Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Safe Dating Rules


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe Dating Rules Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 5:04:50 PM   
Griswold


Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Rule number one. Always take your mother along with you on your first date.


(If things move towards sex...tell Mom to leave).

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 6:41:02 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey

- Have your first meeting in a public place. Food at a restaurant is good, a coffee shop, a bar without loud music, a park, etc etc.

- Agree not to play at your first meeting. This takes pressure off for all parties involved.

- Have a safe-call. Tell someone you are meeting a stranger, and arrange to call them at a predetermined time. If you do not call, have them agree to try calling you. This works great if your date is creeping you out, because you can feign an emergency and leave.

- Speaking of which. . .do not carpool. Have your own transportation so you are not dependent on your date(s).

- Do NOT give the person your home address. Cell number is somewhat unavoidable for logistics purposes in most cases, but if you can avoid giving that away too, do so.

- Do NOT tell the person where you work. Catch a crazy and they might just show up at your workplace out of the blue.

That's all that comes to mind right now. Be safe.


Gosh, is e-mail out too, since he can trace your IP address?

You go on DATES with people you distrust so much that you won't even tell them your name, cell number or workplace?

I almost never shit on other people's kinks but I think that is just bizzare. I would not for a minute consider advancing a relationship with someone who behaved like that, or reported having done so in the past without a detailed story of how they attained the degree of maturity to ... for heaven's sake ... make healthy decisions about whom to date..

Out of morbid curiousity I'll ask: since birds of a feather flock together--and since we all presumably have equivalent rights to safety--does he refuse to share the same information about himself as well? 

Here's a rule for you to try on. If you don't trust someone enough to go ona  date with them, don't go on a date with them.





.



(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 7:04:25 PM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline
quote:

I say, meet for coffee. Do it in the middle of the day. If things click you can linger over coffee or move on to dinner. If they don't click, one quick cup and you can be outta there. Meeting for drinks, seems risky. After 2 or 3 drinks it is possible you would do something you might later wish you hadn't
My point of view too.

I also agree with Noah,
quote:

Here's a rule for you to try on. If you don't trust someone enough to go ona date with them, don't go on a date with them.



_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat



(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 9:44:32 PM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
If you don't trust someone enough to go ona  date with them, don't go on a date with them.


I've been going back into past threads on this topic and I find it interesting that you tend to pop up and make this kind of comment.

I agree that there is no silver bullet here. I agree that for every hurdle there is a means over that hurdle. I agree that it may be unreasonable to request information from someone else that one is unwilling to give about oneself - and I also see that there may be a gender bias to that issue as well. I agree that handing out your SS# is going too far. Etc...

But...

Precautions are still worth taking because some are actually useful. Someone that isn't willing to take the time and make the effort to try to be respectful about these kinds of needs probably isn't worth anyone else's time.

One of the HUGE differences between meeting people in real life and meeting them online is everything to do with non-textual information. What does the person look like? What do they smell like? Is there chemistry? Do they carry themselves well? Are they well-spoken? Do you have friends in common? All of those are things that tend to be quick and easy to find out in real life. And there must be many other types of information that are a little harder to enumerate or articulate. In real life it's just easier to sniff out a fraud and a time waster.

Online everything is radically limited despite efforts to make a primarily text based medium into a virtual replacement for real life. Sure, you can share photos - those are probably the best ones and aren't accurate because you are converting 3D into 2D. Sure, you can talk one the phone - but some people freeze up and others can be strangely reticent until they warm up. The one great benefit of online interactions is that you might meet up with someone with the right ratio of similar interests to your own - and that's something you don't get in real life just by meeting people through friends or happenstance.

Given those differences, it's smart to try to meet in real life as soon as it is practical to do so.

To that end, I do think there are some useful strategies to make a first meeting as safe as possible:

1. Try to get as much personal information out of the other person as was possible and right up to the limits of their comfort zone. Full names, phone numbers (esp. a land line that could be reversed), address, license plate numbers, whatever...

If I were a single woman, I'd probably not give out anything but my first name and all preliminary conversations would take place via an unlisted cell phone. Personally, I think a cell phone and AAA is just smart for anyone that drives or dates - but esp. a single woman. I suppose my chauvinism on this might offend some, but then I am convinced that most men can easily overpower most women. Please note how I qualified that statement. =)

2. References of any kind are good. A reference from a stranger at least tells you that the other person has others that will vouch for them. References from an established organization might be helpful also. Even better are references from mutual friends.

3. Meet in a well lit place that is very public. Coffee or juice dates are ideal. Know in advance that you can recieve a safe call on your cell phone from this location.

4. Pre-arrange not to play on the first meeting. Meet for an established period of time, but flexible be if things are going well. If things are going badly you can bail at the pre-agreed time.

5. Have a safe call. Verify as much information as is possible via State ID, vehicle plates, and so on. Share that information with your safe call and tell them where you are. Arrange a second safe call. Your people should know where you are and with whom you are meeting.

6. Make sure you are not followed from the meeting place. If you are followed, go straight to a police station. Know in advance how to get to a place of safety.

FWIW, I didn't start this thread for myself in actuality - it was for a friend. I just wanted to see if there were any new ideas afloat out there.

I still can't understand the resistance I see from male dominants on this point. If you expect a woman to put herself into your hands and trust you even with her own life ultimately, then I would think you could offer up some simple truthful information about yourself in exchange for all of that - if not at the first meeting, eventually but also soon.



< Message edited by SugarMyChurro -- 2/19/2008 9:48:55 PM >

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 10:01:09 PM   
atursvcMaam


Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Griswold

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Rule number one. Always take your mother along with you on your first date.


(If things move towards sex...tell Mom to leave).


Double your chances, ask your date, and your date's mother to show up naked.  That way it should be easier to spot them and see if it is worthwhile to pursue things further. 




< Message edited by atursvcMaam -- 2/19/2008 10:02:18 PM >

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to Griswold)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 10:14:17 PM   
shysub0951


Posts: 132
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		Trusting is very important to me along with honesty. Without trusting, how can you play with them when you don't trust them?

(in reply to SugarMyChurro)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 10:16:01 PM   
StayOfExecution


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SugarMyChurro

I am a little rusty on this subject and am willing to hear all the latest and greatest good advice.

One of my sticking points is that it would seem that everything hinges on someone trusting the other person first.

Thoughts?




I think anyone can turn into a nut at any time during a relationship; the beginning of it, the middle of it, the end of it etc.

I've always been one to believe very strongly in my instincts on this type of thing, and so far, I've never met someone who wasn't safe.  There have been times where I've had someone into my home on a first meeting, or gone to their home etc.   And I've never had a problem feeling like I was in any kind of danger.  I don't think it's luck, I think it's a matter of making good judgement calls.

As far as trust, well, that is something that hopefully grows mutually on both sides.

From my experience, I have found that anyone who is unwilling to share their name, profession etc, at least after you've met once and plan to meet again, is usually someone who is either doing this behind a spouse's back, or plans on being dishonorable and is afraid that you'll fuck with their life after you realized they've duped you. 

Often I will cut people slack for a while, because a lot of people unfortunately do not have good instincts to rely on. I don't mind being the first to give up info,  but after I've met someone and plan on seeing them again, I would expect the same level of trust that I've shown them;  Name, where you live, profession,  phone number etc.  Experience has shown me that people who are unable or unwilling to trust, after a reasonable period of time, are the ones who turn out to be untrustworthy themselves. 

_____________________________

I'm not the gambling kind. And you look like a risk.

(in reply to SugarMyChurro)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/19/2008 11:56:37 PM   
SodomizHer


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline 		My advice is to meet at a coffee shop, cafe or diner.  This way if the chemistry is not there or to be more correct one is a liar,  both can leave without wasting both persons time and money. 

I would never engage in anything remotely nearing S/M with a woman who is a liar.  Far too dangerous.  Even more dangerous for a submissive.  IMHO.

(in reply to SugarMyChurro)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/20/2008 1:31:50 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SugarMyChurro

[

Online everything is radically limited despite efforts to make a primarily text based medium into a virtual replacement for real life. Sure, you can share photos - those are probably the best ones and aren't accurate because you are converting 3D into 2D. Sure, you can talk one the phone - but some people freeze up and others can be strangely reticent until they warm up. The one great benefit of online interactions is that you might meet up with someone with the right ratio of similar interests to your own - and that's something you don't get in real life just by meeting people through friends or happenstance.

Given those differences, it's smart to try to meet in real life as soon as it is practical to do so.

To that end, I do think there are some useful strategies to make a first meeting as safe as possible:

1. Try to get as much personal information out of the other person as was possible and right up to the limits of their comfort zone. Full names, phone numbers (esp. a land line that could be reversed), address, license plate numbers, whatever...




I can't belive all the energy in this post.  For fucksake it's a first date.  And Yes I know all about single girls I raised two of them.  And No i did NOT give them a 3 page essay on first date procedures.  I'm just not that paranoid.  I put my faith in their common sense.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to SugarMyChurro)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/20/2008 1:53:45 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SugarMyChurro

I still can't understand the resistance I see from male dominants on this point. If you expect a woman to put herself into your hands and trust you even with her own life ultimately, then I would think you could offer up some simple truthful information about yourself in exchange for all of that - if not at the first meeting, eventually but also soon.




I once asked my Master, prior to meeting him in person, "How do I know you're not psychotic?"  He turned it around, with, "How do I know YOU'RE not??"

I could have shown up as a psycho killer just as easily as he could have.  Not that this explains other people's resistance, but there is risk in  both directions.  I have known females to have gone off the deep end with threats and twisted accusations when things didn't go their way...Trust must flow in both directions.

While I respect your opinion about precautions, just about everything on your list did not apply to me. I know there are valid reasons people have for such safety measures, but they would have been very foreign steps for us with the way our relationship was developing.  Trust was established before we met...it took months but it was important for us to work that way.

(in reply to SugarMyChurro)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/20/2008 7:29:29 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

And No i did NOT give them a 3 page essay on first date procedures.  I'm just not that paranoid.  I put my faith in their common sense.

BadOne


Hey I raised kids as well, boys not girls but insisted on knowing where they were, who they were with and if plans changed where they were going when they dated. You can put all the faith you want into their common sense, schist happens, bad people happen to good people and smart ones. You give them all the info and ammo you can as they are growing up and have to trust that they listened. But when it comes to our hormones, they can do a good job of drowning out the cautionary voice.

Back when computer dating started in the 60's/early 70's you got a lot of information regarding compatibility, their name, and other information to help you decide if to meet. They recommended meeting in a club or restaurant and each having their own transportation. Video dating came next and you were able to screen not only for compatibility, but also looks. Welp we are back to Computer Dating with places like eHarmony and Match.com, and even places like Alt and Collarme as a way to meet people who share common interests and are perhaps compatible. Problem is, when you are moving from computer to live and in person , there is always a chance that you are not going to meet a person who is very nice, especially when you are looking on a site that is for people who like to hurt and be hurt sensually.

Nothing other than perhaps bringing a naked Mom along on the first meeting date is really out of line. Whatever it takes to meet and be safe in that meeting is up to the two involved, we can only suggest things that should be common sense but ain't always. Hell first time Master and I ever danced, I had my roommate AND my Ex2b in the house.

poenkitten

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Safe Dating Rules - 2/20/2008 7:50:09 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackPhx



Nothing other than perhaps bringing a naked Mom along on the first meeting date is really out of line. Whatever it takes to meet and be safe in that meeting is up to the two involved, we can only suggest things that should be common sense but ain't always. Hell first time Master and I ever danced, I had my roommate AND my Ex2b in the house.

poenkitten


Im guessing the brining mom remark was to show how "out there" some of the suggestions were.  I agree to disagree with you.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to BlackPhx)
Profile   Post #: 32
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe Dating Rules Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.082