Am I in the wrong place?

Am I in the wrong place? (Full Version)

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Arrow782001 -> Am I in the wrong place? (9/9/2005 9:19:03 AM)
Hello, I hope this isn't perceived as a "Bitch session" but, I was just wondering if anyone has any advice, or can offer any suggestions. I have searched for about 20 years now to find a woman who wishes to have a "Vanilla" relationship outside the home, but with a kinky twist while we are at home. I am a "switch" I guess, because some of me likes to Dom, but, most of me would like to be sub at home. I would like to find a woman who doesn't mind that I love to crossdress, and have her feminize me (ie strapon, I wear panties to work, I am in the female role sometimes during sex etc) But she would like to have a family. I am mixed up and confused. I have had these feelings all my life, and I am damn tired of being called faggot, gay,weird, homo etc. because I dont feel that is who I am at all. Can anyone help? Thank you so much

fastlane -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/9/2005 9:39:24 AM)
Welcome Arrow! Keep coming back!

FTopinMichigan -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/9/2005 10:15:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arrow782001 I have searched for about 20 years now to find a woman who wishes to have a "Vanilla" relationship outside the home, but with a kinky twist while we are at home. I am a "switch" I guess, because some of me likes to Dom, but, most of me would like to be sub at home. I would like to find a woman who doesn't mind that I love to crossdress, and have her feminize me (ie strapon, I wear panties to work, I am in the female role sometimes during sex etc) But she would like to have a family. I am mixed up and confused. I have had these feelings all my life, and I am damn tired of being called faggot, gay,weird, homo etc. because I dont feel that is who I am at all. Can anyone help? As I understand it, the majority of CDs are heterosexual men, that just enjoy it. It is ignorance of most, that causes them to call you names. If you've looked for twenty years, and not found a single mate, I would question if you've been looking in the wrong places, or perhaps have unrealistic expectations. Your post indicates you have a hold on what you enjoy, and what you want. That's a real positive, in any man, in my book. [:)] If you're honest about your desires to yourself, and to others, I think CM is a fine place to find a partner. K

DominaLibris -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/9/2005 11:34:10 AM)
Finding that special person would be easy were you just a vanilla person, however, with your kinky side, you are now looking for someone, who besides physical enjoyment, gets pleasure from dissecting and talking about their innermost feelings and experiences. Therewith the problem. We kinksters are question askers, we want to tear apart our experiences based on our expectations and fantasy. We prod our vulnerability and force it to surface -- we do not hesitate to question ongoing events. That's where you are and that's what unfortunately makes it difficult for us to find that special one to hold our hand, to sit next to us and.... If your strategy to find someone includes other venues and many social gatherings of all ilks, trust your intuitive nature and when you meet that woman who covertly suggests she has a deeper side to her, approach her and maybe she will open a window for exploration as you too will have to expose your inner self. It's not easy, sometimes I wish I were a simple vanilla woman, but then, damn, I'd be boring and unidimensional. Just keep looking, don't give up, make friends with like minded souls, and maybe, well, maybe.

IndigoDadesi -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/9/2005 6:12:59 PM)
Ask much as I agree with DominaLibris I just have to point out that as much as we sometimes like to think "vanilla" folk have it easy, they go through the same trials that we do when finding a longterm mate. Sure when youre vanilla you probably date more, but that doesnt mean you are going to form a lasting connection with that person. Look at divorce rates and Im sure that will be obvious. Finding a compatible longterm mate is hard at anytime and I think that sometimes we get so caught up in the sexual gradification part of the lifestyle we forget that most of us once thought this stuff was pretty foreign and "out there" too. This is a constant journey of self discovery and expanding boundaries. Coming from my experience in a relationship that basically started vanilla I can say that my boundaries and those of my mate's have expanded through the years and we have grown and discussed new things we'd like to try and we are constantly learning and expanding our horizons. I guess what Im trying to say is that sexual activity can be learned and added to a relationship, but if the person you are dating doesnt have a compatible personality there's not alot you can do. Good luck with your search Arrow, sometimes all it takes is finding a partner with an open mind. ~ I.D.

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/10/2005 12:28:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arrow782001 Hello, I hope this isn't perceived as a "Bitch session" but, I was just wondering if anyone has any advice, or can offer any suggestions. I have searched for about 20 years now to find a woman who wishes to have a "Vanilla" relationship outside the home, but with a kinky twist while we are at home. I am a "switch" I guess, because some of me likes to Dom, but, most of me would like to be sub at home. I would like to find a woman who doesn't mind that I love to crossdress, and have her feminize me (ie strapon, I wear panties to work, I am in the female role sometimes during sex etc) But she would like to have a family. I am mixed up and confused. I have had these feelings all my life, and I am damn tired of being called faggot, gay,weird, homo etc. because I dont feel that is who I am at all. Can anyone help? Thank you so much Welcome Arrow...I did not perceive this to be a bitch session at all. It seems like a very sincere and valid question. A direct answer to your "Am I in the wrong place?" would be "maybe". However, I think this site, given your proclivities, is possibly the most right place you could try. Another place would be a swinger's site. At age 40, and wishing for a family, you have narrowed the pool. In addition, along with the kink, there is the power exhange, and this is where I have the most difficulty connecting. If I was younger, (no more kids here, thanks!) I would still be quite careful in exploring with you. Because I need that submissive mindset. It isn't, for Me, just about the kink. Yes, I could deal with the need for cross-dressing, and enjoy the strap-on play, but I would look at this as a part time thing for you. It seems that the submission part, with you, only goes with the play. For Me, in a non-kink environment, and we have to deal with that every single day, I do appear very vanilla. I would expect My partner, boy, escort, or whoever, to also appear that way. But it doesn't mean we are vanilla. We still know what the undercurrent of the relartionship is, all the time. It just isn't thrown into everyone's face. When I read your profile, it is very nicely done. It is sincere and honest. I like it. But I need to be Dominant in the relationship all the time. And I don't think that is what you are seeking. I would suggest that you try to approach those ladies who are more open to less power exchange. That's a biggie for Me. I also see that you say you like to Dom sometimes, but I get the feeling you are not necessarily referring to being Dominant in the BD/s/SM sense of a WIITWD relationship. I have the idea you are referring more to reverting back to a normally accepted societal role of the "Man" or the "Husband". That would not make you a switch in My mind. Do let Me know if I have a wrong take on this. And do also take a look at the swinger sites. There is much less (if anything) in the way of power exchange but lots of openess to the kink. The drawback there is the wish to switch partners. But, since there has been so much talk about converting vanillas to BDSM and D/s, I don't know why you shouldn't be able to try your hand at converting a swinger to a mongamous, kink-oriented relationship! Again, welcome!

Arrow782001 -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/10/2005 2:24:00 PM)
Hello Everyone, Thank you all so much for your kind responses, and encouragement. I think very highly of this site so far, and all the poeple who have been so kind as to extend their time, and energy in assisting me. It is such a nice feeling to know that I am in the company of accepting people, who have some of the same views as I do. I have struggled with this since I was about 13 or 14 (Being sub) and I have never ever been out of crossdressing for more than about 6 months. GoddessDustyGold, you are correct in your assumptions. Thank you all again, and if there is my special angel reading this, please write........Arrow782001 sends

QueenRah -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/10/2005 2:33:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arrow782001 ...I have searched for about 20 years now to find a woman who wishes to have a "Vanilla" relationship outside the home, but with a kinky twist while we are at home. ...I would like to find a woman who doesn't mind that I love to crossdress, and have her feminize me (ie strapon, I wear panties to work, I am in the female role sometimes during sex etc) But she would like to have a family. Arrow, I found your question to be of interest to me, as it appears to me, we are seeking very similar type relationships. For me, the predominance of my D/s relationships stays at home. Yes, I expect my man to be a gentleman; yes, I expect him to defer to me; but we don't take "collar and leash" out to dinner or to sis' house on Friday night. I, too, seek a long-term, loving relationship, possibly with family. I believe that many of us are well-rounded people who don't feel compelled to live, breathe, eat and sleep our kinks, 24/7. The kinks are just a part of a multi-faceted whole that makes up our individual persons. If you've been actively "hunting" for 20 years, I'd say you might consider looking for more fertile ground, changing your hunting gear and/or strategy. You may also need to detemine who's better "game." If you want a wife/mommy/Domina, then you might want to get off the trail of the leather/sports car/UberDomina. (Just for example - not assuming any of the above is a part of your experience.) Good luck! QueenRah

Arrow782001 -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/10/2005 3:52:02 PM)
Dear QueenRah, You have hit the nail on the head. For me, it is an expression of who I am, and the most important thing is that the lady understands that. I have to state that it is refreshing to hear that there are parallel views out there. I have always sought to be in a relationship which is just like what you have described. Thank you

iamdownonmyknees -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/11/2005 2:48:35 PM)
Most crossdressers are straight. A surprising number of them leave with women who have come to accept often enjoy their crossdressing. (For some reason I have a large number of transvestite friends and acquaintances.) While I’m not a transvestite my lover / Goddess is a mtf transsexual. She’s encountered much of the same hostility and incomprehension that you have. I never can understand it since gender is more of the heart than the anatomy. Our relationship blends both some fairly heavy D/s and S&M and lots of conventional affection. But it took us a very long time to find each other. Saying be patient is no help. Sometimes there’s just no other choice. You seem honest and kind. Letting that come through and using good BDSM sites like this and CollarMe will hopefully let you find someone with whom you can meet each others needs. Best of luck, Richard

AAkasha -> RE: Am I in the wrong place? (9/11/2005 7:32:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arrow782001 Hello, I hope this isn't perceived as a "Bitch session" but, I was just wondering if anyone has any advice, or can offer any suggestions. I have searched for about 20 years now to find a woman who wishes to have a "Vanilla" relationship outside the home, but with a kinky twist while we are at home. I am a "switch" I guess, because some of me likes to Dom, but, most of me would like to be sub at home. I would like to find a woman who doesn't mind that I love to crossdress, and have her feminize me (ie strapon, I wear panties to work, I am in the female role sometimes during sex etc) But she would like to have a family. I am mixed up and confused. I have had these feelings all my life, and I am damn tired of being called faggot, gay,weird, homo etc. because I dont feel that is who I am at all. Can anyone help? Thank you so much Who has been calling you things like "faggot, gay, weird, homo?" How did these people find out about your kinks and what lead to their comments? Yes, there are femdoms that do search for otherwise normal relationships with the kink in private. Not all femdoms need to be extremely active at bdsm clubs and they still have mostly vanilla friends. My friends for the most part know that I'm kinky, but it doesn't really get brought up. It's just part of who I am. I may show quite a few hints of my sexuality during the day through flirtation or my behavior, but an unsuspecting witness wouldn't notice it. Some of the most intense games are played in front of others while they have no idea. Then the bondage, strap on, nastier play comes out in private. I'm not sure how the kids thing would work -- but lots of women do have a family and kink at the same time. My husband/victim and I don't have kids or want kids, so that gives us a lot more flexibliity and privacy. Other than that, I've always had the exact same goals and aspirations as my vanilla siblings. House, white picket fence, career, travel, adventure -- oh, and a lot of leather and latex. Akasha

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