RE: I think too much :)

RE: I think too much :) (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Kana -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 7:38:53 AM)
I think that what you are describing is a natural human tendency in a lot of ways. I also think its one of the reasons we have so many divorces in these times. Two people meet, they like each other except for a few things. habits or personality raits that each has that the other doesn't care for that much, maybe some rough edges that need smoothing, things of that nature. So they get together but under the surface, the man thinks he can change some things in her, she thinks she can elicit changes within him.Each of course operating under their own assumptions, heck sometimes its even discussed. They get together, each kind of goes to work on one another in various ways. Say she gets him to stop being so sloppy, he gets her to, oooohh I don't know, stop impulse shopping (I am choosing broad stereotypes here, don't flame me). Over the years they evolve as they change each other. Then one day he wakes up, rolls over and thinks, "She is not the woman I feel in love with." And gets upset. Duh, no shit buddy, its because you changed her. Heres what I think. Relationships involve compromise.We tend to meet each other halfway in a lot of things, even in D/S. They also take work, which most people seem to not like. When the going gets rough, they split. Do I go into something seeking to change major things within the other, naaaah. thats a pointless excercise. But I also tend to find there are a few minor points that I can maybe share some experience and help her row in some ways that may be good for her. say she has a lack of discipline in areas of her life, getting out of bed on time for example. I give her a time schedule to follow and some consequences that will come should she fail to meet the schedule. Am I changing her as a person, nope. Am I changing some of her habits, nope.She has to do that herself. What I can do is provide a structural framework from which she can change some of her external actions. So this is reality and the truth is that we all live in a constant state of flux, the events that we undergo in life change us all the time.I am not the man I was yesterday nor am I the man I will be tomorrow. But hopefully two people can change and grow together as opposed to apart. Thats the key right there. Its about communication, honesty, willingness to be patient and trusting that the other is going to grow with you. Its also about the ability to take constructive criticism. Some of the best things I have learned came from feedback I got from women who served me. The gave me the gift of being honest with me, which I value highly.

toservez -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 8:39:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam For me, I find people that I like and accept on an every day basis. What I work to "change" is their concept of who they are, spiritually (which is more like building self confidence and aiding in self development), how they do some things, how they serve and whatnot. I don't work to change who they are fundamentally. In fact, only they can do that...but what I want them to do is "evolve". I think that makes sense. Master Fire I think when change and people are mixed this is the best and really the only thing you can hope for. I tend to think there are many reasons why there seems to be the emphasis on molding. As many have been mentioned here or not the just mold to their needs in the more superficial type things, wishful molding of a person thinking you can change something fundamental about them and ego changing where they think they can take a person and drastically change them whether from wanking thoughts or white knight thoughts. I also got the sense that many who wrote that in their profile had a couple of other reasons. One, is I think they are trying to mirror many female profiles that may not write this directly but certainly infer a “transformation” in themselves not that I agree with that because we are who we are but there is a lot out there from the ones I have seen. But to me the biggest thing I see is these types of words is I think many use it as a self defense mechanism from years of the societal preaching. Most of the molding usually has words attached to make the person a better human being and I think this view sometimes has a lot of I do not want to feel guilty or think I am selfish so the submissive must get something out of this type thought. Edited for spelling and grammer

usedandpurrin -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 9:12:11 AM)
quote: What you say makes sense to me. The other side is, if a person liked herself already, why would she want to be molded (to use your words "completely altered")? I think this is probably one of the reasonons this occured to me Tracy. My life has made me who i am, it molded and shaped me, its taken 24 years and i have to admit, if a Master/Dom tried to change me, he would be firmly but politely be told where to go. I have no problem with someone trying to rid me of bad habbits and pushing boundries, expanding horrizons tec.. but my basic personality and the way i work? nope! if you dont like me for who i am.... keep moving, sooooo not interested :)

usedandpurrin -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 9:19:53 AM)
Wow thank you all for taking the time to read and actually reply to my insane ramblings :). Im so pleased to find so many intelligent and sometimes completely conflicting points of views. you have all given me a lot to think about, unfotunately dont be surprised if this leads to more question :D But honestly, thank you, im so enjoying being a part of a community like this one where i can discuss these things openly and honestly without having to 'hide a part of myself' its so liberating. Love to you all Purrin

FRSguy -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 9:29:09 AM)
Beyond just the sexual training and the what to do in x situation and the to-do list I cant really see much change beyone that. I have kind of discovered that you cant really change who someone is you just kind of bond together and start growing together and you sort of rub off on each other until the distinctions are blurred. I really wouldnt want it any other way. If it was another way then under the same token why would I even bother truly looking. I could say hey I want a sub you want a Dom, your face and ass look good so get over here and do everything I tell you to do and I will make your life perfect.......LOL. Now if you did do that and didnt search then statisticaly you would only have about a 2% greater chance of a failed relationship as long as your values were to stick it through.... but hey there has to be some kind of mateing dance right? Why oversimplify things.

sweetwenchie -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 10:25:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar Oppisites attract. If they did not then there would be no need for CM. If anything you try to encourage your partner to be be the best that they can be. Subtee you think to much. sweetwenchie stop it before you hurt yourself. awww Dnomyar, i LIKE hurting myself... oh wait, you meant my brain, right? [8D]

Dnomyar -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 11:27:58 AM)
Purrin more questions are always welcome. We have lots of answers that we have'nt used up yet.

BlackPhx -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 11:55:23 AM)
I suspect Master would love to instill a little more submissiveness in me, but he is also wise enough to settle for either finding another female who is submissive to be part of our family for both of us (I am sado/maso), accept that our female dog is the most submissive creature in the house, our male is gonna try and supplant him from time to time and love me for the fiery, alpha female I am. There is nothing I would change about Master, well..ok..I would love for him to be a little less hard on himself, but I am wise enough to know that ain't gonna happen either. Everything else is compromise, even the toothpaste, he has his, I have mine. I don't cook things he doesn't like and he takes me to restaurants every now and then where I can get exotic foods I love and he isn't too crazy about. He knows the pain is enough for me, that sex isn't a part of the dance as far as I am concerned, so again compromise (we finally found one), some nights are pure pain, some sex with pain, so some nights I will get where I need to go and others where he needs to go. His needs will always come first, but he recognizes that some of mine are different from his. Life is compromise. I smoke, he never has, I want to quit, haven't been able to, he is supporting me through another effort. If we get there together, both will be happy, if we don't, we will try again and again until we do. He has never pressured me to do so with the stresses of the past couple of years (divorce, sale of my house, surgeries) though he could have. He doesn't drink, I do, once in a purple moon with his permission. I ask voluntarily, he has never commanded me not to. We revel in the differences that we have for they are part and parcel of who we fell in love with. I know I will never be his perfect slave, but then again, I will always be precious to him for who I am. He tells me so almost daily. poenkitten

chamberqueen -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 12:12:04 PM)
It's an excellent question. I became friends with a Dom who was a shoulder when I needed one, gave me good advice, and in his words protects me from the wolves out there. In his eyes I am a diamond with a few rough edges that he would like to polish. He takes great pride in both my vanilla and lifestyle accomplishments, but wants to leave his own mark on me. Keep in mind that power exchange goes hand in hand with the lifestyle. It makes him feel powerful to make me into a better person. While doing this he has raised - not lowered - my self esteem. The red flags come up when a Dom does the opposite, and there are those that do. Let your little mind keep working. : )

lateralist1 -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 12:28:45 PM)
If I can help anyone to stop doing things which both I and they know are destructive I will. They don't have to be BDSM submissive to me at all. I pretty much care for everyone but that doesn't mean I like everyone. I have to like people who I spend time with and really like someone I get intimate with. And you don't get more intimate than BDSM. So if I ever find anyone I like enough then I will of course want to help them overcome any destructive behaviour. They of course have to want to change. Can't you tell I was a social worker lol.

sweetwenchie -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 12:46:29 PM)
i would never have guessed lateralist [;)] Destructive behavior is one thing to work on changing, personality traits quite another.

greyangelus -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 1:58:37 PM)
quote: Keep in mind that power exchange goes hand in hand with the lifestyle. It makes him feel powerful to make me into a better person. While doing this he has raised - not lowered - my self esteem. It's the greatest feeling in the world, and I've only brushed the edges of it myself.

SirJohnMandevill -> RE: I think too much :) (2/12/2008 6:44:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy I'm not interested in a person I have to remake or mold. I would like them to learn my wants and needs, as I would like to learn theirs. Same philosophy I have, Cowboy. I'd rather do the legwork up front to find someone who already has the attributes I'm looking for. That said, there's always room for growth by both Dominant and submissive. Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125