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interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behaviours - 2/3/2008 10:15:25 PM

DominaJayde

Posts: 110
Joined: 12/28/2007
From: Tasmania, Australia
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This piggybacks slightly on from MistressFaye1's wonderful topic about her daughters' exploration into being a Domme, I have three UMs all definitely left home, and off doing their own thing, the youngest UM about four months ago confessed in whispered tones and with the look of someone who thought that they may get yelled at, that she was definitely a lesbian.

Personally I don't care, as long as SHE is happy and the young lady she is currently seeing makes her happy, then I am all for it, however... now we come to the sticking point, her Dad, we have been divorced over 13 years, and we usually get on well strictly speaking, but on this subject he is being totally unreasonable.

Apparantly my being a Domme is the reason that the youngest UM (21) is a lesbian, I 'exposed' her to deviant behaviours from an innapropriate age, and from this she has learned to be a lesbian.

We wont even get into the truth that I did nothing until the youngest UM had left home and gone off to college, and that the most she knew about my 'boy' at that age, was that he was a friend who needed a place to stay for a while.

I am not even remotely bisexual, I have never had an encounter with another woman, nor do I wish to, of course she knows the truth now, and isn't even remotely interested in the whole Domme thing, but her Dad is making her life a misery, telling her that therapy will cure her, and that I am an evil influence.

I have told him time and time again that being a lesbian is who you are, it's not a choice and its not something you learn you just cant osmosis lesbianism out of thin air.

I have thought of two things that can be done, either she ignores him totally which neither of us want to do, or she severely limits her leisure time with him, can anyone think of anything else?

DJ

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/3/2008 10:42:16 PM

softandshy

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Unfortunately, with someone who actively resists learning about the topic, education is going to make little difference. It also sounds as if your ex has found a great (to his mind) way of making you seem like the "bad one." i think you've hit on the two options that will leave your daughter with the most peace of mind, distance or distance combined with short periods of exposure to his misconceptions. It's miserable to have to deal with that all the time. Hopefully, he'll relax enough some day to understand that his daughter is happy with other women and focus on her joy rather than on his fear. Maybe then they can spend time together more comfortably.

Personally, i find this topic aggravating to the nth degree (nothing to do with the OP or the post, i quite understand why you'd post). i just don't get why being lesbian, or gay, or anything other than purely heterosexual is seen as such a horror or even a threat. It isn't as if you're handed an submachine gun when you come out of the closet. It's just... well, i suspect i'm preaching to the choir in going any further on this particular forum. People here should understand that different really only means different.

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/3/2008 10:55:30 PM

chiaThePet

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For myself, the environment both inside and outside the home contributed to
the behaviors I exhibit. A natural evolution as I mature however, includes
the understanding of these behaviors, and my choice in either participating or
rejecting said behaviors. I can recognize here, being that my parents divorced,
either would just as soon blame behaviors they didn't embrace as being the
blueprint ingrained of the other. Did others have a role in my appetite? But
of course. Now I choose, therefore I am responsible for my behavior.

chia* (the pet)

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/3/2008 10:57:51 PM

Aimtoplease101

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From: San Diego, California
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I tend to think that limiting her interaction with him will only exacerbate the rift, and make convince him further that you have "broken" her in someway.

My unscientific opinion is that she should remain constructively engaged with him. Make him realize that she's still the same great kid that he took to the park and who wanted to play ball with him (assuming they had a positive relationship to begin with). After a while, he'll hopefully realize that her orientation should not matter.

Good luck-- ATP

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/3/2008 11:17:52 PM

MistressFaye1

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Jayde,

I don't know if you're read my post discussing my middle daughter. She's gay. I didn't have the problem with her father that you all are. Thank goodness.

Have you all sat down and talked to him and tell him how his behavior and reactions is hurting your daughter. Remind him that she is the same person she was before he knew of her sexual orientation.

He is one of the adults that I feel needs to be the one to grow up more so than your daughter. There isn't much you can do other than talk to him and let him know how you feel.

We both know people will have negative comments and there is nothing we can do but express our viewpoints. Look at the way some people have responded to my thread and they are in the lifestyle therefore I can only imagine what a vanilla would think---so many misconceptions!

Is he still bitter about being divorced? If so, that maybe why he is acting that way. When people don't understand something, they may try to blame someone or something as the reason people are who they are.

Encourage your daughter to be patient but... remember, enough is enough. Self preservation needs to step in if her dad's treatment of her is taking a toll.

He's the one with the issue and not you or your daughter.

Faye
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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/4/2008 5:45:08 AM

Dari

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Teach her the joys of speech restrictions!

She could announce to her father, very firmly, that she loves him very much. And that a continued relationship with him is extremely important to her. But since he's having such problems with her orientation, and it's causing a rift, then she will not discuss it with him, because there's no sense in causing him further pain, which just hurts them both.

Then, if he brings it up, she changes the subject - politely, but firmly. If he continues, she ends the conversation, or leaves the situation. Once a year or so, she can bring it up and see if he's a little less rabid, but until then, she could make it a non-issue by refusing to discuss it with him. It's not ideal, but it seems like you're headed to a non-ideal situation anyway. At least this way she doesn't sever contact with him, or severely restrict contact even. And you're not the bad guy in this instance either - if she leaves a situation, or hangs up the phone, it will be because of something he has directly done, not you.

Meanwhile, she already has parental love and acceptance from you, which I'm sure helps things a lot. :)

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/4/2008 9:18:40 AM

Lashra

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She needs to explain to him that her lifestyle is not his lifestyle but she is still his daughter and he should love her no matter what. If he cannot accept this then I would say she will need to limit her time with him, but inform him ahead of time and let him know if he starts to step over her boundaries that she will leave immediately. Eventually he will learn that if he starts in on her she will walk away from him, still living her life her way without having to listen to his opinion of how she should live her life.

Its a hard lesson for some parents to learn that you have to let go of your children someday and let them live their own lives regardless if we accept their choices or not. Love shouldn't be conditional.

~Lashra

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/4/2008 10:49:10 AM

ShaktiSama

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I think this man has already failed a crucial test of his character and his worth as a parent and a human being. Whether she chooses to forgive him and overlook his shortcomings is up to her, and she will have to base that decision on how much harm it does her to face his inability to accept, love and understand her as she is.

Different people make different decisions at this juncture. Whether the problem is being gay, marrying a person of the wrong race, having a child without being married, or any other deeply personal choice related to adult sexuality--a parent can easily destroy a lifetime relationship with his or her child by refusing to accept the adult that the child needs to become.

It is always, and without exception, the parent's loss.

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/4/2008 1:20:43 PM

yrstocollar

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Ok my first reaction to this post was overwhelmingly negative (not to the OP but to the ex of course!)... but then I remembered a little something I learned through my own coming out process.

Your daughter has probably been slowly coming out to herself for a really long time... depending on how she views being gay it would have started as either pretty horrifying or at the very least a little uncomfortable... with her slowly growing more used to the idea. Her father has to go through this same process... it's just like the processes involved in grief and loss. You go through disbelief, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance... a couple more and not necessarily in that order but you get the idea! Now for her she's well at the end of the process and it's not really fair to expect parents to just skip it all and go straight to acceptance... you hope they will... but that's not realistic in a lot of cases.

So... in order to keep a positive relationship with her father I would suggest you both keep in mind that he will need to go through these processes and unfortunately he might not do it as quickly or as thoughtfully (for her sake) as you might like. Nor will he have the same experience as a bdsmer (such as yourself) who is probably much more accepting and understanding of difference.

To make things go a little smoother I'd suggest she get some pamplets or books from PFLAG... get in contact with them at any rate coz they help families with this stuff all the time. In fact they probably have some easy to follow instructions on their website...

Oh and PS... you didn't MAKE her gay with your lifestyle... that's just silliness!!

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/4/2008 9:57:47 PM

DominaJayde

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From: Tasmania, Australia
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Thank you Ladies, one and all for your most illuminating replies, I find myself nodding my head and going 'yes yes' as I read your replies, I think I can speak to my daughter now and advise her a little better, and also to my Ex.. He doesn't want to be throwing away the chance to stay involved in her life.

DJ

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RE: interesting 'argument' over choice or learned behav... - 2/4/2008 10:03:56 PM

Alumbrado

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There isn't really anything you can do to fix things between a 21 year old adult, and someone who wants to play such games.

Either he will grow up or he won't, and you daughter will or won't learn to make her own happiness, without being manipulated by the bigotry of others. All you can offer is perspective and comfort.

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