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On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 10:55:56 AM

ToysAndTies

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I know a few couples that have this dynamic. I am into parties, public play, exhibitionism, multi (more than two) person scenes etc. My girlfriend (another switch) is not. She doesn't want to tell me not to go to parties because it makes her uncomfortabning. I won't go / dlike she's being too confining. I won't go / do these kinds of things knowing they make her uncomfortable. Has anyone figured out how to make this work? Either a kinky partner and a vanilla spouse, or something things along those lines. Pardon my scattered sentence structure, I'm just going flow of consciousness.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 11:20:45 AM

breatheasone

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You both need to talk about what you want from each other and your relationship.... If you both feel you can live with what each other expects, then you continue...and do what you agreed on.... If you both cannot come together on what you need and want from each other ...You part, you find the one that can, and will fulfill you, and your needs.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 11:23:35 AM

celticlord2112

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ToysAndTies

I know a few couples that have this dynamic. I am into parties, public play, exhibitionism, multi (more than two) person scenes etc. My girlfriend (another switch) is not. She doesn't want to tell me not to go to parties because it makes her uncomfortabning. I won't go / dlike she's being too confining. I won't go / do these kinds of things knowing they make her uncomfortable. Has anyone figured out how to make this work? Either a kinky partner and a vanilla spouse, or something things along those lines. Pardon my scattered sentence structure, I'm just going flow of consciousness.

In any dynamic, relationships succeed where there is common ground, and fail where there is none.

The two of you need to talk this through and decide what each of you can and cannot live with--and then decide if there are enough points of intersection to sustain and grow a relationship.

The how? Communication. Talking. Sharing. From both sides, not just one.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 1:38:40 PM

DesFIP

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Could she handle just going and observing with absolutely no play for you two? If so, do this until she's made friends to talk to. At that point could she handle you playing while she stays in the other room and socializes. Would she be okay afterwards to give you aftercare if you've been bottoming, or helping you get your bottom water and a blanket if necessary?

But if you want her to go with you the first time and play publicly, that's equivalent to jumping in the water to see if she can swim. Let her go slowly, and let her set the pace.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 2:20:20 PM

junecleaver

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I don't think you -have- to choose between the relationship or your kinks unless your partner is completely and totally unwilling to compromise. Meeting in the middle takes time, patience, and a whole lot of communication. My Dominant and I have a few kinky things in common, but mostly we are vastly different in the s/m area. I am somewhat of an exhibitionist. I like being naked, playing in front of others, scening with others. My Dominant would rather lock me in a closet for his sole use, I think. As we build trust, as we communicate, as we try to remain patient with one another, both of our limitations expand outward. He's let me demo bottom twice now, which included nudity in front of others and touching by someone other than him. I've become more sensitive to his needs, more willing to serve him, not just hand over control to him. We talk about our feelings until we run out of air. It helps us understand each other. After we've had the same conversation about the same situation five times, the sixth time might be the one where I finally understand his reasoning or I finally make my point clear. Don't avoid the topic, talk about it a lot. Even if it makes you both uncomfortable.

If you feel like your relationship is something positive in your life, don't give up on it. It just takes extra work to make up for not having as much common ground.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 2:24:54 PM

iammachine

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quote:

Pardon my scattered sentence structure, I'm just going flow of consciousness.

The only thing that I have to add that others have not is: maybe try proof reading and a little editing. :)

As for your issue, as always, communication = good.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 3:02:18 PM

lateralist1

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It depends on the kind of relationship you want.
It sounds to me as if you are submissive to her will.
Whether you enjoy that or not only you can say.
If you don't then one or both of you are going to have to compromise for the sake of the relationship or it's not going to last long.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/12/2008 4:08:58 PM

PsyVamp

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If my pet is dead set against going with me for whatever reasons, he can stay home and watch the dogs. I am so much more social than he is, but then again, he didn't spend the last 12 years of his life isolated on a mountain.

Whatever works for you. This is something that needs to be negotiated between two people

Lady Jag

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/13/2008 2:13:38 AM

littlebitxxx

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Agree with the others....communication about how open you want your relationship to be. I'm in an open one now and both have agreed that we can play casually outside, at parties or in private, with whomever we wish and the other doesn't have to come along if they don't want to. Maybe your girlfriend doesn't quite understand the "casual" part of casual play. And if parties make her uncomfortable, she doesn't have to go. You can still go and have a good time, then come home to her. No big deal really.

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RE: On coupling and play. - 2/13/2008 7:13:06 AM

ToysAndTies

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Could she handle just going and observing with absolutely no play for you two? If so, do this until she's made friends to talk to. At that point could she handle you playing while she stays in the other room and socializes. Would she be okay afterwards to give you aftercare if you've been bottoming, or helping you get your bottom water and a blanket if necessary?

But if you want her to go with you the first time and play publicly, that's equivalent to jumping in the water to see if she can swim. Let her go slowly, and let her set the pace.

I would have to agree that this seems to be the best way to go about it. I think the mystery of it all is the problem; they're strangers, she has no idea what a party looks like or is, etc. I think she's picturing everyone naked and an orgy-esque scene. And while that could be fun....haha. Seriously, I think just getting her to come out to munches, realize we're all "normal" for whatever that means in WIITWD, and make a few friends, it'd be a great start.

There's a song that I constantly think of though the name escapes me. It's from when I was a kid (or before).

"You can dance.....(something something something) but don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin', save the last dance for me."

Cheers

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