Submissive Envy? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

SubmissiveAK -> Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 3:42:18 PM)

Hello all,

I was curious. Often when I see someone, another submissive, praised for thier qualities or what Dom/me's find attractive in them, I feel pangs of extreme jealousy. This is a part of a bigger problem for me, one that annoys the heck out of me (envy girls, envy submissives, beauty, etc). I was curious if this is a common problem for anyone else, and what tactics you might use to try and "untrain" yourself of the habit?

~submissiveAK~



xolarkinxo -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 4:07:56 PM)

I think you are on the right track; you are acknowledging the issue to yourself and now attempting to find ways to fix it.  Good for you!  You should be proud of yourself for that.  Try to remember the things that you know you are good at; write them down if you have to and look at the list if you feel the envy coming on.  Best of luck to you.
 
Larkin



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 4:36:03 PM)

Sounds like you have some insecurities. We all have them and you need to figure out why you are jealous of others being praised. Being jealous of others  in a  bad way can be harmful if you don't deal with it.



xxblushesxx -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 5:34:09 PM)

Yes...I DO want every one to praise me...

Dang it though. It often happens they're praising someone else.

I'm being honest. I figured if I could be honest here, perhaps the doms could be honest about 'never' competing for a sub.

But yanno, we all have wonderful things about us, and...you know...not so wonderful things. It's just a matter of finding the one who feels lucky to be with you, and you feel the same way.  (((((hugs)))))

~Christina



CharmedAnne -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 5:45:10 PM)

If you find the cure, send it my way!



sunshinemiss -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 5:46:41 PM)

Well, I used to have some of that issue.  It really irritated me too because it kept me from getting to know some really great folks.  Here's what I did that truly helped.

Fake it till you make it.   It's an old AA saying, but it's a good one. 

I would see women who were smarter, prettier, better, made more money, blah blah blah, and made a concious effort to praise them - to them and to others about the thing that irritated me AND something else.  It was hard, but I did it.  It made me face my irritations and it made me look closer at them - and not just see the thing that made me jealous.  Anybody who irritated me was on my list of "compliment catchers." 

Now, it's a real joy in my life to compliment people.  I am rarely jealous because I started to see things more clearly.  What irritated me about them was usually true about me.  *Smiles* 

So I recommend it.  Fake it till you make it.  You might not FEEL what you are saying, but in time you will, and you will experience people in a whole new way.

peace



littlebitxxx -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 6:14:46 PM)

Agree with all the others - fake it til you make it.  Know yourself, like yourself and be comfortable with yourself, it will make life a lot easier.  Listening to Doms spouting off about other subs they've had is a lot like listening about all "the other women" that came before.  Finding out within yourself why it bothers you should give you something to work with.  Is it really envy?  Or is it more a matter of just not caring to hear it?  If your Dom praises you, especially in front of others, take it and run with it.  He is with you (and not them) for a reason.  If it is just others as in public others talking about subs and their qualities, maybe ask yourself if you have the quality they most talk about?  If it something that you admire and would like to do/be yourself, do it.  We all have something to work on in our journey of becoming a better person.



batshalom -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 6:32:28 PM)

This will likely abate (at least some) as you age. The more experience you have, both as a woman and as a sub, build your self-confidence: the longer the track record, the more the "successes", in other words. The one massive truism it took longest to figure out was that I was cool just being myself instead of having to be "better" - insincerity and fakeness are often easy to spot.

As a young woman, I had to get comfortable being just me. Now that I'm an ... err ... now that I'm not quite as young as I used to be (grinning) I am rock solid in who and what I am, which often gets praised as intelligence, self-confidence, and other positive attributes. The coolest thing of all, though, is that although I acknolwedge the compliments they don't really sway me any more. I'm still just me, perfect in my own imperfection. ~smiling~



mbes -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 6:52:30 PM)

"perfect in my own imperfection". Perfect. [:)]



laurell3 -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 7:10:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAK

Hello all,

I was curious. Often when I see someone, another submissive, praised for thier qualities or what Dom/me's find attractive in them, I feel pangs of extreme jealousy. This is a part of a bigger problem for me, one that annoys the heck out of me (envy girls, envy submissives, beauty, etc). I was curious if this is a common problem for anyone else, and what tactics you might use to try and "untrain" yourself of the habit?

~submissiveAK~


It is insecurity.  Everyone has insecurity.  If you find yourself saying "well what about me?" when you hear it, you need to learn to recognize that others getting positive strokes doesn't mean you don't have the qualities they have and that you can actually give yourself those positive strokes as well.  You might want to relearn how to nuture yourself instead of seeking it from others. 



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 7:19:31 PM)

Now I know you are not only young but also trans. Whatever that means. Are you comparing yourself to "real" women? Is this where your insecuities lie? Thinking, I will never be pretty enough, women enough, etc? The bottom line is you are a person and a unique one, so stop comparing. Do things to feel good about yourself. Accomplish things like any ambitious person would do. Education, career aspirations and things that will give you a sense of personal pride and confidence. If someone makes you jealous try to learn from them. They most likely have something tangible you admire. But most importantly work on development of pride of self thrugh achieving those things that you have set out to do.



xxblushesxx -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 8:07:14 PM)

Damn it LL; I am not trans...
(perhaps the op is but...)
Yes I do appreciate what she is asking, and can identify with it as well.
The reason I put myself out there for this particular question is because...
Many people feel this but will never admit it.
They need to know that it's ok.
The master question where they asked if any master ever competed for a sub.
I happen to know that many do.
Even if that sub has contributed nothing to the world or proven his/her self in any notable way.(don't ask, just don't ask)

~Christina



petpete -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 8:23:06 PM)

AK... The part i think your talking about is something that i am feeling too.. The fact that the perception you getting of having to be something that your not before You find that Someone that will make you...... How does that sound as a mind bender?? i hope i haven't confused you more then i have done to myself before i wrote this message......



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 9:00:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAK

Hello all,

I was curious. Often when I see someone, another submissive, praised for thier qualities or what Dom/me's find attractive in them, I feel pangs of extreme jealousy. This is a part of a bigger problem for me, one that annoys the heck out of me (envy girls, envy submissives, beauty, etc). I was curious if this is a common problem for anyone else, and what tactics you might use to try and "untrain" yourself of the habit?

~submissiveAK~
I see envy and jealousy as 2 differing descriptions..envy, to me, means I would like to have what they have..jealousy means ,I begrudge them what they have and want it for myself...so ..yes, sometimes I do envy some things others have, but....I am happy that they have it and would never begrudge them  the joy that they are experiencing in what they have..I simply would like to have it as well....what ever IT is, wether a close relationship,beauty, youth,intelligience,sparkling personality, good job..whatever IT is....but you need to know that instead of feeling the envy, you also need to pursue that which you find lacking in yourself to be and have that of what you wish for...because usually no one is going to hand it to you on a silver plate...Tempting



girlygurl -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 9:39:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAK

Hello all,

I was curious. Often when I see someone, another submissive, praised for thier qualities or what Dom/me's find attractive in them, I feel pangs of extreme jealousy. This is a part of a bigger problem for me, one that annoys the heck out of me (envy girls, envy submissives, beauty, etc). I was curious if this is a common problem for anyone else, and what tactics you might use to try and "untrain" yourself of the habit?

~submissiveAK~


Seeing or hearing another receive praise does not bring about jealousy for me..... I tend to celebrate with someone when they do well.

girly



Dari -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/17/2008 11:01:43 PM)

To the OP - This isn't even a problem specific to BDSM, either.  Jealousy and envy have at the heart of them insecurity.  Take a look at what you're envying, or where your jealousy lies.  Is it that you're jealous because they are something, or because you feel that you aren't?  Very few people are all good, or all bad.  Most of us fit somewhere in between - with both good and bad points.  Comparing yourself to others, well - for most of us, there will always be someone better, or prettier, or smarter,  in one thing or another.  So what?

Key is:  know yourself.  Know what you're good at, where your strengths lie.  Find things to love about yourself.  Be comfortable with your positives, and work on making positive changes to the things that are currently negative.  If you look for the bad in yourself, you will surely find it.  But if you look for the good - you'll find that, too.

Look for the good, find ways to increase your self-esteem.  Be comfortable with who you are, and know that you are a good and strong and beautiful person.  And if you don't feel that you are that now - find what is good, and celebrate it.  Find what you think is negative, and figure out ways to change it - or to accept it, not as a negative, but as the way it is.  For example - I could think my height is a negative.  Regardless of what anyone tells me, maybe I think my height is just too tall for a woman.  This isn't exactly a negative I can change - but I can change how I feel about it. 

So - those things you can't change, accept (it's all about the serenity prayer, right?), those things you don't like but can change - start to work on changing.  Those things you do like?  Learn to love them.

In the end, you'll be much happier.  And when you really are secure in yourself, take a look at all those other people you were jealous of before.  I bet you'll look at them, and be honestly happy that they have what they have - rather than jealous at all.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/18/2008 1:10:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Damn it LL; I am not trans...
(perhaps the op is but...)
Yes I do appreciate what she is asking, and can identify with it as well.
The reason I put myself out there for this particular question is because...
Many people feel this but will never admit it.
They need to know that it's ok.
The master question where they asked if any master ever competed for a sub.
I happen to know that many do.
Even if that sub has contributed nothing to the world or proven his/her self in any notable way.(don't ask, just don't ask)

~Christina



I completely understand what you are saying and agree with you that many feel this way. But I do feel that being trans may bring on special circumstances and feelings. That may not have any baring on the insecure feelings but it could be part of it. So I asked because before you can change the feelings you need to identify the source of insecurities and jealousies.



softness -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/18/2008 1:20:05 PM)

I only get jealous of praise someone else is getting,  if it comes from a person I feel territorial over .. i never act on it .. and am honest about it .. I dont let it become negative or an issue ... life is waaaaay too short .. if i feel insecure ... I would get out.

and yes *shock horror* a submissive can feel predatory .. I feel no guilt about that ... I am very territorial about my partners .. and truth be told (beacuse I never go rabbit roasting over it) .. they usually enjoy toying with my jealous possessive side .. it shows them I care enough to defend my "patch".



Zechriel -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/18/2008 11:08:40 PM)

Oh, you are probably talking to the Queen of insecurities right here! ::laughs:: In life, I cannot even interact with other women, even women younger than me cause I think they are always "better" than me..somes from a childhood of being teased and picked on at school. In this life, I atuomaticaly think that anyone who is extreme or has been in this lifestyle for many years is better than me. And I have voiced that to Master and he says, "I will train you how I want you to be, and nothing matters except what I want and how I want it from you." So you just have to find what pleases your Master/Mistress and roll with it. A trick I use is a journal, I write thoughts, copy messages and most important, I write down all the things he says to me about questions I bring up to him. That way I can remind myself by just reading them and then I feel secure.

Like today..and yesterday. I was supposed to meet him (i have to drive 2 hours) so I get ready and everything (takes me about 2 hours..oh that's funny!) and when he calls to confirm it Sunday, he says "I do not want you driving today, there are ice storms tonight." And I 'm all..no really it's clear and sunny, I can drive. And he says, "No, I will not let anything happen to you, mayve tomorrow depending on the weather." Now I know 1-not to argue with him 2-not to argue with him when he has the Weather Channel on his side and 3-he said maybe tomorrow. So Today comes and same thing, "It is very foggy and will get worse, I do not want you getting hurt."  So yeah, I get upset and think that maybe he has another woman over there-told you I am insecure and jealous! lol-but then I look outside and yeah, it's pretty bad and lo and behold it gets worse as the day goes on. So I drag out that journal start writing how much he cares about my safety and is protecting me, even from myself and my stubborness. And that makes me feel better. So just write and read, you shall do fine ::smiles:: Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel
  -Master's slave angel



Leatherist -> RE: Submissive Envy? (2/18/2008 11:24:57 PM)

Freedom of spirit comes from learning to be at peace.
 
When you can just be, and be happy-you have moved beyond the need for validation-even your own.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875