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RE: What would you do? - 2/11/2008 8:00:02 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Of course if you know what this guy looks like, you could ask her for her advice about this creepy older guy who keeps harassing you, and said you would be sorry for turning him down. Then if she brings it up, you become shocked and appalled that he photo shopped your pic into such a profile. Because him going out of his way to out you makes me wonder why he would do so, and maybe you did reject him.

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Post #: 21

RE: What would you do? - 2/11/2008 8:16:39 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Don't deny it. Keep calm, even if she's not. Answer any questions she asks with frankness. Ask if she wants to know what you do to keep safe. Remind her that, while you respect her and her home, you're an adult and you're working very hard to go about this in a responsible adult manner. If she takes it all fairly well, ask if she wants to be your safecall. It might work out better than you think. It might even work if you approach her first, telling her the story you just told us.

Master Fire

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Post #: 22

RE: What would you do? - 2/11/2008 10:57:41 PM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allie1027
It is none of her business...but she won't take that for an answer.

You have had some great advice here already, Juliet was bang on the money for me, but I would like to add:

I think perhaps you are doing your mother a bit of an injustice. By not raising the issue with you for months already, she clearly sees your business but still a worry for her. And lets face it, that is her job, to care for you. And credit to her, she is allowing you to make your own choices and I think you have really missed that. So it appears that you are making incorrect assumptions about her, and if you were honest with her she may well surprise you.

As a parent of a 17 year old I worry about her too. Only last week she shouted at me for not letting her make her own mistakes. To which I replied, I am happy for you to make your own mistakes, but if I see a bus coming I am always going to stop you from stepping out into the road, regardless of how old you are.

So far your mum hasn't stopped you from crossing the road........ how more understanding do you actually want?

Faith
:: smiles ::

(in reply to allie1027)

Post #: 23

RE: What would you do? - 2/11/2008 11:06:14 PM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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good point, Faith :)

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Post #: 24

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 6:16:04 AM

Dnomyar

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In my opinion Lady Hathor is wrong. After all you are living at home. You don't make up your own rules when you are living at home period. I think that MasterFireMaam has given you very good advice. Your mothers feelings may be hurt but at least she will see where you are comming from.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 25

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 6:27:52 AM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
Answer any questions she asks with frankness.

She is your mother. She will eventually know if you are lying. If it is something so wrong you have to lie about it, then it will be much more scary for her. I don't know enough about the situation to have anything else to offer, but it is essential that anything you say be 100% the truth.

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(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 26

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 6:42:34 AM

Kirren

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Joined: 9/5/2007
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1) Do NOT lie. If you try to tell her that there is a beautiful life style choice that she may not understand, but you lie about stolen photo shopped stalker images...well thats just going to sour her on the idea as well.

2) Do NOT tell her its your life not hers and she needs to trust you. Mothers, for as long as there have been children, will go into an uncontrolled explosive rage when you say this. It will cause alot of hurt feelings, and a huge fight.

3) If mom hasnt approached you, it could be that she is doing her own research, it could be that she is working it over in her head and ( as weirds as this may seem) thinking about the kinky things she did in the 70's. Or when ever. And realizing that she survived that, so...maybe youll be okay.

4) When she does approach you....be honest. Yes mom, I do this, I know the risks, I dont do it because I am weak, I do it to test My strength, and I do it when I am sure that I will be safe and well taken care of. Yes, books can help, but also, they may be too much detail for her to deal with. Maybe if YOU explain it to her on a level that she will understand, (mom, look at how you used to fix dad his plate and bring it to him when he was watching a ball game, thats submissive to some one you love and trust.)

The long and short of it is, if it hasnt been addressed, it may be too much for her at the moment, and she may be thinking it over. Give her some credit, moms arent so ignorant that they dont KNOW, they just may not know how to deal with what they know...so they wait for the ideal time.

If you really want to talk to her, do it in a manner that she feels safe. No public dinners. Mentally speaking that would mean that you are taking away her ability to be as honest as she could be...yelling if she wants to, or crying if she wants to. And its not fair. It feels like an ambush.

But always be honest. Because your mother is the one person who will be there for you when the "One" turns into that guy that used to tie Me up.

Good luck.

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Post #: 27

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 7:23:29 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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~ Fast Reply ~

quote:

I'm a slave that still lives at home...

It is none of her business...but she won't take that for an answer.

allie,
Your words with the reference to age eliminated because it's not material.

Your wrong. Living in her home makes it her business. It would be the case whether you were her daughter or not, unless you are paying rent under a legal contract. If that were the case you'd have reasonable expectation of privacy.

It's expected that in the age of entitlement for people to feel entitled. Reality is you aren't "independent", you aren't in a position to make your own decisions. You can give all the reasons you want to not be living on your own, but the bottom line is, unless/until you are you have no expectation of your mother minding her own business and leaving you alone.

I haven't read many of the other replies but I'm sure, you've gotten plenty of support here. Pragmatic reality isn't one of the strong suits of many posters. In answer to your "what would you do?" question; I'd preempt any confrontation initiated by mommy and go to her with what you know as fact. Tell her at this stage of your life you feel this lifestyle is one you identify with and you have a goal to live it. You respect her home her right to set the rules for people living under her roof. You will be working toward your goal of independence and until then will not bring something into her house that makes her uncomfortable.

Good luck with that.

(in reply to allie1027)

Post #: 28

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 7:29:42 AM

laurell3

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If you were living at home and your mother didn't know at all, I'm not sure it would be wise to tell her something that might be painful for her that she may not be able to understand. However, that's the the case here she does know and the pain is because she is concerned and needs reassurance from you that you are safe. Should you tell her every intimate detail? Hell no. But you are old enough to act like an adult and attempt to provide comfort for her and tell her that you are making healthy decisions for yourself and she doesn't need to worry. I can tell you that wouldn't appease my own mother and wouldn't end her concern, I hope that's not the case for you.

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(in reply to allie1027)

Post #: 29

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 7:34:03 AM

LaTigresse

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I am going to have to agree with Merc on this one.

Until you live on your own, pay your own bills, ask for nothing from your mother........she has every right to know exactly what is going on in your life. If you do not like her in your business, get your own place.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to allie1027)

Post #: 30

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 8:37:02 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
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quote:

If you were put in a situation like this...what would you do?

Make plans to move out.

"Time for you to leave" -- Master Kan

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Post #: 31

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 9:27:53 AM

allie1027

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Joined: 3/13/2007
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First, I would like to thank all of the posters for their advice...I read most of it before speaking to my mother.

However, I would also like to point out..since it was brought up....I do pay rent. I have paid rent since I was 16 years old. I do not ask anything of my mother...if anything..she asks more of me. I help with bills..electric..water...internet..cable..etc. etc. etc. along with the rent I pay.

I in no way, shape, or form live under the assumption...because I'm 19 I may do as I please. I do tell my parents where I go...who I'm going to be with...and when I'll be home...if I'll be home at all.

This morning before I went to school I spoke with her. I did not lie and I answered her questions open and honestly. I did not offer her any reading material, but I offered her information that I know in my heart. She did not need to know about all of the activities I partake in, but as many said...she needed to know I was safe.

I wasn't defensive..but she was. I'm not sure this conversation between her and I is over..or if it ever will be over. I do know that she doesn't respect what I do..or apparently how I choose to live my life, but she doesn't have to because she respects me as a person.

Again, thank you for all the advice.

Allie

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 32

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 9:37:44 AM

breatheasone

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Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

In my opinion Lady Hathor is wrong. After all you are living at home. You don't make up your own rules when you are living at home period. I think that MasterFireMaam has given you very good advice. Your mothers feelings may be hurt but at least she will see where you are comming from.

Exactly

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I am going to have to agree with Merc on this one.

Until you live on your own, pay your own bills, ask for nothing from your mother........she has every right to know exactly what is going on in your life. If you do not like her in your business, get your own place.

Yep again....

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

If you were put in a situation like this...what would you do?

Make plans to move out.

"Time for you to leave" -- Master Kan

and yep one more time....

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 2/12/2008 9:43:02 AM >

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Post #: 33

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 10:00:04 AM

ViceVersa

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Joined: 11/29/2005
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Hi allie,

Sounds like you've done as well as you can with it thus far. You're a heck of a lot more mature than I was at that age and you've had to have a conversation with your mom about all this which is more than a lot of folks have had to do. Good luck with continuing to work things out - it's a dilemma to manage and not necessarily a problem to solve and that makes it a lot harder.

With respect to the gentleman that outed you, provided that the age of majority isn't 21 in your local (it is in some places), I'd be tempted to address his breach of privacy. I looked it up in collarme's terms of service and it sounds like it would be covered under:

7.3.1. Unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, defamatory, invasive of another's privacy or right to publicity, or harmful to minors in any way, shape, or form;

That might not be a step you'd want to take, but it's an option.

Vice

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 34

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 10:39:32 AM

allie1027

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Joined: 3/13/2007
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ViceVersa- That is not a step I would like to take. What he did was wrong, and hurtful on many levels, but I believe it's unnecessary to react in that way. Any damage that he could cause me has already been done. I'm a little hopeful that he sees this topic...that's about it.

Allie

(in reply to ViceVersa)

Post #: 35

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 11:03:22 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allie1027

I wasn't defensive..but she was. I'm not sure this conversation between her and I is over..or if it ever will be over. I do know that she doesn't respect what I do..or apparently how I choose to live my life, but she doesn't have to because she respects me as a person.

Hi Allie,

I am pleased you have at least started talking to you mom about this. It must have been a very difficult situation for both of you.

Your mom was defensive? Of course she was, to be honest, she is your mom, she would defend to the point where she would die for you, sadly right now she is trying to save you from yourself, and given the negative press that BDSM often gets, she probably truly believes you need saving. Maybe she will get over it, maybe she wont, only time will tell.

I figure I am perhaps the same generation as your mom, my eldest is 17, so ballpark, and it took me four years to accept that I was submissive, to come to terms with the fact that I like to be physically beaten by my man, who controls everything that I do or say. It went against everything I had been raised to be, yet I still desired it so, craved it, and eventually accepted it as a need. So being a similar age to your mom I can really see where she is coming from.

Her thoughts about BDSM will have been formed over many years, they are not going to change over night. You have every right to live your life how you want it, and she has every right to worry about you. Already you have shown great maturity in how you have handled this, credit to you, and I smile in a freindly way when I say, we were all given two ears and only one mouth for a reason.

Good luck,
Faith
:: smiles ::

(in reply to allie1027)

Post #: 36

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 11:31:26 AM

OrrisKitten

Posts: 59
Joined: 7/18/2007
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I am glad that talking to your mom went well! I also live in my mother's house, but have been very open with her about it and she is coming from a different standpoint than your mom (my mom used to be a Domme, which I knew before I outed myself to her as a submissive).

I just wanted to suggest another possibility- talk to your sister and explain things to her as well. She seems to be the one hearing both sides and may want to be sure you are 100% safe as well, which could also help to make your mom a bit more at ease if she has both of her children assured that you are safe and sound in what you do. Also, having your sister aware (now that she knows) of things never hurts.

I once had choosing to be in the BDSM lifestyle explained to me as being a lifestyle as much as homosexuality. When a child comes out as gay to a parent/family, they are sometimes encouraged to talk to people they love about it to help them understand. Maybe it should be treated the same way in this case? (I am not sure of your family or what you already talked about with your sister, but this is just a suggestion) Even if your mother cannot support your choice, then maybe having your sister's backing will help you feel more comfortable and at ease.

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Post #: 37

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 11:43:06 AM

allie1027

Posts: 19
Joined: 3/13/2007
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OrrisKitten- My sister believes being a slave makes me weak. When my mother showed her my profile she said she was disgusted. I have a very open..loving relationship with my entire family. However, there are certain things they don't understand nor do they want to. I explained everything in more detail to my sister than I did my mother. I told my sister most of the activities I partake in and the precautions that are set in place.

You gave a very good suggestion, and I appreciate it, but it won't work in my case. My sister and mother included have no desire to learn or understand. They accept me, but not my lifestyle...and I won't ask them to do something that they can't. I don't want to make the situation more uncomfortable than it already is.

Thanks though.

Allie

(in reply to OrrisKitten)

Post #: 38

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 12:12:20 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
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A mother here, one whose son is a Dominant.

Don't wait.

As much as I suspect you would like to don't.

Ask her to sit down and talk with you one evening. Bring it to her as if you don't know someone outted you. YOU want to talk to her about this so SHE won't worry about anything she may see.

Be prepared for tears, recriminations and questions. She won't want to know particulars I suspect, but she will want to know that you are safe and being safe. If she asks how this started be honest, tell her that it wasn't from something you have hidden from her, but feelings you had within yourself from whatever age. Reassure her that everything she taught you as a child, still goes, that she gave you a good foundation and because she did you are able to follow your heart in a safe and healthy way.

More than anything, parents want to know that their children are safe. You will always be our child and we will worry about you until the day old timers makes us forget you have grown up and are no longer 5 years old with a skinned knee. That should be about 1 hour before St. Peter gets to us in line. She may never understand your sexual choices, she may one day come to a point where she does, but please never forget, just about everything our kids do, we have done or been friends with someone who has done it. We may know good outcomes and bad, and may try to scare you straight

but ultimately, we love you and do know you need to make your own choices in the world. If you can get all of you to dinner it may help, it may not, hell for that matter she may look at him with a steely eye, the bread kknife in hand and say if you ever hurt my daughter..... We parents reserve that right, even when you are 50, so expect it at 19.

OTOH I would be wondering about the person who outted you looking on here for younger sub/slaves and focused on a 19 year old's profile, if I were her.

poenkitten (who knows each and everone of us is someones child)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 39

RE: What would you do? - 2/12/2008 1:19:44 PM

travelgman

Posts: 187
Joined: 2/1/2008
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It is never easy telling the ones who you love the most any kind of news you know will hurt them. But you are holding up as well as can be expected it seems.And you show much strength of character even if your mother may not see it.

A lot of good points have been brought up. But I would like to add a few points of my own.

Is there anyway you can put your life on terms you mother may be more able to relate to. I suspect a lot of this is the terminology. Slave is a hard word for many in the lifestyle even sometimes to accept. One can only imagine what your Mother thinks of it. I am sure she is imagining you being forced to do the most vile things she can come up with. And wondering how you got brainwashed into all this and what went wrong. And even where she went wrong and how she failed you. She is your mother and she may never show it to you or tell you. But I would bet that last part is a big reason this is so hard for her to accept.

I suspect while she would not like it. It would be easier to accept if you had been a sub. That would at least imply choice on your part. Where as slave does not. And while you and I may realize you do have a choice. She may not. Your Mother has to be able to relate to this somehow before she will ever accept any of it and begin to trust you in it.

Would you not be concerned if you knew a friend was in a relationship like yours but unlike you they were being physically and mentally abused. That is more than likely what your mother is seeing and naturally it is not what she wants for her child.

Your mother sounds like a strong lady. But through the years she has seen many women and had friends who were submissive to their husbands and boyfriends. Not in the direct formal sense that many people on here use. But simply women who let the men in their lives take the lead. She may not like it. But this may be the only way she will ever be able to relate to you by putting your relationship on this level.

Lastly-- Are you owned by one at this time? I am not clear on this point. If so is there anyway he might consider meeting your mother in a normal social setting?

Take Care and Good Luck.

" I control my destination" - Supafuzz

(in reply to BlackPhx)

Post #: 40

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