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What time frame do you generally set for meeting an onl... - 9/11/2005 10:22:49 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Because I value everything about the life I have built for Myself, I am EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS about getting to know someone from an online encounter.

Four years ago, I met a male sub in an online BDSM chatroom. The sub was impatient to meet Me, yet he IMMEDIATELY agreed to spend whatever time I felt was necessary to establish enough trust and confidence to eventually set up a real time meeting. We spent about 16 weeks getting to know one another online before we met real time, having only exchanged clothed pictures of each other; no nude pics, no cams at the time, only our portrait and online communication to go by.

After four months, we finally met r/t with safe calls, background checks and other precautions in place and it was one of the best things that ever happened to Me. To this day I thank My lucky stars that he was willing to put off his excitement and anticipation long enough to assure My confidence and continued interest in him. Four years later, our relationship, both BDSM related and otherwise, continues to grow and develop and he's become My closest friend.

That willingness to go the extra mile, to spend whatever time it takes to be comfortable, is what makes or breaks My continued interaction with an online contact.

I will tell a potential online candidate that it will be weeks, maybe months, before I will meet them r/t. That usually separates the "do me nows" and the wannabes from the sincere lifestylers. It has been My experience that those who PUSH to rush into real time meetings with total strangers are not looking to build a lasting relationship. I find that spending several weeks over the phone usually reveals the imposters, the substance abusers, the abusive personas and the psychologically 'challenged' for what they are and saves Me a great deal of time and energy in continuing an exchange any further.

If a man is not willing to put the time and effort into meeting My requirements at this early stage, I do not believe he would be likely to meet My needs in the future.

I anticipate that responses to this topic will run the gamut of 'I met him/her THAT DAY!' to more thoughtful and cautious time lines, and I'm sure this topic has been addressed before, but I'd like to see some scenarios of those who have met real/time from an online introduction.

What about You/you? Have Y/you had to learn to be cautious the hard way? Have Y/you been fortunate enough to meet with minimal precautions and never have a negative/dangerous/hair raising experience?

How much time do Y/you spend getting acquainted before Y/you meet r/t? What precautions do Y/you take? How much resistance to Y/your precautions do Y/you encounter? How intolerant are Y/you of those who resist such timelines and precautions?

I look forward to reading Y/your response!

Texas Maam



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 10:32:40 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Most of the people Libby and I meet aren't from the online world at all. Generally we meet them at classes, functions or conventions. If someone from online wishes to meet us, it's up to them to decide the proper interval. We're certainly not sitting around waiting.

However, I did meet Libby online. It was on the days before chatroom. Libby had seen and read my posts on the old Prodigy fiction/anne rice board and she decided she wanted to meet me.

On Febuary 19,1992, I got an email saying just "I think we share some things in common." That was followed by a few days of exchanging emails and, then, telephone calls. On February 29th, she walked into my apartment. Before coming, she had checked out the information I'd given her, even calling my secretary to confirm I really held the job I had told her about, but it was a leap of faith to travel from Boston to Manhattan, a leap that has benefited both of us enormously.

Everyone has their own level of comfort. There really isn't any way to ensure absolute safety so everyone has to decide just how much effort he or she wants expend and how much risk he or she is willing to take.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 10:38:43 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

Everyone has their own level of comfort.


Precisely it. It was usually a slow process for me. However it varied based on whom I was talking to and if I knew other people in the community that also knew them. When I was comfortable, it was time for the next step.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JohnWarren)
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RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 10:45:14 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you, John, (and Libby), for your response! A key, though, was your willingness to 'put yourself "out there" and offer the confirming identification that set Libby at ease. Quite a few years ago I'd have thrown such precautions to the wind a LOT more easily. Now, cyberspace being what it is, experience has made Me perhaps Overly Cautious, if there is any such thing.

What a TREAT to receive your reply.

Thanks so much,

Texas Maam

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 10:45:30 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Once I GET to the point of knowing I want to continue with someone and actually meet them offline, we meet as soon as practical.

For example, I've a girlfriend online who I've been wanting to meet since last spring. Finances and schedules have prevented us but we have set solid plans to meet next month. When my boyfriend and I were talking, once I decided to meet with him, we went out to lunch the next day since he only lived a half hour away.

The tricky part is how long does it take before I know I WANT to meet someone offline. If we are in active communication and working towards a relationship, it can be just a few days. If it's a casual thing that develops organically, it has taken a few months.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
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RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 11:06:53 AM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		so far for ME 30 days or less

wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 11:13:56 AM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		Have to say the subs/slaves I have met were normally at functions though I may have spoken to them online first. But I think time frames differ from situation to situation depending upon the person. I have played with people the first time I have met them and I have waited till quite a few meets before playing.

< Message edited by WickedKev -- 9/11/2005 12:28:36 PM >

(in reply to lonewolf05)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 11:18:27 AM   
ChainedAngel


Posts: 72
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		If it is just someone I am getting to know casually and he or she is in my general area, I usually start looking for a meeting within a week or two, just to sit down and have a cup of coffee to verify each other's existence. If it is for something more serious, I start looking for the meeting when I am comfortable with the idea of meeting him and not before that. If he needs more time after I express an interest, I give it a month or so.

If the person is outside my area, I give it a couple months, and I either expect him to come meet me on my home turf or I get all the personal info about him that I can before going to him. Whether it is a short distance or long distance meeting, no matter the gender of the person I am going to see, I always do it in broad daylight or in a public area. Gotta be safe, ya know.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 11:31:41 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		I prefer to meet a person as fast as possible, if there is any desire for play or sexual interaction.

If I'm just going for friendship, than I could care less when we meet, but I am much better able to judge whether or not we would be compatable face to face.

I tend to offer to meet someone for coffee after less than an hour of converstaion. A coffee date is non-threatening, and since I don't play on a first encounter--it's mostly a screening for "would this person be compatable with my partner and myeslf" I really have no worries.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to ChainedAngel)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 11:44:22 AM   
Veav


Posts: 150
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		What timeframe? Usually around 10 or 11 AM.

...hey, everyone else is giving useful answers - someone's gotta crack jokes here.

_____________________________

Yes, I am Gordon Freeman. Accept this, and move on with your life.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 12:07:12 PM   
MemphisDsCouple


Posts: 146
Joined: 11/1/2004
From: Memphis, TN, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

I will tell a potential online candidate that it will be weeks, maybe months, before I will meet them r/t. That usually separates the "do me nows" and the wannabes from the sincere lifestylers. It has been My experience that those who PUSH to rush into real time meetings with total strangers are not looking to build a lasting relationship. I find that spending several weeks over the phone usually reveals the imposters, the substance abusers, the abusive personas and the psychologically 'challenged' for what they are and saves Me a great deal of time and energy in continuing an exchange any further.

If a man is not willing to put the time and effort into meeting My requirements at this early stage, I do not believe he would be likely to meet My needs in the future.
Texas Maam



It seems to be generally believed that the highest percentage of the d/s population is submissive males, while the lowest percentage group of that same population is dominant females. This may influence your success with your strategy.

Personally, I've found there are far too many time wasting people online to go through the procedure you prefer. I want to separate the wheat from the chaff much more quickly than you. If a person is unwilling to meet in person pretty quickly that shows insincerity to me.

That said, the meeting can be pretty much anywhere. In the police station is fine. And, I have no expectations other than conversation and getting to know each other. But I do expect the level of sincerity that puts a flesh and blood face and a voice (and so on) with the online persona and I expect that to happen in very short order.

But then I'm dealing with submissive women and you're dealing with submissive men. That probably makes a big difference.

_____________________________

B. (the male half of MemphisDsCouple)

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 12:14:14 PM   
LadyJC


Posts: 111
Joined: 5/18/2005
Status: offline 		Each ones different. there's not a whole lot of scening going on in my city and to get where it is, is about an hr. and a half's drive. Gets expensive after awhile. So most of the time I'm on here so as not to feel too cut off from the world of BDSM.
I'm actually talking to a submissive online now. While he was working we were just emailing each other through CM just to chat and see what we each liked. So far he openly communicates, I don't have to interrogate him to get more than a one line answer and he seems well composed of himself. Ok and he looks hot too.
Would I like to meet him for coffee? Most definitely but he lives about 2 hrs away, so I just might give it more time to see if he stays interested in me.
Maybe make it another couple of weeks and do lunch or dinner and each pay for their own?
I have my safe guards too. The way I work it is, I have someone call me at a specific time about a half hr after we were supposed to meet just to make sure I'm ok. As well I drive myself to the meeting place and make sure it's a public area.
I recently had one persist in calling me after five minutes of talking. After about a half hr. I let him, after he called he persisted into taking me to a play party when I stated I don't have a way there he said he'd come pick me up and drive me there then drive me all the way back home. Now I won't get into a car with a stranger for 10 min. This is about an hr. an a half to 2 hrs each way. The hair on my neck raised slightly, and I told him no I wouldn't be able to make it.
He continued on being persistant so I've stopped talking to him. Was I wrong? Too paranoid maybe? Not trusting enough? I hear so many stories about abductions and rapes and murders from people on the internet I'm not willing to risk my life for some playparty.
LadyJC

(in reply to Veav)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 2:25:35 PM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		It depends on what level I am speaking to someone.

If it's just chatting online with possibly friends as the goal, I tend to let things flow naturally.

If it's someone that I'm speaking to about the possibilities of serving me, I have a fairly strict schedule. I basically have a one month timeline from first contacting me to meeting.
- 2-3 weeks with regular contact online via email and sometimes IMs
- after this, a phone conversation of an hour or so
- within a week of talking on the phone, meet for coffee


I am simply NOT willing to invest months and months talking to someone before meeting.



_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 2:27:01 PM   
Ks


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/29/2005
Status: offline 		i do agree, time to get to know someone is important..

i also think there this is a progression involved.. you email, talk on the phone, if there is a connection and chemistry there, then meet briefly for coffee.

i don't know that there should be a set time limit, it is what feels right.. and certainly good things are worth the wait!!


(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 2:33:12 PM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline 		When I was actively looking, if I had an interest in the sub (now *there's* the qualifier, lol) and they understood my atypical parameters of service, I would want a vanilla meeting for coffee rather quickly. Because, quite frankly, online interest does not necesssarily translate to real-time...that chemistry thing. Everyone I met was nice, but not my choice.

Ironically, my sub did not think he would be able to meet my requirements, but wanted to meet anyway. That first meeting took a lot of time and patience and persistence and gentle persuasion on his part because I couldn't see why I wanted to waste my time. lol

The rest, as they say, is history.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"


(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 3:14:37 PM   
PassionsHarmony


Posts: 22
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline 		Currently with the Dominant I am seeing and exploring with we are 3000 miles away from each other. We talked via Collarme, IM's, emails for about 2 months. He also talked with a good friend of mine in the lifestyle. She being familiar with the areas he had been to asked some questions.. at the time I didn't get that she was seeing if in fact he had been where he said. I was able to check out his website for work, I had talked on the phone to him and had his phone number, address ect. I also had that given to my mother and my friends. Then took a giant leap of faith that my instincts were good and trust placed well and flew out to spend a week with him. Almost 4 months later now from that first real life meeting things are still going well. I have even met his family, and looking forward to his meeting mine in november. Had he been closer might it have moved forward earlier, I really cannot answer that. Though doubtful, we formed a friendship that is lasting even before meeting face to face. I am positive that even if things do not progress to 24/7 we will continue to be friends, though with things going as well as they are I believe we have a chance there as well.

Like most though I believe it has much to do with level of personal comfort and I think in part to what you wish to form out of the relationship.

Harmony

(in reply to Misstoyou)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 3:25:45 PM   
target


Posts: 46
Status: offline 		i took an ad off of here discouraged by the number of dom's insisting on my phone number or first meet immediately. No discussion no get to know. Strangely enough most of them listed straight on their profiles. It takes as long as it takes for the parties involved. Stick to what makes you comfortable.

(in reply to PassionsHarmony)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 4:55:40 PM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I dislike spending a lot of time beating around (or beating off in the case of many male subs I encounter) the bush before meeting someone. If you live within an hour's driving distance of me (ish) and can come out for drinks or dinner with me...great! Let's do it! Unfortunately, on Collarme, I don't really meet a lot of submissives who can have an intelligent conversation about anything other than D/s and BDSM. For me, it's easier to talk to someone in person. It also gives me the opportunity to look this person in the eye, see how they work, how they interact with me, how we mesh.

However, I did meet my dominant partner after three years of online chat conduct (but only 3 months of "official" dating type interest). I moved in with him. We've been together nearly two years and are very happy together. Of course, I knew he could have a conversation about art, politics, cartoons, movies, furniture and architecture, AND D/s and BDSM.

I don't have a specific time limit, but if I have an interest in someone, I'll have them meet me for drinks at a local (to me) bar, or for dinner at a low key favorite restaurant of mine.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 4:57:13 PM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		Greetings,

I have been in the lifestyle for almost 10 years, inthat time I have meet many people from online in real life. Some I meet immediately, one of my best friends I meet for lunch the very same day we meet in a chat room. There was also a "dominate" who lived 3 blocks from me who I meet online and refused to meet in person. Why? Simply because it was a gut feeling something in our conversations did not feel right.

Now that I am owned, I still meet people although it is at my Master's discretion not my own so my timing is irrelevant now.(lol) Each of us has a different confort level and each person we come into contact with has a different affect on us good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes we just get those hair on the back of our knecks that stand up when you talk to someone.

I think it varies for us all and for every person we may or may not meet in real life from online.


I hope that made sense to more than just myself.(lol)

Nika{Phoenix}
His Gothic Slave

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What time frame do you generally set for meeting an... - 9/11/2005 5:00:51 PM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

i took an ad off of here discouraged by the number of dom's insisting on my phone number or first meet immediately. No discussion no get to know. Strangely enough most of them listed straight on their profiles. It takes as long as it takes for the parties involved. Stick to what makes you comfortable.


I think first conversation demanding a phone number is out of line. I wouldn't give mine.

To me the purpose of meeting within a fairly quick timeframe is not to bypass getting to know one another but rather to get to know each other face to face, which I believe is far more effective than online.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to target)
Profile   Post #: 20
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