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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 8:23:52 PM

Griswold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

I'm not sure. It would feel unfair to me. I know I'd want to be told, if I were in the mother's shoes.. at least, in a sort of relationship I'd develop. If someone didn't tell me, I'd see them as betraying my trust.

I'd want to know as well.

(It's still not your place)

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 8:40:33 PM

Maya2001

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

lusciouslips, I'm glad to hear you got involved and glad your mother didn't end up with AIDS. To everyone saying she should keep her mouth shut, what if her mother ends up with AIDS? If her father is cheating, even if he uses protection, it's likely he's engaging in unprotected oral sex.

Nothing in the messages that CL posted actually confirms that the DAD is actually having sex with the secretary, what if she went to her Mom like you suggested and accused him of cheating when maybe all he is doing is flirting with the secretary,.... what do you think it will do to Dad and mom's relationship and what is the effects going to between Dad and daughter???? yes the message is suggestive but does not necessarily mean sex is occuring. What if the Mom decides or is not ready to hear dad is possibly cheating and becomes angry instead at the daughter for accusing her father of cheating??? I have seen scenarios like this occur and it can be extremely devastating for the child to have their parents turn on them. if she absolutely feels the need to say something then it should be to her dad only

And she is not 2 to 6 years old either which would be an acceptable age to be playing with a cell phone, she is likely a teen probably in the range of !5 plus, at that age reading dads messages is no longer playing it is snooping being nosey, it would be a different story if she was playing some game on the phone but reading private messages at that age is in no way playing and she should know a whole lot better even at 13 one should no a bit about respecting privacy. , heck as far as that goes my granddaughter who is 8 years old would be getting a proper dressing down by me if I caught her on my computer opening my email or on my phone reading my messages because at that age is plenty old enough to learn about privacy just like learning at even a younger age not to walk into your parents bedroom when they are in there and the door is closed. So if she was reading personal messages chances are dad will be upset with her if she confronts him that is one of the risks she faces.

Being the mom is jealous of the secretary .......there is a chance she already knows but has chosen to stay in the marriage anyway, and finding out the daughter has found out is not going to make her feel any better if anything will make her feel like a failure for not protecting her daughter from the knowledge so will make the situation even worse

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 2/3/2008 8:42:50 PM >

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 9:27:24 PM

chellekitty

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it is my opinion that CL's friend at least needs to talk to her father about the situation, if for no other reason to get closure on the situation for herself...yes, it is her parents relationship and she has no business telling them how to work it, but at the same time their relationship does not exist inside a vacuum and it does affect those around them, especially their children...if you don't think so, talk to the children of abusive/abused parents...

as for how she should go about doing it, i have already expressed my opinion, and it is just that, an opinion...

chelle

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 9:31:35 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

lusciouslips, I'm glad to hear you got involved and glad your mother didn't end up with AIDS. To everyone saying she should keep her mouth shut, what if her mother ends up with AIDS? If her father is cheating, even if he uses protection, it's likely he's engaging in unprotected oral sex.

But I didnt tell on him. I made him tell on himself.

Yeah I think personally this approach is what most people would do and keep in mind this isn't a friend, it's her father and this will effect her and their relationship. I would say tell her to talk to her father about it personally, but I don't know her or her relationship to her parents. I would have a damn hard time talking about sex period with my mother (as an example because I do not have a living father) because of how she is.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 9:57:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Snooping or not (though snooping is wrong), I think she should go to the father and say "Hey, I found these and they really upset me." and go from there.

The dad fucked up in SOME way here and it needs to be resolved. Ignoring it won't help.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 10:19:50 PM

FangsNfeet

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Parents have to live lives as adult children live theres. It's there life and there's not much you can do.

If she just has to have answers, she should confront her father with it privatly.

It's a tough call but it's a reality that she's going to have to accept and decide how to use this knowledge to her future as to how she wants to be in a relationship and or marriage.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 10:28:24 PM

CuriousLord

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Well, looks like this'll be my suggestion, adapted for how much I think she can handle it.

She's still just barely an adult, and I'm afraid she's not developed any quicker than the average individual by this age. She's certainly a kind girl, but not very strong. This is going to end up begging the question of if she's strong enough to address this adequately.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 11:14:24 PM

AquaticSub

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She'll get stronger but you may not see it for some time. It took me awhile to get over it. I did some stupid things for stupid reasons and it took a long time to be able to trust that he wasn't lying to me at every turn.

Be there for her, but also be genuinely confident that she can handle this. It's amazing how much a help it can be to know that someone really believes you are strong enough to do something.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 11:32:21 PM

OedipusRexIt

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Everyone has their own definition of what's right and what's wrong (side note: wouldn't life be if we could all agree on those definitions?)

My definition of wrong includes interfering in other people's relationships, especially out of a desire to inflict my morality upon them. Therefore, I don't spy into anyone's cell phone or other private correspondence, nor would I, if accidentally made aware of someone's transgression, take it upon myself to reveal that information.

I have some perspective, as a child of an adulterous parent. I'm sure the person involved in this situation is hurt and feels betrayed herself, which is perhaps why she wants to punish the offending party.

Don't spy, don't judge, don't interfere. Not really your business, even if you think it is.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 3:48:47 AM

MissMorrigan

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The father fucked up in several areas. From what I understand in CL's posts, it seems the girl regularly toyed with her father's mobile when bored (with his knowledge). If that IS the case, he's made her complicit to his affairs, so to speak. Snooping is very wrong provided it is snooping, and quite often people are raised to be very open/free with their actions/belongings that privacy isn't established until boundaries are set. It seems there are none from what I gather in the OP and subsequent ones.

The girl needs to withdraw her own part in this, making it known to her father that material she has viewed has upset her, as you suggested.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Snooping or not (though snooping is wrong), I think she should go to the father and say "Hey, I found these and they really upset me." and go from there.

The dad fucked up in SOME way here and it needs to be resolved. Ignoring it won't help.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 4:46:20 AM

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The way I see it, when this woman moves out of her parents home, gets a job and pay her own bills, she will not have the time to snoop through her father's cell phone while HE is at work.
Get a life, boomarang.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 5:13:21 AM

defiantbadgirl

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According to the OP, she's barely an adult. Are you suggesting that the moment someone becomes an adult, they should move out and seek a low paying service job instead staying home and attending college?

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 6:00:18 AM

Maya2001

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

While it's true that the father may end up telling the mother if the secretary tells him, it's just as likely that both will be embarrassed and the affair will end. I think this is the best idea if the daughter wants to keep her family together. I think the secretary telling the mother is highly unlikely (unless she didn't know he was married which I seriously doubt since they are co-workers), as things could get violent. Nobody wants to spend their life always looking over their shoulder. I think following my advice is the best chance for ending the affair.

And that could be very naive thinking ... to assume that the relationship will end.

the mom already knows something because she is jealous of the secretary,   it is possible there is an affair going on and maybe the mom made dad promise to stay together for the sake of the daughter until she leaves home, what if he purposely left the pics and text there on the phone hoping the daughter would find, hoping to get caught and get it out in the open so that he can finally end the marriage instead of being trapped in it for several more years.

When a spouse is having an affair it is usually an indicator that there is problems with the relationship, getting caught is not going to resolve the underlying problems and make it happy and healthy and it could be a matter the the couple are too far apart in compatibility to ever have, more times than not getting caught ends a relationship instead of restoring it...... so the daughter revealing and confronting that she knows about will lead to divorce, in which case the poor girl if she is as weak as CL is claiming will be blaming herself for causing a divorce if things goes this route.   CL better think long and hard about whether this girl can cope with that possibility before advicing her to confront her dad with the fact she knows about the relationship

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 7:19:00 AM

LaTigresse

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Okay, here is another angle that I will approach from my own made up perspective.

I am the mother of a 28 yo son.....he is married (not now but was, pretending for the sake of storytelling here..) and has children.
I am at their house and see his cell phone sitting on the counter, get overcome by a wave of maternal snoopiness. Find a similar bit of info. What should I do? Go to my daughter-in-law and tell her I think my son is a cheating bastid good for nothing sumanabitch? I think NOT!!!

1. I don't know all the DETAILS!
2. It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS!
3. The are ADULTS, it is up to them to handle their relationship. The good, the bad, the ugly.
4. I am not a meddling person.
5. It would ruin the close relationship I have with my son. Given that I do not know for sure what is going on I am not going to take that risk.

My point is.....it is not my place as a mother to meddle in my adult son's relationship. How would any of you like it if your mother did???

We all talk about not wanting to discuss WIIWD with family members. If we cannot/feel we should not, discuss the things that make us happy in this vein, what on earth would make anyone think that we should instantly butt in when we think there might be a problem. I would just find it highly offensive if anyone came to me suggesting that my SO was cheating.

If this girl cannot mind her own business and let this go, for her own peace of mind.....yes she should probably talk to her father. In the above faux scenario I might discretely talk to my son and APPOLOGISE to him for invading his privacy. I certainly would not go to my daughter-in-law.

Now, you might say......."what if it was your daughter and you thought your son-in-law was cheating?". I would take the same path. That being said, I've never felt the slightest inclination to snoop in their private affairs. They are adults and it is none of my business. Therefor, the situation would not arrise.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 2/4/2008 7:26:55 AM >

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 7:52:41 AM

DesFIP

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Why was she snooping through his phone?

Before talking to her parents, she had better be ready for the answer. What if he says yes, he is having an affair and will continue because her mother has not been willing to engage in sex for over five years? Does she want to know that kind of detail?

Or is she just interested in knowing if he plans to sue for divorce? The point is, that she needs to figure out what exactly she wants to gain from blowing this open.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 8:05:16 AM

ottRopesandKnots

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
1. I don't know all the DETAILS!
2. It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS!
3. The are ADULTS, it is up to them to handle their relationship. The good, the bad, the ugly.
4. I am not a meddling person.
5. It would ruin the close relationship I have with my son. Given that I do not know for sure what is going on I am not going to take that risk.

My point is.....it is not my place as a mother to meddle in my adult son's relationship. How would any of you like it if your mother did???

So when it comes to family, what would you 'meddle' in? I'm just curious to see where your line is. If his wife was a heroin addict and he didn't know would you tell him? If it was an abusive relationship would you get involved? If you found out he'd been involved in a hit and run (the runner not the hitter...) would you get involved?

I see a difference between bringing a situation to light, and meddling. If you can expose the issue without taking sides, sharing the truth, but still being open minded and supportive (to both sides) as they work through the aftermath then you're not meddling (in my humble opinion). The truth tends to set me free.

I certainly don't think confronting the secretary is a very good idea, but confronting the father is probably needed at this point. I expect my parents to live up to the comittments that they've made, and be true to one another. No fair changing the rules without informing the other party.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 8:15:38 AM

LaTigresse

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Of course as in all of life, there is a huge gray area.

I would step in when I felt it was in the best interest of an innocent party(child) or someone that could not defend themself. OR, when an adult is incapable of making correct choices.....per your example of a drug addict.

However, based upon the scant info given....we must assume that the parents are both reasonably intelligent adults, with the capacity to manage their own lives.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/4/2008 8:29:54 AM

samboct

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CL

I'm going to play armchair shrink for a sec because I have a different slant on things here and you've thrown out some evidence which I think has been ignored.

1) The pop knows that his daughter plays with his cell phone. Leaving the incriminating evidence on the phone suggests that he wants his daughter to find it. This also negates the "snooping" issue. If so, then why? Three possibilities are suggested:

A) He wants to leave his wife, but doesn't have the guts to do so directly so he's using his daughter as a messenger. He could be very afraid of his wife and thus adopted this course of action.
B) He knows he's got troubles in his marriage, but actually wants to save it. He may be trying to enlist his daughter as an ally to show that he's got issues with his wife that he's been unable to resolve on his lonesome and wants his daughter's help. It's a somewhat odd way of communicating this, but it does seem to have been effective. Some families don't communicate verbally well, and the pop has shown his daughter in concrete terms that the "perfect" marriage is something of a facade. No one here is in a position to evaluate whether or not the "cheating" was warranted and really in terms of saving the marriage, it's probably largely irrelevant- as long as people agree to fix the root causes. That the pop is playing around with a secretary also suggests that he's a bit suicidal- he's chancing messing up both his home life and his career.
C) is the longshot- and the most uncomfortable. The pop is interested in his daughter and this is his way of making a play for her.

If B) is correct, then I'm not sure that talking to people separately is such a hot idea. Since it looks like her pop wants to get caught, it seems like he wants things out in the open, but he's taken a circuitous route to get there. If I had to bet, I'd lay money on option A) but on the other hand, I'm not sure that B) can be dismissed out of hand. I might brace both parents at the same time. It's quite possible that with some therapy (odds are individual will work better than couples) this marriage might yet be saved. If the pop has a depression, this may be his way of asking for help and depressed people often choose circuitous routes to their goals. The really irrevocable step is calling the lawyers.

Sam

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