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The chicken or the egg - 2/3/2008 11:11:50 PM

ReynardM

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Perhaps this question is too simplistic to be answered meaningfully, but for those of you who are or have been in a D/s relationship, which came first: the romantic interest or the sexual interest? Did you find yourself noticing his dominance and then falling for him because of it, or did you find yourself falling for him and then realizing that, because you loved him, you wanted to submit to him?

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RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/3/2008 11:18:46 PM

ProlificNeeds

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Neither, the respect comes first. If I can respect him as a person, then the rest follows.
For me, when I am attracted to someone I want to submit. Submission, affection, and attraction are all interdependant. As affection develops so does the lust and the desire to submit and serve them in a partnership. If I don't care about them, then I feel no desire to submit to them or lust for them.

(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 2

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 12:11:34 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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Neither. What attracted me to anne was her domestic/personal service to me. I don't romantically love her and we are not sexual partners...but she is my slavegirl anne.

Master Fire

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(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 3

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 1:53:52 AM

eyesopened

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i have been involved in bdsm and D/s relationships that included neither romance nor copulation. So i agree with ProlificNeeds that respect comes first.

my Master and i met here, because we both wanted a relationship that was based on D/s and bdsm activities. We both shared the goal of finding a relationship that had the potential to become romantic as well. Even in this relationship, respect was the catalyst and the foundation that led to our committment.

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(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 4

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 2:22:47 AM

adoracat

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every D/s relationship i've been in has been because i liked and respected the person as an individual first, then emotion got involved as the trust grew, and by the time we got to the BDSM funsies, i was wrapped by heartstrings before rope.

personally, its not just about the BDSM component, or just about sexuality, its about the whole ball o wax, can i respect and honor and trust and love the dominant i am pursuing the relationship with? or is it just oh yay, someone to spank me and do the horizontal bop with? the first one, yes, i'm going to see where it goes. the second, i have a vibrator and batteries and i can self-service just fine.

kitten

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 5

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 2:45:44 AM

akahadaka

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Joined: 11/19/2007
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For me, romantic interest and sexual interest are always together.
I'm only romantically/sexually attracted to men who are dominant in some sense... and who has something in their personality that I can admire. Maybe I'm always looking for submission.

On the other hand, I'm not attracted to all dominant men. It depends on multiple factors, someones without explanation. Just question of feelings.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 5:05:00 AM

rubberpet

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I submit to Mistress because I love Her. Without the love, I simply could not submit to Her. In my eyes, I'll do virtually anything for the woman I love. I was much more interested in getting to know the woman in Her first. I knew She was dominant, but if I don't like the woman behind the domme, I'm just not going to submit to Her. Once I got to know Her as a person (as in is She someone I could see myself spending lots of time with, sharing my space with Her, having a life with Her...), then She not only gets to know me, but we can adapt our D/s mindsets to better fit the other without compromising who we are inside. For me, that is the key.

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(in reply to akahadaka)

Post #: 7

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 5:16:57 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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neither

it was His friendship that came first. the rest gradually fell into place as i began to trust him.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 2/4/2008 5:19:22 AM >

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(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 8

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 6:16:57 AM

softness

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neither ... attraction to the intelligence .. the wit and personality comes first .. from that comes three things all at once .. the respect, the sexual desire, the desire to submit ... those three always go hand in hand for me ... its takes all three ... if anyone of them is missing .. then there is no chemistry i would want to act on ....

I can survive in a relationship with no sex, I can survive in a relationship with no Ds ... but I can't survive in a relationship without my mind connecting to the other person.

< Message edited by softness -- 2/4/2008 6:19:59 AM >

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(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 7:17:08 AM

toservez

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I do not mean to be obnoxious but to answer that is simply neither came first and then this followed but all the feelings came on their own time schedule.

I had no interest in pursuing a basically total vanilla then turn it into an M/s relationship and since I was on here looking for a long term M/s relationship then by definition looking for a man to submit to. If I could not see myself potentially submitting to a man I ended contact.

I do not know if I being horny and having kinky sex with my future Master started my heart feelings. I do not know if all the time we spent finding out about each other and our thoughts and desires in regular and M/s things were so compatible in theory that started my heart feeling or what else caused my heart to pound hard for him.

I fell for him before I submitted to him because to submit to a person on the level I am about requires love and falling for someone just happens before that level of love.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

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(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 10

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 7:18:43 AM

DesFIP

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Sex and respect came first. I don't submit to people I don't trust and although you can have love (or lust) at first sight, you can't gain sufficient knowledge of someone else to trust them to make good and careful decisions at first sight.

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(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 11

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 7:19:38 AM

RCdc

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The simple answer is that the chicken is simply the egg. And visa versa.

the.dark.

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(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 12

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 7:53:05 AM

TracyTaken

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[I noticed his eyes first. Then his voice (soft-spoken type). I fell for him. The rest came later.

(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 13

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 8:07:30 AM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
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i have always been submissive by nature, it has become easier to select partners who were willing to accept that as my nature for their enjoyment, then it has been to stay with those equally submissive. Or with those who see this as a sign of weakness rather than a possible benefit.
my bdsm nature has also caused difficulties in vanilla-style romances and us considerably easier to explain to someone involved in the lifestyle. While a sub is not supposed to have "needs" per se, i am more fully satisfied in a lifestyle environment

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Post #: 14

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 9:38:43 AM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

Perhaps this question is too simplistic to be answered meaningfully, but for those of you who are or have been in a D/s relationship, which came first: the romantic interest or the sexual interest?

Neither of those came first for me. What came first between he and I was that he sparked my intellectual/mental interests. He turned on my mind and encouraged me to be vulnerable with him. That sparked my sexual interest in him. Then as I learned more and more about him, I found myself loving him and knowing that if he was all I perceived him to be, that I did not want to live my life without him.

That knowledge forced me to be very introspective and try to answer the question, "Could I live the life I would have to live in order to be with him?" It was not a simple answer. I would have to accept poly when monogamy was what I was looking for. I would have to accept his authority in all things when I did not think I could transfer authority in all things. I would have to leave my country and all that I knew. Now I am happy in the relationship that three of us have; his slave who is now a permanent resident of another country.

My life is far different than anything I ever imagined for myself and I would not change anything.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 15

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 9:42:40 AM

DiurnalVampire

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Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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Again, neither comes first, as a rule. Every time I meet someone new, what happens between us changes. Angel is not my romantic partner, nor is he my sexual partner, he is my baby. That was the end all be all of our interactions and it is how we have always been. Romantic and sexual interest will never factor into our relationship.
With my former Kitten, it was sexual submission first and the attraction between us was primarily physical for a long while. The romantic part never happened, but the friendship grew later. He and I are still friends although the rest of the relationship has fallen away.
With Fox, it was just a whirlwind, everything happened at once and out of the blue.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

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VampiresLair

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 10:25:12 AM

denika

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Joined: 8/30/2005
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I wanted to submit to him before I fell in love with him, I had a lot of respect and we had fostered a strong friendship, I had some romantic feelings in there as well but the moment I took the step forward and bottomed, I realised I was falling in love with him, it wasn't because of his dominance, it was because of the type of man he showed himself to be, the rest just fell into place afterwords. He romanced me off my feet

still does on a regular basis.

Wolf's denika

(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 17

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 11:02:47 AM

parttimehotty

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Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

Perhaps this question is too simplistic to be answered meaningfully, but for those of you who are or have been in a D/s relationship, which came first: the romantic interest or the sexual interest? Did you find yourself noticing his dominance and then falling for him because of it, or did you find yourself falling for him and then realizing that, because you loved him, you wanted to submit to him?

i noticed his dominance first but didn't want to submit until i fell in love w/him. i dug in my heels for a long time ;)

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(in reply to ReynardM)

Post #: 18

RE: The chicken or the egg - 2/4/2008 1:54:21 PM

fullofgrace69

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Joined: 7/22/2006
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for me unless there is respect i wouldnt be able to submit to someone, i've submitted to people i've respected and liked but felt no deep emotional connection to. the best relationsip though is when i feel a truly deep emotional connection along with the respect and the desire to submit. everything is just kind of connected.

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-Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.-

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 19

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