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BlackPhx -> Not always Safe, Not Always Sane, Always (2/13/2008 8:57:22 PM)
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I suspect this will not make me the most popular person on the forums, but well, yanno, sometimes it just happens that way.
Most attribute the term Safe, Sane, Consensual to David Stein who coined it in 1984 for GMSMA and it has become a watch word for most of the BDSM community, especially when talking to outsiders or new explorers. The term Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is sometimes used as a substitute description. Both are good, but as watch words they don't really deal with the reality of WIITWD. For those who are new to the BDSM community (Newbies) these may be the first catch phrase that they encounter in their explorations. Some people really are new, they are just beginning to learn about their needs. Others may well have been playing alone for years, unaware there were others who share the same Kink or how to contact them if they suspected they were out there. Either way they like the rest of us need to know that what we desire is OK, what we seek is OK, and that there are different strokes for different folks.
So why do I say Not Always...
Not Always Safe: I play on the edge...a lot..more in the past than now, needles, cuttings, burnings, you name it...some of these things ARE dangerous. Infection, scars, emotional fallout, etc. are always a possibility. They are not for everyone. They can be done safely...but are NOT safe. It is not my place to judge whether a desire that a "person has for asphyxia play, castration (well not the females), or humiliation play is safe for them. It is only our place to point out some of the dangers, and possibly ways to go about it and survive. If you have experience share it. We can tell them how to deal with the aftermath but it is between them and their partner if they are going to do it. There are things that I enjoy Master has no experience with, I can only educate him about them if he has an interest and perhaps introduce him to someone who can show him how to do it. Frankly some stuff you just can't do for or on yourself. There are things he enjoys, I am just learning about and believe me I search for every bit of information I can find, both medical and scene wise to ensure I understand what is going to be done and the ramifications involved.
Not Always Sane: Frankly little of what we do would be considered sane by the vanilla world. Some of it is not always considered sane by us. Few people look at a growing PE relationship and consider the slave or the Dom in their right minds or that it can be a healthy lifestyle. After all you are allowing someone else to choose what happens to you. Yes...I am careful...I didn't walk into prisons and stand on death row and yell kill me. I tried NOT to allow a Ted Bundy into my home when I was searching, I didn't go to sleep with my window open, me naked and a neon sign flashing outside that says rapist wanted. BUT I do place my precious flesh in the hands of a Master who will whip me, torture and torment me, take me to the very depths of my being and make me look, and then hopefully bring me back again.
Is it sane to want to take out and play with all the things that others keep buried or to poke at dark desires? Not always, not really. Our minds bury them for a reason...to protect our sanity...but some of us just HAVE to peek under those bandages and say ooooo while poking at it.
Most of us do this to a greater or lesser degree, even the "Vanilla" persons out there. We do it with Whips and Chains, they take out those little nasty bits and poke at them with a therapist, then again some of us do as well.
Always Consensual: Here I think is the main concept that I can accept. Consent. In BDSM consent is handled in many ways...from the sub who negotiates every scene..to the PE participant who has only one choice..accept or decline the collar. As a slave once I have acknowledged that someone is my Master, that is the end of my negotiations. We may discuss things if he allows and he usually does, but ultimately the decision is his. I hate paddles with a passion, wooden ones, they bring up nothing but extremely bad memories..but...IF he decides that is how I am to be punished, or HE decides that it would please him to use a paddle on me...then it is HIS choice. I Know that eventually he will use it on me, he enjoys wood, and I will accept it, though I will probably not enjoy it in any way. Someone else can say...you use that on me and you will eat dust as I leave, or you are not going to ever use them. There are Dom's who will accept this....those Dom's are not for me.
Can Slavery, BDSM be mistaken for abuse? Yes. It is an extremely fine line, but the one thing that keeps you on the right side of it, is choice. I choose to do this and ultimately I have chosen to do this with someone I trust to have the same value for my life I do. The minute consent flies out the window even implied consent, it is abuse. A kiss is Battery under the law if the person does not consent to it.
Can I just walk away from that collar if things are not as I want them. No. I can't, others can depending on their dynamics. I will only choose to leave if my sanity or life is threatened. Not edge play, but him saying I am going to do this even though I know it will possibly cost you your life, then yeah I am out of there. Something like that was asphyxia play for me...because once my lungs go down, they hate restarting, yet and still Master does it, my trust in his care for my life and his attention to me when he is doing anything is such that I trust him. Would I let him perform a hysterectomy using a kitchen knife and a text book? See the dust?
We can have bad scenes, good scenes, Great Scenes. We have had scenes where both persons ended up angry at the other, one in tears and once lets just say neither one of us would have been wise to push the issue. We are humans. Accidents will happen, tempers will flare, things will go bad. We communicate and deal.
It is very easy to armchair quarterback on forums, we only have a limited amount of information and can extrapolate based only on our own experiences and dynamics. We can't even say really that one person is not a dominant or another is not a submissive, though there are always some willing to try. But we can't, not without actually knowing them and while we can base our opinions on their postings as to their experience levels and persona, please remember there are 45 year old male cops out there pretending to be 14 year old girls and pulling in predators daily. Behind a computer screen you can be anything and anyone you desire to be, it is only face to face reality becomes possible, and even there, things are not always what they seem.
Safe words are a form and symbol of consent. With them in place the sub/slave has a chance to say stop, I withdraw consent for what is being done, or I am in trouble, stop for a moment. We say an awful lot of things when our bodies are undergoing overwhelming sensations, including No. A Safe word helps define when consent is withdrawn. I have heard Dom's say if you use your safe word, it's over, not just the scene, but everything. That is emotional blackmail and removes the very purpose of a safe word. Others have said I don't believe in them. Well since few other than the Amazing Kreskin (G) are telepathic, they have just limited their ability to know if their partner is in trouble. Consent is an ongoing action. Safe words are a tool facilitating that ongoing action.
Not Always Sane, Not Always Safe, Always Consensual. Its a way of Life.
poenkitten
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