What would you ask?

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chatondamore -> What would you ask? (2/13/2008 6:32:20 PM)
I've been talking to a couple of Dominant males, trying to find someone i'm compatible with, but the whole situation just feels awkward. Almost like I'm interviewing people for a position. So I'm turning to you guys for ideas. What sort of questions would you ask a potentional dominant to get to know them? How would you show your sense of humor (if it borders on the... sarcastic side) without seeming disrespectful? What is your favorite joke?

softness -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 6:51:44 PM)
I usually just let them talk, a) they like that (lol) and b) it means you see what information they are keen for you to have, how their mind works, what information they do not want you to have. Doing this means when they say something of interest you can ask a question. At uni me and my girlfriends, shocked at our high lvel of promiscuity, came up with a list of things we had to know about them before we would sleep with them (oh the careless joys of youth) .. the ranged from things like .. crunchy or smooth peanut butter, favourite Shakespeare play. The idea being we would have to actually talk to them first before just dragging them by the hair into bed. I mean ok, its all totally superficial stuff but knowing silly details about someone makes them more real to you, especially when you cant be face to face with them.

tsatske -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 7:07:32 PM)
I like to ask someone who thier favorite poet is. I like to ask who thier favorite artist is, but that one should come before the poet question, because the poet question reveals me as an artsy geek snob, and if they don't know that yet when I ask the artist question, the answer is more revealing, since they might tell me 'Monet', or they might say, 'Snoop Doggy Dog.' I used to have a picture of a very annoyed white cat that had fallen into the tub, to send to people who asked for a dirty pic; I would say, 'Wanna pic of my wet pussy?' I like to ask them to tell me about thier exes. Very revealing. I just ask in a very general way, then shut up and listen. If all thier exes are bitches and thier retoric is still full of bile and bitterness, they have issues, move on. I agree with the just listen and let them talk. But, also, talk about yourself. I mean in a general, light, super specific, superficail way. In other words, gossip. Tell the funny story about your sister at Christmas - and his response will clue you into how he will fit in your family and if you share a sense of humor. Talk about your best friend and your cousin, and the things they have done, and listen, and you will learn if you share simular values. The same thing can be accomplished, if you prefer, talking about poetry, books, movies, tv, music, art, mueseum exhibits, and soap operas. "Did you see what she did on desperate housewives? Is she a total bitch or what? Would you put up with that from your woman for one minute?" Ask some questions about simular interests so you can find some non-lifestyle things to do together - mueseums or resteraunts or movies - for a few meets while you get to know one another. And talk about setting up a safety call. The response to this is the most instructive thing you can learn. If they don't want to co-operate fully with giving you sufficent info for a safety call, move on, move on quickly, and never look back. Seriously. I can not emphasize this enough. In the same way, if you have other safety nets set up - a mentour willint to talk to prospects before you meet them, a friend willing to go with you to first meets, ect - ask about that. If he is not comfortable with whatever it takes to make you comfortable, move on, move on quickly, (see above.) Do not ask yourself, 'Do I really need my friend there to be comfortable meeting him?' He does not know the answer to that might be no, he only knows you asked that of him. I might be comfortable going without many of my safety nets, but only with the kind of date who has no problem with any safety net I ask for. If he has a problem with it, then I am not meeting him. Period.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 8:24:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatondamore I've been talking to a couple of Dominant males, trying to find someone i'm compatible with, but the whole situation just feels awkward. Almost like I'm interviewing people for a position. So I'm turning to you guys for ideas. What sort of questions would you ask a potentional dominant to get to know them? How would you show your sense of humor (if it borders on the... sarcastic side) without seeming disrespectful? What is your favorite joke? If your humor borders on the sarcastic side, why would you hide that part of your nature?..Honesty is always the best policy..:0)..and the worry about being disrespectful...worry not..for at that time and place, you simply treat that Dominant as you would any vanilla male......you, I am sure know how to behave in any social setting?..well this is no different..and as far as worry about what to converse about, simply let the conversation flow..see where it takes you,, you do not need a list of questions to ask..they will come up as you both exchange ideas, thoughts, experiences and life in general...Tempting

chatondamore -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 9:07:06 PM)
LOL I've found that a lot of them like to just... ramble. It's a good way to learn about them, but only about what they want you to know. I will have to remember the peanut butter thing though.

givingin -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 9:17:15 PM)
Just be yourself, if it's someone you are meant to be with they will be attracted to that part of you. I met a lot of men that were serious all of the time and were so stuck in protocol that you couldn't even get them to crack a smile. If that is what you are looking for, then by all means keep the "real" you hidden. If on the other hand you want someone that will get to know the real you and love mastering all of those little quirks that you have....never hide who you really are. I also find it best for them to talk. If I had someone keep asking me question after question, I found they were just getting my views so they could tell me what I wanted to hear rather than how they really felt about things. It's all a cat and mouse game sometimes...you just happen to get caught or catch a great cat once in a while.

AquaticSub -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 9:35:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatondamore What sort of questions would you ask a potentional dominant to get to know them? What kind of relationship they have with their family, how much importance they place on family, if he will limit how much I see mine. Same for friends. I'd ask about his education, his views on key issues that are important to me, what sort of service he thinks he wants, if he likes pets, if I'd be allowed to persue my own hobbies and interests (that would take me away from him sometimes). quote: How would you show your sense of humor (if it borders on the... sarcastic side) without seeming disrespectful? I'd just show it. If he think it's disrespectful now, he'll probably think it's disrespectful then. I might not say something just because I don't him very well, but it would be the same as if I was talking to anyone I didn't know very well. quote: What is your favorite joke? I see what you are up to... this is all a ruse to steal our best jokes! I'm watching you...

tsatske -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 9:39:06 PM)
What is your favorite joke? Hmm.. trying to choose one. Here's the shortest of my favorites: What is the difference between a Mistress, a Whore and a Wife? Mistresses say, "oh, you are so good, oh, make it last, please, make it last....." Whores say, "Time is money, come on, come on" ( look at wrist during this line) Wifes say, "Beige. Beige. I think I shall paint that ceiling beige."

chatondamore -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 9:45:22 PM)
Damn, i really thought i'd get away with that one!!![sm=flowers.gif]

chatondamore -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 9:47:31 PM)
LOL i had a partner that did the exact same thing... but it was a man.. He's on top, just going at it like a trooper, and i am moaning away and i open my eyes. He's looking around with a not-as-intent-as-you-might-think look on his face. I ask "What the hell are you looking at?" He says "I'm trying to decide what color to paint the walls so i don't orgasm!" facepalm

chatondamore -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 9:50:22 PM)
quote: It's all a cat and mouse game sometimes...you just happen to get caught or catch a great cat once in a while. quote: ORIGINAL: givingin I thought i was the cat? Thank you so much for your advice, i do appreciate it. It's so hard to figure out these things when you are actually "Searching" for them. As opposed to when they just fall into your lap.

BlackPhx -> RE: What would you ask? (2/13/2008 11:12:55 PM)
Well I know I am not the perspective you are looking for but felt maybe could add a little. A Dominant is more then a life support for a whip and a dark smile to enchant you into chains. There are pragmatic concerns as well. Does he have finacial capacity to support you, will it be a communal effort to support each other, will you be the wage earner? What expectations will you be asked to fulfill and are they within you ability or even realistic given health and skills? How structured will life be with him and does it match your needs for control and support? Do your dreams and ambitions match, is he a forward thinker or a person who values stable harmony and ritual, which are you? Will he grow and change and adapt to your changing needs or you to his changing needs? Does he have a plan if the relationship fails, do you? Does he have a plan should the unexpected happens, or just hope for the best? Then there are the embaressing health issues like known STD's, physical limitations, chronic conditions will you have to spoon feed him baby food after 5 strokes? Any relationship takes extraordinary compromise, work, and time from both parties to sustain and grow. So take your time and work through it with good communication. Many Doms try to play down character traits they think you will not like or might in thier opinions diminish the image of being a Dom in your eyes. This is not a misrepresentation as they are just showing the part of their personalities they think you will like. So take your time and let the layers and complexity of thier person reveal themselves like a flower blossoming and keep an open mind. Dom whip, dom command, dom f***, dom sleep would get very boring real fast if that was all there was to them. Most profiles are like icebergs what shows at the top s less then 10% take some time to find out what the other 90% is like before discarding them. Even if you are not compatiable taking the time will make an impression and if they are local to you and you are active in the communty chances are you will bump into them often. Networking is good for relationships other then BDSM assuming you want more then to be just a pretty pet in a cage in the basement. Putting in my two cents BlackPhx P.S. Only the US Government can lose money in making money. It take 13 cents in materials and labor to manufacture 2 one cent coins. "I am not kissing your ass. I am dominating it with forceful blows of my lips."

rubberpet -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 1:51:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatondamore I've been talking to a couple of Dominant males, trying to find someone i'm compatible with, but the whole situation just feels awkward. Almost like I'm interviewing people for a position. So I'm turning to you guys for ideas. What sort of questions would you ask a potentional dominant to get to know them? How would you show your sense of humor (if it borders on the... sarcastic side) without seeming disrespectful? What is your favorite joke? I just took the time to get to know Mistress. I really don't remember specific questions that I asked, but I do remember that I just spoke to Her as a woman I was interested in and not just a domme. We just let the questions pop out when something interesting was said. We just went with the flow and winged it. I warned Her about how mouthy and sarcastic I can be. I explained that my playful sarcasm doesn't sound anything like my disrespectful side, I gave Her examples of both. Luckily, She had a great sense of humor and appreciated mine. She's still getting used to it to this day...lol. My humor is a mix of Dennis Miller, Denis Leary, Andrew "Dice" Clay, and David Letterman. It's kinda off the wall...lol.

julietsierra -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 2:38:38 AM)
My best indicator of someone I'd actually WANT to spend more time with is how comfortable the moments of silence were. If he and I were constantly/almost frantically trying to fill those moments, I know that we're not real comfortable with each other. If we can sit, eat dinner or whatever, have times when we're NOT talking and feel comfortable about it all, we're good. Beyond that, I look for the questions that he asks and how he responds as I try to answer him. If he constantly interrupts me when I'm answering questions HE wanted answered, I'm not going to be very interested. If he can't listen now, I can be pretty sure he won't be listening in the future when we're much more comfortable with each other. Patience is not just a virtue with submissives. I look for someone attempting to best each and everything I say. Like, if I say I have a bichon frise, they say they have a GERMAN SHEPARD. If I say I love books and seem to have hundreds around my house, they say they know exactly what I mean cause they have THOUSANDS...sometimes these things are very subtle, but nonetheless, if they're there, I lose interest immediately. I look for lectures. If they're going to attempt to lecture someone they don't know, my presumption is that life with them will be filled with never being able to do anything right. On the plus side, I look for mutual interests - vanilla interests. I look for knowledge - not just of bdsm but a general, well developed base of knowledge. I look at political leanings - not in who you'd vote for, but as a testament to basic belief systems. I look for modesty accompanied by confidence. I look for smiles that reach the eyes. I do much more watching and listening than I do asking questions. By that I mean, the conversation can go where it is going to go. I listen to how he approaches things that are important to me without necessarily letting him know ahead of time that they're important. I want HIS views, not necessarily what he thinks I may want him to say. When the conversation turns sexual and to ideas of relationships, I am very clear about what I am hoping to find, what I can't manage and what I can. Lots of times this was taken as me trying to control the relationship, but it wasn't. It was me being very upfront about what it is I was looking for and what I was not looking for. I expect the same from him - a frank discussion of what he wants, is looking for and not looking for. And during this part, there is no such thing as pulling rank. If that happens, it's a good indication that we're not a good fit, cause if it's irritating now, it sure will be irritating on down the road when the stakes are higher. I'm sure there's more to this than I've said. It's been a while since I've looked for someone. Then again, aside from the parts of the conversation that turn sexual, this is generally how I end up picking my friends as well. juliet

MasterFireMaam -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 3:23:41 AM)
Assuming that you're looking for a relationship as the goal: What would be important about someone you were going to date or have sex with? What things are important to you in a relationship? For example, are you expecting (perhaps assuming) monogamy? What things are important to you about skills sets...meaning, what BDSM things turn you on? What is their overall approach to Ds or Ms relationships? What will be your status (meaning will you be mere property or will you be an equal companion in every area but the bedroom or somewhere in between?) Your best bet to come up with questions is to sit and think about what YOU want in a relationship dynamic...then see if they fit. And forget the peanut butter. What you REALLY need to know is pulp or no pulp?! ;-) Master Fire

julietsierra -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 3:26:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam And forget the peanut butter. What you REALLY need to know is pulp or no pulp?! ;-) Master Fire no no o...it's "do you put mayonnaise on hamburger?" juliet

ProlificNeeds -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 5:37:45 AM)
I always like to ask about hot button topics or controversial issues. Be it stuff in the kink community, or events in the news.I like to know a person's morality, and sense (or lack there of) of social responsibility. If I get responses like 'who cares' I know they won't enjoy conversing with me, likewise if they seem callous towards the plight of others, I'll dislike that attitude as well. I'll also bring up every day things, IE, road rage, the way my cat likes to pester me, or whatever comes to mind. Things that effect my life, and that matter to me, are the topics I bring up. I hate yes/no questions, instead I like to bring up a topic and dig for the others persons point of view, make them think about it and react.

DesFIP -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 5:40:07 AM)
I wouldn't worry about being disrespectful. I would worry about trying to hide my nature and then in six months saying I couldn't pretend to be someone I wasn't any longer. As far as interviewing, if you don't like it then go straight to dating. Meet for coffee, talk about stuff in your lives, see if he's polite to you, to the waitress, etc. Talk about stuff that's important to you and see if you're compatible there or not. See if he ignores stuff you're into but he isn't. You've dated before, judged if someone's nice enough to go out with again or just a horse's ass. Do the same here.

kyraofMists -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 7:29:00 AM)
I asked him many questions that gave me insight into his character to see if he had the strengths that I admire. I think the most important question that I asked him in regards to being in a relationship with him was "what would 24/7 as your slave be like?" He answered, but he also had Alandra answer it and she sent me a list of his pet peeves g I think people tend to overlook the every day ordinary things that will happen and they are too focused on if they are compatible in their kink. Knight's Kyra

sub4hire -> RE: What would you ask? (2/14/2008 9:08:31 AM)
The same way you would talk to anyone you wanted to start a relationship with. Just don't forget the big question early on. Are you into the lifestyle? You'll get around to lifestyle talk too quick. Peoples hormones usually rage. So ask anything you can think of and then some. Get to know them as a person first if you want a lasting relationship.

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