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RE: help with domination - 2/5/2008 10:14:12 PM

Thorns82

Posts: 92
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Los Angeles, CA
Status: offline

I was wondering about this as well. We're moving from a vanilla to a S/m relationship, but it's something I've thought about, fantasized about, and researched for a long time, whereas he's just getting into it now. Good communication is helping. It is a bit frustrating at times though...you hear so much about how experienced this or that dom is, how he knows exactly what to do, or has his own training program, and it's hard not to wish for that. I'd love to go through a training program! I guess I'm kind of getting a 'custom built' one though ^.~

(in reply to MasterWilliam55)

Post #: 21

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 12:30:11 AM

Taintedblood

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

i know every couple is different i just find it really hard to explain myself properly therefore when i try and give examples it just dosn't work at all *sigh*

i think the lines of communication or becoming much more open now that he is beginning to understand that i don't have all the answers and that there are many dimensions to be explored - i think he is now also understanding its the little things and not running before you can walk.

i have read his posts, and found them quite interesting, though he still cannot get his head round some things and that is fine by me.

he has just recently said he thinks he would like to explore the 'Daddy Dom' side of things and go down that route.

We do communicate - its just hard when he asks me exactly what i want him to do, i can't answer as there isn't one thing i would choose over the other, and i want him to be comfortable in what he is doing.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 22

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 12:36:25 AM

Taintedblood

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

We kinda just jumped headlong into something at first we have never been vanilla with it from the start just the kink - i admire you from being able to go from vanilla to S/m as i don't think i could do it - in a vanilla relationship i always end up being the more dominant person.

i do believe that communication is key.

you never know maybe your other half will end up making a training programme for you when he has found his feet.

(in reply to Thorns82)

Post #: 23

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 7:00:33 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

Tainted,

simply put, the more submissive posture that you present, the more dominance you will see evolve from him. It is a natural thing and your problem is experienced by many more then one might think.

CP

(in reply to Taintedblood)

Post #: 24

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 7:18:14 AM

Taintedblood

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

thank you CelticPrince

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 25

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 7:38:37 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoCurious2Feel

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

That is a hard one..... I was once in love..with my slave..and had a hard tiem to Dom her. I couldn't even slap her by times..lol
Stilll we were happy..and as said above...keep talking....it might fix it. But soemtimes..it just won't work.
(btw do you allow to be Dom-ed?)

Justme - does this mean you can't be in love with your slave? I wonder if other Doms feel the same way or have the same thoughts?

There are a ton of threads about the issue of love with a D/s or M/s relationship.

The part of this that leaped out at me was the difficulty causing someone pain. "You always hurt the ones you love..." except to help people get through that natural reluctance, I remind sadists that there was a reason the masochist came to love them - for the pain as much as the person. So "hurting the ones you love" is, in a strange wonderful way, an act of love for a Sadist/masochist.

I love my girl. I have no problem with engaging with S/m with her, punishing her, training her or watching her struggle. I think the love aspect attunes me to a very deep emotional bond with her. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Regards,
EO

_____________________________

Some of my thoughts on Ownership:

http://extremeowner.blogspot.com/

(in reply to SoCurious2Feel)

Post #: 26

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 8:19:07 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

I honestly wonder how you could help someone "be more dominant". I tend to think of it as a character trait, not as learned behaviour. And then I seem to read you're somewhat iffy about your own submissiveness, I think the two of you might mostly be a good attempt at confusing each other. But, FWIW, preDOMinantly, you're a dom or you're not, unless you think Donald Trump could be a switch. Or Richard Branson, on your side of the water.

(in reply to Taintedblood)

Post #: 27

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 8:56:02 AM

Taintedblood

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

perhaps i worded it wrong WKR wants my help in him being more dominant and his character is a fairly dominant one, though he dosn't see it.

i may seem iffy in my own submissiveness and have been accused several times of being switch, however i don't percieve myself as switch if someone dosn't take charge of a situation then i will so that things simply get organised or done.

i really would not like to dominate anyone at all in a D/s relationship kind of way.

i think we are really moving forward now though with certain things.

it is very hard at times as we live an hour or so away from each other and living circumstances and other things are a little complex at the moment

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 28

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 9:31:15 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoCurious2Feel

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

That is a hard one..... I was once in love..with my slave..and had a hard tiem to Dom her. I couldn't even slap her by times..lol
Stilll we were happy..and as said above...keep talking....it might fix it. But soemtimes..it just won't work.
(btw do you allow to be Dom-ed?)

Justme - does this mean you can't be in love with your slave? I wonder if other Doms feel the same way or have the same thoughts?

No no....I was in love with her..so much..I couldn'treat her as a slave/kajira. Later, afther long talks, she became a sub to me..and we both felt happy in the relation again.
It was just my situation with her. There were many reason why I had problems using/treating her as slave....but with others who I loved also..I didn't have this problem.

Actually I don't take subs,slaves or kajiras, when I don't feel something for them.

< Message edited by Justme696 -- 2/6/2008 9:33:13 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to SoCurious2Feel)

Post #: 29

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 9:50:22 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Hi Tainted - I am coming into this a bit late/behind
I wanted to ask - were you submissive before you met WKR? I guess the question I am asking is were you involved in BDSM etc before you know him? Maybe for example, you noticed his potential? That sort of thing?

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Taintedblood)

Post #: 30

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 10:21:03 AM

AMaster

Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

I don't believe one can be taught to be a DOM.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 31

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 11:03:19 AM

Taintedblood

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

hi thedark

i was involved in it ore rather beginning to become involved in it before i met him yes. i met him on cm

tainted

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 32

RE: help with domination - 2/6/2008 12:26:17 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Thanks for answering. I should have expanded on my question, sorry - I mean to ask if you introduced him, or whether you have more experience than him?

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Taintedblood)

Post #: 33

RE: help with domination - 2/7/2008 12:14:36 AM

Taintedblood

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

i wouldn't say i have 100% introduced him as he was already here but i would say i have pulled him more towards it then he would have on his own.

i have a little more experience than him

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 34

RE: help with domination - 2/7/2008 1:25:52 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I'm not dominant, but my advice is to keep communication flowing and open. You will get a few naysayers saying that it's ill advised for a relationship where the s-type has more experience than the dominant to continue, that they end up topping from below etc, but that's pretty much moot when it comes down to the individual personalities involved.

You might find you have some more ideas than he does, in which case, instead of making suggestions - make requests instead and then always leave the ball in his court (as it were). So you refrain from making the decisions but are informing him of what you like and don;t like. I would really put an emphasis on also discussing the things you don't like - so that he doesn't get to choose simply 'good stuff' you like, but the stuff you need to learn in order to grow as well. Sir Mike made a good point of him 'stepping up to the plate' - but he can't do that unless you communicate openly with him and making things clear so he can decide the path both he and you will take.

I've seen him posting also and he pretty much rocks in his journey sofar and from the little I have 'read' from him, it seeme it's there, he is just tentatively putting the feelers out. Sometime, when you hit this realisation of what you are and see all the posts people make, it can be a bit like 'wow - I gotta jump in with the big stuff' - reality is that it's like learning to walk, tiny little steps with bumps and falls a lot of the time, and the small things really matter.

And try not to look at it as being BDSM or being vanilla etc, look at your relationship as unique to the two of you, otherwise you get caught up in what you are supposed to be 'like' instead of what it's right to be for yourselves as a indivual couple.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Taintedblood)

Post #: 35

RE: help with domination - 2/7/2008 9:12:55 AM

TracyTaken

Posts: 615
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

And try not to look at it as being BDSM or being vanilla etc, look at your relationship as unique to the two of you, otherwise you get caught up in what you are supposed to be 'like' instead of what it's right to be for yourselves as a indivual couple.

I love this. Thanks.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 36

RE: help with domination - 2/7/2008 5:11:30 PM

lelandmowatt

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/15/2006
Status: offline

Doms are a natural occurance. At our best we are a force of nature. You can present yourself to him and he may grow as his confidence and understanding expands but this whole conversation with him is close to you trying to be in control of his actions........

(in reply to TracyTaken)

Post #: 37

RE: help with domination - 2/7/2008 7:38:15 PM

Chocodelite4U

Posts: 34
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline

discipline

_____________________________

Shit happens then you have to flush down the toilet!

Discpline is attitude Mind, Body and Soul

reach me at http://blackplanet.com/PHILSHARPE/

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 38

RE: help with domination - 2/10/2008 6:34:47 AM

Darkknight1369

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline

Well you could view it as topping from the bottom but that you could also look at it from another direction.

There are many inexperienced Dom's who come onto the scene who hook up with submissives who have experienced more, there is nothing un-submissive in passing on knowledge, especially if it means you BOTH get what you want.

Talking to another Dominant is not going to make him Dominant in the same way that reading a book won't either, it has to come, imo, from the heart and if he wants to do it then at least he is heading in the right direction.

Sadly he may not be Dominant, it's not really something that can be learnt, it's a part of personality but at least he may feel more comfortable in topping you if you give him feedback. Like anything the more you do it, the more you practice the more natural it feels.y

(in reply to Taintedblood)

Post #: 39

RE: help with domination - 2/10/2008 10:38:09 AM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Good communication is NEVER topping from the bottom....geez.....

THANK YOU!! Sigh. I am not sure where this topping from the bottom term came from. Ok, yeah there are bottoms out there who will tell you how to run a scene, or at least try to. If they are paying for it, they have that right, otherwise no. BUT it is not topping from the bottom IMHO if something is not going right and you try to convey that to your partner. It is also not TftB if there is something you enjoy, he needs to know so he can decide whether to incorporate it or not.

Do it respectfully, but communicate.

If he is whipping and flogging to beat the band but all you can concentrate on is the fact that one of your hands is numb!! Tell him!! If there is something that you particularly enjoy, tell him, if you can't say it, lord knows there are enough stories and vid clips on the net that you can show him.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Dominants are NOT mind readers, though they get pretty good at body language

. Having a clue as to what makes you tick and what flips you into overdrive means both of you will get far more out of it, and vice versa.

poenkitten

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 40

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