwest Master/slave, Guardian & sugar. Fantastic people who live as M/s 24/7. What is even more impressive is that sugar is confined to a wheelchair. For all who wonder and complain about trying to live 24/7 while confronted by "real world" issues, they are a model of what can be done when the desire is there and when being a slave or Master is more than a part of you, but is you! The first time we met them was at the Munch we attended in Las Vegas as part of the "unofficial" CM Group get-together. We've had a few great conversations with them and look forward to seeing them again at Folsom.

The subject came up regarding service. As a result of her trauma there was an adjustment period of their relationship. Guardian became more a caregiver to sugar especially at the beginning of her recovery. What little service sugar could provide was nowhere near the level preceding the event. Physical play was difficult, if not impossible. They survived by adapting. But one aspect of their adapting hit home with me.

Guardian, was always concerned about sugar's condition. So much so, that he stopped allowing her to serve him. He saw her struggles and his compassion made it difficult for him to resume the role as a Master being served by his slave. Not just in the scene situations but in the every day routine protocol and rituals which define and separate 24/7 from scenes or sessions.

Of course this caused a problem for both of them. Their core desires and essence of what they sought in a relationship still existed in both of them. Their respective identity of Master/slave was just as strong. I don't think any of us can imagine what it would be like. Through communication they realized that although some of the physical aspects had to be amended, the foundation, the SERVICE and the ACCEPTING of service, was still the core of what they are. That foundation was used to make them stronger now then what they were before the injury.

Sometimes, many of the things that beth does as part of her service create a dilemma and conflict for me. I was brought up to respect woman, and be polite; to help clear dishes, to get my own iced tea. On the physical side, for the first 20+ years of my lifestyle existence, I had partners agree to accept some of the things I wanted to do in sessions, but they always seemed accommodating. Frequently the reason the relationship failed was because I'd hear from them; "when you said 24/7 I didn't think you meant you would want to do this ALL the time, in EVERY aspect of the relationship!".

So with beth, even after almost three years, there has always been some level of skepticism. After going through Guardian's and sugars presentation, I know that the Master has to be willing to accept service as well as expecting it. It's a factor of Trust. A Master must trust that his slave is being fulfilled by service and not look for any hidden motive, or agenda. There were 3 other lifestyle couples in the room brought to tears by the story who shared this experience. The Doms in these instance were incapacitated in some way and unable to perform many of the physical aspects they had shared with their slaves in the past. Universally it didn't matter to the slaves. They still wanted to serve! It didn't matter that because of arthritis the Mistress couldn't hit him with the flogger as strong as she used to. It didn't matter that the Master's stamina had waned. It was the Master/Mistress who thought that without the physical they weren't holding up their end of the relationship and had a big problem in just accepting service. I discovered that I needed to work on that aspect of trust. Trusting that beth's service wasn't the result of fear of punishment or desire for reward. It is service because it is her core to serve, as it is my core to dominate. My maintaining "levels of performance" is not important to her. It's the foundation dynamic of our relationship that will keep us together long term. I found the discussion very enlightening and educational. After all, no matter how strong and healthy we are now, if any of us are in a long term relationship, we will come to this stage of our lives at some point or another.

This long winded purge of feelings was documented to ask the question. Do any of you Masters/Mistresses, Tops, Doms have issues with accepting service? From the slaves/subs perspective, do any of you feel your Master/Mistress, Dom/me; questions or doubts the sincerity of your service?

Thank you again Guardian & sugar. You are truly inspirational and a model for us all!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 10:01:07 AM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline 		What an incredibly insightful post.
i look forward to the respondents.
Thank you Mercnbeth
~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 10:08:44 AM   
Elegant


Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline 		This is a subject very near and dear to our hearts...so much that we developed a Workshop called 'Are You Being Served': not a service technique seminar but a workship targeted towards the D-type persons. (Workshop description: Many people say that it is better to give than to receive. It is equally as important to know how to receive especially when receiving service from a submissive or slave. Using role-play, humor, discussion and historical references this workshop focuses on the importance of service, on aspects of receiving service without falling on your face in embarrassment….and how to show appreciation for service received. Note: This class subject is targeted for Tops and is not a service technique workshop. )

Slaves have the need to serve and that they are pretty unique in this society where service is so often looked down on in general. The ability to accept that level of service with comfortable appreciation is a quality that makes Masters equally unique.

In general people in the US are pretty uncomfortable letting others work for us while we accept service. It runs contrary to our “all men are created equal” philosophy. So the first step in accepting service with grace and appreciation is to divest ourselves of the thought that service makes someone less than the person receiving the service. We do that in the areas of professional services such as doctors and lawyers, why should we have a different view of the server who provides us with a beautiful dinning experience, a bootblacking, cleaning the basement, managing our email or laying out our clothing for the day.

Three major points to remember:
1. Value service because it saves you the time and effort of doing it yourself.

2. Value any service for the decadent pleasure of being served and being served well.

3. Accept service with grace and appreciation


There are many kinds of service, each one will have it’s own protocols and reasons for them. In almost all of them the dominant places himself in the capable hands of their service people, it is an interesting reversal of the power current, it takes a person ultimately secure in their position to accept that reversal with the dignity it deserves.

Regards In Leather,
Elegant
~Slave to Master Archer
~Southeast Bootblack 2005

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 10:08:56 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
This long winded purge of feelings was documented to ask the question. Do any of you Masters/Mistresses, Tops, Doms have issues with accepting service?

One of my odd quirks is that I adore getting attention and yet arely understand what to do with it if it's focused on me and all eyes are towards me. It's a common thing for subs to feel uncomfortable when being pampered, but I was surprised when it happened while I was engaged as a top in the situation with two or more males right there at my beck and call. It's more like "Whoa, what did I do to deserve this?"

But, you just have to straighten your back, recognize what you can and can't do, make sure you let THEM know that and enjoy the dynamic you have together.

quote:

From the slaves/subs perspective, do any of you feel your Master/Mistress, Dom/me; questions or doubts the sincerity of your service?

No I don't think the Owner questions it at all.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 10:17:01 AM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I do have trouble accepting service at times. Mainly, it's due to the fact that I'm very independent and have been alone (even while married) my whole life. I've just learned to do it all for myself; If I didn't, no one else would. Of course, this isn't true when you have those who wish to serve in your life. I'm getting better. :-)

As an example of my struggle: I've recently had a girl come into my life who is very service oriented. This doesn't mean we don't scene and what not, but that she enjoys service for service's sake. I had her clean my house last week. Asking her to do that was REALLY hard for me; I've asked for help before, but I've never just handed over the task. It was also hard for me not to trust that she did it decently. I could see that she did, but there was a part of me that wanted to know that she did it "just so". It doesn't have to be "just so" right now. One step at a time.

Thanks for the topic, Merc...even though my slant was slightly different than Guardian and sugar's (I agree, a wonderful couple!).

Fire



_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 12:43:54 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Yes I recall seeing Master Guardian and slave sugar at Southplains Leatherfest I saw their inteview for the contest and they impressed me not only in the interview but in their general presense that weekend. We even bought one of their auction baskets.

Merc isn't that lingering question about why they do it a bitch, LOL?
People talk about how energy flow in a SM scene is flowing both directions and that makes it so complete all the time, but occassionally someone will talk about closing the system of service, "I ask it gets done", vs "I ask it gets done I accept that it's done and show that and they accept the appreciation." The circle of energy continues much longer with the later and I guess some people take longer to get that than others.

You mention another problem many people have and it's a very fine line the questio of accepting service and actually allowing them the ability to do it for you without taking part of it back. Hard sometimes to not help them even when it is something they really want to do for you. Which of course needs to be ballanced with the idea of asking them to do too much while we just sit, or do something else. As much as a slave or service oriented person might like it to be otherwise they have limits, not the kind people normally speak of but limits such as 24 hrs in a day, only being able to work 23 of those for a week or so, LOL. and a few other limitations such as many have the habit of working till they have almost burned themselves out and a few even work beyond that and develope mental stress to dangerous level for their health.

Finding the ballance between when to help and when to allow them to finish their service is a tough thing to do as an Owner. But I find if you look at daily service as a macro of a SM scene microcosim it helps. Didn't we all hear that there were lessons to be learned from SM scenes that we wouldn't see until years later? I believe this is one such lesson.
It is all about pacing, pacing the speed of a scene pacing the service you recieve.

But anyhow this is a subject I am so glad you brought up Merc it is tough to recieve service for many of us, for various reasons, so don't feel too alone on the matter.


In Leather

Archer


(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 2:05:46 PM   
pat512


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressFire70

As an example of my struggle: I've recently had a girl come into my life who is very service oriented. This doesn't mean we don't scene and what not, but that she enjoys service for service's sake. I had her clean my house last week. Asking her to do that was REALLY hard for me; I've asked for help before, but I've never just handed over the task. It was also hard for me not to trust that she did it decently. I could see that she did, but there was a part of me that wanted to know that she did it "just so". It doesn't have to be "just so" right now. One step at a time.



Good evening, Ma'am.

Now if only she'd get a job closer to You so You two could practice! (or closer to me, but that's not much help for the topic ;-) )

Yours,

_____________________________

Master Fire's pat

(in reply to MistressFire70)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 2:13:18 PM   
anopheles


Posts: 241
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline 		Mercnbeth:

Eerie coincidence, I was about to start a post that basically said the same general thing that you did:

As a Dominant, is it ever hard to accept the service of your submissive?

For me, sometimes it's very hard. For me, I think it's because I don't really understand the submissive mind. I don't have one, and I don't "get" that mindset. I would be a dreadful submissive, because I would top from the bottom CONSTANTLY. So when I give my Luvdragon a task, or refer to her in the way that I want, and not the way that she would choose for herself if given a choice, sometimes I am mind blown by the fact that she will actually do what I tell her. she has difficulty accepting some of the things that I do or that I require of her, mainly because of the long length of our vanilla relationship, but I have never had occassion to question her sincerity. I manily worry that maybe i'm going too far...

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to pat512)
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RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 2:54:57 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		What a great post!

I too was raised to respect and help a woman. I was always told, "A man must toil from dusk to dawn, but a woman's work is never done." Sometimes I find it VERY hard to restrain myself and let my Sub serve when I feel lazy by sitting there and not helping her. She always says it's okay, but it still bothers me some.

You made another very good point though. From now on I will be more appreciative of her labors and make it a point to tell her so.

< Message edited by OscarHargraves -- 9/5/2005 2:56:23 PM >

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 4:31:25 PM   
softandshy


Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline 		Hmmm, i will admit that this post has been a surprise for me. i have noticed hesitation to accept service in the Mistress but always believed it was something i had done to displease Her.

Thank you Merc and beth

_____________________________

Happy "Swamp Thing"

(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 7:11:35 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for the inspirational and thought-provoking post...as always.

I did have a dominant who felt he was being a selfish chauvanist when I served him. I finally was able to help him accept it (a bit) by explaining that it isn't the service that is fulfilling, but the consequences of that service...

I believe my exact words were:

It's not carrying a glass of water that turn me on or fulfills me, it's knowing that I have made you a little more comfortable, or a little happier, by my actions. It's knowing that I am strong enough to put my ego aside and put another human being first. That makes me feel good about myself. Your acceptance of the service is the part that makes it work. That's not selfish in the least.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 7:52:06 PM   
LadyJC


Posts: 111
Joined: 5/18/2005
Status: offline 		I find it extremely difficult to allow a sub serve me. Although I do find it gratifying and a slight mental turn on when they do without whining or complaining of course.
However, I'm one of those people who have a hard time to just sit down and relax when I know there's things that need to be done. (Ok not totally true I hate cleaning windows, mopping and doing dishes) However general every day things I feel I have to do myself. I'm the type of person who opens my own doors, gets my own pop, and when I'm feeling particularly energetic in the morning make my own cup of coffee. Maybe this is because I never had anyone to offer to clean for me without strings attached. Or without complaining about it. I was also single for three years, and some stuff I'm extremely picky with. Like my laundry I've had many pairs of underwear dyed pink by my dad so I think it's kind of a brainwashed thing that men can't do laundry. Every time my father did it, he'd do it wrong, dye something some colour or whatever. I don't want my clothes to get ruined.
I thought maybe this didn't make me a Dom, or I was too independent to be a Dom but then I realized having a D/s relationship is like any other just with extra stuff added in.
I've found since I've been reading here some enlightenment and some extra education, a person should never stop learning, but right now even though I've been active in the lifestyle for 2 years I feel I've only scraped the surface. Thanks.
Lady JC

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 7:58:26 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

After the "summer of vanilla" that we experienced due to our move and the subsequent visitors this weekend was the first time we've been able to attend a lifestyle function in a long time. We attended an "Insight" at the Lair in LA. Unlike some group meetings where the closest you get to discussing lifestyle issues is whether blue cheese is a "hard limit" on your buffalo wings; this gathering drew about 50 people active or desiring to be active in the lifestyle.

The guest presenters were the 2005 Southwest Master/slave, Guardian & sugar. Fantastic people who live as M/s 24/7. What is even more impressive is that sugar is confined to a wheelchair. For all who wonder and complain about trying to live 24/7 while confronted by "real world" issues, they are a model of what can be done when the desire is there and when being a slave or Master is more than a part of you, but is you! The first time we met them was at the Munch we attended in Las Vegas as part of the "unofficial" CM Group get-together. We've had a few great conversations with them and look forward to seeing them again at Folsom.

The subject came up regarding service. As a result of her trauma there was an adjustment period of their relationship. Guardian became more a caregiver to sugar especially at the beginning of her recovery. What little service sugar could provide was nowhere near the level preceding the event. Physical play was difficult, if not impossible. They survived by adapting. But one aspect of their adapting hit home with me.

Guardian, was always concerned about sugar's condition. So much so, that he stopped allowing her to serve him. He saw her struggles and his compassion made it difficult for him to resume the role as a Master being served by his slave. Not just in the scene situations but in the every day routine protocol and rituals which define and separate 24/7 from scenes or sessions.

Of course this caused a problem for both of them. Their core desires and essence of what they sought in a relationship still existed in both of them. Their respective identity of Master/slave was just as strong. I don't think any of us can imagine what it would be like. Through communication they realized that although some of the physical aspects had to be amended, the foundation, the SERVICE and the ACCEPTING of service, was still the core of what they are. That foundation was used to make them stronger now then what they were before the injury.

Sometimes, many of the things that beth does as part of her service create a dilemma and conflict for me. I was brought up to respect woman, and be polite; to help clear dishes, to get my own iced tea. On the physical side, for the first 20+ years of my lifestyle existence, I had partners agree to accept some of the things I wanted to do in sessions, but they always seemed accommodating. Frequently the reason the relationship failed was because I'd hear from them; "when you said 24/7 I didn't think you meant you would want to do this ALL the time, in EVERY aspect of the relationship!".

So with beth, even after almost three years, there has always been some level of skepticism. After going through Guardian's and sugars presentation, I know that the Master has to be willing to accept service as well as expecting it. It's a factor of Trust. A Master must trust that his slave is being fulfilled by service and not look for any hidden motive, or agenda. There were 3 other lifestyle couples in the room brought to tears by the story who shared this experience. The Doms in these instance were incapacitated in some way and unable to perform many of the physical aspects they had shared with their slaves in the past. Universally it didn't matter to the slaves. They still wanted to serve! It didn't matter that because of arthritis the Mistress couldn't hit him with the flogger as strong as she used to. It didn't matter that the Master's stamina had waned. It was the Master/Mistress who thought that without the physical they weren't holding up their end of the relationship and had a big problem in just accepting service. I discovered that I needed to work on that aspect of trust. Trusting that beth's service wasn't the result of fear of punishment or desire for reward. It is service because it is her core to serve, as it is my core to dominate. My maintaining "levels of performance" is not important to her. It's the foundation dynamic of our relationship that will keep us together long term. I found the discussion very enlightening and educational. After all, no matter how strong and healthy we are now, if any of us are in a long term relationship, we will come to this stage of our lives at some point or another.

This long winded purge of feelings was documented to ask the question. Do any of you Masters/Mistresses, Tops, Doms have issues with accepting service? From the slaves/subs perspective, do any of you feel your Master/Mistress, Dom/me; questions or doubts the sincerity of your service?

Thank you again Guardian & sugar. You are truly inspirational and a model for us all!


My Master is disabled (renal failure and diabetes) and at times is very tired and has been ill a lot. He admits sometimes that this is not the life He wanted for us when I moved here 19 months ago. However I love Him so very much and anything I do for Him is just part of who I am.

I know how much I am loved and appreciated. It doesn't matter that sometimes He is too tired to play, or that He cannot hold an erection as He used to do. We adapt our play then to perhaps me putting on a show with toys (and not being allowed to orgasm until permitted) or a simple blowjob with me lying facing Him (He is able to reach my butt with a longish riding crop and can inflict quite a sting!).

No matter what He is still my Dom.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 11:38:50 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I don't think that master doubts the sincerity of my service. However, I noticed, when we were starting out, that he was more than a bit leery of doing certain things because he was afraid he would hurt me too badly. Basic things, like spanking, caused him quite a bit of anxiety. Fortunately, we're beyond it, and spanking hard. (Sorry about that. I couldn't resist).

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Accepting Service - 9/5/2005 11:42:52 PM   
MsPurrmeow


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Do any of you Masters/Mistresses, Tops, Doms have issues with accepting service?


Absolutely. It's an ongoing challenge for me. I know I deserve it, and I know that a submissive or slave gets their own reward from making my life easier, but it's still complicated.

After much long and hard processing inside my head, I've come to understand that this issue is tied in directly with my own problems with Trust. I need to spend a lot of time with a partner NOT doing any form of service in order to build Trust. I need to be assured that their service comes from a very grounded place inside themselves. I need to be sure that they know who and where they are and that it's not likely to change anytime soon.

I'm an INTJ. I think of things in black and white, not usually shades of gray. If I turn over a task to another person, I need to have close to 100% assurance that they will not back out, leave, or use it as a manipulation. It does cause frustration quite often in submissives I spend time with, but it's a matter of control for me. I need to be in control of myself, and not giving up a task until I'm sure it's in safe hands is part of that. Control and D/s is more to me than simple hedonism. I can do my own pedicure a lot easier than I can let someone else touch my body without their heart and soul really in it.

Thanks Merc, this was a lovely way to bring up a difficult topic.

Purr

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Accepting Service - 9/6/2005 5:44:16 AM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

do any of you feel your Mistress, Dom/me; questions or doubts the sincerity of your service?


=========
no. She does not question, my service. there are more times when i question myself because of the moments i am not in-the-mood to do something.

wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Accepting Service - 9/6/2005 7:21:17 AM   
subcheryl


Posts: 280
Joined: 11/2/2004
Status: offline 		I am a submissive and a Daddy's Littlegirl, sometimes I think Master does have a hard time excepting my service to him, and I get frustrated when I see him doing something I know I can do, and request to do it and He says no that is ok, (like when I first moved in here with him he would not let me do the laundry) now he allows me to do that and also to shop alone for groceries, he is finding out that it first saves time, second I am extremely happy to be doing these things, (I hated grocery shopping with him, or going to walmart with him, it was like running a marathon, and we weren't saving any money because he was in too much of a hurry) I find it hard to except anything that he does for me, to me, him supporting me during the time I have struggled to find employment, both emotionally and financially, is more than enough, but he enjoys doing things for me, we have yet to fully find the comfort of excepting any kind of kind gesture from each other, we can at times and at others not, but we have been together now going on nine months, so we are basically newbies in this relationship of ours and hopefully with the building of the trust foundation, the respect aspect of our relationship and all, we will acheive a harmonious relationship of give and take. Mernbeth just love your postings and hope to hear more often from you both, thank you for this thread as it helped me see things in a different light.

(in reply to lonewolf05)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Accepting Service - 9/6/2005 8:17:51 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		Excellent topic Merc, thank you :)

While some of the men have referred to growing up learning to respect women etc as being a possible source of their difficulty in been served, as a female I had the opposite...that of learning domestic service to men, that learn to be a good wife kind of mentality...the father head of the household model was compounded by the fact I have 9! older brothers...so there were a lot of men to fetch and carry for! It does not suprise me I grew up with a desire to push men around lol ;) j/k... luckily men doing my bidding seems to come about naturally and god love em one and all ;)

But yes I too suffer from being served guilt...perhaps not guilt, maybe its more an anxiety that my request might be thought of as silly or over the top, or one request too much... I even questioned will it make me lazy?? Then one day it hit me...I would be remiss to not give them the opportunity to serve...after all that is at the core of them all...to be of use. Subs' can not be effective if we doms are indecisive (lacklustre?) within our own roles.

For myself part of that was to accept that as a dom, old ingrained and learned beliefs contary to what I now know about needs and nuainces (sp?) of domination and submission, needed to change. A component of that was to make the mental shift from thinking of myself as a 'dominant' who dominated people...to 'someone' who controlled people.

Possibly pedantics but 'control' implies an "authority or ability to manage or direct" that for me feels a more natural and befitting description of the consenuality in d/s and structure subs crave.

This mental shift made it easier for me to accept and allow a greater level of service from subs. It also made me more aware of how easily an opportunity to 'serve' can be created, arranged, whatever...and that 'too serve' doesn't have to be some great elabourate affair. Putting out my garbage bags on rubbish day was the answer for one sub whose opportunity to be 'of service' was limited...yet every garbage day he arrived at my back door, willing and eager to be of use.

Cin said it beautifully above.

"[our] acceptance of the service is the part that makes it work."




_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


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(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Accepting Service - 9/6/2005 11:15:35 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		It took a great amount of self discipline not to respond and/or comment to just about every post. It was interesting to see how the feelings that I had concerning this subject were shared by others. It just goes to show, no matter how strange or weird you think your thoughts or feelings are - they are NOT unique. It's also amazing that this thought goes through the heads of both Masters and slaves.

The fact that this thread may have generated some communication between people and ultimately a deeper understanding of the relationship is again a testament to Guardian and sugar's sharing their life experience in their presentation. I realize that not every can attend these type of presentations. If you can you should attend. No matter what your experience level it's important to commune in the community. This subject may not be as exciting as the correct way to use a flogger or single-tail, and definitely not as controversial as the definition of sub/slave; but for those in or seeking long term relationships it is profound.

I've learned that when we define ourselves as "Master" we should not be so private with our thoughts and emotions. It doesn't indicate self doubt. Honest regular discussions between a Master and slave are not a luxury but a necessity. We've asked and demanded that slaves Trust us, it's also incumbent for us to Trust them. Having that conversation can do nothing but deepen the relationship, and build confidence. Self confidence for the Master, and confidence in the Master by the slave.

This other thought came to mind over the weekend. We often address session "after-care". I think it is a critical part of session and no session is complete without some consideration given to after-care. It's an important part in any session I have with beth. I'm realizing that it's has always been just as important for me as it's been for her, I just didn't think of it that way.

I'd like to respond to some of the things brought up.

quote:

Archer re Guardian & sugar: "Merc isn't that lingering question about why they do it a bitch?"
Archer, I think the answer is that they can't NOT do it. You've seen them, would they be complete without each other? We can't wait to spend some more time with them at Folsom.

quote:

Fire: Mainly, it's due to the fact that I'm very independent and have been alone (even while married) my whole life. I've just learned to do it all for myself; If I didn't, no one else would.
Being an only child, as well as being burned at prior attempts at a lifestyle relationship I too have these feelings. I also felt that if anyone was doing something for me - they had a personal agenda. I would spend an inordinate amount of thought and energy regarding the challenge to determine what it was! beth's let me know that I am her agenda. I have to learn to live with that!

quote:

soft­: i have noticed hesitation to accept service in the Mistress but always believed it was something i had done to displease Her.
EVERY sub/slave in attendance at Guardian and sugar's presentation acknowledged this exact thought and said that they had experienced it. I hope you have the opportunity to discuss this with your Mistress.

quote:

Cin: I did have a dominant who felt he was being a selfish chauvinist when I served him.
Damn I can relate to that! But truth be know, I still open car doors for beth, and just this morning I brought her a rose from the garden. Every so often it doesn't hurt for a Master to act upon those desires to be chivalrous.

quote:

Rayne 58: He admits sometimes that this is not the life He wanted for us when I moved here 19 months ago. However I love Him so very much and anything I do for Him is just part of who I am.
He should take solace that although the presentation was given from the perspective of a handicapped slave, there were 3 Masters/Mistresses in the audience, handicapped in some way, who were in one case literally moved to tears when their slave's acknowledged to them exactly what you said.

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Accepting Service - 9/6/2005 3:10:24 PM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		I don't view it as me providing a service, I view it as a priviledge to be owned by Him and also a priveledge to be allowed to do things that please Him.

I kind of feel I am not understanding your question but I have seen girls get into huge cat-fights over being the one to do something a Master found pleasing.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 20
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