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sub finds he can only give but not receive.. - 9/8/2005 10:17:13 AM

easyCD

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/6/2005
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I had a Mistress in another town where I had to make frequent business trips. A previous relationship with an online Domme (not for pay!) had ended happily and had prepared me for this new experience. But one thing I was not prepared for was to TAKE pleasure(i.e., orgasm) when freely administered to by my Mistress.
Our relationship was based on my pleasure stemming solely from servicing Her (i.e., foot massage, prolonged cunnilingus, posing en femme, and masturbating on command). So one night She began servicing me with a dildo whle I was bent over the bed. This was my greatest fantasy and I yet I found I could not cum. I became frustrated and finally used the safe word to spare Her further exertion. Unfortunately I think it ended our relationship. My work in that town was drawing to close, so it would have ended anyway, but I adored Her and wanted Her to know that, so it wouldn't end on a discordant note. I wrote and told Her this but She never responded. :(
What should I have done?

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RE: sub finds he can only give but not receive.. - 9/8/2005 10:49:05 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: easyCD

I had a Mistress in another town where I had to make frequent business trips. A previous relationship with an online Domme (not for pay!) had ended happily and had prepared me for this new experience. But one thing I was not prepared for was to TAKE pleasure(i.e., orgasm) when freely administered to by my Mistress.
Our relationship was based on my pleasure stemming solely from servicing Her (i.e., foot massage, prolonged cunnilingus, posing en femme, and masturbating on command). So one night She began servicing me with a dildo whle I was bent over the bed. This was my greatest fantasy and I yet I found I could not cum. I became frustrated and finally used the safe word to spare Her further exertion.

It's a sad but true thing that our bodies don't consult with our minds about what they like. Sometimes they downright disagree. There's a bit on my webpage about that. http://www.lovingdominant.org/1stScene.html

quote:

Unfortunately I think it ended our relationship. My work in that town was drawing to close, so it would have ended anyway, but I adored Her and wanted Her to know that, so it wouldn't end on a discordant note. I wrote and told Her this but She never responded. :(
What should I have done?

Well, I define a safeword as any signal that unequivocally says that there is a major problem. That might have been too strong for this situation. Might you have said "This just isn't working. I can't cum." and leave it up to her if she stops.

I do think cuttting off all communications was an extreme measure, but sadly some dominants are embarrassed at being safeworded. [ I like it. I see it as showing I'm playing close to the edge and that the submissive trusts me.]

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RE: sub finds he can only give but not receive.. - 9/9/2005 2:03:23 AM

iamdownonmyknees

Posts: 93
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Durham NC USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: easyCD
This was my greatest fantasy and I yet I found I could not cum. I became frustrated and finally used the safe word to spare Her further exertion. Unfortunately I think it ended our relationship.

During certain scenes if I fall out of visible arousal my lover tends to feel it is her 'fault.' Perhaps your inability to orgasm she felt was a failing on her part. Not 'rational' but sexuality so rarely is.

Richard

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RE: sub finds he can only give but not receive.. - 9/9/2005 8:43:08 AM

DominaLibris

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/3/2005
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Unfortunately, we learn from experience, sometimes.

Speaking directly from the heart is painful and some of us hesitate owing to the vulnerability we expose to ourselves. The exposure matters to us not to the other. We are pained when we begin to notice certain issues in our lives.

You might want to look at why you used a safeword vs. just telling your Domina you were........(you describe). Then look at why you did not begin explaining to her what was happening in your mind and what you think was controlling your body.

From my outside view, this was an opportunity for you to examine your thinking, your control, your ability to communicate.

D/s is a valuable place to continue our learning journey exposing ourselves to ourselves. But being open to who we truly are internally, subconsciously, is horrifically painful.

You're on a trip -- relish it!!

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RE: sub finds he can only give but not receive.. - 9/9/2005 12:19:40 PM

easyCD

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/6/2005
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How true! Thank you all for the thoughtful posts, which -- themselves a form of COMMUNICATION -- seem to confirm that I was remiss in communicating my feelings to my Mistress. And yes, I had the impression that She may have felt my inability to reach orgasm was a failing on Her part. I guess when I reached the end of my ability to perform in the way She expected I should have said as much...

I do miss the sheer fun of having a Mistress, though -- of giving my body and will over to Her completely -- oh, the bliss of TOTAL SURRENDER and ADORATION ... (sigh) ... perhaps again sometime, if the fates will it.

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