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teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 11:21:28 AM

muzz

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline

i met a man from the nilla side of life and had been talking for a long time...until recently he didn't about this side of me...we have become quite close and he has shown a great deal of interest in the lifestyle...and he wants me to teach him...problem is....how do you teach someone to Dom lol...i know things like safety and stuff like that...not hard to teach...but i have never used a flogger or a whip or anything like that...i'm not Domme or Switch so never had a reason to learn anything more except how to take it lol...

any suggestions on what i can do to help him learn?

Post #: 1

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 11:32:09 AM

lustiwench

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

Books would be a good place to start....

Screw the roses, give me the Thorns,
The Loving Dominant,
SM101

....to my knowledge, those are some of the better ones.

(in reply to muzz)

Post #: 2

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 11:44:32 AM

muzz

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline

thank you...yes they would be...and i have started that part...but my concern is this...i don't want to limit him to just what i like...and that is something that tends to happen when you teach someone...you tend to encourage them to learn your likes and not their own...or at least not give as much info on a subject if you don't like it...

we are discussing this becoming a long term relationship and although i may not like something...i don't want that to stop him from learning about it or doing it...so i guess maybe the true question is how do i help him learn with influencing him with my likes and dislikes ?

(in reply to lustiwench)

Post #: 3

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 12:08:45 PM

MistressBasia

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/8/2005
From: Spain
Status: offline

I do not know how open are you,but mayeb going to bdsm clubs and playing with other people?
It would give him a chance to speak with other players...

_____________________________

It´s not Bitch ,it´s THE BITCH ,and for you its still MISTRESS BITCH.

(in reply to muzz)

Post #: 4

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 12:16:37 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Sorry to tell you but you "may" be able to show him the "dom" side by directing him to specific websites. But you cannot "train" a Dom they eather are or are not.
Its a part of who they are at "birth".
For you ot even attempt to "train' or educate him it will be that you are topping him and that is not what you are after.
Sites like "the steel door" may ? be helpfull for you.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to muzz)

Post #: 5

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 2:15:03 PM

muzz

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline

not training as in forcing him to be Dom...i know ...doesn't happen that way...but topping from the bottom is what it kind of what it feels like...i don't like it...

i will pass the link onto him...thank you...

but the idea of finding a mentor for him has been suggested...unfortunately all we could fine was a very small...very exclusive BDSM community in his area...i suggested he go check them ...they wouldn't even talk to him because he had no experince...

btw the training i am discussing is not the mental or emotional part of being a Dom...i am discussing the physical issues...if you go to use a whip and don't know how...it can cause some damage that is unintended...

if you go and decided to play around with something such as breathe play and have never done it or been shown how to do it before...you could end up a killing someone...these are the things i am talking about teaching...

my apologies for not making that clear earlier.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 6

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 3:54:46 PM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline

The times I have been asked to mentor I always answer like this, I can teach you how to flog, do bondage, knife play etc etc etc my way, take out of that the bits that suit you then ask another Dom to teach you how they do it take what suits you out of that and develop your own way. Best way for that happen is to go to clubs and events.

(in reply to muzz)

Post #: 7

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 7:49:03 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

Earlier today it was asked in the Mistress forum how do you know you are dominant or just bossy. Part of my reply works here as well...

"I believe that dominance is an inherent trait, not a learned attribute. I believe the same about those that identify as submissive."

If this man does not have it in him to be a dominant all he would ever achieve from books, sites or visiting clubs would how to be a top.

Good luck,
MstrssPassion

(in reply to muzz)

Post #: 8

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/14/2005 8:28:29 PM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

Earlier today it was asked in the Mistress forum how do you know you are dominant or just bossy. Part of my reply works here as well...

"I believe that dominance is an inherent trait, not a learned attribute. I believe the same about those that identify as submissive."

If this man does not have it in him to be a dominant all he would ever achieve from books, sites or visiting clubs would how to be a top.

Good luck,
MstrssPassion

Wonderful answer on both posts, MstrssPassion!! I don't think it can be said any better!

< Message edited by kc692 -- 9/14/2005 8:29:02 PM >

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 9

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/15/2005 3:10:28 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

join a local munch group , and go to a club. I am sure someone could show him how to safely use toys.

(in reply to muzz)

Post #: 10

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/15/2005 5:34:07 PM

sultryvoice

Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline

It's too bad the club in his area is so narrowminded..How would they expect him to learn? I always thought that being mentors to others and knowledgeable people for others to pick their brains was what one should be. The biggest thing is talking with others, learning what others do, read and read..but you can only glean what will work for you..

As for the topic of being dominant, that is something you are born with, not a learned thing..

Respectfully,
sultry

_____________________________

Blessed are the cracked,
For it is they who let in the light.

www.themarkbycpi.com

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 11

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/15/2005 5:43:41 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I think you either have a Dominant personality or you don't.

However, I believe that techniques regarding playing, scening, negotiating and service can be taught. For those I would recommend a mentor or a local BDSM group's learning seminars.

If you do a search for Yahoo groups, frequently you'll find that there groups outside of the local club. There are probably 50 groups on Yahoo specific to Southern California besides the clubs of Lair de Sade, Threshold and Club X. Sometimes it just requires changing the search method.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to sultryvoice)

Post #: 12

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/15/2005 8:51:07 PM

muzz

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline

the more i think about it the more i think it is not them being narrowminded...it is more along the lines of keeping the players out of the groups...they seem to be a very close nit group and the only way in is to know someone already in it...or so i have been told.

(in reply to sultryvoice)

Post #: 13

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/15/2005 9:11:54 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: muzz
but the idea of finding a mentor for him has been suggested...unfortunately all we could fine was a very small...very exclusive BDSM community in his area...i suggested he go check them ...they wouldn't even talk to him because he had no experince...

Did they refuse him or did they fail to get back to him? That's an important distinction since most BDSM groups are all volunteer and things do get lost in the cracks. You can't expect the same kind of response from a group with only volunteers as with a business with a paid staff ... and a profit motive.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to muzz)

Post #: 14

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/16/2005 4:29:40 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I think you either have a Dominant personality or you don't.

However, I believe that techniques regarding playing, scening, negotiating and service can be taught. For those I would recommend a mentor or a local BDSM group's learning seminars.

Bobbi has said it well and you've alluded to it from a sub perspective in your OP.

quote:

ORIGINAL: muzz

i'm not Domme or Switch so never had a reason to learn anything more except how to take it lol..

The thing is, I seriously doubt you learnt to be sub so much as it's a driving need within you. It's probably always been a part of you and what ultimately brought you to the lifestyle.

Learning technique does not make anyone a Dom because *anyone*, including subs, can be taught how to tie knots or use floggers etc. If he doesn't have an independent need and desire to control you as a Dominant does, no amount of seminars, books, resources, mentors or clubs will make an iota of difference beyond a bit of short-term kink.

IMO, teaching a vanilla to be a Dom (or sub) has a similar prospect for success as teaching a gay to be straight or a male to be female. He already is or he never will be....

Focus50. (Now 51)

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 15

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/20/2005 11:45:34 AM

Dom4UA

Posts: 78
Joined: 8/12/2005
From: Alabama
Status: offline

Ask him to make contact with another Dom and set up a session where he can learn "the ins and outs" of various things!!!
I made my first contact with another Dom who wanted to try something new!!!

_____________________________

When opportunity knocks,don't knock the opportunity

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 16

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/20/2005 7:04:57 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

You can not teach an Old Dom new tricks.....Oh sorry, you said new Dom.

Hmmm, Like Wicked Kev indicated, you either have the thirst or you don't?

If he does, it will come natural, but he should seek a mentor.

If he doesn't.......If he's a keeper...keep him...and play on the side!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 17

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/20/2005 8:42:42 PM

muzz

Posts: 19
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline

thank you for all the replies...

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 18

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/20/2005 9:32:54 PM

tedibare

Posts: 54
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
The thing is, I seriously doubt you learnt to be sub so much as it's a driving need within you. It's probably always been a part of you and what ultimately brought you to the lifestyle.

Learning technique does not make anyone a Dom because *anyone*, including subs, can be taught how to tie knots or use floggers etc. If he doesn't have an independent need and desire to control you as a Dominant does, no amount of seminars, books, resources, mentors or clubs will make an iota of difference beyond a bit of short-term kink.

IMO, teaching a vanilla to be a Dom (or sub) has a similar prospect for success as teaching a gay to be straight or a male to be female. He already is or he never will be....
Focus50. (Now 51)

i think people are forgetting something... people CAN have a drive to be dominant, without ever having a proper place to vent it, much like many natural subs have no proper place to vent... irregardless of whether he is or isnt a TRUE dominant, or just a top, i think shes mostly looking for where can she turn for someone to help him guide himself... sounds to me like he DOES have an interest...

just as a suggestion, perhaps you could become more involved in the local scene with him, and you both could find mentors(hell i find a sub mentor as mentally refreshing and helpful as anything, we have a group of girls here for that very purpose) but if you guys present as a team/pair perhaps that would help?

tedi

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 19

RE: teaching a new Dom - 9/21/2005 4:45:14 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tedibare

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
The thing is, I seriously doubt you learnt to be sub so much as it's a driving need within you. It's probably always been a part of you and what ultimately brought you to the lifestyle.

Learning technique does not make anyone a Dom because *anyone*, including subs, can be taught how to tie knots or use floggers etc. If he doesn't have an independent need and desire to control you as a Dominant does, no amount of seminars, books, resources, mentors or clubs will make an iota of difference beyond a bit of short-term kink.

IMO, teaching a vanilla to be a Dom (or sub) has a similar prospect for success as teaching a gay to be straight or a male to be female. He already is or he never will be....
Focus50. (Now 51)

i think people are forgetting something... people CAN have a drive to be dominant, without ever having a proper place to vent it, much like many natural subs have no proper place to vent... irregardless of whether he is or isnt a TRUE dominant, or just a top, i think shes mostly looking for where can she turn for someone to help him guide himself... sounds to me like he DOES have an interest...

just as a suggestion, perhaps you could become more involved in the local scene with him, and you both could find mentors(hell i find a sub mentor as mentally refreshing and helpful as anything, we have a group of girls here for that very purpose) but if you guys present as a team/pair perhaps that would help?

tedi

If someone is the "real deal" Dominant within, having a willing submissive at your disposal is all the encouragement needed. The OP certainly sounds like that willing submissive yet he's unsure how to proceed....? Would two inexperienced but eager and horny teens not know how to allow nature to take it's course if it's a *mutual* need and desire? Of course they would and without any desire for coaching or mentors etc!

BDSM is extremely frustrating when you can't find a complimenting partner but I think the conclusion you've drawn ("sounds to me like he DOES have an interest...") is at odds to the OP's circumstances because this particular "dom" *DOES* have "a proper place to vent it".

I think his particular interest (and NEED) in the lifestyle doesn't extend beyond a vanilla willingness to please his partner; ie he and most vanillas think BDSM is just about kink and assumed roles - it's not "real"!

Focus51.

(in reply to tedibare)

Post #: 20

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