SweetStrictCpl
Posts: 3
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
|
Actually, that's not strictly true. I'm fairly romantic, for a cynic. But I do have some suggestions to improve the holiday:
1) Anyone involved in making those smarmy "Your wife will blow you if you buy her expensive jewelry" commercials will be forced to masturbate, on national TV, for the entire 24hrs of February 14th. Any of those who survive shall be offered a career in porn.
2) In that vein, it shall be immediately recognized that it is perfectly acceptable for women to make romantic gestures and that this is not a "pay homage to your chick" holiday. Feminists will take a brief break from whining about whatever it is they're currently whining about and address this monstrous inequality.
3) All companies will give their employees a 2hr lunch break in order that those who have SOs can enjoy an afternoon quickie. Employees who do not have SOs will spend said lunch break participating in an inter-office orgy. Dress code for the period following said lunch break will make exceptions for mussed hair, smeared make-up, and carpet burns on knees and/or elbows.
4) All requests for pity sex from ex-lovers will be honored, unless the person to whom the request is made is in a monogamous relationship. Reasonable requests along the lines of, "Remember that thing you used to do with your tongue," will also be honored. However, it will be strictly noted that such sex is indeed pity sex and not the rekindling of a relationship. There will be no, "I never told you I was sorry," and there will be no "I've grown so much since you left." Additionally, post-sex snuggle will be limited to five minutes or the first stupid comment that reminds you both why you broke up in the first place, whichever comes first.
5) Sappy, "I need a good cry," movies will be available free to singles at Blockbuster and online. People with SOs will be charged double to rent said movies, and beaten soundly with a dead fish if they attempt to rent romantic comedies or softcore porn.
6) Police will not enforce public decency laws or even interrupt public sex by saying, "Move it along." In fact, what they will say is, "Wow, you guys are really going at it. Wanna borrow my handcuffs?" They will also be permitted to respectfully ask, once, if the participants have a "cop" fantasy.
7) Calories from chocolate, champagne, and, "My god I'm so alone-did I just eat a half-gallon of Ben & Jerrys?" will not count. Yes, I know this violates the laws of physics. Deal with it. This is MY holiday now.
8) Radio stations will be limited to playing not more than one sappy song per hour. Any DJ who starts rambling about how wonderfully sweet his/her SO was today will be summarily fired.
9) Coworkers who prance in at 8am bragging about how their husbands brought them breakfast in bed will be required to describe, in masturbation-inducing detail, the blowjobs they gave them in appreciation of said breakfast. Companies will supply towels and lube to facilitate such masturbation; there's always at least one of those twerps in every office.
Here's wishing each and every one of you the happiest of Valentines Days.http://drcruel.livejournal.com/
|
I hate Valentines Day - 
Profile
I love Valentines Day!
this is fucking funny... i love it... hope you don't mind... but i gotta share some of these!
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread