quote:


 have tried, really tried, to turn these feelings off.  I  remind myself time and time again that it is his pleasure, after all, that I am  to be focused on and if what gives him pleasure is as easy as basically vanilla sex, well, there are certainly far worse things I could have to accept.  I do feel gratitude and pleasure the times he has sex with me. I am mindful that there is certainly more to life, and our relationship, than sex and sadomasochism, and that I'm really not so young any more that I should be discarding an otherwise satisfactory long term situation just cause I'm not getting all my jollies.  Dominant men of his caliber  aren't just crawling out of the walls. Yet I don't know if, had I been able to foresee this, whether I would have entered the relationship.  Is that fucking (heh) shallow or what? But bottom line, the lack is becoming deeply felt; the little physical things that can be motivators and triggers for feeling deeply submissive, for me, are just not there. I'm kind of...irritable. Not myself. Distracted. I have thoughts of doing things I most certainly should not do. (Seeking outside sexual satisfaction is very much not an option. Sadly, I also can't masturbate--not because he requires that I don't, he doesn't care. I just really am not able to do so. It's boring.) It seems so trivial, but I long to feel a fist grasping my hair or the back of my neck, or my throat. I long to feel that utterly overwhelmed, used, sore in places I didn't know I had, sex still riding my body the day after feeling--no, not all the time, but yes, sometimes. I yearn to feel desired.

quote:


Yet, I am a slave. That means something to me. I serve him. I like and respect and honor him.  I have committed myself to him and he expresses no dis-satisfaction with me.  This should be enough. Period. But my sense of myself as a sexual being is vanishing and I can't help but mourn its loss. With it, I fear, will eventually go my desire to serve and submit. Will what will then be a basically vanilla relationship with the exceptions of where I sit and how decisions are made be enough to sustain me? Will I even care?

quote:

The first few times he fucked me there were no surprises--he was as kinky and sexually demanding as I had come to expect and yearn for and he's very good. Yet, that was also almost the very last time--ten months ago--that he really showed that side of himself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sikpup

I've read here for a while now and now I just need someone to "talk" to. Someone who isn't my Master, not yet. I'm a female slave. I have been with my Master for ten months and I've been in this lifestyle for about ten years.  For reasons that should quickly become apparent, right now I need an anonymous "sounding board" to whom I (and my Master) are also unknown. There are a number of posters here whose experiences and ideas I have come to respect. So thank you in advance for listening.

Ten months is not a terribly long time, no, and we do not live together. Ten months is long enough to figure out that my Master and I are sexually mismatched. This is proving to be more confusing and painful than I would have ever imagined. Yet, I feel so uncomfortable even leveling this much complaint or criticism at my Master. I admire him greatly. He is confident, responsible, strong, and honorable. He's demanding, and can be harsh, but he's intelligent, clueful and realistic and he can also be quite kind.  He's not a warm, physically affectionate man but I have learned that that does not in any way reflect his regard for me. Every other aspect of our relationship to one another "fits" and is developing to mutual satisfaction. In short, we are rather well suited to one another in almost every way. Certainly if I were counselling a friend in a more conventional relationship I would encourage her to look at the whole of the thing before she made any decision to discard it over sex (particularly at this late-thirties stage of life). 

But....but. Speaking of those more conventional relationships: if I wanted a relationship in which my kinkier submissive itches went unscratched, I'd have one of those. Yes, I'm deeply service oriented but I can (and do) do service-y type things for just about anybody I care for and find satisfaction in it.  If it were just good basic sex and companionship I was into, well, it still isn't terribly hard to get myself laid--and passing few men object to enthusiastic blow jobs!  But there are reasons, after all, that I seek this type of relationship. I desire to submit, to serve. I function best in a relationship structured and controlled by another.  I'm just finding out in a hard way that the non-sexual domination that I crave is less compelling and less fulfilling without the sexual component of it. Sure, I can get pleasure from "just" sex in general, but what really trips my triggers is the whole experience of forceful, dominant, kinky sexual use.  I crave being in sexual thrall.  And as it turns out, it seems to be that which inspires a lot of the feelings that I turn into enthusiastic service and submission to another. I thought I could sublimate it. I thought tight focus on what my Master desires would re-channel these urges. I *think* I please him sexually--he says that I do.  It just turns out that his sexual needs are less...complicated than mine. I feel so selfish, not to mention shallow. These are not feelings I enjoy. But I feel so very undesired. Under-valued, maybe. But why is that? He is getting, I have to believe, since he does not indicate otherwise, exactly what he wants how he wants it, so shouldn't that be enough?? That has been an article of faith with me. I guess my faith is being tested.

Now, I don't expect anyone to be running around lusting after me 24-7.  Who has that kind of free time? My desire and expectations are not that childish. But maybe I am jaded.  I know that my experiences and conditioning with my previous long-term owner are probably as responsible as my own inherent inclinations.  He was very highly sexed, very edgy, very perverted, so I was too. My experiences with other dominant men have differed only in degree and specific kinks. I guess I kinda grew to expect it as part of the package. Who doesn't like frequent, kinky sex?!?  While Master and i were getting to know one another nothing challenged this assumption. I am attracted to him. I desire him as much as I desire the acts he might commit on me.  He exudes sex and dominance. Just look at him and you can't help but think of rough, nasty, delicious doings. He certainly seemed pretty damned kinky to me from our earliest conversations. He enjoys sadomasochistic and perverted things.  He admires and aquires SM equipment. The first few times he fucked me there were no surprises--he was as kinky and sexually demanding as I had come to expect and yearn for and he's very good. Yet, that was also almost the very last time--ten months ago--that he really showed that side of himself.  So, obviously, he doesn't want frequent kinky sex. Or maybe just not with me. I don't know. He isn't sexually monogamous but I don't know the details of, or care, what he does with others...and others aren't that frequent an occurance either.  It isn't a chastity-as-kink thing. I know there are those who get satisfaction from enforcing or experiencing sexual denial but this is not what is going on.  He is sexual--he just doesn't seem to want much of it. Or maybe I want too much?

I have tried, really tried, to turn these feelings off.  I  remind myself time and time again that it is his pleasure, after all, that I am  to be focused on and if what gives him pleasure is as easy as basically vanilla sex, well, there are certainly far worse things I could have to accept.  I do feel gratitude and pleasure the times he has sex with me. I am mindful that there is certainly more to life, and our relationship, than sex and sadomasochism, and that I'm really not so young any more that I should be discarding an otherwise satisfactory long term situation just cause I'm not getting all my jollies.  Dominant men of his caliber  aren't just crawling out of the walls. Yet I don't know if, had I been able to foresee this, whether I would have entered the relationship.  Is that fucking (heh) shallow or what? But bottom line, the lack is becoming deeply felt; the little physical things that can be motivators and triggers for feeling deeply submissive, for me, are just not there. I'm kind of...irritable. Not myself. Distracted. I have thoughts of doing things I most certainly should not do. (Seeking outside sexual satisfaction is very much not an option. Sadly, I also can't masturbate--not because he requires that I don't, he doesn't care. I just really am not able to do so. It's boring.) It seems so trivial, but I long to feel a fist grasping my hair or the back of my neck, or my throat. I long to feel that utterly overwhelmed, used, sore in places I didn't know I had, sex still riding my body the day after feeling--no, not all the time, but yes, sometimes. I yearn to feel desired.

Yet, I am a slave. That means something to me. I serve him. I like and respect and honor him.  I have committed myself to him and he expresses no dis-satisfaction with me.  This should be enough. Period. But my sense of myself as a sexual being is vanishing and I can't help but mourn its loss. With it, I fear, will eventually go my desire to serve and submit. Will what will then be a basically vanilla relationship with the exceptions of where I sit and how decisions are made be enough to sustain me? Will I even care?

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the length. I suppose I could have said something more succinct like "Master doesn't fuck me enough...any suggestions?" So, obviously, I open all this up to him. I'll open all this up to him because he has the right to not have his slave hiding rather important things from him and because it is the right thing to do. (Though I'm open for suggestions about how to do this without cowarding out) But, honestly, I don't expect anything to change.  I'll have to make the decision to live with it, or to leave. And that will hurt, so is it even worth it?  It's a bitter irony, isn't it?  That which I am being asked to submit, that element of my needs/desires which will require the deepest amount of denial of my self to another's wishes, that which has been the most challenging act of accepting the control of another over in ways that do not meet my needs in any way may very well prove to be that which ultimately vanquishes my desire to do so.

sick puppy