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trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 8:29:35 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

Very new sub here. Had a good plan...play casually and safely with at least 2 Doms. Free to learn and explore....no real ties other than mutual respect and hopefully friendship at the core.

The problem i am having is that the Doms i play with are both possessive...inherently so...but still, everyone was upfront in the beginning and only now are the rules changing. They play me against the other, compete to mark me, constantly push for information on the other....its exhausting and distracting me from the play.

i chose the Doms i did for distinct reasons and would like to continue with both, but i feel as tho we have gotten offtrack. Now instead of being insulated from the emotional ties that follow intense play, im in the middle of a land dispute.

i would seek some honest advice here. Please dont flame. my original intent was pure. i know its gotten out of hand. Perhaps this is my first real lesson about playing with fire.

Please let me know if anyone is in this situation now and how its being handled. Any advice is welcome. i just want to handle this in the best possible way.

persephone

Post #: 1

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 8:36:22 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

If they both agreed int he beginning sharing you was fine, and everythign really is ont he up and up....
Have them come together and settle it themselves instead of using you as proxy to eachother. Talk to each of them, tell them how you feel, and that if there's an issue, the three of you should all get together and talk at the same time. If they have an issue with you, they need to address it, but if they have an issue with eachother, they shouldn't be wearing you down for it.
If they are both particularly aggressive about their possessiveness, don't let them force you to choose, back up from the whole situation, and stop play until they can come to terms with what they want. If they can't handle sharing you THEY need to be honest about it.

Long story short, it requires talk, and good communication between all three of you.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 2

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 8:36:47 AM

justdavid

Posts: 30
Joined: 7/19/2005
From: Saint Joseph, MO
Status: offline

In the end people are going to be who they are. Communication and sticking up for yourself is what you need to do. If you want to continue what you are doing then they have to agree to let it continue.

It has nothing to do about right or wrong and everything to do if the situation works for all three. If it is not working for anyone then discuss what can be done if anything but just do not expect a strong trait like what you refer to just disappear because one verbally agrees to something.

If it works my guess is all three of you are just going to have to grow thicker skin in dealing with each other.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 3

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 9:13:14 AM

TethersEnd

Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

it may feel out of place to stand your ground by telling them they have exceeded the orginial agreement, (you know that i'm the sub thing and i'm supposed to be agreeable thing) but... the agreement was yours to make and you can change it. i know it must suck to have to go through the process again to find the right fit, but if they cant play by your rules you have no choice.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to justdavid)

Post #: 4

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 9:38:03 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

Males, many.... not all, dislike sharing....and ofcourse they both try to get you. Isn't that kind off natural for Doms?
Perhaps it is wise for you to keep looking for others...and perhaps just 1..makes it less complex

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to TethersEnd)

Post #: 5

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 9:57:23 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

If I were in your shoes I would simplify by deciding which of these two situations provides you with the greatest learning experience and concentrate on that liaison and politely remove the other top from the equation. If this situation was going to work it would already be working - you said that everyone was on the same page and upfront to begin with.

In all honesty, even if you followed my advice you'd still end up playing with someone who did not abide by the agreements you had originally set with him. If I were in your position I am not sure I would even be a party to that. I would be reluctant to "reward" someone who behaved like that but at the same time you may not want to leave yourself high and dry.

One valuable lesson you are learning (perhaps without even realizing it) is that some people can keep their promises while others cannot. They've already shown that they cannot do the casual thing too well. Let's hope they do better with the 'safe' thing.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 6

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 10:03:50 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

You entered into NSA relationships and told them each up front that you would in fact be with other people, correct? I'm not sure why they would even know about the other, if you are telling them, knock it off. People can either do NSA or not. If they can't and you truly desire it, then you need to find someone that can.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 7

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 11:09:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Tell them both clearly that you haven't submitted to either, and their poor behavior is leading you to decide to never see either of them again. Then call red anytime they start this shit.

It's perfectly fine for one or both to decide that they like you a lot, and would like to be your one and only. As long as they ask you. They've forgotten the consent bit involved.

I think I'd go back to a public dungeon and play there for a while where the rules are clearly understood and you can yell for a DM if necessary. And in the meantime, I wouldn't see them until they decide they can or cannot continue as casual only and talk to you about it honestly.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 8

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 11:12:31 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

You entered into NSA relationships and told them each up front that you would in fact be with other people, correct? I'm not sure why they would even know about the other, if you are telling them, knock it off. People can either do NSA or not. If they can't and you truly desire it, then you need to find someone that can.

What she said....

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 9

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 11:56:33 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Refuse to be any go between, tell them they need to stop making comments about the other when you are around and contain themselves if they want to continue playing with you- and if they don't, then they are choosing that they don't really want the relationship with you at all.

That's not topping, that's keeping to your commitments and forcing them to choose to be responsible mature adults or loser whiner babies.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 10

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 1:58:23 PM

vampiresscammy

Posts: 97
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Tell them both clearly that you haven't submitted to either, and their poor behavior is leading you to decide to never see either of them again. Then call red anytime they start this shit.

It's perfectly fine for one or both to decide that they like you a lot, and would like to be your one and only. As long as they ask you. They've forgotten the consent bit involved.

I think I'd go back to a public dungeon and play there for a while where the rules are clearly understood and you can yell for a DM if necessary. And in the meantime, I wouldn't see them until they decide they can or cannot continue as casual only and talk to you about it honestly.

/agree

_____________________________

Drink for a drink

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/10/2008 2:20:40 PM

mstrj69

Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline

Remind them both that someday you may want to choose to be with just one but their actions of late have ruled them out as being just that one. They can either change and quit trying to put you in the middle or they can understand you may drop both of them. Then go find the one you really want to be with and whom understands you and whay you want as they apparently do not.

Your choices are simple, they change back to the way you wanted and you continue with both or you eliminate both and find someone else. This can be done by having a third top you while you are still with the other two and if that third is whom you want then leave the other two for him.

(in reply to vampiresscammy)

Post #: 12

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/11/2008 5:46:11 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Rules cannot change unless that is properly negotiated, and that is up to you to enforce. Dump 'em both, and find more mature men.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 13

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/11/2008 10:40:58 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

hey there its persephonee again...and i wanted to tell you all that you were all 100%correct...and that i spoke to both Doms and decided to set some boundaries and to act like grownups...now i dont think well all be playing together in the near future...but this one can only hope to be so lucky! Thank you all for all your advice!

persephone(e)

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 14

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/11/2008 11:14:30 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

persephonee,

Well you must offer something special that neither one has walked away from you for the dualality.

CP

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 15

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/14/2008 5:28:39 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

~grins......~

persephone(e)

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 16

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/15/2008 3:58:07 AM

OldBastardly1

Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline

It seems to me that you have picked the wrong 2 Doms for you. Did their jealousy and possessiveness attract you? It sounds like 2 dogs pissing on a tree, trying to mark territory. Wayyyy too much drama.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 17

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/15/2008 4:11:14 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Very new sub here. Had a good plan...play casually and safely with at least 2 Doms. Free to learn and explore....no real ties other than mutual respect and hopefully friendship at the core.

The problem i am having is that the Doms i play with are both possessive...inherently so...but still, everyone was upfront in the beginning and only now are the rules changing. They play me against the other, compete to mark me, constantly push for information on the other....its exhausting and distracting me from the play.

i chose the Doms i did for distinct reasons and would like to continue with both, but i feel as tho we have gotten offtrack. Now instead of being insulated from the emotional ties that follow intense play, im in the middle of a land dispute.

the answer is obvious keep up the drama and add another dom to the mix. Hell make it a even 7.... so you can have drama each day. And just maybe you wont have time to post

BadOne

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 18

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/15/2008 4:30:33 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Unlike some of the other responders I am going to give the benifit of the doubt and assume that one of the reasons you chose those particular Doms wasn't because you would enjoy the drama and attention of the powerstruggle over you (Do you find it flattering perchance?).

Whatever elements in each that drew you to them... wake up and smell the coffee, those elements come as part and parcel of the rest of the persona. Neither WANT to share you with the other and the drama is likely to continue so long as you are involved with both. The best you can do is inform them that their actions are making you uncomfortable and that they should sort it out between them.... if that doesn't work then you are looking at dropping one or both and starting afresh with Doms who can handle that sort of situation..... Unless of course the drama IS what you are looking for, if so then carry on as you are... just don't try looking for sympathy for a situation you brought about and won't do what is needed to correct it. you are not Owned by either, the responcibility for your actions is yours alone.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 19

RE: trying to decide.... - 2/15/2008 4:42:18 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

The three of you need to sit down and have a chat. Apparently there were (or should have been) some rules/boundaries in place and now those have fallen to the wayside. Somehow you need to find a workable solution to this jealousy problem. It may end up that you have to choose one of these Doms to serve if they can't learn to share their toy nicely.

Good luck
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 20

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