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reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/5/2005 7:49:42 PM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		my apologies if these chats are intended for submissives without Masters/Mistresses or vice versa.

i have been with my fiance for almost 2 years (engaged for 8 months). When we first met He was the dominant man i had been latently looking for. Wwe played and tried new things, i wore His collar (please don't focus this on the ethics of collar-wearing, i am well aware of the debates).

However, things have gone down hill from there. Wwe tried puppy play once, and i never felt like such an unloved puppy in my life. Gradually our playing has faded off, rather than grown stronger, and i have missed it desperately for months. Occassionally it comes out again in the bedroom and i feel again the love a submissive/slave (like i said, i am not sure where i am at) has for her Master.

The other aspects of our life seem to be as normal and good as they could be. We are both busy with work and me with school (which is not somethng i want to give up). i am more than willing to make an effort, and we have talked about renewing our Master/submissive aspect of our relationship, but little has come of it.

Does Aanyone have any suggestions as to how i might help to rekindle this aspect of Oour relationship? i love my Master and do not just want to give up on us. i am persuing some counseling on my own but sometimes it is hard to get a good perspective that isn't biased to someone not openminded about certain things.

thank You/you all

petwolf22
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/5/2005 8:46:11 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petwolf22
i am persuing some counseling on my own but sometimes it is hard to get a good perspective that isn't biased to someone not openminded about certain things.

First and foremost, what has your dom said? What do you both feel is the reason for this to be occurring? Does he want to change? Does he see there being something wrong?

It's good that you've talked some, but why not make things concrete? Put down in writing, make plans for what you want to do, be specific. It might feel a little awkward at first, but hopefully you can stretch your muscles and get back into things. If you want you can try and jump start by taking a kinky vacation together.

Mostly you just need to be in sync with eachother, you both have to be moving forward or resentments will arise.

(in reply to petwolf22)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/5/2005 9:02:08 PM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		thank you for replying.

i have written my feelings down in letters to Him and we have spoken about it on several occassions. He now replies to me that we've talked about it before and He doesn't see the purpose of getting into it again--its just something that we don't have the time to think about right now.

i am hoping the counseling will give me some new ways of communicating with Him and i hope to eventually bring Him in together. i was thinking about planning an evening or a couple of hours where i can serve His every need, and perhaps help Him remember what we are both missing, but i am terrified of the disappointment. Even if i get Him on a day where He is receptive to the idea but tired from work or some other thing, i will not know how to react other than to be disappointed.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/5/2005 9:10:22 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petwolf22
i have written my feelings down in letters to Him and we have spoken about it on several occassions. He now replies to me that we've talked about it before and He doesn't see the purpose of getting into it again--its just something that we don't have the time to think about right now.

That's the issue mostly right there. Do you agree about the time not to think about it? If so, then you can wait a month or so. If not, have another discussion with some solutions you have about how it doesn't take time. Submission and domination isn't about taking 2 hours a week to play necessarily, it can be kinky phone calls, it can be kneeling watching telly together, it can be cooking naked (but never bacon!), anything that you already do can have a new kinky twist added to it. More than anything, him telling you "I love you and you're my bitch" doesn't take any longer than it does now.

But make sure you go with solutions and ideas so he can respond to something concretely.

quote:

i was thinking about planning an evening or a couple of hours where i can serve His every need, and perhaps help Him remember what we are both missing, but i am terrified of the disappointment. Even if i get Him on a day where He is receptive to the idea but tired from work or some other thing, i will not know how to react other than to be disappointed.

The only way to not be disappointed is to not get your hopes up and have expectations. If you HONESTLY can serve and get pleasure from the service in and of itself, then its worth a go. HOWEVER, if you're not sure you can do that, if you think his reaction might cause you disappointment, then don't do it. It would only make you feel bad, leave him confused and upset and possibly annoyed, and not get you what you really want in the end.

Good luck, and good for the therapy, hope you both can go together.

(in reply to petwolf22)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/6/2005 4:31:32 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petwolf22
i have written my feelings down in letters to Him and we have spoken about it on several occassions. He now replies to me that we've talked about it before and He doesn't see the purpose of getting into it again--its just something that we don't have the time to think about right now.


This is why I feel that "time outs" are needed in dominant submissive relationships. Sometimes a submissive just has to shift out of the submissive mind frame and say "Hey, Charlie, something is wrong here and we NEED to talk.

Libby and I have gone though some pretty busy times but I there has never been, and I can't imagine a time where, there wouldn't be time to think about our relationship. Just what in the world can be THAT important?
quote]

i am hoping the counseling will give me some new ways of communicating with Him and i hope to eventually bring Him in together. i was thinking about planning an evening or a couple of hours where i can serve His every need, and perhaps help Him remember what we are both missing, but i am terrified of the disappointment. Even if i get Him on a day where He is receptive to the idea but tired from work or some other thing, i will not know how to react other than to be disappointed.


Counseling can be a good thing, but in the situation you describe, it's something you both really have to take part in.

One thing that Libby and I did was to agree that every day, we would play a bit even if it was only an exchange of worlds and we'd never go to sleep without both of us at least trying to give the other an orgasm. We haven't been fully faithful to that. After my heart attack, the hospital told me that I couldn't "have sex" (which meant no orgasms) for ten days. I got my doctor to cut that down to seven. When Libby broke her arm, we had to lay off the orgasms for almost a month, but each day we played a bit even if I was only me running a knife over her back and telling her "when you are better" stories.

It does take work... both have to work


_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to petwolf22)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/6/2005 7:28:05 AM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		All good advice so far. I especially agree with JW that there are times when a Dom and Sub need to talk on an equal plane. Talking, as in real communication, is the best way to get to a problem and maybe settle it.

You mentioned that you are getting some counseling. What about him? Does he know you're going and is he willing to go too? Either seperately or together?

The other perspective on this is really pretty simple. It SOUNDS like this man was only interested in a little kinky sex and wanted to try out some BDSM fantasies. After he tried them and found he didn't really like them very often, he reverted to his 'real' self and a vanilla lifestyle. Again, if this is the case, you need to TALK to him and determine what has happened and where he expects this relationship to go now.

Good luck. I hope this works out for the both of you.

< Message edited by OscarHargraves -- 9/6/2005 7:29:16 AM >

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to petwolf22)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/6/2005 7:59:07 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I'll give you another perspective to ponder.

Master and I were platonic friends for years before we dated, so we knew each other pretty well. He is known as a hard assed sadist. Before we dated, I had seen him play with his submissive at the time. It was hardcore.

When we did start dating things moved very quickly due to our past relationship. He knew that I cannot play on the level that he does, but I do have masochistic tendencies. We became engaged within a few months and married a year after that. And within a month of getting married the play stopped.

I was frantic. I couldn't figure out why he was no longer wanting to play with me. I worried about other women. Checked myself in the mirror for gray hairs and wrinkles. Thinking that our marriage had some serious issues within weeks, I screwed up the courage to talk to him about it.

I was very surprised at the response I got. He was having a very hard time resolving the amount of love, protection and care he felt for me with the desire to play and cause pain. It took some time to work it through, but in the end it was easier after we talked because I knew and he didn't feel the pressured about it any longer. We eventually got it back on track.


So, there's a number of possibilities. The best thing to do is sit down and have a serious talk.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to OscarHargraves)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/8/2005 7:46:36 PM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		i know that is a part of it. His dad was abusive when He was small and it is hard for Him to understand that bawling on the bed is a very content time for me (under the right circumstances, anyway). He is also bipolar, and some of his depressions keep him from wanting to do a lot of things, being dominant included. We both work a lot. So i can understand how things would have fallen behind between us.

The problem is that we have talked and talked, and not done anything. There is semi-agreement that something needs to be done, but somehow nothing comes of it.

i want to bring Him in eventually on the counseling. i was just trying to work through some other things (non-bdsm) that we need to work through too before i do it, that way i have my thoughts straight and can hopefully communicate things better than i have thus far. i think that being in that environment perhaps He will also listen better to what i am saying.

its not that i don't enjoy the service in and of itself, but being rejected or just ignored too much and i need some kind of response other than complete ignorance or negativity to not feel bad about myself. Just some positive response would help me to get back to the point where i can enjoy just the service in and of itself.

Sorry if i kind of jumbled several responses together here. I haven't gotten online in a couple of days.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/9/2005 12:47:08 PM   
srahfox


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		I have to agree with the whole, you need to talk about it line of thought. Without that there is nothing. Or at least to my mind there isn't. Sometimes there is something wrong and it's just really hard to pin down. Master and I had kind of a lull were we were both wondering if we weren't the person for the other. Oddly it was me playing with someone else that helped us figure it out. (Don't worry, I'm not suggesting that) He was afraid to hurt me. I don't mean hurt my body, but we had had a wierd session once were he became afraid that he would emotionally or mentally hurt me. Well me playing with someone else proved that wrong and things between Master and I are just dandy. It could be there is something wrong that he doesn't feel happy talking to you about. You both really need to take the time to talk, or if nothing else talk to someone else.

(in reply to petwolf22)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/13/2005 9:44:43 AM   
carefulsub


Posts: 32
Joined: 3/7/2005
Status: offline 		We have just gone thru this very thing. We have been together for 10 years and married for almost 5 years. I found that the outside stress of life had taken a toll on our lifestyle relationship. We sat down and really talked about what we wanted out of our lifestyle relationship, we found out thast while somethings had stayed the same others had changed quite a bit. He loves Power Exchange, I love Vulnerability. Our relationship improved greatly after defining what we each wanted and needed.

careful

(in reply to petwolf22)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/13/2005 9:55:18 AM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		i am hoping that some eventual deep conversation will help to sort things out. i was planning on a surprise night of service for his birthday tomorrow, but i caught a cold on Sunday and i am not sure if i will be up to it. i don't want to take this chance without being fully invested, and sneezing and snifling just isnt sexy while trying to serve someone his dinner.

Other than that, i am hopeful that the counseling i am in and will eventually bring him into will help us to sort out our issues (there are other things besides the D/s of our relationship). If it doesn't, I suppose I will have a decision to make.

Thanks for all Yyour tips Eeveryone.

petwolf

(in reply to carefulsub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/15/2005 4:34:22 PM   
fourpeas


Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks to everyone for this thread.

My Dom and I have been going through this as well. And I am so glad to hear several Doms saying that sometimes Doms and subs need to be able to talk on an equal plane.

Things are "all good" with us, but what I'm getting from him a lot of the time is the busy signal. the "I can't talk right now." He's been very very VERY busy for about 2 months now, and I had a hard go at it this summer while dealing with my grandfather's death.

I was having those same thoughts. Am I not good enough? Is he not interested? And then we were able to BE together and things were great. It felt right. We were in the dynamic....

And I look forward to clearing some of this up. (Tonight, I might add.) The statement I had to make was that, my submission doesn't really mean that much without someone on the other end. It's a RELATIONSHIP. (sorry for the rant there) it involves two people RELATING to one another.


Another question I have is this:

There is definitely a difference between a submissive and a Dom talking on an equal level, but then there is the issue of a submissive being forced to top from the bottom to get what he/she needs. That's something I'd also like to hear more about.

(in reply to petwolf22)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/18/2005 9:56:29 PM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		i think that "topping from the bottom" all has to do with the perspectives of the relationship. Just to have to do it at all sucks, but sometimes it can be necessary, depending on what else in the relationship is at stake. i don't want to have to do that all the time, otherwise it defeats the purpose, but in terms of helping the relationship i will do whatever it takes. i have to do the same thing with keeping the house clean and making sure the finances are taken care of...it sometimes requires a more dominant attitude on my part to make sure things are done and done well (because i can't do it all on my own, no matter how much i want to be superwoman and if i left these things up to my master they would not get done).

petwolf

(in reply to fourpeas)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/22/2005 9:23:36 PM   
julj


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2005
Status: offline 		to digress just a little ( and i apologise, but i have been struggling with an almost similar situation for some time now)......what if it's not about "reawakening" a Master, but about coming to the realisation that Master/Husband is "evolving into just "husband"?.........communication has been open, it has been discussed that some of the "needs" i have are not truly part of His nature..........with the "final analysis" being that HE is perfectly happy with me as i am..........i am everything He has ever wanted/needed................and that His ownership of me will never be in doubt ( i belong to Him.............i have never called Him anything but Master, never called Him by His given name, right from our first contact)
i have watched our Master/slave relationship slowly devolve, and by His own admittance, He does not have certain innate traits...........i now have this quandary, of knowing He is happy with me/us ..............coupled with the basic tenet of "what Master wants is what Master gets"...........so i ask myself.....who am i to question what He wants?..............i am loved, cherished, adored, taken care of as never before in my life.......i have no financial worries, my life has many positive changes................yet i feel the loss of "Master", and am not really happy with "husband"...............in an attempt to not disappoint Him, and, i guess, to not "rock the boat", i do not talk as much now about my feelings about how things have changed................i accept i cannot "change" Him ( nor do i want to, or have the right to).........He is happy ( surely, the ultimate "goal" for a slave is to make her Master happy?)........and it is not in my nature to hurt ANYONE.............deliberately or otherwise.
i have rambled, i am sorry...............i just needed to voice my thoughts, and it is often easier to "speak" to strangers..........

(in reply to petwolf22)
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RE: reawakening Master's dominant side - 9/23/2005 8:25:54 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline 		OsideGirl
quote:

He was having a very hard time resolving the amount of love, protection and care he felt for me with the desire to play and cause pain.


Thanks for sharing that. Personally, I am heartbroken for that very reason and hope for resolution.

Great you worked it out :) gives one hope..

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
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