liminalRapture
Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline
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Well, I'm probably an "ERS" (although a different variety than the kind you quoted) and I've tried to figure out where my reluctance comes from.
First of all--don't underestimate the damage that the men who think "asshole" = "dominate" can do. Today a man told me, when I warned him I was political, that I'd insulted the troops and was satanic, if I'd support Hillary. Yesterday a man, whom I'd never spoken with, said he wanted to slap me hard, across the face, which is something that is hard with someone I trust. Not what you want to hear from a stranger. Last year, a man I went out with 1 time, took out a number of ads on Craig's List, on my behalf, explaining I was into "violent rape fantasies," and giving my first name, where I worked and my cell phone number.
I doubt seriously that men in a vanilla context say "Oh, I like genital stimulation in the missionary position with simultaneous kisses--let's fuck!" In a nice vanilla context, they treat women like people <gasp> and introduce sex after they know what her favorite hobby and book is, at the very least. I understand men don't want to waste time, but I think it makes women build stronger and safer walls, which makes me, at least, more reluctant to come out of those comfy walls. To me, a "dominate" needs to realize s/he is taking on twice the responsiblity, because s/he needs to look out for both people. It isn't that one person's needs just evaporate. Until that is established, I think my reluctance is well warranted.
A smaller subset of men here seem more interested in filling out a series of check boxes, than making sure that something meets my needs and will be healthy for me. There was one man I went out with for a month, a lovely human being whom I would have been thrilled to meet on a nilla site, but just didn't understand that his curiosity about piercing didn't mean I could go through with it and the pain he wanted to cause was more than I could healthily handle (I don't like pain--I'm just a submissive, but not a masochist and he wanted to play really hard core). I got more and more reluctant as it became more and more clear he didn't really have a clue as to how his behavior would impact me. (That said, he got together with a lovely woman who is a masochist and they are deliriously happy with each other; but it would have been truly wrong for me.)
Another issue--I wish I weren't submissive. Given the choice, I'd much rather be vanilla/kinky than submissive. But I didn't get to pick those boxes at creation, and I'm happier excepting who I am than running away from it. But I ran away for it for years. That certainly adds a je ne sais quois to the porridge.
Finally: It is sexy as hell to have reluctance broken down, as long as it is broken down the right way. "I know you are scared. I understand that _________ makes you feel _________ and I know you have the power to do this. And you will. For me." Now, maybe I'm contradicting myself with the first 2 issues, and this last one can only be done in the right way, at the right time, by the right person. But I think I still have much of my reluctance for that reason.
_____________________________
"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.
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RE: extremely reluctant "submissives" - 
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