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Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:05:38 PM

TreasureKY

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Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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I've been reading these forums for a couple of years now and I've occasionally seen it mentioned where it's believed that some people will run away from a relationship because they are scared by how intense their feelings are.

I don't get it.

I can understand someone with problems of insecurity sabotaging a relationship... either consciously or unconsciously behaving in a way that will bring about the relationship demise that they are convinced will happen anyway.

I can understand someone walking away because they aren't ready for a relationship with intense feelings.

I can understand someone leaving a relationship where they have intense feelings but know those feelings will never be returned.

But run away? Scared? Cause it's too good?

Has anyone here ever done that? Would you buy it if someone gave you that excuse?

(lol... Okay, Firm's out of town tonight and I'm a bit bored.)

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:07:43 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
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Perhaps it takes a twue masochist to leave because something's too good? Sounds baffling.

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:09:40 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I've been with a few who did, or who sabotaged it because they didn't know how to handle it.

We tend to get pretty fucked up by the world as we grow- and it can take a lot of strength to meld yourself back into where you want to be.

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:12:08 PM

DomKen

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I got it as a reason for a breakup once. She was a complete novice to WIITWD when we got together and she repeatedly expressed a fear that she was "losing herself" in being submissive to me. Eventually she left me with her reason being that a bdsm relationship was just too intense for her. I still see her artound the scene and from what I hear she has a vanilla bf and she goes to play parties and clubs for the ohysical aspects that she enjoyed so I guess she didn't exactly lie to me but if she had expressed herself better I would have tried to find some happy medium between what I wanted and she was prepared to give.

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:12:40 PM

kittinSol

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A lot of strength, and a lot of time. Do you think people leave when it's good because they feel that somewhere, they don't deserve anything good? And - controversially on these boards - could masochism be a spawn of guilt?

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:14:01 PM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I've been reading these forums for a couple of years now and I've occasionally seen it mentioned where it's believed that some people will run away from a relationship because they are scared by how intense their feelings are.

I don't get it.

I can understand someone with problems of insecurity sabotaging a relationship... either consciously or unconsciously behaving in a way that will bring about the relationship demise that they are convinced will happen anyway.

I can understand someone walking away because they aren't ready for a relationship with intense feelings.

I can understand someone leaving a relationship where they have intense feelings but know those feelings will never be returned.

But run away? Scared? Cause it's too good?

Has anyone here ever done that? Would you buy it if someone gave you that excuse?

(lol... Okay, Firm's out of town tonight and I'm a bit bored.)

Ok, first a caveat, this was an online relationship, the intent was for it to go to RT, but it never did.

With that said, the woman I was interacting with fled because she was afraid of the intensity of both the relaitonship and her submissive feelings. She is an educated, intelligent, independent woman, and the need that she felt to submit completely frightened her and flew in the face of what she had been taught she ought to be. I talked with her about it after and found that she felt she had to give up the strong side of her in order to submit in the manner that she felt she needed to. I disagree with that assertion, i feel that it is a far more complete submission if a slave offers all that is best about herself to her master, including her intelligence and strength. I do not think I was fully able to convince her of this however.

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:15:00 PM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I've been reading these forums for a couple of years now and I've occasionally seen it mentioned where it's believed that some people will run away from a relationship because they are scared by how intense their feelings are.

I don't get it.

I can understand someone with problems of insecurity sabotaging a relationship... either consciously or unconsciously behaving in a way that will bring about the relationship demise that they are convinced will happen anyway.

I can understand someone walking away because they aren't ready for a relationship with intense feelings.

I can understand someone leaving a relationship where they have intense feelings but know those feelings will never be returned.

But run away? Scared? Cause it's too good?

Has anyone here ever done that? Would you buy it if someone gave you that excuse?

(lol... Okay, Firm's out of town tonight and I'm a bit bored.)

Good evening, Treasure. I think you'll find the primary answer in your OP; it's insecurity.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:17:12 PM

kdsub

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Oh I can understand it…Remember many people still view their desires as a perversion. The need is very powerful but also is the guilt and self-loathing.

They reach out one minute to fulfill their desires then just as quickly they run from them.
The fear of loosing control and or being discovered is terrifying.

Back and forth they go never quite brave enough to go on or strong enough to stop.

Butch

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 4:22:11 PM

ownedgirlie

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Some people are afraid of those feelings because they have never experienced them before, because they don't know where they might lead, because they're afraid of getting hurt (the greater the risk, the greater the reward...but also the greater the loss if you lose), because they don't trust their feelings are reciprocated...etc. People are afraid of being consumed and losing control of something...even their emotions.

It's self protection - a fear of letting go and taking that leap of faith. Because of my own past experiences I had ALL of these fears when I first met my Master. I let such fears get in the way and cause trouble too. It was a subconscious way of figuring if I can sabbotage this first, I can ruin it before he dumps me. Logical? No, not at all. Part of the injured human condition? Sure.

Be glad you do not get it. You've spared yourself and the one you love some frustration as a result.

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RE: Too Good... - 2/12/2008 8:39:17 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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A lot of people are completely fucked up about their sexuality. They are ashamed of their sexual desires, and when you see how many people are ashamed of vanilla desires (good girls don't feelings) then you can imagine how much worse they feel when the desires they have would have been totally negated and met with hostility if they had ever expressed them.

To a girl who is told that a tank top in summer makes her look like a whore, it would be suicidal to say she wanted to be beaten and forced to choke on a guy's cock. Can you imagine the abuse she would get? So when she first meets someone who is also interested in wiitwd, of course she's going to have tons of difficulty. And when it comes to acting on these desires she beats herself up for having, for wanting to act on the perverseness she's repressed all her life, it's a lot easier to give into your fear and run.

Many people never get over their early conditioning. Some do but only through years of painful therapy. Others seesaw over it, the guilt and shame rearing their ugly heads even after you thought you had it all solved. This is what real life is like, I'm afraid. With a newbie, go slower, and then go even slower than that. And don't just focus on the sex and play, spend more time talking about vanilla stuff, become her friend.

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RE: Too Good... - 2/13/2008 2:13:26 AM

lustycat

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But run away? I don't feel I really ran away, but I guess some may see it that way.

Scared? Yes I did get very scared at some points in our relationship.

Cause it's too good? Not because it was too good. Because it was creapy. How can a man know me so well. How can he know my inner feelings so well? How can he know why my eyes twitch or my lip curve like they do. I would change the expression on my face and He instantly knew why. What man or woman in a vanilla world can do that? It scared the hell out of me. I was new and nieve. I could not understand. Now to this day I am in the same situation as what DomKen mentioned. I do not go to functions as of yet, but I am sure I will. I like to taste the lifestyle, I am so comfortable being submissive to someone, in a way. I will never totally live that way again 24/7. My vanilla man and life suite me fine.

Has anyone here ever done that? As you see I have ran, In a way I feel like I failed. I am happier now though. I have enough demands in my life, I did not need a more complicated life than I already have.

Would you buy it if someone gave you that excuse? Yes I would. I have been there and would totally understand.

I have a question or two to add to this...
Do you feel that the match was not right for you?
Maybe the Dom was not who you expected Him/Her to be?
Were you new to the lifestyle as I was?

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RE: Too Good... - 2/13/2008 3:36:20 AM

MasDom

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Growls....thats what the friendly relationship is for...
you can only trust in time...

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RE: Too Good... - 2/13/2008 7:01:43 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
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From: All over now in Minnesota
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Like others have said many people unfortunately have issues with self esteem and insecurity. Throw in just how different a power exchange relationship is and how sex is often used in it, this is quite different then “normal” perception.

People with an unhealthy mind set mostly have it because they have never experienced healthy, happy and loving atmospheres and it can scare the heck out of them when they fall into one let alone one with such a degree difference then the fictional society one. So yes many people choose subconsciously inflict suicidal damage into their relationships because they feel they do not deserve this, cannot last so run before getting burned or it is too uncomfortable for them.

Certainly to me running away because of the intensity is just running back to what they know and are comfortable with. I have seen this and it is always sad.

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