MsCfromMelbourne
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I am surprised this thread did not re-start the (fairly academic) debate around the meaning of "forced". eg http://www.collarchat.com/m_76392/mpage_1/key_forced%252Cmeaning/tm.htm#76392
How can anything be "forced" if you have consent?
How can it be "forced" if the person enjoys the activity (MsSonnetWoods query)?
Is using "force" actually abuse? etc etc
I prefer to post from my experience, not theory. Other people are much better at BDSM theory, especially those with training in psychology/psycho-sexuality.
However, I will have a go at my own amateurish theory of "forcing":
By vastly over simplifying human sexual behaviour, psychological "willingness" (or - inversely - the degree of force required) can be graded on a spectrum from:
0 = hate it and will not do it for the Dominant = no cognitive dissonance (internal conflict)
1 = no enjoyment but will do it for the Dominant = conflicting desire to please the Dominant vs one's own health and happiness
2 = want and enjoy if could overcome extreme feelings of guilt, shame, embarassment = severe internal conflict
3 = want and enjoy if could overcome mild feelings of guilt, shame, embarassment = mild internal conflict
4 = want and enjoy without hesitation = no internal conflict
Play "force" is therefore any action by the Dominant - with consent - that assists the bottom to overcome his own internal resistance (reconcile his cognitive dissonance) with the end goal being to bring about health and happiness in your D/s partner.
Abusive force is action by the Dominant to make a submissive do something
(1) without his consent (obviously) or
(2) with his consent but the Dominant's real intention is to exploit the submissive and/or deliberately or recklessly cause that person harm
In other words, forcing a person to do activities they (not you) would classify as 0 or 1 is IMO abuse.
Ordering a submissive to do an activity he classes as a 4 is not "forcing". It is just permission. It is a recipe for a very happy D/s relationship if you share lots of 4s!
Force takes many forms. Usually negative (eg demands, threats, criticism, punishment, coercion, blackmail, bribery, physical overpowering) but it can be achieved in positive ways (rewards, compliments, recognition and displays of gratitude)
The OP wants and enjoys nudity, but he is shy. He has been socialised to be too embarassed to strip and crawl on all fours in public (as have all of us.....or we would all be arrested for indecent exposure!). His desire to be a naughty nudie boy is outweighed by the desire not to be shamed. Public nudity is probably a 3 for the OP.
But in the safe environment of a dungeon, a Domme can tip this balance of desire vs shame by force (command).
Is "forcing" good for the fetishist?
Take my partner. As a little boy he wore ladies pantyhose to school one day. He thought they felt lovely and were somehow "naughty" but being pre-sexual, he did not understand this exciting, naughty feeling. At school he showed the other boys, innocently assuming they too would think it was a fun game. The other boys immediately ganged up to mock him in his stockings, calling him names like sissy and sicko. Eventually this bright, beautiful, outgoing little boy became a victim of school yard bullying and turned into a loner*
It only takes an instant to socialise a little boy not to wear women's clothes. Our society enforces very strict gender stereotypes and is very cruel in the way we go about it. The social control is done to us as kids. But some of the threads here in CM show that even as adults, many are still unecessarily cruel to anyone "different".
As an adult, my partner's desire to wear stockings carries an emotional scar. He wants to wear stockings, but that triggers overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame from childhood (cognitive dissonance).
Do I "force" him wear them anyway? Do I tell him he is beautiful just the way he is (kinky)? Do I make him laugh at our shared kinks and bury those stupid demons? Yes, I do. What else is a loving D/s relationship for?
"Forcing" any kind of activity is not necessarily abuse. Sometimes our partners just need our help (acceptance and permission) returning to their True Selves and become wholly alive once again.
BDSM is just fun one one level and a spiritual journey on another.
"Forced" play can serve all kinds of psychological/emotional purposes. And it can just be good fun!!
* he also buried himself in his studies, did well and became a very successful lawyer. Most of the kids that bullied him amounted to nothing. Life does deal us kinksters a mixed hand
< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 2/5/2008 3:47:58 PM >
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