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TroubledDom -> going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 8:28:09 PM)

hello everyone, I'm a relatively experienced Dom for my age, I have a few slaves and I am quite informed on the subject. However, I recently started a relation with a vanilla ... a wonderful woman who seems to have everything I ever wished, except for the interest for BDSM. I figured that for someone like her, it wouldnt matter since she has everything I actually wished in a woman.

However, when it came to have some private fun, I had some serious uh.... "hardness" problems down there.... I didnt get impotent or anything (I tested :P), its just that I got so much into BDSM with my last relations that I seem to have been too kinkified and I have trouble going back to a normal relationship. if its not BDSM its tough to get hard anymore... anyone had the same sort of problem, and do you know how to solve that? I never thought I'd have to feel the shame of such an awkward situation ever, so I am really not informed on that sort of thing



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 8:48:51 PM)

The majority of people, once they really get active in bdsm, find they no longer can enjoy vanilla sex and can't go back to it. I, luckily, have discovered that if the emotional connection is there, I can enjoy vanilla sex still.

You can either try and introduce her to kink and see where that goes (my preference) or you can just take it slow and train your body to react to new things, which might or might not be possible.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, no more than a woman not having an orgasm is. If you feel like you can't perform well just because your cock can't get hard, I'd say use the opportunity to brush up on your hand and oral skills.



TroubledDom -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 8:56:53 PM)

yes, I have been considering introducing her to BDSM since what happened, but its quite a touchy subject in the first couple weeks of relation. I did give her an orgasm orally, but for her its extra important that she makes me feel good too, and since I chose not to mention BDSM in our first night (I never expected that problem to come out though) it felt very awkward on the "performance" side lol! though the emotional and affectionnal aspect had no problem at all lol



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 9:01:07 PM)

If you're intimate enough to have sex and want a long term situation with her, I think you're ready to have some talks and share fantasies.



Lacey123 -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 9:22:02 PM)

I havehad both vanilla and bdsm relationships. I have to admit, that with the vanilla partners I did try to slip in a little bdsm. A little bondage, a litte restraint, maybe a touch of a mind fuck. Sometimes my partners have enjoyed my "adventurousness" while other went running. I don't think you have to choose between being vanilla or into kink. You are who you are. The labels don't count. It's like falling in love...you fall in love with whoever you fall in love with. You can't predict it, you can't always control it...so enjoy it for what it is. The "change" may be difficult but it's really nothing to fear. But, then again, perhaps on not as "Hard-wired" as some other kinksters. I just want to be whoever I am (at that moment) and pleasure my partner in whatever manner. [;)] Lacey123
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

The majority of people, once they really get active in bdsm, find they no longer can enjoy vanilla sex and can't go back to it. I, luckily, have discovered that if the emotional connection is there, I can enjoy vanilla sex still.

You can either try and introduce her to kink and see where that goes (my preference) or you can just take it slow and train your body to react to new things, which might or might not be possible.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, no more than a woman not having an orgasm is. If you feel like you can't perform well just because your cock can't get hard, I'd say use the opportunity to brush up on your hand and oral skills.




SweetDommes -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 10:23:52 PM)

Honestly, because of our relationship goals overall, I don't date anyone that doesn't at least know the basics of my personal life. If I feel that I can't share them with that person, then I don't need to be dating them.

The last guy that I dated was told why I wear my necklace and the dynamics of the relationship well before our first "date." The one that is preparing to move in was told weeks before our first date (and that one was really a first date and not just a "hey, can I come over?" and ending in way too much intimacy). Both were ok with it, or it wouldn't have gone further. While I don't have to have the kink, it definitely makes my sex life more enjoyable - and with the poly situation that we have, since Holly does need the kink, it's imperitive that whoever becomes our second be at least accepting of BDSM and the D/s dynamics that we have here. Thankfully, the boy moving in has done a little, and is quite ... willing ... to try more LOL [;)]



FangsNfeet -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 10:39:24 PM)

So she only wants vanilla sex? Is there anyway you can introduce her to some blind folds and light bondage to the bed?
What about just being forcefull or more aggressive when having sex? Any chance that the two of you talk dirty? This is the women of your dreams. The one worth fighting for and having it all. Everyone wants to have there cake and be about to eat it to. She may never become a Submissive or a Slave but she can still become more kinky with you in the bedroom. It's worth a shot to introduce things to her that turn you on and that everything is ok to be taken in steps. I'm not sure how much of a Sadist you are and how much of a Masochist you would like her to be but no matter what, I'm sure you can get in enough kink to keep you aroused.

There are only 2 main risk that you take when you introduce a vanilla to the life style.

1. She says HELL NO FREAK! and leaves.

2. She would like to be a little sadistic/dominating herself causing a SWITCH relationship and such along those lines.

However it works out, communication and how you present this life style, is going to be the break or make of your relationship.

I'd introduce it this way.

1. Start with some movies that have a little kink/bondage/and such in them.
See if you can get her to start asking questions about it giving you the chance to explain and perhaps getting her to try a thing or two out.

2. Try other kinky things such as dirty talk, food/whipcream/cherries, feather tickleing, listerine strips while giving oral, biteing, scratching, and such first. Then see about aggressivness and penning her down. You never know if light spanking can become possible as well.

3. If you can get #2 started (not refering to taking a dump or scat), you can bring up "I have some rope under the bed." If the oral sex with the mint strips drives her wild as it does most women, just say "Baby, I need you to be tied down so you don't kick me." "It's for my safety and you might like it a little yourself."

After that you introduce and discuss as much as possbile. You might even get her to become a member of Collar Me.

However it goes, it's with most people that things are just to good to be true. I wish you the best in converting this lady to some kink. But try not to be to discouraged if it dosen't work. You already know that you can't be vannilla. So if she can't do anything along some kink and BDSM guidlines, you already know that 5 and 10 years down the road, you'll fill and empty spot in your life instead of fullfillment. That's only going to cause the relationship to end.

Any how, my adivice is worth trying. Best wishes and good luck.



Misstoyou -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 11:08:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TroubledDom

yes, I have been considering introducing her to BDSM since what happened, but its quite a touchy subject in the first couple weeks of relation.


I liked the "sharing fantasies" suggestion and the movies suggestion for bringing the topic to the conversation. Much more subtle than "The women I've had before you have been slaves." lol What you have to avoid at all costs (if you want to keep her) is the suggestion that she isn't stimulating enough for you, that you need more than simply her, naked, in bed.

And at the same time, you need to decide what will you do if the previous statement remains true? Because, quite frankly, I get a lot of mail from guys on this site with wives that are perfect in every way, except for kink.



NakedOnMyChain -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/5/2005 11:26:29 PM)

I fell in love with a vanilla man about a year ago. We had all kinds of lovely sex, and shortly thereafter I introduced him to the scene. He didn't seem much the type, but he took a definite liking to it. Three months ago, we were married. He's now a member of this site and very interested in the lifestyle. Sometimes people will surprise you. Don't be afraid to be open and honest about your needs.



lovingmaster45 -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/6/2005 12:18:56 AM)

quote:

hello everyone, I'm a relatively experienced Dom for my age, I have a few slaves and I am quite informed on the subject


WOW. I have been in the lifestyle a very long time and have only had one slave the entire time. That was quite enough for me and I do not wish to ever have that kind of responsibility for another human again. How do you manage to have a few? This just absolutely blows me away. Damn... you go boy.



TroubledDom -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/6/2005 4:52:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingmaster45

quote:

hello everyone, I'm a relatively experienced Dom for my age, I have a few slaves and I am quite informed on the subject


WOW. I have been in the lifestyle a very long time and have only had one slave the entire time. That was quite enough for me and I do not wish to ever have that kind of responsibility for another human again. How do you manage to have a few? This just absolutely blows me away. Damn... you go boy.


hahaha sorry I meant I HAD a few slaves, I'm not owning any slaves at the moment.



OscarHargraves -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/6/2005 7:15:19 AM)

I guess I have a unique perspective on this. I live in a vanilla marriage and play with a Sub in the BDSM world, and Yes, I too have some trouble when going back to vanilla. I find that I want to slip into the Dom role with my wife occasionally and tend to get very frustrated when it doesn't work.[:@] We have tried some bondage and she's okay with that now and then but not much else. I have to concentrate on my love for her and our relationship when we're having sex or I find the same exact problem happening.

I recommend that you SLOWLY introduce your new love to some of the things from BDSM. The key word here is 'slowly'. At least until you can monitor her reactions and see if she has any real interest. Things like tying a piece of yarn around her wrists and ankles and making her pretend she is tied to the posts of the bed. Maybe a thin scarf for a blindfold and then the 'feather treatment'. These are good ways to start. Remember to watch her reactions closely and see what excites her and what doesn't.

Oh, and if none of this turns her on and she wants to remain 'plain vanilla' then you really need to sit down and talk to her about your feelings and needs. If this doesn't change her mind then you are going to have to think long and hard about a life with this woman. I can promise you that this will be an on-going problem and create many unhappy situations if you don't.

Voice of experience here...........[8|]



spicybrains -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/6/2005 4:22:38 PM)

As a kinkster in a (nearly) vanilla relationship myself, here are my suggestions.

1) Before bringing up any kinky, ask her what her sexual fantasies are. You may find that she has kinks herself that she's not sharing with you. Not every kink falls into the range of BDSM. My partner has some fetishes and enjoys some forms of sex that are definitely kinky, but a sado-masochist he's not.

2) Get yourself "pumped" as it were, before the event. Reading something kinky, etc. makes me feel like making love, and my partner seems to appreciate it .

3) Ask her how she feels about responsible non-monogamy. If you really care for her, and want to be with her, you may be faced with a situation where you cannot get everything you need from one relationship. Assuming you can find a way to make the bedroom exciting for you, she still may, as other suggested, tend more towards a Top, or violently dislike being bound up, etc.

My relationship with my only-slightly-kinky partner works because we've negotiated ways for me to seek what I need and he cannot provide elsewhere. The BDSM community is still quite small, so finding what you want in a kinky person can be really difficult. Good luck!



LaughingDan -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/6/2005 4:36:39 PM)

I recently had a relationship with a vanilla.

Early on I mentioned that my previous relationship had been very D/s based, just so she was prepared not to freak if I behaved a bit odd inadvertently.

It would have been great if that had piqued her curiosity but sadly no...



WickedKev -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/6/2005 4:42:27 PM)

I was in the 'lifestyle' at a very young age (18) then when my first sub left me I formed a relationship with a vanilla and married her. I stayed married to her for over 20 years and yes I tried to ger her interested in the 'lifestyle' mainly because I think she was the most natural Domme I have ever met. She was 5 foot nothing and I had seen her turn 6ft GI's into quivering messes. But she had no interest in it, her upbringing was too strict and she did have issues with sex. So I gave up the 'lifestyle' and spent our time trying to 'dominate' each other. The arguements were wonderful. This lasted till she past away. Did I miss the 'lifestyle'? Hell yes, every day, would I have swapped my time with her for a life submerged in BDSM? I wouldn't have swapped a minute.



gbscloset -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/6/2005 6:20:47 PM)

When I discovered (at the age of 34) there was a name for all the things I thought about and wanted to do -- that I wasn't some sort of nympho, oversexed freak -- I had one last round dating a 'nilla. I now look back at this as Denial's Last Fling in my life. After that, I came to the realization that 'nilla hadn't worked for me in relationships prior to the age of 34 BK (Before Kink), and it sure as hell wasn't going to work AK (After Kink).

I stuck to dating only fellow kinksters from that point forward. 4 years after "discovering" the lifestyle, I married a fellow kinkster and am enjoying the relationship most of my 'nilla exes told me I could never have because it wasn't possible in the real world.

The truth wasn't that I couldn't have this relationship....it was that I couldn't have this relationship with any of my exes.



fig -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/7/2005 8:10:51 AM)

since subs are in short supply here, I've had to pull mostly from the vanilla crowd.

Each sub I've led to the dark side on their own path. start with talking about sane safe consensual, safe words in sex. dont mention bdsm or kink. This is so that she would become comfortable with her having the Power (while you have the Control) talk about trying some perhaps not usual stuff, fun stuff, spicy stuff. see if there are any ideas that she comes up with (usually not likely) and then run with it. Eventually confess that you are into kink. Give her time to research (and links) and some days to mull it over. then explain about your needs and your fears that she wont measure up (that engages her ego)

some examples of results. one girl said it wasnt for her, but is now kink friendly. one girl thought it was fine for a change. one girl came up with some situations that were "edgy" when I first talked to her about this and now runs one of the munches. The current is now being led rather blindly (heh heh) because she "trusts me". Its an exciting work in progress and a honour to accept that trust and a rare find to boot.

so the advice I can give is chill out, observe, educate without giving the game away and be prepared to accept the results, whatever they may be.

wrt your specific problem. dont shag for a day or two longer than normal. DSB (deadly sperm buildup) will take its course.



WickedKev -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/7/2005 9:14:18 AM)

Whoops wong thread...lol



srahfox -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/9/2005 1:38:05 PM)

I've actually known a few people who knew they were into Kink but married a vanilla anyway. They didn't work. They loved one anouther but that one person was always in happy. My Master and I almost broke up at one point because of something almost like that. We loved one anouther more than anything, but we didn't know why we were unhappy, why sexually we didn't mesh.
Warning, long story here.
When Master and I first got together I was really messed up. I couldn't do a lot of things. He had to make me pay for my own gas even. He took control of almost everything . Well once I was 'okay' we went into a normal everyday kind of relationship. You know totally vanilla and everything shared. Yeah, even though we loved one anouther desperately, we were both unhappy. We actually kind of stumbled into BDSM and everything started to feel... right. We couldn't be happier now.
I honestly feel you need to talk to her, try to see if you can get her interesting in at least a little of it. Other wise one day you are going to be really unhappy.



TroubledDom -> RE: going out with a vanilla (9/10/2005 10:50:33 PM)

hey there, I just wanted to say that I enjoyed you people's advices. I talked a bit about it to my girlfriend, and she had about the best reaction possible for someone who knew nothing about it. [:)] She was relieved actually, her main fear being that I'd be a bit boring in bed lol! Actually just a bit of spiced up sex that night more than made up the first clumsy evening we had together [;)]

But I'm still wondering if its possible to "dekinkify" one's libido. I do prefer having the freedom of getting hard without needing to actually Dominate my girlfriend....



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