Master who lies and cheats (Full Version)

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harmoni -> Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:08:56 AM)

I have had a Dom who has told me how special I was, I was his only girl, made plans to meet him next month, and then I find him scening with other girls, not once but many times.  He tells me they mean nothing, only cyber, and I am the only one who is special.  I waited for him for three days to share exciting news about our plans to meet, arrangements made, and heard nothing from him.  Then, I find him in a chat room with another woman.  I was crushed.  Then, other Doms and sistas shared with me that he was a player and in there all the time using other girls.  I have been used and really hurt by his actions.  This makes me very leary of trusting another Dominant.  I am really new to this lifestyle and gullable I guess, but it does not make me  hurt any less.  Am I wrong to feel this way.  Am I wrong to think that a D/s relationship is one of trust, loyalty, and respect.  I feel that by my submission to a Dominant should be considered a gift that is treasured and should be special.  I was under the impression that we had an exclusive relationship, but evidently that means that the Dominant still has the perrogative to play with others.  This is confusing to me.  I want to be cherished, protected, loved, and respected by a Dom and I just cannot see that if a Dom continues to play with other subs.  Don't get me wrong, I am open to having other women with U/us together, but not behind my back.  I feel as though I have been lied to and used in a very ugly way.  Someone please help me to clearly see what is expected in a Dom/sub relationship.  Is this the way it is supposed to be?  Are my expectations unrealistic?  HELP!



RedMagic1 -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:17:28 AM)

If monogamy is a hard limit for you, and you communicated that to him, then he is not a respecter of boundaries, and you should move on.  There are several threads going on now about online relationships vs. real.  I'm very much in the "get real" camp myself, because so many people act as though something doesn't really mean anything if it's just on the computer screen.

If you did not communicate your limits clearly, and if you got deeply emotionally invested into a man you have never met, I would suggest improving those things.

In my case, my brand new gf has explicitly asked me about the possibility of including other people.  On the one hand, my macho ego is saying "Hell, yeah."  On the other hand, I know for a fact that it is wayyyyyyyyy too early to introduce anyone else.  You have to build a foundation of companionship and trust first.



lilabbotsfordgrl -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:18:21 AM)

Didn't you start this exact same thread with the exact same title a couple weeks ago?



antipode -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:22:02 AM)

Unfortunately, your experience is, I think, quite common. The advent of the $300 PC has made the cheaters crawl out of the woodwork, and all over the Internet, we just have to live with that. It works the same way for us - most of the subs are cybering, having fifteen conversations at once, and then disappear completely, after making the wildest promises.


So I don't know what to suggest to you, it is a pain, but not intrinsically different from meeting someone in a bar, who is pretending to be single. You just have to look for the signs, they are often there. Persevere, and be a good negotiator, a bit of a psychologist, make your expectations very clear. I don't know if this will work for you, but I have completely abandoned IM and chatrooms. You will find that that removes 90% of the fakes and flakes from your inbox. And if you insist on having the man's home phone number, as in landline, you can call them at 2 in the morning, make sure they're not living with someone, or in a dormroom or shared apartment. Etc..


m



RedMagic1 -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:25:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
I have completely abandoned IM and chatrooms. You will find that that removes 90% of the fakes and flakes from your inbox.

Online Chat Rooms is one of my few hard limits.



sunkstar -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:35:46 AM)

Any relationship should be based on trust, loyalty and respect, but you only get them when your partner chooses to give them to you, no matter in D/s or vanilla relationships.

you submission is surely very valuable, but is a gift to your Dom only when he chooses to treat it as a gift. If he treats it like crap, you should either take your gift back or throw him away. IMO, he doesnt deserve your gift.



harmoni -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:39:34 AM)

no i have never been on here before, this is my first time.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 5:53:27 AM)

Don't settle for anything less than what you want and need to be happy. Don't submit to someone who you cannot trust. I generally can't trust anyone online, but I'm jaded. Meet them, know them, before you put your heart out for them to play with.
Your expectations are not unrealistic, and once a limit is discussed and agreed upon, you are BOTH obligated to adhere to that!
Being a mystical 'dom' is no excuse for lying, being unfaithful or any negative trait. Just avoid online wankers, get to know the -person- behind the screen name before you look at them as a prospective partner. Most of the 'online-players' generally won't take the time to 'get to know you' for more than a couple weeks, they'll try to push for some sort of sexually explicit play or talk from you.
Hold out for what you want, it's not selfish it's not unsub-like, it's you, being reasonable and looking out for yourself. A real dom who will cherish you, will respect you for being firm on what you want and expect from a relationship.



KatyLied -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 6:20:07 AM)

I think it is unrealistic to expect monogamy from someone you've never met.    Perhaps after a relationship is established, but before you've met?  



angelikaJ -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 6:49:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I think it is unrealistic to expect monogamy from someone you've never met.    Perhaps after a relationship is established, but before you've met?  


KatyLied...
I would agree with you and do in principle but he should have been upfront with her about it...not lied to her and told her she was his only... .
In doing that he showed that he was not trustworthy.
aJ



Viridana -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 6:52:31 AM)

I'm with Katy Lied on this one.....



KatyLied -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 6:53:35 AM)

I pretty much go into this stuff assuming that I'm being given the same line that other girls are.  I wouldn't even consider anything serious until after I've met someone.  I do not understand why people get so invested in on-line stuff.  I will admit that I don't do the chatroom and I don't really get that entire venue.



toservez -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 6:55:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I think it is unrealistic to expect monogamy from someone you've never met.    Perhaps after a relationship is established, but before you've met?  


I agree.

People confuse the Internet as a life or what can get accomplished using it. What the Internet is when trying to find another person is simply another tool. It is a substitute for going to a bar, meeting someone in church, being set up by a friend and things of that nature.

Does one go out for a night at a bar with friends leave the bar after the first ten minutes because they talked to someone they liked and gave them a phone number, no of course not. When at the bar the man comes up and tells you that you are the prettiest girl that he has ever seen do you really believe him, of course not. Why would one think the Internet is any different.

As far as the man knows you have not met in person and could not show up when the time comes. It happens to many from both roles and genders a lot. While it sounds like he used words I personally would not choose to flatter you and I can see why you would think twice about keeping in contact with him, to think typing on a keyboard is anything more then talking to a man you met at a bar for a half hour and expecting their total commitment is unrealistic.

Also, yes many of these relationships are founded in trust, love and loyalty. No, they are not any more special then regular relationships. To think what you have to offer to someone is more special now that it is in the context of D/s is not a realistic way of viewing it. This life has all the normal human behaviors and faults in it and nothing more. It is just for many of us the best way for us to live and be happy.



Vanatru -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 7:47:12 AM)

harmoni,
it probably would help if you dropped the idea of your submission being what's special about you and acknowledge that you want the guy to want you because you (as an individual) are special and should be appreciated and loved for your uniqueness. Just as (I'd hope) you valued and wanted the guy because he meant everything to you, and not just for the roles he can fill for you.



kinkypuppy2 -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 8:37:56 AM)

No its not supposed to be like that.
Many Dom's feel that the can do whatever they want and any submissive they have a relationship with will just have to accept it.
However, Trust is a two way street and has to go both ways, If you cannot trust the one your with how can you trust your body to them and how can they expect to receave the same trust.



MistressOfGa -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 11:38:31 AM)

I will admit that I have not read your OP. The reason why is simple. Your title says it all.
 
Master who lies and cheats
 
Any man who lies and cheats is one big old fat loser in my book. No matter the reason. No matter the excuse. There is NO reason, NO excuse to justify lying.
 
MoGa



OmegaG -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 11:50:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

harmoni,
it probably would help if you dropped the idea of your submission being what's special about you and acknowledge that you want the guy to want you because you (as an individual) are special and should be appreciated and loved for your uniqueness. Just as (I'd hope) you valued and wanted the guy because he meant everything to you, and not just for the roles he can fill for you.


You mean I can't wrap up my submission and give it to him for Valentine's Day?



katie978 -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 11:55:27 AM)

   OP, I think many many women have been in your situation, and it's okay to feel hurt. It's very easy to get attached to people you talk to on the internet. Sharing intimate feelings and details of your life can make you feel very connected to someone. What you need to remember is that usually you're the only one sharing, in my experience. No way to catch a woman's interest faster than telling her to "Tell me about you."
  
   To avoid getting hurt again in the future, I suggest you avoid playing online. Although occasionally fun, and certainly having some uses (well, namely just the one), it is a terrible start to what will eventually be a real-time situation. I'm sure there are exceptions, but usually a guy online who wants to play right away is looking for just that, a quick wank with a willing partner.

  Another good idea is to try not to get to attached before you've actually met them. No matter how smart and funny someone may seem online, once you meet, that side of things may fall completely flat. Also, it's very much more difficult to lie and be convincing at it in person. If a jerk online who lavishes you with attention is playing you, or in a relationship, or any of those things, when you meet him online it's a lot easier to tell he's a sleazebag.

Good luck healing up and feeling better. Yeah, there are a lot of fakers and cheats and jerks online. But then you're gonna meet someone who will make all that time dealing with assholes totally worth it. Good luck.



   Edited to make some sense.



harmoni -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 1:06:27 PM)

Thank You for Your kind words Ma'am.  I really appreicate them.  You are absolutely, lying is lying, nothing more, nothing less.

harmoni



charlotte12 -> RE: Master who lies and cheats (2/11/2008 2:10:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: harmoni

Am I wrong to feel this way.  Am I wrong to think that a D/s relationship is one of trust, loyalty, and respect.  ...  Is this the way it is supposed to be?  Are my expectations unrealistic?  HELP!


You are not wrong to desire a relationship built on trust and respect.  You are wrong to think that a D/s relationship means it will be built on that.  That's not to be harsh at all, this slave went through all the same thoughts when she first got started.  Eventually one learns that D/s relationships are just like vanilla relationships when it comes to these things.  Some Doms will be wonderful, some will be assholes and some simply won't be compatible with you.  Usually a good warning flag is to ask yourself, "would I be ok with this if this was a vanilla relationship?" If the answer is no than the guy is just another jerk.  You find them in all walks of life, be it in bdsm, at the gym or in church.  Usually the quickest way to go wrong is to assume that the same rules that apply to all relationships don't apply to D/s relationships because  "twue Dom" is honest etc. 

Again, this isn't to be harsh, it's just something that this slave wishes she had heard earlier on in her experiences. 

Best wishes,

charlotte



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