slavetoobeyYou
Posts: 12
Joined: 8/28/2005
Status: offline
|
my Mistress moved away 10 weeks ago, after training me since May. She is in sporadic contact without domination (except i do obey Her rules). i’m doubting plans for me to eventually move in as Her 24/7 (with my own work). For the first time, i’ve resorted to scanning ads again desperate for some kind of domination.
Mistress reassures me and i feel totally better and feel our connection when i do speak to Her on the phone. i believe She is sincere and means what She says at the time She says it. But i struggle with doubt because what She says doesn’t end up happening, like: other aspects of training, phone domination sessions, Her picking up for regular phone conversations, seeing me when She’s here, and me visiting there. There has been a pattern of generally less and less, and meetings tending to coincide with financial assistance to Her, and perhaps frequent demanding events in Her life.
To my email expressing some of this She listed the overload and stressful things going on in Her life and hoped it would reassure me. Nothing's wrong--it's just circumstances. She didn’t reference any specifics of what i wrote; i don’t know if She read it all, so i feel communication is limited. i think to myself if She really has interest in me as a live-in, wouldn’t She communicate more to keep the relationship alive? Wouldn’t She make some comment about me going without cumming since our last play for way longer than i ever have (10 weeks), even a "good boy" or snicker, if She had attention on me? Don’t good Dommes take account of their slave’s needs in times of absence? But then others say it is only the Domme’s needs and couldn't care less about slave needs—but isn’t that still within a context of ongoing domination? Mistress has said this may be good training for me to get over being clingy. Maybe i’m just a whining slave and neglect IS Her dominating me. But then where is the exchange of energy that some talk about--without an exchange with the slave, and where is finding fulfillment in pleasing the Domme--without feedback to the slave that the Domme is pleased?
Isn’t my compulsion for domination and being a slave a result of Her training and what makes me Her slave? If i could set it aside, wouldn’t that mean to a Mistress that intends total submission that i need more training until i couldn’t set it aside—“creating a hunger that cannot be resisted” as some Domme said? Yet as Mistress it is up to Her when and if She dominates me, but how long should i be expected to be able to go without it, with only my rules? Well, i do okay when i can set aside my doubt and my non-acceptance of possibly being in limbo for months longer--only to find out it just won’t ever come to be as has happened to me in the past with another woman. i think it is the combination of both need AND doubt that is the problem.
i am grateful for Mistress, Her rules, and to be Her slave, and want that very much (of course—She trained me and She’s Dominant) and i like, love, and feel connected to Her, feel She's talented, beautiful, and too good to be true, and would so kick myself if i found out it would have happened if only i had been more patient and able to set aside my interpretation of the disparity between Her intention and actual action. i also would hate relocating on Her assurances only to find in fact i hardly ever see Her, if only because of life occurrances, so my desire for actions from Her is a test. It would also be sad and painful for it to end, and though it’s not for the best, i’d feel in a panic without a Mistress.
i’m sorry to be so long laying it out, there seem to be multiple issues contributing to my connundrum. Can anyone relate and share their experiences, how they deal with need and neglect and knowing/finding out whether the relationship is real, or if there’d be better points of view for me to act from?
Thanks,
slave to obey You
|
Driven Nuts by Need and Doubt abt Mistress - 
Profile
RE: Driven Nuts by Need and Doubt abt Mistress - 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread