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Am I really a dom? - 2/10/2008 10:51:21 PM   
Spankuvrymuch


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/18/2007
Status: offline 		I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens.

I think I am a dom, but I am not sure.  I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman.  Yet I believe women to be equals in all things.

The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on.  How does all that work with sexual domination?  How can this contradiction hold?

Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/10/2008 10:54:57 PM   
greyangelus


Posts: 192
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		Ask yourself this question.

Do I feel the need to be in charge of the relationship for 'fill in the blank' reasons, EXCLUDING anything sexual?

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/10/2008 11:04:05 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		Nicely summed up grey.  

(in reply to greyangelus)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/10/2008 11:08:42 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch

I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens.

I think I am a dom, but I am not sure.  I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman.  Yet I believe women to be equals in all things.

The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on.  How does all that work with sexual domination?  How can this contradiction hold?

Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me?


That does not a dom make...  What you describe sounds like plain sex to me.  If you enjoi it do it.  I would not be hung up on "what do I call myself"  I had a rather interesting conversation with my slave last night.  She was reading the posts on here and came across a post that had words to the effect... "if you hurt girls the person that does it MUST hate them"  So she's like do you hate me and girls in general....

Instead of answering I asked her this  "why do you like to be beat"  her response doesnt matter... My point is.  It truely doesn't matter what you motives are or what you call yourself.  If you enjoi it do it.

BadOne

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/10/2008 11:32:23 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch

I think I am a dom, but I am not sure.  I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman.  Yet I believe women to be equals in all things.


Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a Dom or Switch that didn't think of me as an equal. To me, being a Dom is about control, not unfairness. There should be more Doms out there with your views.

_____________________________


Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/10/2008 11:32:49 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		     I stuggled with similar questions when I was getting into things myself. Although I identify as sub, I completely feel that I'm the equal of anyone, though submissive. I wouldn't waste time with a dom who didn't feel the same way... I am delighted to serve, but not because I'm less than equal to someone.
    As far as hurting a woman goes, I guess that depends how you mean. If you mean that nothing more hardcore than spanking turns you on, so what? Caning does not a dom make. If you mean that you don't actually want to hurt a woman, that non-fun kind of pain outside of the bedroom or punishment, I doubt you're alone there, and I think that would make you a better dom. There's an enormous difference between hurting a woman for mutual pleasure and hurting a woman for reasons of your own.
    So if you just want a woman to spank and call names and protect, I think you are still absolutely a dom, if you think you are.
 
    Good luck figuring things out.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/10/2008 11:56:48 PM   
Jayxkes


Posts: 138
Joined: 7/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch

I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens.

I think I am a dom, but I am not sure.  I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman.  Yet I believe women to be equals in all things.

The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on.  How does all that work with sexual domination?  How can this contradiction hold?

Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me?

Many doms have had a similar situation early on.  How you feel,  does not mean either you are or are not a dom.  My advice is to not worry about what anyone else, including me, thinks these feelings mean.  Just carry on enjoying yourself,  maybe do a little more research and reading and see where that takes you.

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 3:10:22 AM   
TotalState


Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch

Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me?

I wouldn't worry about being a "real dom".  I don't know if anyone agrees what that actually is, anyway.

And CM is the place for you if you are interested in the sort of lifestyle and discussion thereof that you see here, even a little bit.  From what little you said about yourself, I think you'll fit in just fine.


_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 3:40:06 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch

I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens.

I think I am a dom, but I am not sure.  I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman.  Yet I believe women to be equals in all things.

The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on.  How does all that work with sexual domination?  How can this contradiction hold?

Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me?


First of all it is good that you think about what you do.
Hitting a female for the wrong reasons I see as bad too.
But (yes a but..) in the lifestyle we choose for this. One gives, one recieves...because of an "agreement" you made together...
But if you feeling still says it is bad..yes..it might not be for you. But I can assure you..you are not alone with those feelings, but sadly you have to solve it yourself.


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 3:44:25 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		You sound like one, but I do also wonder if the protection also goes along with being strong, and in control .... (and not just sex), if so I would say yes..

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 3:58:05 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Define what "dom" means to you and see if you fit it. If your "contradiction" means you don't fit your personal definition, then you aren't. It is all what you believe about yourself. No one else can declare you dom or sub for that matter.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 4:39:57 AM   
travelgman


Posts: 187
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline 		If I understand your statement right. You experience sexual pleasure through the application of light pain administered through spankings. But you are turned off by the idea of being abusive, Not in the way some would use the term on here. But meaning you do not want to just physically abuse a women the way some men do.

That statement would apply to many here. I would say most everyone here enjoys at least some measure of giving or receiving pain for pleasure.

I think part of the issue for you-as you are new. Is you still have the same misconceptions that most people who are not in the lifestyle have. Many will not even try to understand the concept of pain for pleasure. So they see any of these activities as abuse. Regardless of whether the person on the receiving end volunteered for it and enjoys it. More than likely you have never had anyone tell you it was ok to feel this way and enjoy these sensations. And another misconception is that a Dom has to be into these things. That being a Dom or sub is all about sex. You can be a Dom and not like any these kinds of sexual activities. You would probably be in the minority around here.  But that would be your right.

Greyangelus really did hit the nail on the head back there though. Do you not only want to be in charge. But need to. Is it who you are? Answer those questions on your own terms to yourself. But never be afraid to ask questions or learn something new. I think most everyone here. Dom/sub switch whatever at one time had to face who they were and learn to embrace it. Something most everyone really has to do in life. Our choices just get frowned upon by the general populace. But sometimes you just got to do what you just got to do.


"I control my destination" - Supafuzz

< Message edited by travelgman -- 2/11/2008 4:53:14 AM >

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 4:49:51 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		First off, you are confusing sadistic and dominant. Frequently these characteristics go together but they don't have to. The Man doesn't get turned on by leaving welts or reducing me to a sobbing, frightened mess. Our preferred activity is bondage and some light spanking.

He's dominant because he wants to take the lead. For example, buying ice cream. If I'm spending more than a couple of minutes trying to pick one, he'll just make the decision and throw a half gallon into the cart. He takes the lead and makes the decisions that have to be made. None of which has anything to do with how you like your playtime.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 4:50:28 AM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: greyangelus

Ask yourself this question.

Do I feel the need to be in charge of the relationship for 'fill in the blank' reasons, EXCLUDING anything sexual?


Yep, what he said.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to greyangelus)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 4:52:51 AM   
scifi1133


Posts: 8529
Joined: 3/27/2007
From: virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jayxkes

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch

I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens.

I think I am a dom, but I am not sure.  I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman.  Yet I believe women to be equals in all things.

The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on.  How does all that work with sexual domination?  How can this contradiction hold?

Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me?

Many doms have had a similar situation early on.  How you feel,  does not mean either you are or are not a dom.  My advice is to not worry about what anyone else, including me, thinks these feelings mean.  Just carry on enjoying yourself,  maybe do a little more research and reading and see where that takes you.

Well said Jay...was just about the same thing I was going to write.

_____________________________

I'm the happy fascist slut.
awwwwwww yeeeeeeeeah
And I see your schwartz is as big as mine.
My heart 10-01-72 / 10-16-09


(in reply to Jayxkes)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 5:04:06 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think you can answer this for yourself outside of real relationship experience.  A few years ago, I decided I wanted to figure out how "far out" I was, and so I intentionally cruised "extreme" web sites, like torture sex porn, to see what visual images resonated with me.  As far as that stuff goes, I'm a wuss.

But I'd be willing to explore a lot of things with a woman I cared about.  Also, almost all the women I've met online-to-real CHANGED THEIR PROFILES after meeting me.  I'm not good at casual, fluffy conversation.  If you're on a date with me, we're going to talk about life, the future, who you are, what you want to become.  It's only through serious interaction with other people that you'll discover who you really are, or who you really want to make yourself into.

Just be honest about who you are.  As you spend time with women potentially interested in you, you will discover more about yourself.  Lots of people started as a sub and became a Dom, and vice-versa.  Who cares?  The important thing is whether they are decent people.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to scifi1133)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 7:39:31 AM   
TracyTaken


Posts: 615
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on.


You are comparing yourself to:  "a hero," "knight in shining armor" and "Prince Charming."  In my mind, all of that equates to fiction.  If you presented yourself as actually being those things, I would consider you dishonest and probably less of a Dom than a kiss ass. 

(in reply to Spankuvrymuch)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 7:47:24 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		I think just the fact that you are questioning yourself and seeking answers about who you truly are says more about you than anything else.  It also makes you more of a Domly person than most here, in my eyes.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to TracyTaken)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 7:51:04 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		People who follow stereotypes, become  stereotypes.

A Dominant Is who he is, in spite of them.

I would consider most "Doms" here to be guys who follow a pack to kiss up to pussy.

They bottom to a fantasy to get laid.

Actual Doms seem to be the exception-rather than the rule.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Am I really a dom? - 2/11/2008 7:55:57 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: greyangelus

Ask yourself this question.

Do I feel the need to be in charge of the relationship for 'fill in the blank' reasons, EXCLUDING anything sexual?


I will echo this as well.

If you just like to be a hero/need hero worship then that would not make you a Dom. That would make you someone with self esteem issues.

One of the most difficult things in life in general is to understand and accept that people are different. This is often the biggest hurdle for new dominants to accept that submissives are just wired differently. It is just common to think what you like or dislike others will feel the same way but this does not translate well to D/s. What you would never do a submissive might live for and vice versa.

I see nothing from the OP but common thoughts a sane person might have. Learning and understanding that not everyone who calls themselves a submissive might be a match but surely there will be some people on the opposite end who will want what you have to offer hopefully in time.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to greyangelus)
Profile   Post #: 20
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