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dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 4:48:50 AM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		My Master and I were talking the other day about something he is planning to do in the near future.  Basically, it will be a visit completely oposite of what any other visit with him has ever been.  It will start with me being bound and tossed in the backseat when I arrive and end with me being unbound and dropped back off at the station.  For three days, I will be used strictly as HE wishes, whether I enjoy it or not.  Little, if any, of the physical displays of love and caring I am accustommed to with him will be present.   

Now, I know many are sitting there asking, "What's the problem?  That sounds HOT!"  It IS hot.  It is a scenario I have thoroughly enjoyed in the past with different partners, so it is not a new concept to me.  The problem is, this time I feel absolutely terrified and overwhelmingly sad about this, and I haven't been able to figure out how to temper those reactions.

I want to do this for him.  I want to do this for us.  It is supposed to be exciting and something we both talked about and wanted to do for a while now.  When he mentioned that it IS going to happen, though, I was shocked to find tears running down my face and a feeling of dread like I have rarely ever felt.  Not a good kind of dread, either.

This is my first BDSM relationship that is very loving and caring.  All my others were more distant emotionally.  There was friendship and affection, but nothing more, no cuddles, no sharing their bed, no sexual aspect at all.  Master and I love each other and have a very deep emotional connection.  I had always thought that connection would make play like is being planned all the better.  Why am I so upset over this? 

I asked him what would happen if I freaked out and couldn't get my mind in the right place.  His answer was that he would remind me I am loved and safe and cared for, and even that wonderful response has not quieted the fears and feelings I have.  I am totally at a loss.  I know I will be safe and that he will still love me during and afterwards.  I trust him.  I want to do this for him.  It is straight out of MY fantasies, and I have done it several times in the past without these feelings and have loved it each time.  After care will happen, even if I need to literally turn around and go right back down to him or he needs to come to me.  I know I won't really be abandoned, but for some reason it feels just like that, like I will be abandoned the entire time I am there.  How do I put aside all these silly fears and unfounded thoughts and do this with him from a place of wanting to enjoy this as we have both talked about?

Any advice will be most appreciated.


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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 5:23:42 AM   
WalterRego


Posts: 276
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline 		Perhaps what you really fear being abandoned is your picture of him as a loving, caring and not distant Dom. That as much as you enjoyed or wanted this sort of scene in the past, it's not what you want now or want from him. That you are afraid of what the scene might do to your view of him (or him of you).

You say that you will be doing this for him but it sounds to me like he is doing this for you. Because of the times you told him how much you liked it with other Doms and how hot it was. He wants to show you that he can too, wants to overcome that lingering hunger in you to be treated that way.  Try to think of it as an aspect of his love and caring for you. And by the way, what used to be hot might not work in this context. Afterwards, talk about it.

_____________________________

A person should not choose the form in which he wishes to perform the service, but he should perform it in any manner the opportunity affords. He should be like a vessel into which anything may be poured - wine, milk, or water.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel

(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 5:34:12 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Just because it's going to be a hard three day scene, doesn't mean he'll ignore your safety or mental health. (At least I hope!)
I think, if you trust him to look after you, and do what's best for you, don't worry about freaking out. You may have a moment when you DO lose it. What follows will show you just how baseless your fears are (I hope!). You lose it, become a blubbering jibbering mess, and he'll put you back together again and SHOW you in actions, how loved and cared for you are. Words can be shallow at times, and while true, lack the sincerity of proven action. If words alone won't soothe you then nothing we say here will. Instead take comfort in the trust you have for him, that he won't let you come to harm.

(in reply to WalterRego)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 5:46:48 AM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline 		This is just a "possibility" but one that came strongly to my mind. 
Perhaps other issues are being triggered here.
Perhaps this Master has nurtured you along in a way that he has gotten past some walls you have had in place during your other relationships.  You have let your vulnerabilities be know with this man.  You have let him see parts of you you haven't shown anyone else because of his loving nurturment.
And, perhaps these walls and hidden vulnerabilities were in place due to incidents you had in childhood or past relationships.
And, now that he is past these walls and hidden vulnerabilities, this "regression" of having to put them all in place again to endure an "emotionless" , three days of basic "objectification" is triggering some unresolved issues from your past that have not been competely dealt with.
Just food for thought.


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In the ties that bind,
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"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 6:06:24 AM   
lockmeupplease


Posts: 202
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		{puts on amatuer psychologist hat}

I agree with WalterRego's response that your fear has to do with the fact that your Dom IS loving and caring.  Now that you have found a Dom with these qualities, perhaps 3 days of forced fantasy rough captivity doesn't seem as appealing as his true self.  If you truly wanted a Dom who was emotionally distant, you would probably still be with one.

My suggestion would be to start a bit slower and negotiate the captivity part of the weekend so that perhaps it's just for the first half.  That way you can both see how you react and still have time afterwards to enjoy his softer side before he takes you back to the train.  If all goes well, then do the full 3-day scene at a later date.  I wish you luck!

{removes hat}

(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 6:32:34 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I think it is important to talk to him about your feelings.  You say that you trust him and I’m not doubting that.  But I don’t think you trust yourself.  For such an intense scene to be successful you’re head needs to be in the right place.  You may believe this fear is unrealistic but I would guess that this fear is based in reality; you just haven’t uncovered what that is yet. You need to explore that with your partner. 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 6:39:02 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Your getting some good advice from the others so I will take a slightly different tack. Can you think of any period in your life that may have had something similar happen where you ended up feeling afraid and abandoned.

E.g.
  1. Trip to hospital for illness or tonsillectomy
  2. Dropped off a camp and had a miserable time of it
  3. Dropped off at a relatives while parents went elsewhere

Often things from our childhood that we think are too far in our past can crop up in our present with feelings we don't understand. One minute you are looking forward to something and the next you are a basket case because a wave of fear/panic has washed over you and your don't know where it is coming from. If you can locate the source of the feelings you may be able to put them to rest.

poenkitten

(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 6:45:00 AM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline 		It doesn't sound silly to me.  It sounds like the loving and caring aspects of your relationship with this fellow are very important to you.  You're exploring an edge here, and even though it's something you've done before, it's not something you've done with HIM.  This is contrary to the dynamics of your relationship with him, and since you care about him and about this relationship, the stakes are higher.  Before you were doing it for you, this time you're doing it for him.  You want it to be wonderful for him and you don't want to let him down.  I think that it's completely understandable that you're a bit freaked out.

My Al and I tend to talk an edgy thing to death before attempting it.  Not just how-to, but what-if.  As an example, he wanted to someday be beaten way beyond where he'd had enough.  This was a scary prospect to me.  His "enough" is already most folks' "way too much", so there was a risk of physical damage, but my bigger concern was how we would feel about it afterwards.  Would he feel violated?  Would I feel like an abuser?  Will it affect our relationship?  I think that we talked about this numerous times over a couple of years before we finally did it. 

I'm not recommending that you talk it to death, but communication is the best way to deal with scary situations.  The more information you have the less scary things are.  What is it specifically that you're worried about, and what can you do to minimize those risks?  You might want to talk to him more specifically about what's going to happen if you freak out or find that you just can't do it.  This isn't as much about the specifics as it is about making yourself comfortable that he understands that this could happen and making sure that you're okay with your own possible reactions to the situation.  You might want to suggest a Plan B so that if you find you have to stop, the weekend can still be enjoyable.  That might take some of the pressure off - you won't have to be as concerned about letting him down.  You might think about ending that part of the weekend early and spending some time re-bonding before you go home. 

Take care, and I hope that your weekend is wonderful.

(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 7:15:07 AM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you ALL for your responses.  I think this is bringing up issues for me.  Just to be clear... my Master and I ARE talking about this.  It is in his hands, and I do trust that he will handle things if problems arise, and if it means ending the scene, then he would.  I just don't want that to happen.  I want this to be something he can enjoy and not have to deal with a bunch of fears.

This is the first partner I have ever had, vanilla or BDSM, that has been loving and tender and caring.  I feel like I just can't get enough, that there is so much space to fill up inside, like I am making up for lost time.  Two weeks between visits is hard enough when I know I will get all the touches and cuddles and love I need while I am there.  The thought of skipping all that for one visit feels bad.  It also seems silly to me.  I know, rationally, that he will still love me, we will still talk on the phone for hours in between that visit and the next, that everything will still be fine, and that I am not losing anything.  This is supposed to be a fun thing.  I don't want my issues getting in the way, and I don't want to have to postpone something he wants because of them.

I don't know what the trigger is.  How do I figure it out?  He likes to dig into my past and find out all those things, but there are times that I have just forgotten and can't answer his questions because I honestly cannot remember.  If this is tapping into that, is there any hope of making this scene a success?

(in reply to BlackPhx)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 7:36:58 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		Ok, first, well done for already opening communication with your Master. Thats a big step that many would not have felt brave enough to take .. so good job there. Its important he knows where you head is, in order to best decide how to go about his plans for this weekend. Keep those lines open, keep communicating with him (in the way you have established previousl) and this will mean he can guide the scene in a safe and healthy way for both of you.

It is perfectly ok for something to feel odd and strange with one person that felt fine before. You have a different relationship with him that you did with the previous partners, so you will react with and to them in different ways. I know that I have done things with one person that doing with another freaked me totally, and a big part of that was affection. WHen the norm is a high evel of demonstrated affection, suddenly being without that is frightening.

I understand that it will be hard for you, sweetheart I have been there, but his love, tenderness and affection does not stop, it doesn't die. He loves you just as much, he cares just as much, he just isn't demonstrating it in the way you are used to.

It is a big step for you to take, learning to play without love and affection from this new partner, but once you have made it your relationship will be stronger, happier and healthier. Its not going to be easy .. but then .. the good stuff rarely is.



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(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 7:37:46 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My suggestion would be to start a bit slower and negotiate the captivity part of the weekend so that perhaps it's just for the first half. That way you can both see how you react and still have time afterwards to enjoy his softer side before he takes you back to the train. If all goes well, then do the full 3-day scene at a later date.


i like this suggestion...you can work up to things, you don't have to do everything full blown or nothing at all...you can get what has been hot in the past and get what has been so essential to THIS relationship in the same short period...if it turns out to be hot for you and him to do it, do the full three days in the future when you know that you that doing what you have done in other relationships is not negating what you have in your current relationship...if it doesn't work out, well it just doesn't work out...it was hot in the past, it was hot in the past...leave it there...you don't have to make it work with every relationship...

i love certain things, in my current relationship, they just don't work...it would be detrimental to me, him and our relationship to do those things...we don't do them...i don't even bring them up...

i gotta run, may have more to write later, good luck
chelle


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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to lockmeupplease)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 8:48:00 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		alow your fear to become a doorway and a portal....embrace your fear as you have in the same way embraced His pain.

let the words "this is going to happen" sink in to your soul...dont try to fight it..dont fuck around in your head ...accept it....own it...support your self in what will be transformation in a very deep and profound way...

trust your fantasys....they are little doorways to your higherself....you are called to do this...yes it is scary....yes you will be way out of your comfort zone...but then again...that is where life lives.

my .02

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 9:26:37 AM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I understand where you're coming from, Treasure3.  Congratulations on finding such a relationship.  It is precious and I can understand your wanting to protect it at all costs.

I really like the suggestions others have offered about possibly doing this scenario but in a shorter timespan.  Baby steps may be the crucial thing to remember here - do a one-day similar objectification scenario, for example, and see how it works for you.  You will see how when he provides his aftercare, whether it (hopefully) reassures you and you are able to handle it.  Then you can possibly move on to something longer? 


(in reply to Treasure3)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 9:40:10 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		I also think it sounds like you are just not ready for this yet with him.... Starting SLOWER would be VERY wise here.....you should let your dom know this.
EDITED to add: I wholeheartedly agree with this.....
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
it was hot in the past...leave it there...you don't have to make it work with every relationship...

i love certain things, in my current relationship, they just don't work...it would be detrimental to me, him and our relationship to do those things...we don't do them...i don't even bring them up...




< Message edited by breatheasone -- 2/17/2008 9:44:11 AM >

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to Bound2One)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 9:55:29 AM   
subnstudent


Posts: 105
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline 		I would say that if you're having this reaction, maybe ask to do the scene a little differently? If you're sincerely afraid, having this kind of scene might hurt the relationship as a whole. A breach of trust doesn't "just go away," and I imagine it'd be hard to do this kind of scene without that breach of trust. Having aftercare is really essential, and if you have short 'breaks' from the sen from time to time, it might be easier to play the scene like this and not hurt in the long run.

On the other hand, just 'having a scene' is way different from actually feeling a certain way about you. A person can't really 'conquer his fears' until he faces them, and this could be one way to heal previous wounds, ya? Keeping in mind, "It's just a scene" and just enjoying the experience will help. You say that if it comes down to it, he would end the scene; I would say that that's a better definition of his character than the scene itself.

Consider why you guys are doing it in the first place. From what you say, your master may even be doing this for *you.* Since he is loving and caring, and actually wants to make you happy, this is one way he thinks he might do so?

Kudos on having open communication, I hope all goes well for you.

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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 10:01:26 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I never think being too far out of ones comfort zone is a good idea.
BDSM is supposed to be fun/fulfilling needs for both parties.
If I was your Dominant and I knew how you were feeling I would abandon the idea completely.
Your not ready for this. It may never be right for you in this relationship.
You have found a man who truly cares for you. Is giving you what you need.
If you are fulfilling his needs why risk it all for a scene that might destroy what you both have? We all change and grow. The relationship is more important than what you do.
Some people go through life seeking the experience of BDSM rather than building good relationships.

(in reply to Bound2One)
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 10:06:23 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		lateralist1 I really agree with you....If the reaction is this strong ignoring the fear, or making yourself accept, and own it is counterproductive. (IMHO)

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 10:23:06 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I also would wonder if this is the right thing to do NOW.  Saying "not now" is not at all the same as saying "no" and it's much easier to prepare and prevent a big emotional mess than it is to pick up the pieces of one after a mess is made.

I know it often sounds and seems like Ds means doms get what they want when they want it all the time- but the reality is that we're mature responsible adults working together.  When what the dom ULTIMATELY wants (a solid secure relationship) is threatened by a particular kink, it's much more a case of doing what's best for all in the long term.

I don't think anyone needs to feel 100% happy and yummy about everything they do at every step, but you seem seriously upset and worried- so talk it out and seriously consider postponing this particular event.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 10:23:45 AM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		~FR~
 
I agree with lateralist and breatheasone on this. Seeing that it is completely different than anything the two of you have done and it is raising some rather negative emotions in you, I would say call it off for now.  Emotions are there for a reason, they are a guide point for all of us, if you have red flags then there is probably good reason for this, which does not make them unreasonable. As others have said, try maybe an hour, two three, whatever you would be comfortable with, build up the trust and knowledge that he isnt going to abandon you emotionally where others have. Thats not to say that their isnt trust already there, but possibly you are just not ready to test the boundaries of that trust due to your past relationships.

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ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

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RE: dealing with unrealistic fears - 2/17/2008 10:31:44 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3
This is the first partner I have ever had, vanilla or BDSM, that has been loving and tender and caring. 


You're afraid to take that to the bank. If all your other relationships have been very casual, very passive. Maybe you're afraid this one is no different. Maybe you're afraid of losing that deep loving and caring now that you have it. Perhaps the idea of him 'using' you dispassionately even in play is frightening because you never want to think he would be uncaring or unloving.

(in reply to Treasure3)
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